For the interim between now and the time someone more competent responds, I'll share some thoughts.
Alcohol reduces brain function, but increases emotions. Since it isn't a steady dosage (I hope) it is full of peaks and valleys that will likely add to your depression. I only drink when my mood is good and my work is done. If you really think you need a chemical crutch; ask your doctor for a mild drug like Celexa (not sure of the spelling). An ex-girlfriend took that for stress and it is the bomb. I took it a few times too, so we could compare notes and see what it was and this is what we found:
Decrease of all emotions. Rage, and most anger for that matter, disappears. You remain quite coherent and outside of emotional times, you don't even notice the effects. Downside. Love, lust and all really good emotions are suppressed right along with the bad ones. It turns you into something of an automaton. Not good for the long haul, but it might be exactly what you need to get you through your current stress. It is certainly better than alcohol.
Work is good in that it provides a break from your "constant stress" as well as getting you out of that house. I must reiterate that most of your stress will evaporate with a change of address. L. Ron Hubbard has a terrible reputation as a supposed "cult leader". However, his book "Dianetics" spend a great deal of time explaining the importance of "re-stimulators" on our behavior and emotions. Your mind records everything around you (smells, sights, sounds etc.) during painful events. The more of these re-stimulators that are present at any period of time in your life, the more likely you are to accept bad, or incorrect thoughts as inevitable or natural. The less of these re-stimulators present, the clearer you will be able to think. I'll try to quote one of his examples from memory (it won't be perfect, I read the book 15 years ago):
Woman gets knocked unconscious while being called a dirty whore, while coffee is brewing and a car is driving by with his horn blaring. While unconscious her brain's "analyzer" is off, so instead of reasoning it records; head-pain= dirty whore= smell of coffee= sound of horn. Years later, while pouring a cup off coffee she hears a horn blaring while a co-worker is gossiping about a "whore" and suddenly she's uncomfortable, feels a little dirty and can feel a head-ache coming on. Had she been in the same surroundings as when the beating took place, the headache would have been worse. MORAL: Less re-stimulators= less uncontrollable, incorrect thoughts.
Now L. Ron claimed to be able to move all of the unconsciously recorded thoughts into the analyzer portion of the brain and thus one becomes a "clear". I don't know if that's possible, but don't think it's necessary for his research to be of use.
Example 2 Man gets hypnotized and while "under" is told by the hypnotist that when he awakes; he will respond to the hypnotist's touching of his tie by alternately putting on or removing his jacket. Interestingly, when the hypnotist later touches his tie; the man doesn't just reach for his jacket, he also comments that he feels a bit of a draft. When the hypnotist touches his tie again a few minutes later; again, instead of just removing his jacket the man explains that it is wool and too warm for the room. This comparison is valid because while under hypnosis, the man, just like the woman earlier's "analyzer" is off, so he recorded tie touch= add/remove jacket, with no rational reason why. When "re-stimulated", he actually comes up with excuses for his own irrational behavior. Back to the example: the hypnotist can repeat this experiment as often as he likes, and the man continues to come up with excuses. Right up until the hypnotist explains why the man is doing what he's doing. Once the man's conscious analyzer examines the data, tie touching merely reminds him of a silly false program that has now been debugged. Getting rid of all these little "bugs" is the essence of Dianetic therapy. Again, I have no idea if this can really be done, but posit that if the man moved out of the tie-touching environment, there would be no re-stimulation and therefore no irrational thoughts derived from it.
Sell all the crap in the house as well as the house itself, and you too will have less of the irrational thought inspiring "re-stimulators" around you to make you unhappy. I'm no "clear" and I've never had a Dianetic therapy session but some of Hubbard's theories are to sound to dismiss.
I wonder, during abusive periods; did your husband tell you; you were lazy, stupid, worthless etc.? And if so, how much are the re-stimulators around you making you feel that way now?
Actually, that was very good insight, Bill. I'm not an experienced drinker at all, but making up for lost time. I never would drink at all, until now, thinking my life has caved in around me. I didn't think it mattered. I know plenty of people who drink, even every day, who I would never consider a problem drinker. I only know what I was taught in nursing school about drinking. My questions about drinking may belong in a different forum, but I don't know which one. All that I do know is that I feel like I am committing a slow suicide and am scared of myself.
I completely understand what you are saying about reminders. I am surrounded by them. They hurt bad. It is this house. It could be a beauty. You should see it. It was in rehab condition when we bought it. I ripped it up one room at a time. I have a reason to then. It was for my family to have a nice place to live.
Today, the rehab of this house has a very different meaning. Keep in mind, my husband was brought to court multiple times for neglect of the outside of the property. You should have seen the inside, when I moved in here! I never stayed here long enough to notice anything but a pig sty. I found walking in here very depressing. I only came in to get something I absolutely needed, which wasn't much considering limited space of an apartment vs. a big four bedroom house. I wanted to see the dog, which he did nothing but keep alive, while I paid vet bills for problems he should have taken care of, but didn't.
I could have the kids with no problem out of him. He refused to allow me the dog, a large pedigree Lab, that took me four years of begging to get. He liked cats. I love animals. I sure wouldn't want to be his dog or kid, for that matter.
NEGLECT is a big word here. He neglected his family and even a dog, which he claimed to want and had a fit walking in seeing her gone. I loved this dog. I paid the vet bills for her that resulted in both ears with burst blood vessels and a serious ear infection only because he didn't treat something as simple as ear mites.
After living in this disaster, I felt that I should tip the garbage man. He never took the garbage out, so I figure they had a break for a long time and didn't bother. The dog had worms from inside the house. I did manage to guilt him into cleaning up the basement or the dog's toilet, so that we could use the washer and dryer. My son was having allergic type reactions living there. If you can't find a floor, you sure can't run the sweeper, right? imagine the filth, animal dander, kennel smell, and garbage that I removed.
Once I uncovered the house from so much accumulation of filth and garbage, I noticed that every single room, that I worked very hard on, was damaged due to his neglect to even clean the gutters, which the court ordered him to replace. He didn't bother to fix two flashing leaks either. Great! That just destroyed the entire wall paper I put up in the kitchen and plaster repair, which was monumental in every room, and needs more repair and another paint job. Every single effort I worked so hard on, called sweat equity, was destroyed.
I look around at the horrible reminders every day trying to tell myself it is just a house. It is hard to do repairs that I know how to do, with no heart in it, just money. The fact is, I need that money. It would be psychologically easier to sell for a fraction of worth to a rehabber. I know how to do this work, so why should I?
I will tell you why I shouldn't. It is a problem larger than me and my own feelings. It is fact that today's youth will need further education. Most kids are far from college ready, right out of high school and I don't really want to flush money down the toilet until these kids are mature enough to take this seriously. You know when they take it seriously? When they work for a low wage and see how far their paycheck really goes. I give my kids a run down on bills, rent, food, car insurance, repairs, you name it, so that they are informed.
I have a nose for money management and always have. My dad still chops wood to heat a very expensive house, not that this is necessary, but my family believes in wasting nothing or you are not showing respect for what you have, even if it is very little. We all have earned something, even if happens to be only the clothes on our back. I can't be as simple as my parents. I have to learn the stock market and how it works. I have to negotiate everything or be ripped off. It all goes back to a simple belief, respect what you have earned and waste nothing. Can you make money with that idea, if you don't blow it!! My parents did. We are simple people, but not stupid ones.
I fully understand what negative psychological impact living in this house has on me today. I understand why I am determined to rehab this place. I want to be able to help, not give handouts, to my children for their own future. Most all adult parents of teen children are unreasonable and not good parents, if they allow their kids or throw them out at 18, without very good reason. They need us, whether they want to admit it or not.
I have threatened my 17 year old son that his time is limited. He is a high school drop out. He works at the same place his father did, before he got himself fired. I couldn't care less how old he is. If he doesn't want to build a life for himself, then he is expected to move out and pay rent. He is also very welcome back in my home only if he decided to work and get himself educated, not blowing money left and right only because he can, as a minor.
There are some things parents have no control over. I can't make choices for either of my children, only guide them. I will lay money on it that my son may decide upon splitting rent with his friends with a dishroom paycheck. At least I insisted that he get health insurance!! I also know he will lose patience with this. He already is, with his friends, since getting a drivers license. They think he is a taxi cab. It gets a lot worse sharing an apartment with friends when you can't even get enough sleep to hold a job in a dishroom. That is reality, as I told him.
My daughter, who knows what problems she will bring. I'm sure she will. She is awful to deal with at 13, complete with a sense of entitlement, like her father. I expect the exact standards of both children and give no breaks for being female and demand personal responsibility out of both of them.
This is going to take years of adult kids under my roof!! Let's take a vote. Does anyone think their father will help adult kids when he wont bother with them as minors? No way! I need a house that has three bedrooms, for me and two adult kids. I love them enough to give them a future.
If I leave now, they can't have that, but I will have peace of mind and nothing to offer my kids at all. I am their only parent. No matter what hell these constant reminders or triggers are, I have to do it, for my children's future, not mine. I don't have the will or heart in it. I don't have an ounce of strength left in me, but I have to find it, somehow.
A parent is responsible to the age of 18 only. That is when child support stops, assuming that the job market of today allows young people to be on their own and able to pay their own way in life. That is a joke and not a funny one. The responsible parent, me only, will keep adult children, financially support them, as always, to enable them to get an education, which takes years. It also takes a few years of work, to save money and learn their profession of choice, for them to be ready to fly from the nest. This is true and any responsible parent would agree, but no one is going to give me a dime of child support for a kid over 18 or share the cost with me, right?
This is why I will deal with hell of reminders that only hurt me today. I want a better future for my kids is all and they deserve that out of any loving parent. It sucks and I am scared. Bill, you were right on the mark with what is really upsetting me. I wish that I could leave these constant reminders behind and start a new life, but feel it would be to the detriment of my children and their future needs. You weren't as far off base as you thought!!
Thanks Bill!!
Another thought, this time with financial examples.
House A: rundown, worth about $100,000 in its current condition. With $20,000 work it will be worth $150,000. It is hard to get motivated to do anything about it, because of many crappy memories.
So, we consider:
House B: Costs $100,000 is smaller, but is in tiptop shape already. I don't want to do this because I would be forfeiting the $30,000 profit I can have by fixing up House A. (all Dollar amounts are for example only).
Solution?
Sell House A and purchase House C!
House C: rundown, worth about $100,000 in is current condition. With $20,000 work it will be worth $150,000. It's not hard to get motivated to do anything about it, because there are no crappy memories.
Point?
There is no reason to believe your maintenance skills can only bring you profit there. Use your money skills, and you may even find a better candidate.
As always, I do wish you all the best, Bill
No, after asset split, we are talking over 100k. This house really is worth that much, in proper repair. I'm not talking only a few thousand dollars here. It is a lot more money than that.
Darlin, the numbers in the example are for example purposes only. Punch in your own numbers... the equation remains the same.
I understand the message. Even without the money at stake, this house is jointly owned. Do you think my unemployed drunk of a husband is going to pay for it? He wont and I know it. Irresponsibility has been one of his strong points for the last few years. He wasn't always like this at all, but is today.
I'm not sure how much better I would feel just getting the hell out of here, with no constant bombardment of reminders, that constantly hurt me. I would love to find out! I can't.
I have talked to a few people that went through messy divorces, just like what I am going to get. I have been told by so many people it takes about two years, after everything is final, to be able to come to terms with it and be yourself again. That scares me to death. From what others tell me, no matter where I am, I am going to feel lousy.
I guess this house is something I feel that I am going to end up paying for anyway. I am just as financially responsible as my husband for the mortgage, which he isn't going to pay and I know it.
A judge ordered him to vacate this property. Unless it goes back to court, he can't live here or afford to anyway. I guess that I feel that I am stuck with this house, no matter, until it sells or he buys me out, which I will make sure he loses something, like this house. I already lost too much. Time for him to feel a bit of a sting of loss, which he doesn't. I have to live somewhere and he isn't legally allowed to live here, by court order, even if I don't, until the year of 2007.
Given the fact that I have two teen kids, of opposite sex, needing their own bedroom, the price of rental property is really no cheaper than staying here. Your mortgage stays the same. We have owned this house over ten years with a grand payment of about $250/mo. Add taxes and insurance with the escrow account and I pay $525/mo. No matter, this figure has to be paid or the house goes into foreclosure.
With the price of rent for three bedrooms, which I need, I am not going to get off any cheaper living somewhere else. The heat, in this monster of a house, with a 1928 coal convert furnace is enough to kill you.
It still ends up cheaper to stay here than rent until the house sells. I can make some sort of payment plan with a furnace guy, right? Everyone does this, in immediate need, with high interest. I hope to sell before it gets that bad, but will pay, to improve property value until then. Both our assets are locked up. I cannot cash out my investments. He cannot cash out his 401k.
It looks like I am stuck with this house, want it or not. It seems pretty clear to me that my drunk of a husband will not pay the mortgage or even half of it to keep the house out of foreclosure. Once again, he knows me all too well. I am a money management freak. He knows it. He knows that he can do a responsibility dump on me because he refuses to take any when absolutely necessary.
We are talking about an addict that cares more about his drinking buddies than his own kids, which he wants no responsibility for with addiction problems becoming deeper.
I have filed for court ordered child support for minor children. I am also planning on asking for some responsibility of cost of this house, which I can legally get also. Many states have done away with spousal support, but do make an individual accountable for costs of jointly owned property, especially if this provides a home for their child or children. I can get that too. I would like to know what century I will actually see it.
I need help NOW. My parents gave me money. I wish that I had kept track of it, but was so upset and confused, I didn't. They are not asking for this cash to be repaid. They do ask of me that I end an abusive marriage or will resent every dime given to me. I actually got it confirmed today. I have a full time job adequate to pay all expenses with health insurance. I should be able to cover next months bills, I hope. No matter if court ordered, the only time I will see cash out of my husband to help us is going to be a matter of a minus on his side of a divorce settlement, that's it.
I'm on my own and not counting on anything but what I can and will earn through work, which my husband refuses to do, to date. He refused comparable work from my son, who works at the exact same place, in a dishroom, being the only white boy, by someone who feels bad for his father. He was given a business card, with names of reference and assured this was a for sure job. My husband didn't bother. He is trying to screw us all again, when we most need help, but couldn't care less for anyone but himself, living for free with Mommy and working for spending money, under the table.
I do feel that my parents should not be paying my bills. I feel my husband should, until I have adequate time to support this family alone. My parents may not accept money repayment. My mother isn't a good one to create debt with. My father gave me money also with no strings attached. I wish to pay them back and will try, if they accept it. They could buy and sell me, at this point in life, but my father worked very long and hard for this. I will not take advantage of them in elderly years. They are not responsible for me, as an adult. I am.
I have been legally advised to keep track of all bills paid towards this house because a judge very well may, and probably will, order child support along with some financial help with bills of jointly owned property, where his children live. Spousal support is out of vogue, in many states, but not household bills, which I have claim for help.
Would I like to walk out and not look back? Absolutely. What I want today is to relocate in the south, which I love the lifestyle. Maybe I will, after everything is settled, but try relocating teens! They aren't exactly flexible on this issue at all.
The fact is, this is going to be a very long, drawn out divorce. Given the bitter circumstances, it is going to be expensive. Lawyers negotiate with your spouses lawyer. This process can take a few years, believe it or not.
In the meantime, I need a place to live and so do these two teen children. It is only because we bought a rehab condition house, which I took on, room by room with repair, sold to us by my husband's mother, that the purchase price was low. I adore old houses. I loved rehab projects. I hate housework.
I can restore a room and walk in every day and see accomplishment, which is more than I can say for housework, which I hate. It feels like a dog chasing it's tail to me. It's never done, just like bills are never paid. Imagine how you would feel, after extensive effort, to see your work destroyed by someone too lazy to clean out the gutters. I am sickened and outraged. I have to do ever room all over again. Fantastic!
Like it or not, I am stuck with this house and the bills with it. Given the fact that I have two teens to house, it really is in my best interest to use this time wisely. I have to live here anyway. I will be stuck paying for it until an ultimate settlement is made, which my husband will owe money he did not pay for child support or cost of this house.
I still haven't worked up the nerve to call for appraisals, but should. It is embarrassing to me. Would you want local people talking about how bad your house is? I have had enough humiliation with my husband beating me and our local police are passing out my bloody picture.
My husband did enter this house illegally, when I was not home. This was a two person job and I know it. I suspect his mother as involved with this. He removed items of value. I went to the police about it. They are like a bunch of gossipy old wash women. They are better described as a bunch of Nazis, with little knowledge of their limits, which they push and gossip about everyone. Life in a small city! These cops can't really be expected professional standards. No small city can afford this type of individual to hire.
No one should take legal advice from a cop, since they are clueless. I did get into a conversation with two of them, with the judge's order, in hand, complaining about illegal entry and removal of property. One is the cop with mutual dislike. The other happened to be here for the call when my husband beat me.
Interesting conversation. The cop, with mutual dislike, started talking about his own divorce and hardships because of it. The other one is new and doesn't know me, beyond the singular call for domestic violence. He saw me with blood all over. He heard me saying over and over that my husband would never hurt me. He saw my shock and disbelief for himself. He doesn't hate me. The other one does, by reputation, not fact. My husband may be a criminal, but the rest of us should not be condemned because of it, but are. I hate living here for many reasons.
They can't do much besides stop at the local donut shop or wont. I get into a conversation with a cop that there is mutual dislike on both sides. He keeps making public service announcements about my son telling anyone who will listen that he is 'bad news', which I object to. I wonder when they will ever take me seriously. Never! They never did with several calls from my son with physical abuse from my husband, until I was beaten bloody. There were multiple calls made by my son, not me.
I do remember that the other cop was at my house when my husband beat me. The one that there is a mutual dislike for did not believe me that there was a restraining order until the year 2007. The cop of mutual dislike and I disputed my words, with a legal document in my hand, telling me he has never heard of a restraining order lasting this long.
The other cop, who was at my home, asked him if he saw the pictures of me and told him that 'he did a real number on her', his words. No, the cop that I don't like, hadn't seen those horrible, embarrassing pictures, but will, out of curiosity, not law enforcement. I so look forward to these horrible pictures of me being seen by anyone and objected to having my picture taken, but it was not my choice at all, but evidence of a crime committed by my husband. I feel shame and still do and don't wish to have bloody pictures of me spread around and gossiped about, which I know will happen.
I have taken enough, without fueling the fire with bloody pictures taken, by gossiping small town cops. I just fueled the fire with my complaint of illegal entry. I am so sick of living here. My son, as a new driver, has been cited twice. He repaired his father's pick up truck, with low mileage, given his multi DUIs. His father got confused, when a 15 year old kid kept telling him the mechanical problem. His father's ego problem, for not listening. The kid was right, but has problems with clamps holding a catalytic converter together and was pulled over. He was also ticketed, less than a week later for parking in the wrong direction. He has his father's permission to drive this vehicle. He paid for all cost of driving. He is also paying every time a cop runs plates seeing his father's name. The police think this is his father and make him pay. They see this truck, which they know is his, assuming we are still seeing each other. We aren't. The kid drives and they happen to catch it, he gets pulled over. The local cops know what happened. They don't know that my son is the sole driver of this vehicle and keep citing him. Like they don't enjoy harassing teens anyway! They do, especially 'bad news', like my son, with no legal difficulties in a few years.
He and a friend decided to play with fire, using paint thinner in an abandon apartment building sink at 14. They intentionally set a fire and thought that a steel kitchen sink would contain it. Wrong answer!! He was prosecuted for throwing rocks. The end of my criminal son's record. Not that I approve of what he did at all, but know plenty of kids that set their own home on fire, without precaution of a steel sink that got no felony charges. I paid the owners, in full, for damages to property. He smokes pot too. Like I didn't as a teen and grew up and out of it!! So will he. Because of a loser of a father with multiple DUIs and other legal problems, his son is seen as the same contempt for law, but he isn't at all or I would kill him myself!
This isn't right, but what you get living in a small city, with a small minded police department. They even called a different city over loud pipes using drug dogs. I advised him never to let these Nazis search him or his vehicle and ask for probable cause, which has changed since Homeland Security, which gives an idiot of an ego puff cop even more authority to break basic constitutional rights of the individual.
Given my son's related a crime, yet we all get to pay, by association of small minded cops, who showed obvious interest in my son's age. Yes, he is a minor and no matter what you do to him, it wont stick!
The cops hate my husband. They are younger. They don't understand how a drunk can keep a house as expensive as this. I have been told, by the vine of gossip, that the cops were actually watching our house, thinking we must be drug dealers. I find this insulting and invasion of my privacy.
I don't owe any local cop my bank statements, mortgage agreement, or anything. They are younger and don't get how we can afford this house with a drunk supporting it. My husband is a strong individual that does not back down to much of anything. He is a fighter, by nature, only because life taught him to be, which can be used in the wrong way.
My husband earned his reputation, but we did not. Another grand reason I want out of here fast, just to get a fair deal out of life without harassment of a badge and gun by some moron with the right connections and high school diploma. This is a beauty of a neighborhood, with fantastic houses, but we have cops thinking adults are drug dealers and a public service announcement that my son is 'bad news' without criminal convictions to back this.
As much as the 'public service announcement's cop and I can't stand each other, he starts telling me about his divorce. What is this? It is that bad living here, well beyond constant hurtful reminders and know it.
The 'Public Service Announcement' cop, with mutual dislike for each other, didn't believe me when I told him no one beside me or my husband had any knowledge of where the stamp and coin collection was located. I cleaned up this house, to my ability, which is horrible, by normal standards, but livable. I was the one who collected this mess and put it away. My husband wont even let his drinking buddies in the house thinking they may steal from him, knowing he collects. Sorry dearly beloved, but you screwed me. 18 years worth of that collection is legal joint property, but he removed it, illegally. I have to equally split my investments with him. He should equally split his collection.
Like any cop will bother to investigate the obvious! These morons wont and blame me for not properly putting up bars on my windows so my husband cannot get in. I'm ready to buy another dog. A trained attack/guard Doberman. I have the most loving Boxer, bred for the exact same reason, but he isn't effective.
The house really is that bad. This is all my husband is legally able to split with me bills and assets. I know how to rehab a house and used to love it, but have no heart to do it for these reasons of asset split, which sicken me. I do have reason to do it for my ability to buy a house for two adult children that need further education to live so they will need.
I have to give them some sort of future or no one else will, no matter how awful they act today. They will grow up, I hope! No, they will, just as I had to. Given the fact that I am completely stuck with this house being foreclosed on or live here and pay the bills, what would you choose? Probably the same choice, or is it one? Rehab this place. Get it ready for sale. I am finding this so difficult and have no heart in it. I only have survival instincts left in me is all.
What would you do, if you were me?
I know the local police dislike for my family and demand rights. I told my son that it is his legal right to refuse search of himself, which cops have done to him repeatedly, finding nothing. I told him, since driving, to respectfully ask for probable cause for search of his vehicle or person. I told him how to politely lay hints that they can be sued for breaking constitutional rights of illegal search.
I know how they operate and cannot allow my son to be treated in this way, like a Jew in Nazi Germany, taking individual rights. The cops decided to call in a drug dog from another city. They found nothing on my son, his passenger, or vehicle. Then he gets a ticket for $30 for parking on the wrong direction.
They run the tag, making stupid assumptions and passing out tickets or waiting the time of utilization of a drug dog from another city, wishing to punish my husband and love to harass teen of fathers who are unworthy. What part of this is his fault? I want my kids to stop being harassed by local police. My daughter was even called a liar because of her last name, which she found offensive. If my kids aren't sick of this treatment, as a bunch of low lives, I am. I pay their salary!!
I do want out of here, but it isn't going to happen. What choice do I have? Life in horrid conditions or invest time and money, in my own behalf, to put this place up for sale, at a price my mother in-law cannot bail him out of this time? I have to live somewhere, no matter how much it sucks. If I run, I am still obligated to a joint mortgage. I want out!! The fact is, it will not happen so quickly
Wildflorwer what state do you live in?
Damn girl, I wish I had answers for you. I did notice your mortgage is tiny compared to what you assume the property is worth. Perhaps a letter to the judge will convince him you need to sell the house. I'm no lawyer, so I really don't know. A good attorney may also be able to get you BACK-child support for the years you received nothing, and deduct it from the "asset split" upon sale. I'd like to think a judge might consider his track record and credit standing to determine that you should get a larger chunk of the proceeds from the sale in lieu of future child support you'll likely never receive.
Love the BIG GUARD DOG idea. Be sure he's trained well (and give the trainer something of your husbands to make the dog know the smell is danger, hint, hint, hint).
Best wishes,
(((((((((Wildflower)))))))))
how can i help my sister?
My sister turned up at mine two days ago after being beaten by her husband. She told me some horrific stories of the past 18 years with him. However, she has now gone back to him. she won't go to the police or a doctor. What can I say to her to make her see sense? I can't believe that I had never noticed what was going on. Our dad died 21 years ago when we were 16 and i feel as the oldest son I should have been protecting her. I have to do that now....
That sucks dude. Are you strong enough to put the fear of God in the monster?
most definately, but i am not sure that is the answer. i can think of nothing better but my sister came to me in distress and then went back. I need to help her but I don't want to fall out with her at the same time. I need to convince her that going to the authorities is the best thing for her to do.
It certainly is, and I wish you the best of luck convincing her. Her safety should be your number one concern, though. I'll stop short of suggesting anything illegal but I assure you if it were my sister, dude would KNOW he couldn't afford another violation.
Just thinkin about it's makin me jittery. Take care of this.
btw, Welcome to A2K!
Good luck, howdoihelp. This is a tough one. You can tell her all about domestic violence and how it escalates and how many women are killed each year, but ultimately she will have to make the decision to leave him. Undoubtedly, she is scared. You can offer to go with her to the police and file charges (at least get a protective order), then help move her into a women's shelter where she will be safe. Until then, maybe she could stay at your house?
You might also contact your local women's shelter and tell them the same story you wrote above. Ask them for their advice on what you can do.
Hey folks...i can weigh in here...
it's been over a year since i spoken to my mom, the recent domesitc dispute episode started when my dad allegedly hit her.
now i'd been down this road before and did not want my stepdad around my house and my kids like that.
So she asked if she could stay with me...i told her no. I didn't want to be her enabler. She wanted to ask my uncle, and my aunt both of them said no as well...
She got mad at all of us, I told her i will recommend that you do go to a womens' shelter get some counseling and get yourself together. Get a restraining order etc.
but i wasn' about to let her and my loser half brother move in with the 5 of us already in my house. I run a tight budget i have no time and need for sponges.
She lasted 5 weeks at the shelter. She had decided not to work for nearly a year before the outburst so i basically told her she needed to get a job to support herself while she lived with me...she could use my car but she had to help pay for the car expenses and some of the rent plus some of the food.
I made it clear i was not looking to profit but that she was not getting a free ride, she said wanted to help herself, i said well start by paying your way like i do.
Mom never really did much to raise me and had been cared for my dad and stepdad for many years.
my wife feared i would weirdly replace them because of the fact i held my jobs, bought my own house at 25, and had a pretty good marriage to my wife.
Well battles started ensuing between the wife and my mom and me...
mom likes to sit on the computer for hours and hours and chat on the computer. So locked down my computer so that she could not tie up my phone line.
She didn't like that...told her she was welcome to get her own phone line and i'd help her set up a computer for herself but i wasn't paying for it.
that never materialized.
I also decided during this time that i was selling my home.
my wife got a job promotion that put her 65 miles from her job so we decided it was time to move.
Mom didn't like that so she decided to argue with my wife one night when i wasn't around.
I did not get in the middle of that. I basically told my mother that she needed to find other accomodations because she was starting to strain my marriage.
my mistake was letting her hear my wife and i argue.
and sometimes she knew i was upset. but i know how to manage that better now.
Well i don't remember all the details but my mom paid up and left one weekend while were gone.
I told her you,,, if you leave that's it. I don't have revolving door policy. Youre not going to hurt my kids the way you hurt my sister and me.
I got one card in that year on my birthday this year and i have not written nor will i do so. I don't want her to have any contact with me or my children ever again. Same goes for my stepfather.
That's half the family sorted out.
Thanks for the advice Eva.
I have suggested to my sister all that you have said, but I didn't acctually offer to go with her. I should try that.
((((howdoihelp))))
Sweetheart.......how do you start helping her?
You start by "reminding" her of all the wonderful qualities she has. How special a person she is. And how much she is loved. Help her to identify her own strengths.
She has been in this abusive relationship for 18 years. And that, my darlin, is "part" of the reason it is not easy for her to leave. He has had too many years to convince her that she is worthless. Too many years of telling her all the reasons why he hits her. All of them, her fault of course :wink: (NOT!) And......she has had too many years to fall into the trap of becoming almost accustomed to every fist that tragically touches her body.
To someone who has never been faced with domestic violence, it might be hard to understand why a victim stays. For them......leaving is not just a simple event. It is an "action". And one that plays tug a war with their minds. On one hand......they want so desperately to leave their abuser. On the other hand they are frozen in fear. Fear of what he might do to them if they do leave. For many times they are threatend with death. And if there are children involved, the fear is even greater. Most abusers will use the children as a threat to keep the victim from leaving. He might tell her that he will gain custody and in her mind.....God only knows what he might do to the children if she is not around.
Eva gave some excellent advice.
Your want and need to protect her are a natural product of your love for her. And any anger you might have for her abuser might play out in your mind, making you want to put his lights out. I'm sure you would love nothing better, then to deck his ass. And understandably so. But, I think you know that if you did that, as soon as he got her alone....she would pay the price. For all of his anger at you would fall upon her body. And you don't want that.
It's a very difficult place for you to be. There is no cut and dry way to help her leave him. These are choices she has to make for herself. But like I said earlier........you can start helping her to leave him by building up her self esteem. For as long as she feels lack of self worth.....she has very little motivation to leave, sadly enough.
Battered women, also, do not like the "just leave" gospel preached to them. When someone does that.....they feel like they are being judged. Like they are being told "I can live your life better then you can. You are too feeble minded to figure out that all you need to do is JUST LEAVE!"
I think it might be a good idea for you to visit her regularly. Keep an eye on the volatility in the household. See if you can get her to do things with you. Take her to lunch. Or out shopping. Do little fun things with her.
If you need someone to talk to please pm me. I may not have all the answers but I have one heck of a good ear
~Brooke
I was hoping you'd show up, Brooke!
Listen to her, howdoihelp. She knows whereof she speaks.
Now that Brooke's here, I hereby retract all of my advice and defer any and all future opinions to her by proxy. She's the bomb in this field dude... listen to her.
Boy, this thread has brought up a lot of memories for me. Yes, it's very frustrating to see someone putting up with this treatment, and to this day, I really can't answer why people do. My story is similar (as they all are.)
My first marriage was a mistake that should have never happened. It's a long story, but in summary, I was in a big hurry to grow up. I married my high school prom date with whom I had nothing in common. He punched me in the face on our honeymoon and it was all downhill from there. I was too immature to even know what to do (I was 20,) and by the time I was 24 I had two babies who had seen me beaten up in front of them for as long as they can remember. To this day I have no idea why I had gotten myself into playing grownup when I was in no way emotionally or financially able to do so. I guess I was just allowing myself to be swept along by the current of "what a grownup is supposed to do," and followed along like a sheep.
By the time I was in my early 30's I had made a game plan to stay for financial reasons (I had quit college after two years, like a fool, and didn't have any education to fall back on,) until the children were out of high school and then get out. My family is very religious and I knew they would be of no help, telling me "Jesus hates divorced people," and "It's a sin to break your vows." I knew I was on my own, so I had to plan accordingly. When my children were 10 and 12, I had an affair, which was completely against my nature, but looking back I think it was a desperate attempt to get out of a no-win situation. I could have handled it better, but hindsight's better than foresight. My then-husband found out since he was always going through my purse, my checkbook, and accusing me of having an affair anyway (meanwhile he was having one for years before that with our neighbor.) One night I was going Christmas shopping with one of my friends and he assumed (as always) that I was going out on a date. He threw me into the bathtub and held a gun in my face threatening to kill me. My then 12-year-old daughter called the police as I had done countless times before but dropped charges for fear of living in poverty and rejection from my family, but not this time. I told them everything and so did my daughter (such a brave little girl.) He was removed from the house and taken to jail. His mother bailed him out the next morning and he lived with her for years. Not because he loved or missed me so much, but rather because he didn't "win," my ex husband is now a broken down bitter old man who revolves his life around "making me pay" for humiliating him and leaving the marriage.
He seldom works, drinks constantly and has no regard for his health (I have no contact with him, this has all been relayed to me by our daughter.) I have moved four times in four years to four states to stay one step ahead of his finding my whereabouts. Hopefully he has no idea where I now live. He had ostracized me in our community as part of my punishment by starting rumors that I'm a prostitute, a lesbian, in jail, dying of AIDS, dealing drugs, deceased and those are just the stories that have gotten back to me. I have no idea what else is flying around, but no one in my former community will be seen dead with me, which is just what he wanted. I surmise that he figured that if he had cut off any potential support system that I may have had, I'd be forced to come back. More likely he was trying to make me look worse than he did, so no one would "look down" on him because his wife left him. Who knows.
He has since turned my son against me, and I haven't seen or heard from my son in over 5 years. My ex had encouraged him to steal from me while he was living at my house and I do have proof that he had. Still I miss him terribly but I doubt that I will ever trust him again. My daughter has grown into a very smart, independent young woman who knows she doesn't need to depend on anyone if she has her education. Her father has paid for none of it. My current husband and I have paid for her college tuition, car payments, cell phone, credit cards, food, rent, insurance, you name it, and plan on continuing to do so until she completes her bachelor's degree and is able to work full time and support herself. Her father just says, "tell your mother and her cute little boyfriend to pay for it." And we do. This is not her fault, but he uses her and her brother as weapons against me time and time again. He's the master at playing the victim and coming out smelling like a rose. He always has been and I'm no match for his acting ability. I just try my best to assume my parental responsibilities for our daughter, and stay the hell out of his way. He's a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure.
I have since remarried to someone with values and goals similar to mine, and am finally working on earning my bachelor's degree. The experience of my divorce was the turning point in my life. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had accepted that situation and stayed there. I probably would have been killed by now, or in a mental institution. That experience showed me that the first person I should always depend on is me, and I've never forgotten that. I had missed 15 years of growth, discovery and enjoyment of my own life, but on the other hand I wouldn't have the children I love so dearly without having married that man, so nothing is completely bad. I learned from this experience more than I've learned from any other, and even more important, my daughter did too and I am certain that she will never have to go through anything like I did. That's a pretty good feeling, actually there's none like it.
