How do you survive divorce with Domestic Voilence?

Oh my god. . . that's horrible.

I really wish I had advice to give you. I don't. All I can say is you have my sympathy, and good wishes being sent your war.

It does sound to me like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Getting him away from you is the first step down the road to recovery. One hopes he will get the pciture and either clean up his act, or move on to something else.

If you ever need to dump or blather on, feel free to IM me. . . if nothing else, I'll listen. I wish I could offer more than that, tho.

Both of my sisters got into relationships with abusive men. There were kids involved in both cases. My oldest sister made the mistake of leaving the state to get away from the abuse. The courts saw that as kidnaping and put her in jail, not him...

After they got away from the abusive environment things started getting a lot better for them. Both are doing very well now. Neither of them want to remarry though. Go figure.

I am so not qualified to advise you in this situation. I add my sympathy and best wishes to Turner_727's.

I do know that you are not alone. An Angel even built a website on the subject, that you can reach by clicking here.

Also, I know that justa_babbling_brooke would be able to offer sound advice. I'd PM her immediatly if I were you.

I too wish I could be of more help. I do wish you the very best of luck.
Huggs: ((((((((((((((((Wildflower63)))))))))))))))))

I can definately relate, So sorry to hear that someone else like myself has to go through the same horific situation!just reading your post, i saw myself just a few years ago in the exact situation my Ex actually tried to kill me by driving my car through my camper where i was on vacation( well deserved) with my kids.. It all started with the name calling and verbal threats and then escalated into the hitting ( of course i "Pushed" him into everything he did) i'm sure you've heard the same lines,( all abusers for the most part have the same lines they use) but i never imagined that he would or could possibly try to actually kill someone.. NEVER underestimate anyone and their actions!!!!needless to say he got to visit the state hotel ( jail ) for many years which made my life easier yet harder( bills,kids ect ect..)but you are on the right track, already, you have that restraining order now make sure you use it to the fullest possible.notify your local police dept. that hes out and you have a protection order first thing! as well, locate you women in distress center for your city/state and they can guide you to every measure possible to keep yourself safe and let you know what kind of assistance is available for you( every state has one) they as well can counsel you and guide you through your divorce. as well as just to be a non- judgemental ear to lend you. i actually thought after my ex got out of jail the time he spent there he would of learned not to bother me anymore and stay away. thank god for my restraining order he got out and the phone calls and driving by the house started then he grew balls and decided he was gonna take care of me again for sending him to jail well, that didn't last, now hes in violation of the restraining order and harassment and back in jail... you just have to be strong and stick to your guns its very hard. without going into the entirety on this message board feel free to PM me anytime even if you just need an ear or if theres something i can help you with at all. Good Luck and stay strong...

"He had the nerve to say I attacked him by grabbing his testicles. His mother is stupid enough to believe I would attack a 6'3" man unarmed and think I could ever come out ahead. I made an enemy out of her. I refuse to allow her into my home on her son's behalf. She doesn't ever bother to even knock on the door or call before coming over."
Whoa, I have so been there. He's 6'4" and pleaded self-defense, and his mother told my kids that if I would just do what he says, he wouldn't have to hit me, and that I should know that by now!
Needless to say, I demanded and got psych evals on her and him so that only supervised visitation would be allowed. Not surprisingly, the evaluator came to the same conclusions as I did. (He was denied visits entirely, she was allowed visits at the office of a social worker). Her family all thought I was a horrible human being to deny her and her son visits to his or her home. (huge group denial). She even suggested to my children, long before this all finally came to a head, that I must have been raised with abuse, since I put up with his, so then it was okay, since I was used to it.
(There was never any physical or verbal abuse in my family, though). Other times, there was outright denial that he ever did any such thing.
Ah, but that was a lifetime ago.
I ran away, he kept the house (my name was never on it, it was in he and mommys names), I stayed hidden (and scared) for over a decade. He paid a miniscule amount for child support since he wasn't working (still isn't) which came through DOR.
I went to court every year for a renewal of the 209A, he showed up every time to fight it. Finally, when my youngest was a teen, a judge ordered us to begin supervised visits with him in the presence of a state social worker. My lawyer knew her as the girlfriend of the leader of the local Father's Rights Group, so I prepared myself for what her findings would eventually be.
But by that time, my boys knew the score. I never spoke badly of him to them, (how can a parent do that to their kids?) but the boys were able to put 2+2 together. Things went fine and now they have an okay relationship with him, and he and I are able to have friendly conversations and sat through many a high school sporting event side by side. His mother is still crazy and he's still a lowlife, but I learned that he has no power over me and that has made all the difference. I am fortunate that we never married and that I didn't have to worry about the house, although I paid half of everything and legally could have made a claim to part of it, but I was much too busy trying to stay alive and hidden to worry about that. I lost a lot, but I gained a lot more.
I certainly hope that your husband isn't planning on coming over for Easter. With a restraining order, he shouldn't, and you shouldn't allow it.
You have a long and scary road ahead, but you will come out so much better than you were before!
Hang in there.

One more thing:
"Has anyone else lived through problems like this? I don't even have a job! I am horrified. I don't know how I am going to pay these bills. I am so emotionally screwed up, I don't know how on earth I can even get, much less hold a job. What should I do? How do you emotionally make it through times like this? I thought life was horrible before and couldn't get any worse. I was wrong. It did get worse. What can I do to get through this?"

I didn't have a job either, or any marketable skills, and I had three traumatized boys to care for. I went on welfare temporarily. I had been a stay-at-home mother (he wouldn't allow me to work) and I felt that at that time, we needed to be together as much as posssible, to learn how to be a family. I moved to a shelter, and they helped me apply. (I could never have stayed in the area and risked his finding us). I also contacted my state reps for advice, and just so they'd know my family. It was one of the best things I ever did. Welfare saved my life and allowed me to keep my family together.
But that's what it's there for. Sometimes families need help. We all also went for counseling (for years, actually). I requested male counselors for the boys because I wanted them to have good male role models. My focus was always on getting them through childhood without their inheriting any of their father's negativity and hate. I did it (my boys are fabulous young men) but I could not have done it without help from the state. I do not feel ashamed, but I do feel grateful.
Within a year I was working and going to college. It was hard, and I may never get my student loans paid off, but it was so worth it. I am a very different person than the woman he knew, and I could never go back to any guy like that!
Find out if there's any help for you through the state, to help you over the hump.
That's what its for, really.

Wildflower--

You are in the middle of a monumental mess, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

You don't say how long your soon-to-be-ex-husband will be in jail. Take advantage of whatever time you have to collect his belongings. Call your local police station and ask if an officer can come supervise the situation when your husband--or his mother--gets them out of your life.

Then write off your husband-- his mother. You are going to be busy enough without them. If you are haunted by memories, get counseling so that the creep is out of your thoughts as well as out of your life.

Your kids have also been in hell. If counseling would help them, see that they get counseling.

Take a good look at your financial situation. If you have not filed for Child Support (and your husband is out of jail) file immediately. You may not get money right away, but most states count back support from the date of filing.

Start job hunting. If you are too demoralized to think "career", just think "job". Not only will you be earning money, you'll be spending some time every working day with mature and restful adults.

Call in all the favors for getting the house in marketable shape. Keep careful records of all the money you spend on the place. Given community property laws, your husband is entitled to half the value of the house--minus the money you've invested.

Be sure to take before and after pictures. If you can get copies of his eyesore citations, do so.

As I said, you're starting with a monumental mess--but without the bully you'll be able to clean it up.

Good luck.

wow


wow


I'm speechless, good thing the others here weren't.

Whoo, wildflower.........you and I could go bowling.

In other words, I've been down that lane.

I came from a very religious background, consequently I was very naive to the ways of the world. I didn't grow up in an abusive family, but I did get spanked, fairly regularly, which only made me angry and more defiant. My first sexual encounter was rape. He was a musician, so was I, and I felt so betrayed. I gave up music. Changed my life again, went back to night school and improved my grade average to the point where I was accepted to a prestigious journalism school.
Then I met my X. He was clean cut, wore a suit, had impecable manners and a wild side that I could appreciate. I got pregnant real fast.......and there went school.
I could go on and on about his mother, the witch, but somehow I think you and I already relate on so much ground, it's fairly needless.
When I met him he lived in his mothers basement, recovering he said from a bad break-up. So I furnished our apartment. He told me he had debts but I had no idea how much he owed. I worked, paid bills, and began contributing to paying off all his debts, which I only found out about, one at a time. Even on maternity benefits, I scrimped and saved to pay off all the debts.(he later tried to sue me to pay half the remaining debt, it was thrown out of court.) Having forgone my education, I went to work as a waitress, and worked my tail off in restaurants. Then preggers again.
The bills kept mounting, he made fairly decent coin but still I budgeted. He had his beer, his pot, his coke, his hockey collection blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile he bought me a pinto, for me to drive the kids around in!
After the second child, I went back to the saltmines, but this time in a bar. I made tons of cash, I even started an education fund for the kids. But now I was a slut, a whore. If I wore make-up or painted my nails it was because I was going to pick some one up right??? He had always been sarcastic, but he got meaner - frequently belittling me in public. As the years went on, I became dumber, uglier, fatter, lazier..... He got progressively more and more physical til...
My best friend decided to leave her husband. He cheated, gambled and aside from his growing drug use, he never came home. So on the appointed evening of the move, the kids and I returned home really late. They were young, not school age and had a fairly late sleeping arrangement already. I worked late at night. So it wasn't unusual for us to be up at 1:00 am or beyond.

As they say, **** hit the fan. What furniture he didn't destroy he used to hit me. I was a mess. But I moved out the next day, took a few personal possessions and left. I moved in with my parents for a few months and have never looked back. I continued to waitress for a couple of years. People looked down on me because I was 'not in a respectable line of work' but it paid the bills. I bought a house that needed a ton of work. I have a tiny mortgage which is almost paid off. (I get $100 per kid, a month in child support, he makes over $60,000 a year - I didn't even want to accept that, to me it was blood money, and because I rarely see the money anyway, I don't feel as if I lowered my standards.)
It took me years to gain any confidence. I was celibate for 3 years and I went to therapy to figure out the mess I made of my life. I'm in a really happy place right now. It took a long time but its worth it. I'm now surrounded by people who love and respect me, actually it goes both ways. But I think that's the key to living a healthy, happy life.
Wildflower, I have no idea what compels one human to hit another, but for what it's worth, I don't think most men are like that. It took me along time to realize that too.
Good luck and PM if you ever want to unload.
Ceili

The golden rule is..... you start your healing by learning to love yourself again. You take lifes "eraser" and start eliminating all the lies from your mind that he ever told you. And there were plenty. You look at your children and see in their eyes, everything that you have to fight for. Let them be part of your strength.

Ideally, for the sake of your future.....you allow yourself to grieve as you face not only your feelings of loss, but the overwelming uncertainty of "what do I do now?" Many women avoid this and retreat from their pain into various defensive positions that can end up being self-destructive. Such as anger, rage, and prolonged grievance......and yes, even substance addiction.

You need to talk about your feelings and your hurt....such as you have done on here. But also, with people that have been through what you have been through. Call your local womens shelter. They can give you many resources for help. Including but certainly not limited to financial resources. They can help put you in contact with the different organizations in your state for financial aid. They can link you with an advocate.....who will be someone you can talk to ....when you don't know where to turn. An advocate can even accompany you to court. Most advocates have been in situations such as you. They can provide that certain "touch" that you are going to need.

Many states have transitional program services geared towards women of domestic violence. And they can do wonderful things.

Make sure you enforce the order of protection. Don't let him break it without calling your local authorities. Even if he seems "harmless" when he breaks it. In his mind he will be thinking of ways to get back on your good graces so he can get back in your house and get you to go before the judge and ask for the order to be dropped. Do not fall for that. When your order of protection expires and if you still feel threatened by him.....you will need the documentation of any breaking of the order by him. It will all go in your favor if you ask to have it extended. Judges are very reluctant to extend an order that has not been broken by the offender. ALSO....keep a copy of the order with you at all times. Leave a copy at your place of employment, also.

Wildflower.....you are now at the point of a new phase of your life. A new beginning. I'm sure you feel depleted and empty inside....from all the years of endeavouring to provide him with the energy he has needed and stolen from you, in order to function in his everyday life. The goal for you now, is to have a healthy love for yourself. To reclaim your life back. To regain your passion for living.

You will need to go through a process of deciding what you believe about almost everything. Because now, you have your "own mind" again.
You will no longer be having him trying to think for you.

Different people survive in different ways. But the main thing is.....you begin the process of survival. And you are on that journey now.

If you don't mind....I'd like to keep in touch with you, just to see how you are doing and if there is anything I can do for you.

YOU ARE "SPECIAL" WILDFLOWER!! Soon you will be strong enough to go show the world......just how special you truely are.

((((((WILDFLOWER63)))))))

~Brooke

Thank all of you so much for your support and sharing horror stories. I feel so alone and isolated. I know thousands of women probably go through the same thing. Emotions do strange things to your head. Why didn't I see this coming? I didn't.

Common sense says I should have. I never really did, even though we split up twice over his aggressive behavior and domineering personality. After 17 years, I only separated from him, but not with any legal terms at all. I didn't want a divorce. I always had the small hold out of hope to live as a family.

Has anyone else been this stupid? I am so confused right now. I can't say that I have been in love with him for many years. I have been too busy resenting him. It has been such a long time. I have good memories, too few and far between. I think about those few times and feel something like mourning a death. Logic tells me this marriage died a long time ago, but we never officially buried it. I feel guilt and don't know why or what I even feel guilty about. Are these normal emotions or have I gone off the deep end?

Why can't I ever get rid of this stupid notion of wanting a family? I have resented and even hated him for so many years for placing his drinking buddies way ahead of us. I feel some need to understand what happened and why, which is probably pointless. I don't understand my own emotional bombardment. I feel a need for understanding something I don't, a lousy marriage and why he was never there. He tells me one thing, but acts total opposite. I want the truth. Will I ever get it or do I already know it, just don't want to believe it?

Lots of people stay 'married for the sake of the children' without killing each other. I strongly felt these kids needed parents. I didn't feel I needed his permission, given the circumstance. Neither of us need this size of a house alone. We bought it off his mother in rehab condition because of our kids thinking putting them in a better neighborhood would give them a better life. I didn't want the house alone and never did.

I hate this snobby neighborhood. I hate the heating bill, the high taxes, our pathetic city government and police department who aren't much different than Nazis. I hate the money pit of repairs. I don't want this house. He does, but wont bother to take care of it.

I am guessing he wants it because of sentimental attachment. He grew up here. That doesn't even make sense given how he neglected it to the point of thousands of dollars in repairs when he only had to replace a bad shower faucet and had to be brought to court because of the outside condition multiple times.

I honestly feel he would be much happier in an apartment than with the load of responsibility of this house. He has always refused to sell. All I want is to have this house long enough to get these teen kids raised. I have waged a war taking the house from him and will be alone fighting for an object I only wish use of so these kids don't have to be moved around again and to improve the property value before an asset split. Some people love status and refuse to step down. He may be one of those, which I don't understand that thought.

From information I gather, domestic violence, at least in KY, is being taken very seriously today. From what I understand, once any type of physical abuse starts, it never ends and gets progressively worse. Police keep coming back breaking up couples who obviously don't belong under the same roof with escalating violence as time goes by.

This is not man bashing at all. Women are just as bad, but you never hear them complain. They are the types that don't believe in striking a woman, since they can easily restrain one, after physical injury to them with a frying pan as a weapon or destroying things in the home out of anger, which is also illegal. Women are just as bad as men, but physically weaker. Men are more guilty of this crime of violence, but not by a huge margin.

It is no longer a choice whether or not to press charges against a spouse or partner when police find evidence of assault. This applies to men and women. It is usually thought to be a crime against women, but it isn't. Women injure men also. Once you file a restraining order, it is good for two weeks. You have to show up in court. A judge evaluates your reasoning for request and makes a court order.

I wrote a one liner in my request, thinking my husband would come home furious with me for being arrested. None of us had any idea that he would actually be sent to jail. I said, "...struck repeatedly with fists causing injury..." I still had a black eye when I had to show up for court. I was so nervous, I didn't understand what the judge ordered. My husband was brought from the jail in a bright orange jumpsuit, hands and feet chained. If looks could kill, I would be dead on the spot. I think that is mostly out of pride and a serious ego problem on his part, not necessarily anger towards me, but he thinks I caused all this and don't feel he thinks he is responsible for his own choices.

I found it very annoying that I had to show up in court for a request for a two week restraining order for a guy in jail. What I didn't know, is the judge makes decisions for you, which is a good reason to behave yourself. I finally got it in the mail and was shocked. The restraining order last until the year 2007, if you can believe that. My husband is ordered to vacate the property. He has to say 500 ft. away from me at all times. No contact, which means even a phone call out of either of us, which I objected to. He can't hurt me over the phone!! I can hang up on him no matter what he spouts off about.

The judge pretty much forces couples to split up in a case like mine. I would like to have some say in this matter, but don't. The judge does. I think 2007 is ridiculous in length. I do want phone contact with my husband. I do know how to hang up a phone without need to bring it to a courtroom, but apparently too many adults have abused the courts to settle personal problems. We do have two minor kids and will need to talk. Since he is the one who chose a criminal act, I do want him vacated from this property. I do not want him to be able to walk in at any time. I want to feel reasonably safe is all.

I don't wish to pay an attorney to speak for me, when I can easily do that myself, over the phone, where he can get as angry as he wishes without me being in punching distance. I do know how to hang up a phone. I do not want courts or lawyers making decisions for me.

I know for fact that I can get my husband more reasonable than an attorney can. His mother's influence isn't going to be good, especially since I made an enemy out of her telling her exactly why I didn't want her in our home acting on her son's behalf using manipulation, which she is famous for thinking we are too dumb to notice.

She has to stop walking in our home and taking as she sees fit and stop acting demanding, as if we owe her something when we don't. She is MENSA, which is full of idiots that memorize the dictionary and encyclopedia foolishly thinking regurgitating fact is intelligence. Like that is difficult, simple memorization! She is very arrogant of intelligence thinking us idiots are too stupid to notice manipulation.

She and her son would love to put me in my place, thinking I am a complete idiot. He uses his fist. She uses superiority and manipulation. I have had enough. I don't want to deal with either of them on an unfair type of field. I want her out of our marriage.

I don't understand how any woman can justify what her son did. I am a mother of two children also, just as she is. I don't take it personally if either of my kids act outside of what I taught them. Teens are famous for acting stupid, which you taught better. I get furious with them instead. My kids will hear my thoughts, like it or not, over ill behavior.

Her kids are adults that act irresponsible, which she enables. I told her to look up that word. I told her several times her son was headed to prison. He was drinking and driving. He already has several convictions. I'm such a bitch not wanting him touching my car, she gives him one and paid for a year's insurance on it. Yep, I hit her with that and told her she was MENSA, not me. Look up the word enablement. I know what it means. She doesn't.

Maybe I said way too much, down to telling her we did our homework and knew fair market value for the house she sold us. We paid just that and she has no rights to our property. I did it to back her off and stop fighting her son's battles, which are currently going to be against me. I don't want her walking in my home, without bothering to even knock making demands, thinking we owe her something we don't. She wants to keep enabling her son, she can visit him in the pen. He will get there eventually if he keeps it up.

Should I have shut up? I'm not sure if I went too far with her, knowing that I will have to fight her and her son alone. I was furious at the way my daughter and I were treated when she walked in, without bothering to even knock, as usual, making demands, then having the nerve to chew out my daughter. It was me she really wanted to chew having to put up with her son.

Just what I needed, another enemy to deal with, especially since I know for fact she will do nothing but enable his behavior. Maybe this one with my mother in-law was unavoidable. I don't know.

One thing I do know is the fact I have been treated badly for a long time now. You see it coming and are no longer surprised by it. I see the first sign of another screw over and shove back, maybe a bit too hard. People in my life have pushed me entirely too hard and too hard leaving me with pain and betrayal. Maybe I am being too negative, or am I?

I strongly believe there isn't a person on this earth, including myself, that is clearly good or bad, just a combination of both. One usually dominates the other. I believe my mother in-law wishes to be a good person, but has blinders on when it comes to her kids that I don't have when it comes to my own. I don't understand or accept this, especially when she uses manipulation to continue enabling her criminal son.

I know, it's all a matter of perception and people do have it worse than me, but I am suffering badly. Stress and depression takes a big toll. I have gained about 30 pounds since living here. The weight problem bothers me a lot, but the problem of survival bothers me a lot more. Welfare wasn't an option. I am married and have too many assets to qualify for anything. No matter how horrible the condition of the house was, I had nowhere left to go.

This place was completely disgusting! It was filthy and in complete disrepair from neglect. My husband had no problem at all with us moving back in. I guess he needed maid service and a prostitute. He avoided us all like the plague. I told him we needed help getting this place livable and asked why he was never home to help out. He was always available to help his friends with anything, not needs of his own home or family, which I resent. I got the 'adjustment' line repeatedly. Like we didn't have to adjust to living like barnyard animals!!

Life here started out horrible. He set such a bad tone, which we all ended up following. No one cared anymore. I put a lot of work rehabbing this house to come back and see all efforts destroyed along with complete filth I had to clean up or live with it. I gave up on myself, which is the worst thing you can ever do.

Stress really will kill you. I feel dead inside. I am so confused. If everyone you trusted betrayed you, one by one, you might be just as depressed as I am, not wanting to live and hating the second you wake up because reality really is that bad.

My husband does know the difference between right and wrong. He doesn't want to hear it, which is why he blew a gasket on me when I confronted him about his ill parenting and poor example.

He knows, but wants to live a combo lifestyle, the freedom of a single person with advantages of marriage. That isn't too fine by me, since he will not allow me the same freedom. He does make it a problem to the entire family with legal ramifications and disruptive behavior. I make my objections loud and clear, only when he puts us at legal risk, causes problems raising the kids, or uses force to put me in my place. This is when he tries to bully me to put me in my place.

I don't bother with marital issues at all, no matter what time or even the next day he decides to waltz in just to have a roof over our heads and food on the table. Believe me, he doesn't make big money, just enough to survive. I spend my days in deep depression staring at the walls and trying to keep these awful teens in line, not playing tennis at the country club.

The kids saw for themselves exactly how their own father behaves. Both kids strongly disapprove. They are both too old to buy my excuses only because I did not want a child of mine to feel unloved or uncared for because their father didn't want to be bothered. Living with their father told a truth I never did to them.

My daughter is stronger. She ignores his existence as he did hers. She really feels nothing towards him but contempt. My son is a different story. He can't give up on him. I guess he is a bit like me, loyal as your dog, constantly wanting love and attention. Neither of us are going to get it. My daughter couldn't care less. My son has serious approval problems, but hangs in there with the same hope for some change I always had.

My kids are both fine and thrilled he is not in their lives causing disturbances or feeling they have to call the police not knowing how he may act. My husband let my son have it calling the police on him fearing that he was harming me. I have tried very hard to teach my kids right from wrong. Both know wrong when they see it.

I am the one who isn't fine at all, far from it. The kids are very relieved he is gone. They also think money must grow on trees and don't get the bills I am responsible for. Their lives are better without their father, but mine is horrifying to me.

I am migraine prone. Not a single day has gone by that my head doesn't hurt. I have a very nervous stomach also. Everything I eat doesn't want to stay down. I am physically ill with stress overload. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel at all. I am frozen with fear.

If doing the dishes feels like a monumental task, how am I ever going to get a job? I am a licensed RN, which does pay well, but extremely stressful. I can't do that work today, under these conditions. I am thinking about being a waitress instead, just to get a few bucks in this house before the house goes into foreclosure and our electric and phone are turned off because I can't pay for it. Teens don't get this sort of problem of survival, but I do all too well.

I feel fear to the point of physical illness every day since this happened. I told him so many times that I would take this house and he would pay for it, if he dared to lay a hand on me in harm. Now, I have to make a decision. Never mind that! A judge already made a decision for me. I have no income and completely unable to function on a very low level due to stress and depression. How on earth am I going to pay these bills?

Physically I feel like I am dying. Emotionally, I feel like I have been dead for a long time. Unfortunately for me, nature didn't take me and I still have a pulse. Every time I wake, that is, if I can actually sleep without my heart racing with worry, tossing and turning, finally falling asleep out of exhaustion. My worst nightmare in sleep doesn't compare to the nightmare of real life. I don't want to wake up.

How do you deal with the emotional aspects? How can I force myself to function when I am so depressed and nervous I can't sleep and think doing the dishes is an overwhelming task? I have to fix many things here, meaning the difference in a paid for small house for me or letting this place go for a fraction of value? He is entitled to half of today's value. I am entitled to value of everything I repair. How am I ever going to do this? Where do you find the strength? I am so confused!!

Wildflower--

Just worry about getting through today. Pick a small project--perhaps getting rid of every single bit of The Bully's clutter-on-the-surface....then do it.

More later.

First, call a locksmith and have your locks changed so your MIL can no longer walk in.

Second, get Call Blocker (if you don't already have it) and block her calls. You need to get this woman out of your life.

Third, contact your family doctor as soon as possible. Tell him about the abuse if he doesn't already know. In addition to making sure your husband didn't inflict any permanent damage, he can prescribe antidepressants which will temporarily help you deal with the stress & inertia.

Fourth, contact a women's shelter and ask for counseling. For yourself AND your kids. A shelter will be all too familiar with your situation. They will help you deal with many of the issues you are facing.

Hang in there, Wildflower. It can only get better from here. I am very happy to hear that the jerk is behind bars and you have a protective order that will last for three years. They do that in order to prevent him from harassing you. It will give you the space you need to get your life in order without him.

The computer just ate my post, but Eva has offered the same advice much more cogently.

On the Mensa Mamma. You do realize that if she barges into your house without your permission and refuses to leave that you can call the police and have her arrested for defiant tresspassing? The law is on your side.

You seem to have some resentment that the judge has made it illegal for you to communicate directly with your husband.

First, the judge wants to keep you alive.

Second, consider that the first time you hang up the telephone on The Bully, The Bully may decide to come over to HIS House and give you the beating you are obviously asking for.

The Bully is not going to slug your attorney. Your attorney is neither going to be sweet-talked or intimidated into believing that The Bully's Bar Money is more important than The Bully's Child Support.

The law is going to protect you, whether you like it or not.

Finally, no one expect you to straighten out your life today or tomorrow. As a rule of thumb, recovery from a bad marriage takes at least two years. Just keep crawling forward--life will be easier down the road.

Hold your dominion.

What an absolute horror story. I'm not qualified to advise, but I feel this needs to be said.

Your husband is a monster. Be grateful to the judge and report even the tiniest of infractions on that restraining order. I once knew a girl who didn't, who is now dead by murder-suicide. Your life may be in danger. You didn't realize what he was capable of before and you may very well be unaware of what he is capable of now. Take every precaution suggested to protect yourself and your children. Your marriage is over and you will eventually be very grateful it is.

When you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. You need a fresh start.

House: To hell with that house and all of the nightmares that it contains. Sell it, along with everything in it. It matters very little how much you get. Don't trade your sanity for money.

Mother-in-law: Change locks, telephone #s and of course, as soon as possible, your address. You don't need her in your life right now. Probably never will... but certainly not now.

Husband: Listen to the Judge. You don't need him in your life right now either. Probably never again... but certainly not now.

You indicated that you think you might be happier in an apartment somewhere. You can get there from here. I would recommend moving as far away as you can stand... at least a couple hours. The further away you go, the more the road provides a cooling off period; the further a drunken monster in a homicidal rage will have to travel without coming to his senses. Consider an apartment with a manned security gate so you know that you are safe and sound when at home.

Plan for contingencies: Know where the nearest police station is that you can drive to if your are followed... and make other plans: If this happens, I'm going to do this. Make it damn near impossible to get caught by surprise, or be unprepared for anything.

Picture yourself in a new life, with a decent job, an apartment and a manageable set of bills... And most importantly; freedom from the monster and freedom to start enjoying life again. It isn't that far away. List off the things that need to be done to get there and check them off as you accomplish them.

Since you were strong enough to put up with decades of neglect: You are strong enough to eradicate it's cause and all remnants of it. By simplifying your goals, you will reach them faster. Peace will be your reward.

I'm only covering the physical stuff... please follow the ladies' advice for the emotional impacts. I'm hopelessly ignorant in that area.

Best wishes to you ((((((((((((((Wildflower63)))))))))))))

Some wonderful advice here for you, Wildflower. I hope you don't just read it......but ABSORB it.

And Bill.....I think you are very qualified to give advice on this matter. You have just proven that. Even though you have never been through such a thing as she has......you have given her some pretty great advice there.

Wildflower......Your emotions right now are clouding your thinking.



Please listen to what Noddy24 just said.

Your husband has just lost some of his power over you. His control. You can bet your bottom dollar he isn't too happy about that

Case in point........and this just happened today
There was this girl....much like you. She wasn't happy with the way her husband treated her....but she felt she needed him to support the family. She never thought it would get any worse than it already was. He abused her repeatedly. She became somewhat immune to it.
To make a long story short....the police became involved. He was arrested....but not because she wanted him to be. He spent this past week-end in jail. This morning.....he went before the judge. The judge gave him 6 months....then suspended it. This guy had over 40 instances of being in trouble with the law for various things. He has shown over and over again that he has no respect for the law...PERIOD. Why, in God's name did the judge slap his wrist???????? I have no idea.....but I am so friggen angry right now She was a nice girl. So I sit here and question myself...and wonder if I could have done more. Reliving our conversations in my head. And I just don't know.....I just don't know
He went to her house and killed her. Was just re-arrested a few hours ago. This time for murder.

For the love of your children....even if you don't love yourself too much right now......KEEP HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. PLEASE

~Brooke

Hi Wildflower,
There are a few things in some of your posts that I wanted to speak to you about, because you are tending to put everyone else's needs and feelings before your own, for one thing. It is a mistake that keeps women in "our" predicament in that predicament.
First, you mentioned: "I'm wondering how they are going to explain Easter to father in-law. My husband will be out of jail shortly, but not in time to make his usual family man appearance he does ever holiday. We all keep things from him upsetting. He is an old WWII vet with medical problems."
You know what? Not your problem! Too bad for him, but you and your kids come first. You cannot heal yourself if you continue to worry about everybody else. One thing I learned (after my one return trip back) is how to be very crafty. To act one way (loving trusting, forgiving) while secretly making plans to get the hell away. I actually felt mean and deceitful, but I got over it. Sometimes in life, you have to do things that don't come naturally to you. To save your own life, you need to think "outside the box" as they say. Your father-in-law is not your worry, and in a family like that, there's a good chance that he may not deserve your compassion anyway. I loved one of my sisters-in-law (as I thought of her) and I even loved my boyfriend, and continued to for about 2 years after finally leaving him. You do what you gotta do. I even felt bad for HIM, because even though he could have been a better father, he really loved his kids, and I knew that if I left, for our safety, it would have to be forever, and so he would never see his kids again. (And how could I be so cruel as to do that to him?) Still I left. And here I am, still alive! Mission accomplished. I felt so bad for him that I left the puppy, so he would have company. You need to put yourself and your kids first. Your husband does not deserve a lot of thought and not a second's loyalty.
You cannot improve your life if you are going to worry about him, or keep in touch with him. You also said: "No contact, which means even a phone call out of either of us, which I objected to. He can't hurt me over the phone!! I can hang up on him no matter what he spouts off about.
The judge pretty much forces couples to split up in a case like mine. I would like to have some say in this matter, but don't."
OccomBill is right: "Your marriage is over". And you know what, Wildflower? That's a GOOD thing! You are so much better off without him. The way you are thinking right now is self-defeating. You can get by without him, and he will not change. At least not for long. I know we all secretly think "well, my man is different". Trust me, he's not! He has a huge problem and you can't fix it for him, and it will always be part of who he is.
The judge has given you a wonderful opportunity, and it is up to you to take it. File for divorce.
Then you said: "We do have two minor kids and will need to talk."
No you won't! You make the decisions now. Just because he is their father does not mean he has equal say in their lives. A good father does not abuse his children's mother. Your kids already know the score on him. Face up to it yourself. He is not a fit father!
Then you said "I guess he is a bit like me, loyal as your dog, constantly wanting love and attention."
Yes, maybe he is. Too bad. You gave him attention and look how he repaid you! Is his attention the kind of attention you want? I don't think so. You deserve better. Believe it!
Then you said: "Neither of us are going to get it."
Also not true. You'll meet lots of great men, the world is full of them. Just refuse to ever take from a man the crap that you've taken up to now. There are plenty who wouldn't dream of behaving as badly as your husband. But first, take care of yourself. as Eva said: "contact a women's shelter and ask for counseling." Your husband is not worth your effort, but you do need to work on you.
And I agree, put the house on the market and move far away. Your kids will be fine with it. You all could use a fresh start anyway.
Most importantly, and I repeat myself here, stop thinking you somehow need him in your life, or that your kids do. You don't.
If I had stayed at our house, my kids would have grown up calling me a whore and worse, and would be beating up on their girlfriends and my (future) grandchildren. I am positive about that. I did not leave for me, though, I didn't think I was worth fighting for. (huge family, no self-esteem, father issues!) I left for my kids futures, and I gotta tell you, it was enough. I got to me later. And if you could see the fine young men whom my boys have become, you'd be quite impressed at what a single mother with nothing can accomplish!
You have assets, it's a start. See a lawyer, pay him off with a portion of the proceeds from the house, and move on. and quit worrying about your husband. He aint worried about you, I'll bet. He's just worried about him. As always.
I wonder if you remember a TV commercial from the 80s. In it, a large black woman talked about her abuse, and how she moved on. She said "Nobody's ever going to hit this child's mother again". That did it for me! I hope you can find yourself a mantra and stick by it. There will be tough times, but you'll survive.
And finally: "Why can't I ever get rid of this stupid notion of wanting a family?"
You have a family, Wildflower. You have kids who need you to do the right thing by them and for yourself. Your kids know what that is. You do too. Few of us get the family of our dreams. Some of us chose quite unwisely. Should we allow that to ruin our children's lives? Of course not! It is up to you to make your life and theirs the best they can be. Involvement from your husband will not help in that goal.
Please do see that therapist, and please try to put your marriage behind you. It doesn't sound worth fighting or dying for in the first place.

Brooke - I'm so sorry!

I want to say "I'm sorry" to everyone on this thread who has experienced such abuse. There are some VERY STRONG WOMEN here on A2K, and I have been so impressed with what you've written. I'm proud to know you all.

Listen to them, Wildflower. They speak from the heart as well as from experience.

Brooke, sweetheart, please don't continue agonize over what happened to that girl. I know you did the best for her that you could. Chances are, you helped her get through her last days. Damn that judge for not protecting her. You gotta wonder what kind of guilt he'll feel when he finds out what happened. Perhaps it will make him take future cases more seriously. (Sigh) Well, we can only hope.