How do you survive divorce with Domestic Voilence?

Hi Justoneofthegals,
"My hubby's parents had the nerve to say that I am mad, so my husband was provoked to beat me to keep me in place."
That's pretty common. They'd rather blame you than take any of the blame themselves. In my opinion, bad parenting has a LOT to do with domestic violence- sometimes from both sides, but almost always from the man's side.
The heck with them!

Suzy,
couldn't agree with u more!!! anyways, i have not spoken to my in-laws in a long time, and it helps being in a different country. as it is, my hubby doesn't force me to do something i wouldn't wish to.

Can I identify with this one! Not only does an abusive spouse beat you down psychologically. Women do this to men also. Abuse is abuse, even if no one ever lays a hand on you, just desires the upper hand and control, which I have seen men go through as well as women.

Isolation is the first of the abusers attempts. Again, I have seen men try to make their marriage work, with children, and hope for a family, just as I did, go through the exact same type of abuse. It does make you feel alone, which is exactly what every abusive spouse wants. This puts you under their control. strong adults do and will cave in to their efforts not believing the truth of the matter. I bucked my husband too. I got physical and emotional abuse for it.

They beat you down so low that you no longer have confidence in yourself. I have to question why abusers often do choose strong partners. I now know the answer to that. They want enablement for their own problems they do not wish to solve. My husband is an addict. He doesn't wish to do a thing about it. Other people may not be addicts, but neurotics or even psychotics that need a strong individual to take responsibility where they fail.

Correct, the last thing I would call leaving an abusive relationship is easy. Not only did I have an emotional pounding, but a physical one too. I never really was so much afraid of the emotional baggage, but the financial problems of leaving. I am dragging two kids with me.

This is one question I have to ask. From all, way too late, advice given to me, I found it to be true, once an abuser, always one. Why is your relationship the exception to the rule. I think that I know the answer. Your relationship is only because you have no children and he cannot abuse the situation. I left my husband twice. The first time I only had my son and was worth minimum wage. The second time, I had a college degree and put up with abuse to get it. I could finally afford to leave with kids and did. I trusted him when I never should have. He wasn't always the person he is today, which is confusing making you want to belive in him. I'm living through hell confronting what I couldn't believe, but am forced to face what he is.

Take it from someone who had made and paid for every mistake you can imagine. You can't have kids with your husband or will be dependent as I was and am. I only wish that I could take back time and my life would be so different. Don't trust the calm before the storm, as I did. The second you decide to have a child, you find yourself in a dependant position, as I am and was. Get rid of this guy before he destroys your life as mine has been. You do deserve better. Every abusive person of past has proven themselves. Don't sell yourself short. Get out and make a life for yourself with someone who would never treat you ill before you find yourself in my shoes, with kids, unpaid bills and legal disputes.

Hi Wildflower,

I do understand when you say "once an abuser, always an abuser". That is the response I got from many people. But honestly, its been a year now since we got back together, and there has been no instance of abuse at all!! My husband did have a traumatic phase where he was guilty about his act, and sought individual counseling for the same.

Most of the abusers abuse because they feel horrible about themselves, and put the spouse down by abusing. My marriage started going downhill from his side because he could not accept the fact that I considered him a bad husband. I have modified that aspect of my behavior, which has improved our relationship. Moreover, we do yoga together which makes us feel good about ourselves emotionally and physically.

As for when I plan to have a kid, I have heard of the exact same thing that you mentioned. I am currently undergoing education, and in another 6 months I will graduate. I do intend to be independent before I have a kid. I will also probably have my mom come over to help me through that phase.

It is hard to explain this, but both of us were highly emotional individuals, and focused too much on small issues and fought over them. Over time I have made myself immune to all his negative comments, and proven that I can take care of myself. He knows that I am less dependent on him, and that I can leave him if I am not happy. I don't know how or why, but I guess thats the way guys work! Once they feel a little insecure, they will be nicer to you.

At this stage I definitely find it harder to leave him. We have had better and more fun trips, more fun times during weekends, he brings home dinner when I have my exams... I can no longer attribute those characteristics to him. But I will definitely keep your point in mind when I plan to have a kid (which is at least 3 years from now).

I have read about cases where couples try to work things out, and the phase is immensely troublesome, but eventually they can work things out. I honestly don't see reason for walking out on him right now. In fact I feel happier than I used to be.

oops!! forgot to mention... i am the one who pays the bills, and am in charge of ingoings and outgoings of our bank account...

I'm sorry if this sounds like rain on your parade... But that isn't how real men work. "Nice" is reciprocal in a healthy relationship because both parties are happy and have a sincere desire to increase their mate's happiness.

There are two kinds of men in this world: Those who are capable of hitting women and those who are not. They never change teams.

Though highly unlikely, IMO, it is possible to go the rest of your life with out his inner demon returning, but, again IMO, that is a foolhardy risk to take. I could fill my car with gas, with a cigar hanging out of my mouth every week for a decade without ever blowing myself up. This longevity in no way decreases the inherent risks in playing with fire.

Good luck to you.

Well Bill,

I guess that is a risk I am willing to take!! Just as I know that I will never feel suicidal no matter what, I believe that maybe my husband will never get violent, and he does deserve a chance for wanting to try his best, and he has!!!

Maybe its because I don't want to go beyond your words for giving into the lurking fear in my mind that it may not work and he may have a relapse... I don't know... what I do know is that I did not give it my best shot the last time, and I will do my best this time and if it still doesn't work out, I will have to think of opting out. I feel that I too made serious mistakes the last time, and if I modify them then definitely I should have positive results. If not, at least I tried.

I do not wish to break off my marriage because I am confused; I will break it off when I am 100% sure deep down that it is the only way. Till then, I would not like to make a drastic decision, especially since there is no reason to do so now.

Thanx, anyway, for the input, and hopefully if/when I have kids you guys are still around, we will know for sure

Definitely figure this out -- be 100% sure -- before you have kids.

Even taking abuse out of the equation, I know someone who just decided to get a divorce -- he has been with his wife for 10 years, married for a few, tried to have kids, didn't work out, and so adopted. A few months after the adoption -- a sweet little 1-year-old from a Chinese orphanage -- all of the doubts he had about his marriage came to the forefront, and he decided he just couldn't continue.

Kids challenge the strongest marriages, be SURE yours is up to the challenge before you go that route.

I've known the "two kinds of men in this world" thing most of my life and have shared it with every woman I thought needed to hear it. In 35 years; I have never once altered a single woman's thought process sufficiently to keep her from harms way… And, I am not expecting a different result today. Perhaps I am too cynical on the subject but feel compelled to encourage women to err on the side of caution. I've read too many horror stories not to. Forgive me if I sound like a downer.

No offense intended, but; these sound like the words of a woman who has not yet come to grips with the FACT that no amount of bad behavior on her part justifies domestic violence. Recurring in your posts is the idea that YOUR CHANGE in behavior will somehow keep the beast at bay. Absent is the realization that the beast doesn't exist in all men. Your feelings that maybe you should harbor some guilt, and should shoulder some of the blame, because maybe you were bad or inadequate or whatever; is very reminiscent of every girl I've unsuccessfully tried to council out of harms way. Why do people feel they need to get bit (again?) by the barking dog before they will believe he bites?

Bad habits can be changed. Propensity cannot. If you have a large, police trained, dog for your protection you can safely say that you are safer than most. Such an animal can provide a good deal of comfort and security. Many of these animals will be as gentle as A lamb and will become part of the family. Most understand instinctually that babies and little people require a gentle touch and consequently will tolerate virtually anything a child might do to them. But if he bites you or your family, even once, you have to put him down. From that day forward there can be no illusion about what he is or isn't capable of. It is foolhardy to consider whether he meant it, what you may have done wrong or really any explanation as to why he bit you. What is important; is that he did. And if he did that means he CAN… Can or Can't. That is the important question… not Will or Won't.

Being utterly incapable of hitting a woman myself, I can tell you without question, that there are better, safer men out there to choose from. Now I've heard tell of the guy who once slapped his wife in a fit of rage and spent the rest of his life regretting it… and I understand that there are degrees to all things… but that is not the man that you, or any of the women on this thread have described. Collectively; you've described the worst mankind has to offer. I'm not suggesting yours is the worst. I'm suggesting you need to raise the minimum bar. NO VIOLENCE is a reasonable pre-req, don't you think?

You can't judge propensity for violence during the best of times. It only shows itself during the worst of times… And life is a big pendulum that swings back and forth. Even as I type, I know my words are in vain. But sooner or later someone will hear the truth about those who CAN and those who CAN'T, before the ugliness returns.

I also feel it warrants saying that once children are introduced to the equation the rules change. So much easier it becomes for a breadwinner to take for granted that "the mother of his children" will always be there. Look at Wildflower's situation and then again at your own. The off-balance feelings of insecurity that you idealistically believe are your ally now; may all but disappear. I wish; instead of pointing out all of the possible things that can go wrong, I could just instill in you the simple truth. The world can be a dangerous place. Don't feed the wild animals.

I hope my words don't upset you one iota more, than the unveiled warning that they are, should. I likely will be around years from now, and believe me when I tell you I have absolutely no desire to say, "I told you so". Angels like Brooke will be around when and if you need them. Again, I do wish you the very best of luck.

I was going to post what Occam Bill did, that I see you saying that your behavior contributed to these actions, and you plan to behave better.
This is a concern to me too.
Even if you actually hit him, he should not hit you.

Love confuses the issue, as you must have love for each other and he is working to behave better. Still, I worry about your sense of self that you can accomodate that he has hit you, ever.

I know, this is really not my business to be posting about my opinions regarding your life choices. In any case, I wish you all good luck and happiness.

I know you guys mean well, but hey stop scaring me! I had a tough time convincing my parents to let me come back to the US with him, and believe me, if my parents are okay, it means things definitely will be better!

Right now I feel that I am living a wonderful life, and I wouldn't want to take any decision just because of the "possibility" of a future occurrence. Well, after I returned to the US, there was one incident where he called me names, which made me angry. Previously, in such a situation, I used to not do anything and then carry the resentment inside me. Well, this time, I slapped him hard and told him never to speak to me again like that. He could have reciprocated, but he didn't. After that, we have never had name calling or violence, touch wood!

Initially, when we had arguments, we used to get very angry and say hurtful things. We fought and fought uncontrollably, and did not sleep the entire night. It was horrible!!

Now when we feel an argument coming up, we take time out. Moreover, I am no longer as emotional, so I continue doing my work or watching TV/movies, and he comes to me and we talk things out and make up. I think that is a good sign. I expect him to respect me which he does now, and he expects me to trust him which I do. Since then, things have been better.

Justoneofthegals - I'm curious, what would be a deal breaker for you?

I'm no expert at life but OCCOM BILL and OSSOBUCO are right. There are some things in life that are universally true. No amount of justification changes the simple universal truth of an issue.

Let me clarify. I WAS A CHILD in a family with violence. (And if you think heated arguments are okay, I respectfully disagree.)
One my earliest memories is as a 2 or 3 year old cutting up my fingers because my mother and step father were having an argument. They were screaming at each other at the top of their lungs when my mother threw my brothers baby bottle full of milk against the wall. In those days they were made of glass. I remember being so afraid and although I was crying, I was trying to be as quiet as possible because I didn't want to upset my Mom and Dad. I remember looking up at them - (God, this is soo vivid) - and decided I needed to fix things. That was all I could really comprehend, my Mom and Dad were broke(n) and I needed to fix them. So I remember walking over to the puddle of milk all over the floor and trying to scoop it up with my hands. There were sharp little pieces of glass under what looked to me like a puddle of milk and I didn't understand that. I just used my hands and scooped. I remember the pain I felt as little pieces of glass stuck in my fingers like a bunch of tiny splinters. I remember looking at my hands trying to figure out why they hurt so much.
Then my mom walked over to me, all the while screaming and I mean really screaming at my Dad. She was still so absorbed in their fight that she WAS STILL LOOKING AT HIM while trying to clean my hands up with a burp cloth. Although it hurt and I was scared, I didn't make a sound.

And oh, I've got more stories like that, MUCH MORE.

To this day and I mean literally, I cannot, cannot, cannot bear to hear or endure slamming, hitting, screaming, stomping, things being thrown or name calling. Its the weirdest thing. I duck my head into my shoulders like a turtle. Its a quick twitch. My face does this weird grimace expression, like when you are trying to avoid something hitting you. I can't help it. It just happens.

When my hubby and I first started to become serious about our relationship I told him all about my experience. I know he didn't want to believe me (some of my experiences are so indescribably awful) and my parents are consummate actors in front of others. But I told him UP FRONT under NO CIRCUMSTANCES would I tolerate ANY slamming, screaming, hitting, stomping, throwing things or name calling. I had to "justoneofthegals". It was like saying I need air to breathe. No air, No jacquie. And you know what? He never did. In 15 years, he has never slammed, hit, stomped, threw things or verbally dehumanized me. That, at least for me, is a deal breaker.

I watched and listened while my parents made excuses about their behavior my whole life. I can honestly say there was no excuse for their behavior. Not money, not household chores (or lack thereof), coming home late, you name it - NONE.

If you think slapping your bf was okay because he said something that made you angry you are walking a very, very thin line.

I sincerely wish you only happiness, sincerely I do. But violence of any kind through the eyes of a child is a violent act. Children have a way of seeing things the way they are.

Best of Luck, J,

Hey Gal,

No one is trying to scare you. They are trying to give you some really lousy truths. I have to agree, especially given my unexpected situation, with others trying to caution you is all.

This is what happened to me, years ago. My husband and I split up, with one child, because of abuse. My son was so young, he doesn't even remember how awful it got. My best friend, eight years younger than me, that wanted out of her parents roof, split the bills. I worked full time for a whole minimum wage or not much above it. It kept my abusive husband out and the bills were paid.

We both had every reason to reconcile our differences. He was living with his mother. My mother was raising our son because I had to work so much, I couldn't be there. I never told him how hard this was for me. I loved him or I would never have had a child and married him. I always wanted things to work between us.

We started seeing each other, without sex, just talking. He got the picture that I wasn't on welfare, I was working, I had our son, and I was making the bills, with very little help from him at all. He behaved himself for a while. He behaved himself long enough for us to have a second child.

It started all over again. Now, I was in a submissive and dependent position again. My husband desired control and so did I. I never wished to control him, just my own life. I loved him. I didn't want other men. I wanted to make simple choices for my own life, which he found threatening, at times.

I trusted this period of time where he put no control over me. It was only because I made him to believe I could live with or without him. throw two kids into the mix and things went back to the usual. At that time, it only took physical force and his rage to put fear in me and control me. He was successful. Anyone will take care of one kid while you work. No one wants to deal with two of them. I was in the same old trap again.

Emotions are such a mind game. I wanted a family. He knew me all too well and hit on all of my fears to control me. Many of us don't even understand that sort of desire for control of another. My husband always did feel threatened by me and responsibility. He had enough of that as a kid. His mother made him pay bills since he was able to make money mowing lawn. There are always dynamics you wont understand, until too late. Love really is that blind.

I suggested to my husband that I either work for minimum wage, which was all I was worth, or go to college. I wanted to be a RN. People have misconceptions about that job and so did I, at the time. Given this choice and his complete financial responsibility towards his family, this income was a relief. He chose for me to go to school and was very encouraging.

What you don't understand is an individuals duality, which they will never tell you of. I needed an out from the marriage and his control. The only way I saw was through education. He wanted the money I could make. He had no idea that I really wanted the option to stay or go and the ability to support my children. He really did have that much control over me.

My life completely sucked. I could go to school and take care of kids for an entire four years for an associate degree in nursing. I went to a tough school, as a high school drop out with a GED. Self confidence was never my strong point, but determination was and got me through it. I couldn't do full time with two kids at my feet. My mom would only watch them for class and had a stopwatch if I was more than five minutes late.

I studied and worked hard for four years, with two small children. The program was far from the easiest I could have gone to, but I was on grant money and didn't have a choice. Only a fraction of the people I started with even graduated, that bad. The work I put in was enormous. No high school drop out walks in with an ounce of confidence, just fear of failure, which I couldn't afford to do, fail.

I got through it. It didn't take long for my marriage to fall apart once I could compete with his wage. He desired even more control with physical threats. I didn't take much, in those days, to send me in a fear frenzy. I left, in fear, with his bullying and threats. I finally had a paycheck to support myself and kids. I had a friend that used an almost empty apartment for boyfriends. I gave her money and fled. I didn't even care about child support. I just wanted it to stop.

I have been given every sob story you can imagine about his loss of family and my choice to see another man. Keep in mind, he used my female friends as a dating service only because of his looks and acting ability, not to mention other women in the bar he hung out at. I saw, with my own eyes, him and a woman with grand form flirtation. I am expected to be faithful to him? No thank you! I got out and did as I wished, for a change.

He destroyed my reputation claiming I left him for another man to neighbors and people who knew me, by aquaintance. I did date after we separated and made no demands upon him. The relationship went that bad, to the point you wish your spouse would find someone else to occupy them besides you and it is a relief. Of course, he leaves out his abuse. Today, he is telling people how I cleaned out the checking account and set him up to steal a house I don't even want, much less can afford, with no job. Unbelievable, but people actually believe this stuff.

This really is how abusive spouses, men or women, are. They tell you what you want to hear. They tell everyone else they are aquainted with some half truth or complete lie, destroying your reputation where you live. The don't take responsibility for their own behavior. There is always some extrinsic cause to make them act the way they do. When you put your foot down, they air dirty laundry, that isn't truthful and things you wouldn't dream of telling anyone except for people very close to you.

I don't want to scare you Gal. You do have a choice as to how you wish to live your life and who you choose to live it with. I will warn you, as others have, you probably cannot have children with this man. If you don't desire children, you hold the cards. You cannot ever allow yourself to be in a dependent position with a spouse who has already displayed abusive treatment towards you. I did and paid for that decision dearly.

Members here are only trying to warn you of what you may be dealing with, in the future. I would personally advise not to have children with this man. It puts you in a dependent position that abusive personalities will and do take advantage of. I will also say that I never thought my husband would ever beat me bloody, but did.

Gal, don't repeat the mistaken beliefs of many, including myself. You have to make decisions that suit you. It would be refreshing news to me that any abuser could change their ways. I haven't seen it yet, but refused to believe all the warnings for many years. I only hope you aren't making the same mistake I did.

Members don't know your husband, you, or your relationship. We see potential serious problems that you really should consider. Don't settle for less. If you want children, I would advise a different relationship, from experience. That isn't up to me or anyone here. We are all concerned about you and your future. We worry about you being with child, in a dependent relationship and possible outcome.

It is your life. It is up to you to decide who to spend it with. You owe no explanation to anyone for your choices. Members are only concerned and want you to think about the future is all.

Wildflower: You are my new hero!

I'm looking forward to reading you are out from under that house, too. Turn that last page and burn the book.

Damn W.F. what a story. Thank you for posting it. I learned something from it myself and hope J.G. can gain some perspective...

Again, I have to thank members for their support. It is reasonable to expect spouses or partners in life to get into horrible arguments. It is not reasonable to say the one who has physical or financial superiority makes all the rules. There are two lives here, equally important.

Joe, I also thank you for words of encouragement. It takes so much time to close that book and open a new one. It is almost like a horror movie. We all desire stability and predictability in our lives, even tolerate blatant abuse to have that.

I am far from there. I have no idea what to do with my life. Today, I am angry with my 17 year old son. He has a drivers license and a job I got for him. He is also a high school drop out, as I was. Teens are a big challenge to raise, especially when you know you are the only parent they have and their other parent is only less than two miles away, which I could walk to him. He wants no part of this. What he has done, since I brought his children home is stupidity I have had to go and correct.

That one got the cops here because I thought he was drunkenly passed out. Drunks need water, which he overheard me talking to the boys. I only own one, but he has a zillion friends. My husband was a complete ass to them. I was, unexpectedly drug up a half a flight of stairs, from the basement, talking to the boys.

My son called the police then also. No one took me seriously. He didn't injure me, yet. He threatened my son physically with betrayal. I threatened him with asset split, if he did not leave these kids alone and deal with them only sober. He did stop threatening my son. You have to figure, he may be 42 years old, but is lean and in good physical shape at 6'3". He is no match for me or a teen or be beaten half to death.

I grew up with a trailer park and the social culture. Bigger doesn't make you bad ass, as I grew up thinking, complete with a gang like mentality for protection. It makes you arrogant and stupid is all. Abuse is not an economic thing at all. My husband is completely white collar. We live in an upper neighborhood of economics. I never dreamed of having a house so big in such a beautiful neighborhood. I wanted to be loved and that does not take cash flow.

It isn't gender related either. I have known men that suffered years of abuse thinking they could do nothing about it and had to live with it, male mentality. This is wrong, no matter where you come from or how you live today or what sex you happen to be. Today is not tomorrow. You can be rich or poor or in between, as most of us are. This is a human problem of men and women who should never suffer any abuse.

Experience has taught me that I am a woman. I am physically inferior. I will suffer injury only because of that. Men, in society, are usually financially superior. Have one child that you wish to care for yourself rejecting day care to keep your young child alive and see for yourself what superiority a man has over you. Men do have physical and financial superiority over a woman with a young child. It is a matter of the psychological make up of that individual whether or not to take advantage, just as women can take full advantage of a man when they are down and we know it.

It takes years, for most people, to come to terms with this duality of love vs. abuse. It did for me. It literally took a physical beating and about a month or more later to understand years of abuse and the pattern with all the mind games people will play to control you.

It is a matter of ethics, which may fool you for years. I was. I know how to use and abuse a man with manipulation, the traditional female tool. Ethics stop me from this behavior. Men utilize power and control as abusive measures. Neither is right.

I wish that I could say I turned the page. I haven't. I'm very hurt and betrayed, at this point in my life. I cannot say that I am ready to close the book because I can't right now. I have to settle issues in my own mind. I have no idea how long it will take. All I can say for today is the fact that I am eliminating everyone from my life that I ever perceive as possible betrayal. I am alone. I am hurting. It hurts so much that I shut off people, who I tolerated before, only because I have serious decisions to make for my life. If they desire to control me, to my perception, I cut them off.

I have no friends. I am too defensive to deal with their expectations, which I find not of friendship, but of their own selfishness. I am sick of people dictating to me. Real friends should be supportive. Apparently, after confronting issues that I find upsetting, I find myself with people, who I took as casual and even good friends, out for their own self interest, at my expense.

I guess that I might as well take my dose at one time, no matter how horrible it makes me feel. Sometimes, you find yourself in need of a real friend and you are grandly disappointed in what you thought you had. I can tolerate no more stress in my life and told a few to stop calling me. I ended up pouring a drink down my throat after a phone call. Real friends don't put that much stress or demands upon you during a horrible time in your life.

I guess that is what it really takes. Put people in your life to a choice. Will the be selfish and demanding? Will they be supportive? I found out the hard way. My friends were not true friends at all. It sucks, but would you rather be ignorant and stupid? Yes, I guess that I would. At least I wouldn't be facing an ugly divorce alone. The thing is, I always was alone, but didn't know it.

It will be a while before I can turn the page on that one, no real friends at all. It is even more difficult to close the book, which means acceptance of all this mess to be able to go on with life. As horrible as it is, at least I get the picture with one dose and will be able to move on, I hope! What I would love to do is start over where no one knows me and I don't know them. I want to head south. My teen kids completely object.

I am still struggling with what is right for me. My husband is very busy destroying my reputation, when he is the criminal. I don't want to live here. I don't want this house. I will take it long enough to rehab it and cash out. This is not screwing my husband. He will get today's value. I keep debating, in my head, whether or not to leave this area completely. I will have no reminders to hurt me. I will have new people. with no bias, as friends.

I have no clue if relocation is an answer for me. I know that I do not wish to live with the reputation my husband put upon me. I know that I don't like the lifestyle of complete boredom here. I know that I hate these depressing, long winter months. I know that I want a different life with no painful reminders of past.

My teen kids aren't so co-operative. I feel like I am serving some life sentience for being the only responsible parent. I feel trapped. Am I being delusional and this will pass or is this really a goal for my future?

Wildflower...thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us. You are a remarkable woman and I have to say, I have a new found respect for you.

Why not relocate to Maryland? It's a wonderful place to live with great hospitals...Johns Hopkins, University of MD Shock Trauma...etc. You would have NO problem getting a job. I so admire your courage and strength, your fortitude. If you decide to visit my state, let me know. I would be more than happy to be your host!

Moving sounds like a great idea, Wildflower. A fresh start in a new place. Sometimes that's just the ticket. I notice you're in Kentucky. How far south are you thinking?

WF, wow! That is surely someone talking from experience!!

I do not know what will be a deal breaker for me at this stage, but maybe I will just have to find out then. Things are so good I don't want to consider otherwise.

And Jacquie, reading your posting is truly heart rendering. I would never ever want to put my kid through such misery. Its horrible!!

Gal, I hope everything works out for you. It is solid fact that people can and do change, only if they wish to. This goes for kids that refuse to do their school work to someone who wants to quit smoking. It is possible your husband decided upon a better way to deal with problems and stress. It is usually the case, once an abuser, always one. That isn't written in stone.

Members and myself only want to give you something to think about and decide for yourself, not scare you to death or tell you to leave your husband, if you are happy and are not abused. I admit, after what I have been through, my first reaction is leave. I quickly say that without knowing you or your husband, out of my own disaster, not anything that necessarily applies to you. Maybe your husband has really changed and will never hurt you again. That is for you to decide, not us. I wish you the best.

Thank all of you again for kind words and encouragement. I feel so weak, helpless, hurt, you name it, all bad emotions. I am scaring myself. I am drinking to make the pain stop at times. I never drank in my life, until now. I suck at drinking. My brother used to call this intolerance a built in mechanism against alcoholism. I always pay for it with a lovely hangover, not really taking all that much to do it.

I'm beginning to wonder. I wont do anything illegal, even though I know a guy to give a shopping list to, if that's what I wanted. I just want to feel just ok, even if for a little while. I am stubborn and determined to make something work, not for myself, but I have two teen kids that have no one besides me. I feel exhaused every single day. I either feel almost numb, best I can describe, and want to be left completely alone or like I want to cry, but the tears never come or like I want to throw up. This is constant.

I think that I finally found a job, with benefits. The pay sucks, but nursing is the only job that I can do to get these bills paid. I wish that I could go for lower demands and stress level, but that doesn't cover expenses. I am so afraid. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm doing good to get the dishes done. I worry constantly. I am getting forgetful, because I am lost in my own little world of despair. I am terrified that I wont be able to hold a job because of this or is this a good thing to get me away from the house and give me something else to occupy my thoughts.

I am completely overwhelmed. I know drinking only makes problems worse, but it works pretty well with stress and sleep problems. Is there a better way of dealing with this? Help!!