Good for you, SueZCue! Living well truly IS the best revenge. (((((HUGS)))))
There is a pattern forming here
Justa_babbling_brooke
Thankyou for your response.
My sister has gone back to her husband because she is worried what he might do to the kids. They have three,an 18 year old boy who has left home, a 15 year old girl and a 12 year old boy. He has said that if she leaves him she must take the daughter but he wants custody of the 12 year old. The 12 year old is always in trouble with the police and my sister was told " she has to take responsibility for that". that is why she took the latest beating. The hitting stopped when she agreed it was all her fault. I offered my sister a room at mine, but i live in the sticks and she said she would feel isolated as she doesn't drive (She was not allowed to learn; when her husband comes home from work he expects his dinner on the table, not to find she is out visiting friends). you suggest that I visit her regularly; I don't know if i can socialise with her husband.
Would it be a problem if I suggested to her that I take her out but wait in my car for her to come out of her house.
Hello, HDIH -
If she's like most of us she's going to leave him and take him back over and over again until she's finally had enough. This will happen in her own time. Sooner or later she will come to the realization on her own that this is not what she wants for herself or her children. She must find the strength within herself to end this once and for all, and it sounds like some day she will.
The best way you can help her and the kids is to continue to do just what you've been doing. Being there for them. They're so lucky to have you. You sound like a great sister.
*hugs*
(((((howdoihelp))))
Abusers never cease to amaze me. It's almost like they are all born out of the same slimey, rotten, egg
Howdoihelp? Have you ever noticed how a person's eyes can tell you more than words? The mirror to their soul, and so much more. I can understand your not wanting to be around your sisters abuser. Can't say as I blame you. And being face to face with him will probably only make you want to "clean his clock" :wink:
BUT....... I have a suggestion.
If you can somehow come to grips with your anger.....I think the best thing you can do is not wait in the car for your sister to come out. But, instead go inside. Stand tall. Show this monster with your body language that he may have control of her and she might be afraid of him...but you are so much more a man than he will ever be. And you have no fear of him, nor will you ever. He is not as powerful as he would wish to be. Look the rotten bugger in the eyes. And let your eyes instill just that tiny bit of fear in him :wink: You can let him know without a confrontation, that you are not happy with him....and if he continues to abuse your sister, he will have you to answer to.
I mean, lets face it.....a real man would never hit a lady. And a real man would certainly never even think of hurting someone he is supposed to love. So, therefore.....he is not a man. He is but a coward. A coward that can only "feel" like a man when he exerts his almighty "control" over someone weaker than him.
Of course.....I still stick to what I said before. Do not physically encounter this man as long as she is still living under his control. But, emotionally, well thats a different ballgame :wink:
So much more I wanna say to you but I don't wanna seem long winded.
But I will stay in touch with you.
BIG HUG ((((howdoihelp))))
~Brooke
Ooh,.. I like that one much, much better than your last Brooke. Convey the need for the fear of God through steel eyes,.. almost as good, just get that fear in there! (Okay, I'll shut up like I promised)
OCCOM BILL wrote:Ooh,.. I like that one much, much better than your last Brooke. Convey the need for the fear of God through steel eyes,.. almost as good, just get that fear in there! (Okay, I'll shut up like I promised)
Awwwwww. Don't your dare shush. This world needs more sweethearts just like you, Bill......that care and are always willing to help others.
Hugssss ((((BILL))))
i feel your pain
I don't know why things like this happen to people but maybe you can use the troubles and problems in your life to become a better perosn. here's my story... After my father died my mother was a widow for a while raising our family but she got married a couple years ago to my step father. He never has ever been a dad or had any children of his own. He would beat me and my brother for small stubid things like forgetting to take the trash out or doing anything he didn't like, most of the time we could run away but sometimes he would tell us if we didn't stop.... there would be hell to pay. when I was about 15 i had the strength and will-power not to let him slap us around and hit us untill our backs and legs were black and blue. i've realized that you need to forget and move on because if you don't you will be stuck in the past. I still hold alot of bitterness and recentment for my step-father and I just hope I can be the best dad there is! I'll be thinking of you and your hardships and the only thing i can say is continue to be strong and you'll be alright.
Kind of good news ( I think)
My sister has left her husband, well sort of.
In reallity he told her to leave. but does it really matter.She is staying with our little sister (more local to the kids). She has taken the 15 year old daughter with her but the 12 year old boy has stuck by his dad.
I know if her husband changed his mind she would go back so I am gonna be showing her what life should be like for as long as i can.
Not sure why he threw her out though; perhaps he has got a guilty concience after all.
Would someone please duct tape my mouth!! lol! Believe it or not, I am the one holding the cards today. I never dreamed this would be fact, but it is.
My husband is unemployed. I have a job that can pay for this house, with or without his help. He wants this house sold. He is a bit sick of living with Mommy Dearest!
The only sad fact of this story is the fact that while I was working, my 17 year old son had drug parties here and allowed drug sale. That one got me charges of child neglect because my daughter lives in a house in disrepair and drugs.
I owe a fortune! The house was under repair when this drug raid occurred, but it doesn't look too good when your upstairs bathroom is missing a toilet. I was having it replaced.
My son ditched all responsibility, as usual. He wants to live with his father. I guess so. I know his pattern and they don't.
My son totaled his father's pickup truck within weeks of a drug raid. Accidents happen, especially with new drivers. What accident is it that he had five teens in the bed of that truck during a broad side accident?
Ever since, my son has made evil claims against me and why he does not with to live with me. I know why! I blow a lid at his behavior and it is new to my husband, who nerve behaved as a father to either of these kids. He lives with his mother and is unemployed.
I feel like dying over my son's words. You can't imagine the pain. I know what he is doing. It is nothing different than he always did, manipulate and lie his way out of anything. I cannot believe he would go to the extent of betraying me, his only parent, his entire life. It did.
I came home today, with my daughter wondering why our dog was out of the cage. My son is shopping at my house. Sorry! He made the decision to have drug parties and drug sale, out of my house while I was working. He made the decision to leave the second I got in big trouble over child neglect because my daughter lives in a drug house.
He doesn't even want to deal with me over why he had five people in the bed of that truck, when he could recite my seatbelt lectures. I looked at that truck today and am shocked no one is dead!
I am so thrilled that I cancelled his insurance, on my policy, because he left me to live with his father, not wanting to deal with his drug bus problem. I was about to be canceled, so I canceled him off my policy instead. His father had him insured for an entire four hours, on his policy, before this wreck occurred.
Finally, dad gets to pay for this kid's horrible behavior. I haven't even been able to hold a job because of him!
I am devastated and feel our relationship is forever ruined. I have had very harsh words to say to him and refuse him access to go shopping in my house, which I pay for. I told my son to never enter my home unless I am present. If he and his father want something, I suggest they go to WalMart and threw him out.
I don't know what else to do! I know the second I allow my son in, I allow my husband to rob me blind. My son has treated me horribly, not unlike his father. He is an entire five months away from 18. His father is scared of child support. I lived without it for five years. I am sure that I can manage now.
What should I do about my son? I am primarily devastated by his words and actions. It comes out as rage the second I see him, like today. I told him to get out and stay out. You go shopping somewhere else. You get what you need, not what you want. You have no permission to enter this house without my knowledge and get out now. It was a bad argument. I feel like dying.
What should I do about my son?
Tell him to come back when he figures out he was wrong and why, and not before. Don't sweat it so much. I left home when I was 17 over an authority dispute with my mom and few years later (when I grew up) we became the best of friends. Let the little **** live with his father for the time being... and for the umpteenth time; get rid of that friggin house. Locate the smallest, cheapest 2 bedroom place you can find for you and your daughter. Use the extra dough to provide yourself with some extra sanity. Normal people would be stark raving mad already; so give yourself a pat on the back and get out before its too late.
Bill's right, Wildflower. 'Nuff said.
Regarding your son, re-read my posting above. I've been through it too.
Take care.
This takes a lot longer than you would think! My daughter has a neighborhood in mind she has school friends. We live an expensive old people and career people neighborhood where there are few kids. My daughter is alone and stays home most all the time using IM to talk to school friends. I told her this is the first place I will look for an apartment, but want my dog.
I know a few people that rent apartments, but the school isn't good and neither is the neighborhood. I want cheap rent, which they can offer me. Given they know me, they would let me have my dog and cat, but will any other landlord? I have a Boxer.
This makes an apartment a bit difficult. My daughter is busy checking with her friends for someplace that will allow dogs. She thinks she knows of one because neighbors of her friend actually has chickens in an apartment. This is against city ordinance to have farm animals even.
I told her to find out where and how to contact the owner of the property. I will try to move my daughter in a neighborhood where she has socialization, keeps her in the same school, and lets me have my dog and cat, that I refuse to get rid of. Dogs are a landlord's nightmare! lol! My dog can't act any worse than my son.
I am all for cheap apartments! I like having the money in my pocket and being able to afford everything you need or want without worry. I'm worried about roaches as room mates, with cheap apartments! lol! Hey, it happens and some people don't even care, but this drives me insane. I have to save for my retirement, so cheap apartment sounds fantastic to me. I loved my cheap apartment. It was financial freedom at it's finest!!
My husband wants the house sold, but has had no luck getting a job. I guess not, when most places today check your criminal background to wash dishes. I do believe he is trying, finally. He is very sick of living with his mother and I don't blame him. He is agreeable to selling the house, which I thought he may fight me on.
This house is fairly large and loaded with funiture and belongings I can't bring to an apartment. This divorce situation is going to be an ugly mess. My husband and I have decided to talk to each other, so his mother and I will stop going for each other's throat and to settle things ourselves, without misunderstanding of third party communication. My husband has this lovely sense of entitlement, like my son. He thinks that he deserves things that average people don't get. He is going to be difficult to deal with.
As much as it saddens me, I can't let my son live with me. I am shocked at the improvement in my daughter since he brother has been gone. I have done nothing different, as far as parenting at all.
She is even making her bed and not throwing clothes on the floor. She still has a big smart teenage girl mouth, but she is taking it upon herself to be helpful, instead of her usual sense of entitlement.
I may not be able to save my 17 year old son from himself, but I tried as hard as I could. No matter what she did good, he was always consuming attention with something he did bad. This isn't fair to her and never was, but he really was that big of a problem.
I have been telling my daughter every single thing I notice she does good and how much I appreciate her effort. She doesn't really say much, but will ask me if I will do something to keep the house cleaned up, after she does something. I do it.
It has been a battle between us; things like she wants a ride to the mall. I say that I want the dishes done and she didn't bother, so I am not bothering to do anything for her. I have been doing little things she request. I think that she finally understands it is a two way street. Her brother never did or just didn't care, which I believe influence her behavior.
As sickened as I am about my son's horrible behavior, I am equally thrilled to see my daughter being co-operative and taking things upon herself.
I do have a question for members about teen kids. My son left a fish to starve, with no food, in his aquarium. My daughter and I didn't know what to do about this. I got fish food and we started going down the basement to feed it. How it lived, I have no idea. I gave her the aquarium and bought her a few more fish. We moved it upstairs. I love animals and can't stand the though of my son leaving a life to starve, but he did.
My husband and I paid for a nice stereo system for Christmas a few years ago, for our son. I say he deserves nothing but what he needs, not what he wants. I think that given the fact that he has caused a drug bust, legal bills, drug use, totaling his father's truck with five teens in the back bed, and those are very recent events, I do not feel he deserves to have the stereo or anything but his clothes.
I know he plans on moving out. I know that he manipulated and provoked me to throw him to his father for not helping with this house and got out of work, and I owe a ton of money for help he could have easily given me, leaving me to pay for plumbing and electrical repair only.
Am I right taking away his stereo and giving it to my daughter? As we all know, teens hit you up big and all want stereos. This is a nice surround system. It's better than my stereo! I don't feel my son has done anything worthwhile to deserve this.
Is it right for me to give things to my daughter and be selective with what I return to my son? He is a high school drop out and drug user. I already heard, from two different people and my own son's words that he is going to move out. He is looking for an excuse to move out before 18, but that would be negligent on the part of parents to allow him to do this.
Given my son's behavior, drug use, high school drop out working full time, which I insisted on, if not going to school, I think that anything nice he has will get stolen anyway. I have had plenty stolen from me because of his choice in lifestyle and druggie friends.
Is it just for me to only necessary things or things that I do not wish to store, with no real money value? Is it right for me to give his stereo to my daughter, who has done nothing wrong?
I'm a little at odds with this issue. I feel that it is parental right, with a minor to give and take, based on behavior. What do you think?
Taking the stereo sounds pretty petty actually. I'd box up all his **** and tell him to come and get it. Just an opinion... you asked. It sounds like you are getting closer to getting serious about getting out. Good for you. ((((((Wildflower))))))
You said that you and your husband gave him the stereo. Then it is his. No fair taking it back.
I'm with Bill, but I'd go one better...box up all his things and leave the boxes by the front door of his father's house. Then go home...and be sure you change your locks.
(Keep the fish. He abandoned it.)
Howdoihelp, the answer to your question is you can only give fact. Many women go back to abusive relationships. I did, for financial reasons, primarily. Keep in mind, I only got bullied, never beaten, until recently.
It is hard to understand why anyone male or female would go back to abuse. Both sexes are very capable of dishing it out in differing ways. I still can't figure out why my dad never tossed my mother to the curb! She is horrible to him. Men think so much differently than women.
As I see it, women go on a premise of love. Men go on the idea of being a man, meaning admitting abuse is weakness. Both sexes do love deeply. We are no different in that area at all. We are different in thought.
My only suggestion to you is to draw a line for your sister. My parents helped me financially, but warned me that they would resent every dime they helped me with, if I ever took my husband back. This is the only time I was ever beaten, but not the only time I was physically bullied and threatened.
Not that my parents view has anything to do with anything. I made up my own mind. I will never let my husband raise a hand to me and this is the exact reason I got beaten. His scare tactics no longer worked, so I got blasted.
I feel your sister is taking the easy way out, like I did for years. The hard way and better way is respecting yourself and telling anyone that they will not ever harm you in any way and back it. I did. I am living a nightmare because of this decision also. Your sister is not ready to face this. Neither was I, but I will not allow anyone to hurt me like this ever again.
I drew the line. Your sister has to draw her own. The easy way is to put up with it because it doesn't happen every day and there are big financial benefits to go with it. The hard way is my way because I want a better life, no matter how horrible I feel today. I cannot respect myself allowing my husband to physically harm me.
Abusers get quite talented at abuse. For the abused, it is almost like they need to be kidnapped and sent to a psych unit to undo brainwashing, like those people in cults. You feel trapped. You feel no respect for yourself, since none is ever given to you. You feel dependency, usually financial.
Your sister needs psychological help immediately. She obviously does not have much self worth or would never keep going back to an abusive relationship. Why does she do it? Only she can answer that.
Believe it or not, there are people that love the drama of this type of relationship. They can play victim and have everyone feel sorry for them. I don't buy it at all, but many people that have never experienced abuse do.
What is she stating when she came to you? Is she giving victim stories? Is she financially dependent? Obviously you are willing to give her a home for her and children she may have, so what is it? Is it a mental illness of lack of self worth? Is it beyond comprehension of drama, which she thrives on and feeds on sympathy?
These are serious questions that need an answer. Women with a sense of self worth only go back to abusive relationships because they feel they have no other choice. There are also mentally ill women who need psychological help or even put into a psych ward at the hospital for help. There are women who do thrive on this, hard as it is to believe, but very true.
What happened with your conversation with your sister? What is she afraid of? She must be afraid of something beyond what her husband can dish out our would never live like this.
Please explain and maybe we can help you with this problem.
