How do I get my husband to grow up and stop being childish?

I apologize for assuming and I don't take lightly the decision to leave but consider this.
When you first posted it was all about him; how do I get him to grow up.?

Now that you've admitted he will probably never change, the title of this thread should be "How do I grow up and do the things I need to do to nurture my children and myself?

The first and most obvious thing is that you stop letting your husband manipulate you with guilt.

You said you'd feel terrible if your children grew up without a father. Well guess what?
They're already growing up without a father.

We here on A2K tend to play "good cop/ bad cop" . Some are nurturing and comforting and some are harsh and realistic. But rest assured; we all care very much about you and we will stay here and listen and nudge as long as you want to post.

You've shown an increasing ability to be honest with yourself and with us in your posts. I have no doubt that you are well on your way to accepting your responsibilities to yourself and your children.

Someday you'll look back and say "I did the right thing"

Rosemary - please answer my questions:

Why can't you and the children join him.

Is he on assignment? Geez, he could be on an oil rig, undercover, or participating in a military covert operation and can not communicate with you.

Is he still supporting you financially?

You never let us know WHY he is gone for these long amounts of time. (On the other hand, if he's a salesperson from Ohio, he could have another whole family.)

It's clear you are not happy with this anyway, so start making plans to take care of yourself. (And I wonder why you still "love" a man who hurts you and your children so much)

Too many unknowns here, gang.

I don't think I need to grow up. I think I need to learn to be brave so I can prepare myself for whatever lies ahead whatever that may be. The other things you have said were correct but how do you deal with someone who always turns the tables around to make them look like they didn't do anything wrong.

He is not doing any of those things you mentioned. He couldn't get work where we live so he went elsewhere to get work. I stay here so the children can go to school and yes he is still supporting us. It's not your typical situation but since the recession that is the way it has been. I can't explain the way I feel because I don't understand it myself.

You accept that that is the person's continuing behavior and deal with it. This stuff is not going to change. I know you know that.

I guess you are basically saying that either I stay and deal with this behaviour or leave. I know deep down that I am a good person and would like to make this work. I was brought up to believe that marriage was growing old with your partner. My own parents are married 55 years! I wish someone would clock him over the head with something (figurably speaking) so he would wake up and realize what he is doing. I guess that is wishful thinking.

I understand you think that. I was brought up similarly. I do think you are wishfully thinking - and need to get off the pot, not to offend you, I don't mean it that way.

Your only telling it as you see it. Thanks for your comments.

Of course.

I hope you don't find many of us were correct five years from now. This is not being good for the children.

you and I differ - I was brought up that marriage is forever (I'm 72) but I've gotten over that by observation. You can deal with this for the next decade or act.

I get that you want to make your marriage work, but that takes two to put in the effort. Your husband isn't there to do his bit, and it doesn't sound like he really wants to be. If he can't make a phone call for this amount of time, then I would say he doesn't really care very much. Sorry if that's a bit harsh, but that's how I see it.

You said you don't want your children to grow up without a father but the reality is that they already are. You are doing the job that so many single parents do - bringing the kids up on your own. How old are they, by the way?

I think that by trying to keep this marriage alive you are flogging a dead horse, and I think you know that.

You need to start making a life for yourself and the kids, instead of living in limbo.

Just my opinion.

What you are saying is absolutely right but I just don't understand how or even why he doesn't care. It is just so hard to take it all in. He has never let it go on as long as this before.

To answer your question, the children are 11 and 13. They are starting to ask alot of questions and don't understand why he hasn't called or why he doesn't pick up when we try to call him. I think maybe he is trying to punish me for some reason or another.

That is exactly what I am doing at the moment, living in limbo.

Rosemary, since he still supports you, get a job, save your new money and use what he sends to pay bills and all the other things a family needs. To the question "why does he do it?", he will not ever be able to give you more than some cockamamie excuse and blame you somehow. This type of response boggles our minds, so while to try to figure out how you contributed to his bad reactions, he is off the hook and hopes to never actually explain to an impartial party who will call bullshit on his moves. Some people know their spouse will always love them and resent the hell out of them because they feel inferior and then make you pay for their insecurities. If you have a clinic or access to trained counselors, see if you can root out the real reasons why you feel obliged to wait him out. Sometimes a trained counselor can help to place all the parts into focus for you. Since he is never home, it's pointless to suggest couples therapy.

Now, will all due respect to Church counselors, they do a great job if both of you want to improve the marriage. But since the goal is normally to make sure wife doesn't lease husband, I think I'd rather see someone who is interested in helping me to make good choices and not so much in keeping my spiritual score card even. It's never easy, or guilt free, but the longer you put it off, the longer you delay yourself some peace of mind.

And don't forget the power play he uses to ramp up the uncertainty. Eventually, if you don't make another life, the silent treatment will go on sometimes even when he is home and what a rush he gets when he returns to work without speaking a word to you, like you aren't there. He enjoys watching you be uncomfortable, trying to figure out how to solve the problem, knowing full well he could end it at anytime, most likely when he concocts enough truth mixed with fiction justifying him behaving like a total asshat. (I borrowed that from hingehead I think) and every time you look just a tad too relaxed and not worried, he pulls his crap out of the bag just to see the dread in your eyes. I don't know why men like your husband do this, I also don't understand why young thugs will violently beat an old man when all they had to do was take the money. But again I think possibly it's because they enjoy the punishing behaviour.

Thanks for your reply. Regarding your last paragraph, I never looked at it like that and I can totally relate to it. I can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt someone they love and make them feel miserable. It's mind blowing.

When we had problems before a few years back, I did suggest counseling and he flat out said he wouldn't go because he didn't have any problems. He said I had the problems and that if I wanted to go, then to go myself. I would love to go to counseling, if only he would agree to it. He probably couldn't fathom the idea of someone telling him what he is doing wrong.

All his friends think that he is this great guy, if only they knew what he was really like, they wouldn't believe it.

My children are asking me if their dad is coming home for Christmas and I can't even give them a straight answer. Its terrible. But I think to myself, if he was to come home for Christmas, what is it gonna be like. Probably a miserable Christmas especially after all this has happened.

I didn't mean it in an insulting way. I meant it just the way you put it.



You can't, and the damage being done to your self esteem is incalculable.

I urge you to make and keep an appointment with a marriage counselor, even if he won't go.This will put your husband on notice that you are serious about making changes and it will give you an impartial view of the dynamics of your marriage so you can make an informed decision.

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately I think reality is starting to set in.

you're welcome rosemary...and good luck

Rosemary. I had a husband, just like Glitterbag, that was just like this as well. All of his friends and my family (so I thought) , thought he was awesome, such a charmer, nice guy, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. But, at home, would always put me down, once he grabbed my arm whilst I went to cook, wouldn't let it go, I hit him with the frypan Well, not hard you know. So, he rang some 1300 number to record it? Sheez... A record kept of alleged abuse on my side, not the reality of what occurred. I walked on egg shells, and then I walked.

My family were like "phew, we knew the last few years you weren't happy and we could see change in him".. You will be very surprised, very, who will actually be there for you in the understanding and help you.

I also believed marriage was for ever, who wouldn't want that right? But, not if some jerk thinks that he owns you, wishes to control you, or emotional abuse you, treat you the way he's treating you, he's 50 for goodness sake..

It's one thing to treat you like this, another, to talk to his kids but not advise if he's going to be there at Christmas or not, they are his kids, you worry that they will turn out like him? Get them into a stable happy home somewhere where there is just laughter, school, and love. Whilst they continue to wonder and you continue to mope, they continue to feel like they are not in a happy environment...

Another thing, this volunteer work. I am betting that he is resenting being married, sorry, I just feel that. And, he is paying. Controlling men, abusive men, think women are ..... and they do not like to earn a living and give their money to their wife.. So he's away, working, paying for a family, angry over this. You go and get a volunteer job, not a paying job to help.

If this is the only argument problem, you've had which I doubt it, the above I think is the explanation of why he was angry, it's about money. If he's always been this way with you, then it's still about money, the fact he has to support a family, the selfishness of that but it's more, it's a deep routed hatred of support, love, that's has stemmed from his childhood. NOT your fault and not something you need to entertain. You've been doing it for too long. You won't know yourself once you see who you really are, remember that girl? Well she deserves to shine.

Marriage should be for ever. But for ever, should be happy, if not, you know what to do.

Thanks for your reply. It is always good to hear of similar situations. Don't understand why men like this even get married. They should stay single.

Regarding the volunteer work, I think he just wants me to stay at home and take care of the house. His own mother did that. His mother never had a license to drive, never took care of the bills or had a life of her own. Basically was home all the time (apart from doing the shopping) she was there to cook and clean. That is not a life and it sure isn't one I want.

About the money, I don't know whether it is that or not, it could be. It's hard when you can't get your other half to communicate so we can sort out whatever issues there are.

His family don 't even know that this is happening. I don't think he would want them to know either because he is a very private person which is why I don't understand why he hasn't called before this. Sooner or later the truth will have to be told.

Rosemary, I'm a very private person, but your husband is being secretive, he knows his behaviour would not be applauded.

If you don't mind I would like to finish this later on Mon. My right shoulder is killing me tonight and I have to get that sorted out. Propped up with pillows and heating pad. Be back later.

Aweee Rosemary, wait for Glitter, please .. I have an injury myself, cope but I know what it's like to have to wait sometimes before typing..

Some men want a "Mother" figure, they know no better and can't communicate or even comprehend a relationship and its entirety as to what that means, the effort, the mental support, the love... Love, did his mother love him or just do the chores, cook, clean, take care of the house, doesn't sound to me as if he understands or has experienced real love.

This still in the stance for control, emotional abuse. If his Mother did everything for him, he would give two hoots what she thinks/thought.. She was a "slave" persay.

Did you not feel this when you met him? That, non love, do this and that, that is a wife what she is for?

I wonder if his family could honestly relate to you, his Mother what she felt from him have you considered talking to her? She is your Mother-In-Law from the sounds of your life, what do you have to loose? The old fashioned way is not of today and even people in those instances wish for the way people act today, maybe it's time to talk to her.

Then you can establish if it's about money, anger or you are nothing, just a house wife.

Are you? No you are not.... You are a person, real, with a heart, with a soul and with substance and a zest for life.. You belong to yourself and in that, others join at your hip and you theirs, as one.