How do you survive divorce with Domestic Voilence?

Everything she just said... You women are wonderful.

OMG Brooke, I'm in tears...that poor girl.

As you can see wildflower, there is a network of women and men who are there for you. The reason for this is... because you are worth the attention. You may not love yourself but I swear they are plenty of people who do and there are so many more waiting in the wings.

The idea of the perfect family is ingrained in us from a very young age. It's not weird or unusual to want the ideal. But at what price? You've shed blood and tears for matrimonial hell, it's a price to high for anyone to pay.
Follow the advice written above it's given with knowledge and compassion.
Like Bill said, sell the house. Move to a town far away. Do your research, PM I'll help. Find a town with good schools, jobs and affordable lifestyle. Talk to Women's shelters about therapy and educational grants. Go to school and study something you'd love to do.
And forget the pain and the husband. Please.
Trust me, after a few months your views will change. But don't forget to breathe ok.
Ceili

A warm thank-you to Ceili...Bill....Eva..and littlek.

Those of you that believe in prayer......I'm sure her children need it right now.

I found out two things today.....ONE...her mother has the kids. She said after things settle a little bit she is going to apply for permanent custody of them. TWO.....Her murder has stirred up quite a few of the local police in her area. They are saying how wrong the judge was....because even THEY knew how absurd a slap on the wrist was in this case, because of past criminal activity out of this man. So I expect the judge is going to have alot to answer to from her family ....and others too.

Again...thank-you

Brooke

Everytime I read the title of this thread, I think there's something wrong with it. To my eye, it should read " How do you survive domestic abuse? The answer = divorce "

I understand that a large part of domestic abuse is the psychological portion, where the abused person doesn't realize they've been brain-washed, but it still makes me physically cringe to read anyone say that they understand the abuser better than others, that they can sort things out. It's a chronic situation that's become critical. Horrible.

Thanks for the update, Brooke. I've been thinking about her...and you...today. I will certainly pray for her kids. What a nightmare they will have to grow up with. They can use all the prayers they can get, and probably counseling, too. How old are they?

SO happy to hear that the locals are up in arms about the judge! If this causes even one judge to come down more harshly in a future case, her death will not have been in vain.

Now that is a story that deserves a headline. What the hell is wrong with people...
(((((((((Brooke))))))))))

Thank-You so much, Eva. Very thoughtful and kind of you. Her children are 4 and 9. And your prayers for them are much appreciated.

~Brooke

You're very welcome, brooke. It's the very least...and the very most...I can do.

Been a few days sinc we've heard from wildflower. Anyone else a little worried?

yes.

Wildflower's silence is unsettling--she could just be plunging into her Branch of Local Chaos....or she could be distressed at the collective opinion that The Bully is best forgotten.

Does anyone know her well enough to PM?

Good idea, Noddy, but I don't know her well enough. I hope someone else does. I suspect we did not tell her what she wanted to hear. I hope she is okay.

Chickens. I'll do it.

WOW.... You are a strong woman!!! You write well too! What a horrible horrible man! I will pray that your home repairs come easy and cheap for you! I will just pray for you! If you lived thru all of that you can do anything. Have you considered moving out of state and starting completely over by yourself? At least it would get you further away from him! I am not saying to run away from your problems I am just saying a move would give you a wonderful chance to regroup and explore what you are capable of on your own. Best of Luck to you, you do need to start loving yourself, it takes courage and a special place in your soul to have overcome what you have...keep pressing on and you will get over this mountain!!!!! :wink:

My computer is going insane too! Sorry for the delay. I recently had to reformat this thing and it is acting up again. I know that I put up a post, after several attempts and constant interruptions, but I don't see it!!

First of all, I really want to thank everyone who contributed to this post. I am listening and taking all advice very seriously. I so appreciate all input.

I am so upset, stressed out, and confused at the moment. I getting a constant bombardment that this point, I am completely lost and have no idea what to do or keep a straight thought in my head.

I managed to make an enemy out of my mother in-law. She is an enabler. I demanded that she stay off this property without my permission. I told her that I found her acting in her son's behalf unacceptable. I fully explained to her why. She doesn't get it.

What do they do, but get the sister living in Atlanta to come over because of this family emergency. She was a bit too nice. I am guessing they know they are walking on very thin ice if they try to push me. I have enough problems and don't want or need his family sticking their nose in it. My family isn't. This problem exist only between myself and husband only, not any other family members.

What's up with the sudden interest in these kids anyway? Their presence was only requested at holidays or when my mother in-law wanted something out of them. Their father never visited them for a few years after we separated. He only wanted them for show on holidays also.

Now, they seem to think that I object to them seeing the kids at all. I clearly told her that was not the case. I was not too happy with my mother in-law for not inviting the kids to Easter dinner. That got her another e-mail from me asking why. So what if she is mad at me. The kids have nothing to do with this.

They are so big on appearances, which I have seen right through for years. I blew quite a few of her illusions, like the one about walking in this house as if she still owned it thinking we were too stupid to check property value before buying. We bought a big house in a perfect neighborhood in rehab condition from her when she wanted to retire and move to Oregon. She thinks we are too stupid to know that she did not give us anything but fair market value.

MENSA people are so arrogant about their intelligence that they often underestimate others and over estimate themselves. I believe that I said that one too and backed it. She is a manipulator and thinks us stupid people are too dumb to notice. She will call my son and ask him what he is doing Tuesday. He has no plans and says so. Then she hits him with moving her furniture all over and helping clean her carpet.

Since when did it get anything but dust bunnies under a piece of furniture? No common sense at all! She should have asked my son if he would mind helping her instead of a manipulation trap. He would help her, without resentment, if she would stop this guilt trap.

I had to teach my kids what I have been doing for years with her. If she asks what I am doing on a certain day, I have a whole list of things. Then, I see what she really wants.

I would have no reason to be angry with her at all if she had not walked in the house, without knocking, making demands and chewing my daughter out. I already have to contend with my husband. Sometimes, you see ill will coming. I was harsh on her, but felt I had to be to back her off.

I will not fight both of them by allowing her to behave this way towards me, defending her son the whole way, which is more enablement for him to be a criminal. No matter what he does, it is someone's fault besides his own free choice. She encourages this feeling that everything he does reflects on her parenting, which she does not want to be tarnished in any way.

The stupidity of saving face cost my husband a 20 year job. Mommy thought she could take care of everything and he let her. She told them that he was out of town, not jail. You can make phone calls from jail, but there is this embarrassing recording at the beginning saying the call is from a prisoner at the Kenton County Jail. He didn't call his employer, but should have. He might have his job if they weren't so busy making up lies to put on a front.

I have no job. The bills are stacking up. I already had a lawyer serve him in jail with child and temporary spousal support. They were trying to keep his job loss a big secret from me when our son works at the same place. Don't I deserve to know that we have no health insurance before creating a doctor bill when I can use a government clininc?

A guy with no job can't do a thing to financially help us before the electric gets turned off and we starve to death. I guess they are afraid that with knowledge he cannot pay child support, I may throw him right back in jail if he doesn't help up, which I will. It's high time he paid the price for his own actions, not others.

This also means none of us have any health insurance. I have to get a full time job with benefits quickly. I'm terrified!

Yikes! It's a lot to deal with.

You can do this, Wildflower. You have to. Your kids are depending on you.

Start reading the ads in the paper, contact your state employment office, and call everyone you know and tell them you're looking for a good job. Consider job-hunting your full time job until you land one.

Have you called a domestic violency agency yet? They can help you find a job.

Your job is to sell, sell, sell! Get rid of the aweful memories in exchange for money to move. The longer you stay, the more you'll pay.
Good Luck! (((((((Wildflower63))))))

Wildflower, does he have assets to sell? Can you sell the house and move somewhere smaller and bank the money?

I have called the number the police gave me for battered women or something like that. They can't help me. Only people with little to no assets can be helped. I can't use legal aid for the type of thing I want. They only do simple stuff. I need beyond that and it's going to cost me. I only qualify for food stamps, but that doesn't help with the stack of bills. I have no medical insurance and assets are used against you to get the Gold Card.

My son is a full time employee at the same place his father got fired from. He is eligible for health insurance, thankfully. He's a high school drop out that I am impatiently waiting for him to grow up enough to get a GED and I insist he work full time, save his money, and go to car school. The kid exceeds most adult men fixing anything that runs of fossil fuel, as he puts it.

As you can probably guess, he has been very problematic to raise. He isn't the most mature individual in the world, but far from stupid. He never did schoolwork since kindergarten. I tried everything from the carrot to the stick. Nothing motivated him. He is very friendly and social with a ton of friends. His fun and games cost me my job and apartment, which is how I ended up here.

He has made fantastic progress. He never was a bad person, just thought life was all fun and games. Anyone who disagreed with this opinion was a jerk ruining his fun. He is the only minor employed at this huge chain luxury hotel where he and his father work. He is the only white person in his department also.

As much as any parent hates the thought of their child being a drop out, I am no different. Punishment is pointless. Guidance is extremely important. I always have been the only one to spend the time it takes with these kids. You can only imagine just how time consuming and stressful it is dealing with a difficult teen.

My daughter is 13. The second hormones hit, she went insane also. Her grades dropped from consistent honor roll to barely passing. I have different problems with her. 13 looks like at least 16. She is attractive. She has the same trait of sense of entitlement and quick temper as her father.

As far as the kids go, they are not at all unhappy their father is not living here. My sister in-law kidnapped (joking phrase!) the kids. I thought that they were going to my mother in-law's home, where my husband is now staying, to see family. Their father didn't go, but mother and daughter took the kids to a Alanson (no clue how to spell that one!) meeting for teens.

The kids came back complaining loudly. I have been very open and honest with them about addiction problems and why their father acts as he does. They completely understand, but don't necessarily approve. Even my 13 year old daughter said this was candy coated for the stupid. My son thought he went back to grade school. They were well intended, but don't realize my kids already know the hard cold facts.

My son even made a stand when the issue of trust was brought up. He disagreed that you should freely give trust. He told a room full of people that he doesn't trust a single one of them, not because they are bad people at all. He doesn't know them and they haven't earned his trust. He will not give it. I taught my kids this to protect themselves. Be kind to others always, but never trust anyone who didn't earn it. Tiffany is passing her cell phone with text cheering him on. She is shy enough not to say anything, but will pass thoughts to her brother with a cell phone to make a statement to her unshy brother to speak their minds. I bet the counselors had fun with those two hoping they never come back!

Why on earth didn't they tell me where planned on taking the kids? I wouldn't have allowed it. I knew they would be offended by this. They both know their father's addiction problems have nothing at all to do with them. They know the addiction process. They have for a long time explaining their father's absence from their lives for quite a few years now. I also threw in additional excuses about his work schedule.

They are too old to buy anything but the truth. Living with their father only reinforced what I told them many times about addiction. These kids need no psychological help at all. I gave them the truth. I was there for them. I have been the only true parent they ever knew.

They flip out if they see me with a drink, which is very annoying. I understand their fear. They lost one parent to addiction. They don't want to lose the only person they have to the same thing. I have to be everything to them and hold a job, which isn't easy. They have know for a long time their father is accountable for nothing and I am accountable for everything.

I have a big employment problem. These teen kids are an enormous responsibility. I need an armed guard to keep the party out of my place when they know that I'm not going to be coming home for work for hours.

I probably can get full time employment fairly quickly. I am an RN, which there is a shortage of these days. Wonder why? Everywhere is understaffed. Half the time, you can't even find supplies for a dressing change because of cost cutting. I have to be perfect. There is no room for human error when it comes to people's lives. Not only will I be responsible for patients, but staff also. I couldn't tell you how many times I have clocked out feeling like someone beat me with a ball bat.

I never really could stomach this job, except for part time work. The stress level is incredible on a good day. This is the only job I can get quickly that will cover my bills, but I have to go full time to get health care. I don't know how much stress I can realistically take.

I also have a major renovation project with this house. We bought it in rehab condition. My husband never did like projects, but I did. He has practically destroyed this house by neglect while I didn't live here.

I had two reasons for asking for a legal separation, not divorce. I wanted to hang on to the health insurance. What this house is worth today is split between us. In this condition, it isn't going to sell for much or appraise out. Any increase in property value due to my improvements and repairs go in my behalf. That means walking away with enough money to have a paid for house in a less expensive neighborhood to me.

I don't really want my husband to know what I'm up to. I told his mother I don't want the house, only use of it to have a place to raise these kids. I really don't want it and I do need a place to raise these kids. I don't want to pay high taxes and costs that go with a big expensive house when all is said and done. I can't stand this neighborhood. I have told my husband that a zillion times. That doesn't mean I am willing to let this place go for next to nothing while I'm here. I'm afraid if they know that I'm going to put this house in reasonable sale condition, they will fight me for it. Somehow, I am going to pull this off. It will make a huge financial difference for my future.