How do you survive divorce with Domestic Voilence?

mmmmm

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You still have my best wishes, but I really wish you'd sell and get the hell outta there. Just give it a thorough cleaning. Property values are up. You'll make some cash... Certainly enough to move and get that jerk out of your life permanently. Let go.
It's dangerous there. Life is waiting for you.
Best Wishes, Bill
(((((((((Wildflower)))))))))

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I think your plan is very risky, Wildflower, for a number of reasons.

First, how do you expect to make improvements to the property and then put it up for sale without your in-laws finding out about the work you've had done? I would think the change would be obvious to anyone driving by. I know it will be obvious the first time you run an ad.

Second, how can you be sure you'll be able to sell the house for enough to recoup your investment in remodeling? That is always a big risk...in ANY neighborhood. Sometimes even the best houses don't sell. You could be stuck there for a lot longer than you expect.

Third, remodeling a house is full of pitfalls. I know...I've owned two older houses. There's no telling what you'll uncover during the remodeling. Or what kind of experiences you'll have with contractors. Or what else will break/fall apart before the work is completed. If the house requires a lot of work, it is entirely possible that you will never get your money back. Most people don't!

Fourth, other events may occur in your life or the lives of your children before the remodeling is complete, and you may have to divert funds to cover those. You could be stuck there permanently.

There are other risks as well. I'm with Bill. I'd give it some cosmetic work, plant a few flowers, and take what I could get for it. And get the hell outta Dodge.

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Wildflower63 wrote:

I have called the number the police gave me for battered women or something like that. They can't help me. Only people with little to no assets can be helped.

Oh Wildflower..... A shelter will and does help all women. Domestic Violence is not prejudicial. It strikes ...young, old....rich, poor.....black, white. It doesn't matter. The kind of help will vary from woman to woman. But there is something for everyone that needs it. Even if it's simply pointing you in the proper directions and placing you with an advocate that can help to make sure all of your needs are being taken care of through the proper channels. Are you sure you called a domestic violence shelter?

And legal aid should be able to help you. They do divorces all the time. Or legal seperations. They are used to it. They also handle child support cases. And as far as I know......your home and one vehicle is not counted in your assets. You can call The Legal Aid Society at 1-800-292-1862. They are out of Louisville, Kentucky. They can either help you themselves or direct you to a different toll free number in your area.

I don't know where you live....but you can call Safe Harbor at 1-800-926-2150 for help with Domestic Violence.
Or you can call the national hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)

Wildflower......I understand what you are saying about wanting to get the resell value of your home up before you part with it. But there are times in life when you have to set aside "monetary" thinking and think of "survival of the flesh". For without your life......what good is the monetary. And what would your children do without you, if your husband so chooses to snuff the life out of you?

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Eva wrote:

I think your plan is very risky, Wildflower, for a number of reasons.

It isn't a risk to me at all. That's exactly why I privately paid an attorney to make it happen for me. Legal Aid wont screw with anything but simplicity. A judge already ordered he vacate the property. There is a restraining order until 2007 that he cannot be within 500 ft. or me or this house. He cannot make me move. The house can't sell without my signature. Everything is negotiable, down to having him sign over his share of the property in exchange for no child support.

I have every legal right to use this property. He has no legal right to even step foot in it. Even if he tries to push for immediate settlement, he can't get it. I can legally live in this house and settle with my husband when my youngest turns 18.

I'm in fury mode right now. I went through the bills that he said were all paid up to date. They weren't. The car insurance was lapsed over a month. The phone and water both had shut off notices. I think that I have a clue where the money went. He doesn't want to hear it out of me for not paying the bills on time, so he lied.

I have a lot of help with this project. There are people willing to physically help me. I know people who buy and renovate rundown property. I can find out where to buy things I need at the best prices. I have a friend that is willing to do my plumbing in exchange that I do the dry wall finishing in his house. There is a group of teen boys hanging around constantly I can keep busy.

It is going to be a lot of work. If I don't put this house in reasonable condition, it will sell for nothing. The damage is too extensive. I'm tired of him treating us bad. I'm not walking away with nothing. The law is on my side with this one. I made sure of that. I also have friends on my side willing to help me.

When I start working full time, I can fully support this household without child support. He does owe it to me, whether or not he pays. He can visit jail again if he doesn't feel like helping us. That's just more money I can invest in the house. I will have some money left over just through working. I have investments I can deplete or use some debt. We have no other debt, except the mortgage on the house, which puts me in a good financial position. I have a serious cash flow problem due to the sudden nature of this split up. It shouldn't take me too long to get a job. For now, the bills are paid and we have food.

The reason I don't want my husband or his family to know is the legal cost if they try to fight over the house, which cannot be won on his part, just cost me more money paying the lawyer. It turns into who can afford to spend more money on the lawyers very often. They won't fight me over use of the house. They might get a little hyper over renovation knowing there is no possible way he can afford to buy me out. Again, they can't win this battle, just cost us both unncessary money. I have already told my mother in-law that I don't want her here. My husband isn't allowed here. His sister lives in Atlanta. I'm not backing off or backing down.

I am going to live up to my words. I told him repeatedly if he continued violent behavior towards me, he would lose his family and the house. He just did. I hope it was worth it to him. I walk away with the cash, not him. I look for his next residence to be the state pen anyway. He has multiple DUIs and is out of jail, still drinking and driving. He will get caught sooner or later. I refuse to leave. He is the criminal. He should. The judge agrees with me on this one. I am tired of running from him and not going to again.

Believe it or not, I know exactly what I'm doing. I have the law on my side. I have had two old houses that were rehab projects. I know how to do a lot of things, but get stupid with plumbing and electric.

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"My daughter is 13. The second hormones hit, she went insane also." Smile

My mother used the same term about me!

Well, I think you're taking a risk, but I hope it all works out for you. He is out of jail, so what's to stop him from coming by some night when he's drunk, and hurting you and/or the kids? Plenty of women who thought a restraining order was enough protection are no longer with us today. Phones are very easily ripped from walls, as many of us know.
I wish you all the best.

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Wildflower63 wrote:

It isn't a risk to me at all.

Believe it or not, I know exactly what I'm doing. I have the law on my side.

Those two statements are what scares me the most.

But....good luck to you anyways, Wildflower.

And....God bless you

~Brooke

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Surviving
There are no easy answers or quick fixes for the situation you are in. hang tight to your resolve, determination, and sense of self. Answers will come as time moves on. No one can tell you how to do this, they are not you, nor are you them. Trust your heart, and your instincts. Live for today. Keep holding onto the trophy of understanding you deserve for being able to see life as so much more than a victim. The struggles you have endured thus far, and all you have yet to encounter should be viewed as small obsticals in the path of regaining your sense of self, your freedom and your self worth. Possessions are had, lost, and replaced. The important thing to focus on is having your life, not your "things". To lose a house, car, job, income, ect... is so much better than your life. Allow the Judical system to work with you, but never rely on it totally. If the abuser knows where you are, you are never truely safe. Window bars, locks, big dogs and security systems keep you somewhat safe, but you still remain a prisioner of fear and retaliation. Every domestic violence case is different, and individual. survior and be a survivor. Good luck and God Bless.

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Yep. Good luck.

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Re: Surviving

Underthewireja wrote:

The struggles you have endured thus far, and all you have yet to encounter should be viewed as small obsticals in the path of regaining your sense of self, your freedom and your self worth. Possessions are had, lost, and replaced.

I know you guys probably think I sound crazy. I have already lost a lot. You come to a point that you just can't take any more. As stated above, I have lost my sense of self, freedom, self worth, self confidence, and a lot of money along the way. As overwhelming as it sounds, I used to adore ripping up a house. Today, I feel so defeated and lost, I'm lucky to get the dishes done.

I know the legal advise I got about improving the value of this house is sound. Of course, the financial aspect of it is pretty important to me. Another thing I will gain by a rehab project, such as this, is rediscovering something I used to love doing. I need to feel some sense of accomplishment. It will help me build my sense of self, self worth, and self confidence when I see that I actually can do things I easily used to.

I had to learn about enablement the hard way. I was an enabler, but no more. My husband is an addict. There is a world of difference between helping someone help themselves and enabling an existing problem. I thought I was helping him help himself, but I realized, way too late, you cannot do this with an addict. They have too many problems they don't wish to solve, just want someone to use. That was me.

Sometimes you are too close to see things objectively, until one day you get knocked in the head and you are forced to see it for what it really is. I don't believe any one of us are either bad or good. We are a combination. With most of us, we are mostly good, but we are imperfect humans. We have to recognize and work on the bad in us to be better people. As we grow and mature, which means our entire lifetime, we learn and try not to repeat mistakes and hurt others. Addicts are not capable of this.

My husband wasn't always a bad person. I have known him since I was 16. He was a good person, years ago. One flaw I noticed early on, he is a control freak. Marriage, the stress of a family, and financial struggles gave him a feeling of lack of control. There was one thing he could control, me. Under stressful situations, which we all go through, he would get more controling and physically bully me in an argument.

I should have left then and divorced him. I'm sure that we all heard that once abuse starts, it only gets worse. I heard it too, but refused to believe it. I was an enabler. Enablers always want something in exchange. They are always pissed off when they don't get it. I enabled him to use physical force, threaten me, and continue his controling ways in exchange for a home for our children, the family I wanted, and to go back to school. I was always angry when he wouldn't live up to my trade off by acting like a father to his kids and not treating us like a family. I asked for something unreasonable out of him. He isn't capable of it. This sends a message that his voilent outburst were acceptable. I didn't leave. I didn't divorce him. I was afraid to have him arrested.

I also financially enabled him. I wanted health insurance, which we did agree on. I looked at the figures on child support and saw no way he could hand me this much money and still keep the house. He grew up here. I felt guilty. I had a good job and a nice, but inexpensive apartment. I only had to work two days a week and could be there the rest of the time. I would pick up hours when I wanted to. I had plenty of cash. I was also running from problems, not facing up to them. By not asking for child support, I enabled him to drink more and work less.

We aren't talking about the decent guy of years ago. A lot of time has passed. I couldn't see past what he was and what he is today. You can't give addicts a break ever. They all seek an enabler. They will lie, manipulate, and tell you anything you want to hear to keep you enabling them. Between his mother and me, we have created a real monster.

Hindsight is such a beauty. You can see everything you did wrong, but it's too late to fix it. I should have divorced him many years ago. No, I was too proud to go on Welfare and go to school. Pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, which is worth reading and understanding, religious or not, just good advice to live by. I should have stood up for myself years ago, but didn't for many reasons.

If I had left and divorced him years ago, we both probably would have had better lives. This is exactly why I am pounding his mother to stop enabling him. He will never have to solve serious problems of his own creation because others always let him get away with it. Today, he really is a horrible person. I knew it very shortly after moving in here. I did my last financial bail out and put my foot down on any agressive behavior out of him.

Addicts don't take to well to this, so he tried the same old tactics, scare the hell out of me. Each time, the police were called. He resented it. He never asked me to get a job. I told him my rent was paid and it is his turn to support these kids. He couldn't throw me out. I own half of this house. He couldn't do anything with me. I was so busy beating myself up for losing a good job and apartment. Depression set in. My self confidence was shattered. I refused to work not because of that. If I worked, that means he gets out of responsibility again. It would be right back to work less and drink more.

I wasn't going to let him off the hook this time. I was playing a dangerous game. I was tired of running from him. We needed this house a lot more than he did. I was willing to fight him for it. He could leave if he didn't like us there. This should have ended many years ago. I knew he had problems. I knew addicts are irratic and irresponsible. For emotional reasons, I couldn't see reality for what it was. I couldn't face just how ugly it can be. I couldn't let go of my want for a family that he couldn't ever be part of, by his own choice. I hung on to hope when I should have dropped it years ago. I wanted to belive in him until I couldn't. There is nothing left of the man I married to believe in, just another addict who is going to do anything to get me to enable him.

I made a lot of mistakes. I'm not excusing his behavior or taking responsibility for it. He is an adult with free will. If he can't act like a responsible adult, then he shouldn't have the privilige of one.

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I'll say this Wildflower: I'm detecting a much stronger sense of self-confidence in your last post and I like it. There will never be anyone you can depend on more.

That said, I don't want to say anything to discourage that feeling but would like to add my voice to those suggesting increased security. A quality security system is cheap, can include a key-chain panic button that will send out your call for help at the touch of a button (silently if you wish), and is one investment that will pay for itself when you sell the house. There is no downside.

I'd also suggest you pick up a roommate. A roommate will help you with the bills and... well, I don't know if there's any stats to back this conclusion up but; it seems to me that the jerk would be less likely to beat you to death in front of someone he didn't know.

Also, I don't recall if you said your husband is a gun owner. If he is; your plan stinks. There is no such thing as security against a gun-toting murder-suicide... save a gun of your own (or being someplace unknown).

I don't know you, your husband or any other specific facts to support my assertion that you are in danger. I only wish to encourage you to make your errors on the side of caution.

Again; I love the stronger sense of confidence I'm picking up and will continue to wish you the best of luck!
((((((((Wildflower)))))))))

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I agree with much of what Bill said...except the roommate. I don't think you'd be any safer that way. If your husband gets drunk and decides to come after you, there is no guarantee that having another person around would help. It would just put them in danger, too.

Also, regarding keeping a gun handy...many people own guns out of fear. However, statistics show that you are 11 times more likely to hurt a loved one or yourself or have the gun used against you than to actually use it in defense. You have children in the house. I wouldn't risk it.

Your increasing self-confidence is a great thing! Just don't let it give you a false sense of security. You are in a very dangerous position.

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suzy wrote:

He is out of jail, so what's to stop him from coming by some night when he's drunk, and hurting you and/or the kids? Plenty of women who thought a restraining order was enough protection are no longer with us today.

You sound like my dad! lol! He is very worried about the exact same thing. My parents never give handouts, as they see it. They are being supportive and trying to help me and their grandchildren. My dad wants to pay for all locks to be changed and thinks bars on the windows are in order over the same fear. My parents live only seven houses down the street.

My dad, being a card carrying NRA member, wants to know where the guns are. I have no clue. Ever since depression set in living here, my son got scared and hid them from me. My husband was removed from the house in handcuffs to jail. The guns are all here. He wants them strategically placed, as in his house, just in case. I don't even know how to use a gun! I'm a card carrying NRA member also. My dad paid my membership fee since we politically agree about the issues of the second amendment.

I fully understand the risk I am taking. Correct, a restraining order doesn't stop anyone from walking in with intent to harm. I strongly feel at times you do have to put yourself at risk to stand up for what is right. He is the criminal, not me. As a father, he should be just as concerned about his children as I am, but he isn't.

I know my husband pretty well and had to face what he really is today. He has always been reserved with hitting our children because of his father's treatment towards him. He did bark over our son calling the police on him because that is a direct threat of arrest, jail, and legal problem. He will use the rod, but very sparingly. He isn't after them. He is after me.

I believe there are times when you have to stand up for what is right, even if you place yourself at risk. He is the criminal, not me. He never bothered to participate in his own children's lives. He does have a responsibility towards them. He can, at the very least, let them have a home to live in.

I seriously doubt I will end up dead. I do feel the risk of him beating the hell out of me. He can rot in a cage, if that is what he chooses to do with his life. It is never right to run from a criminal in fear of what they might do. I stand my ground on this one. This is my owned property also. I need it. He doesn't. I refuse to run in fear and take a serious financial loss. I have done it too many times, which only gives him a feeling of power over me. I'm not running from him ever again.

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Wildflower63 wrote:

I seriously doubt I will end up dead. I do feel the risk of him beating the hell out of me. He can rot in a cage, if that is what he chooses to do with his life. It is never right to run from a criminal in fear of what they might do.

Wildflower.......I truely do hope everything works out for you exactly as you want. It is your life. Only you can make the decisions that need to be made. And I'm sure you have given everything a great deal of thought.

Most women that die at the hands of an abuser.....especially those that have endured the abuse for years....never thought they would be killed. The girl I watched being buried recently.....didn't think she would die by her husbands hands either.

And when I was lying on the floor bleeding and in so much pain I could not move, and seven months pregnant......I suddenly "knew" what it felt like to have death knocking at my door. But my abuser was not only taking my life....he was taking my child's life. I remember thinking to myself after he walked out the door......I have to get to the phone. I knew my child would have a chance if I could get help soon enough. And forever in my mind I will have embedded that feeling of helplessness as I tried in vain to scoot myself across the floor. It was like I would go to sleep for a little bit...then wake up....and try some more to get myself to a phone. In the end I lost total consciousness. I can't remember everything .....but I do remember "knowing" that it was too late. "Knowing" that as my childs mother....I wasn't strong enough to save her. That I failed her. In more ways than one. So I will live with that for the rest of my life. And nobody knows how much I loved her. And I will always love her. Her life was taken. Mine would have been had it not been for my parents paying me a visit and finding me. And to be honest with you......I would not have cared if I had died with her. Deep down.....life just isn't all that important to me anymore. But I will stand up and keep fighting for women like you as long as I do live.

I know I sometimes come off a little strong in domestic violence cases. And I hope I have not offended you anywhere in my posts.

But please......I KNOW that you know you are in danger. And I love your spirit of fighting for your rights and what you believe in. I love your strength. But please......don't be "too sure" that you will not die at his hands. Or that he would never hurt your children, just because he never has before. An abusers "mind" is very complex. What you think you might know about him......is not necessarily everything he has shown you up to now. Just make sure that you weigh the "benefits" and the possible "costs" of those benefits. I truely wish you the very best.

~Brooke

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(((((((Brooke)))))))

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Oh Brooke. Every time I think about what you went through, it makes me wish I were there so I could give you a big hug. Life isn't fair. But it is life. And with life, there is always hope. Don't give up. There is so much to live for. You'll see.

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I don't know if you're listening Wildflower; but the girl I knew who fell victim to murder-suicide had a restraining order too. My friend who knew her well said he didn't believe she'd ever suffered much domestic abuse. Her husband had always seemed like a decent enough fellow, just a bit too irresponsible. When she decided to separate; he got drunk and apparently just decided he couldn't deal with the loss. I spent 2 hours today reading archived horror stories looking to link it for you, but I guess its such a common story they didn't even bother to save it. That should tell you something. Don't underestimate the danger of a drunken rage. Please; err on the side of caution. The worst thing he could do to those children is hurt you. (((((((((Wildflower)))))))))))

Ps Brooke, you already know... but here you go anyway. (((((((((((Brooke)))))))))))

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justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

Wildflower63 wrote:
But please......I KNOW that you know you are in danger. And I love your spirit of fighting for your rights and what you believe in. I love your strength. But please......don't be "too sure" that you will not die at his hands. Or that he would never hurt your children, just because he never has before. An abusers "mind" is very complex. What you think you might know about him......is not necessarily everything he has shown you up to now. Just make sure that you weigh the "benefits" and the possible "costs" of those benefits. I truely wish you the very best.

~Brooke

I know that I am in danger. I am willing to risk it. It isn't completely about money. Not that this isn't an important factor to my future and my ability to educate my children. Child support stops at 18, but kids need to be educated beyond that to realistically support themselves as an adult. The non-custodial parent has no obligation at all, unless built into a divorce agreement, to split cost. My husband can't be bothered with his own children. He is a beer drinking pot smoker or, in plain English, an addict who only wants enablement to support his own lifestyle, to the detriment of his family.

This is a matter of doing what I feel is right. The mafia doesn't have a hit on me. This is just one abusive addict. I should never need a new identity and relocation to protect myself from one man. Animals like him belong in cages so they can't harm anyone. I am the one on his hit list, not the kids. Addicts look for an enabler. He is living for free with his mother, the other enabler. I'm sure she hates me for this one without me telling her exactly why I did not want her in my home and words of truth, which she doesn't want to hear and can't even believe, about her son.

He has a few reasons to break the restraining order. He blames me for everything. There was an agreement between myself and husband about our high school drop out son's transportation to and from work. My husband worked at the same place until he and his mother lied trying to save face, which cost him his job. His family even tried to keep the fact that he was fired from me when my son works at the same place.

It was with complete objection that his son work at the same place, but the kid craves his attention. Try telling him his father doesn't deserve his time! His father will only hurt him. That is why he worked so hard, which he never bothered with at school. I wrote the e-app. It looked like he was after the GMs position! They didn't even know they were calling his son for an interview. His father was pissed off at me over this, but quickly happy with all the pats on the back for raising his son well to be a good worker, which made me want to barf at the thought. Suddenly, he wasn't objecting to his son working there at all. It made him look good, the only minor employed there.

Addicts never blame themselves for their behavior, but quickly take credit for another's efforts, mine and our sons. Spare me any, "I was too drunk and didn't know what I was doing." bull. I think every adult has had a few too many at times. You know exactly what you are doing. You are just less inhibited to act on impulse than you would if sober, not meaning you wouldn't do the exact same thing sober.

Everything is my fault. It is my fault he was too drunk, two shifts in a row, leaving our son stranded downtown Cincnnati after hours of bus service. He made his apologies the first time. The kid had one day off. He left his stranded again. I am usually asleep by the time my son gets off work with no phone in my bedroom. Now, I only wish I could sleep at night. This is another responsibility dump. After the second shift in a row that he was too drunk to drive, I fired on him telling him to treat his children better. He knocked the hell out of me for having the nerve to criticize him.

I was too bold and too brave. I told him if he ever laid a hand on me that I would live here and he would get to pay for it. My son called the police several times because of his aggressive behavior towards me. He also got threatened. He finally told me of his father's threats. I threatened him with something worse, asset split. I told him he was wrong, not the kid. If he chooses to threaten him, he will have me, not a kid, to contend with. He did stop threatening our son claiming betrayal.

Although the police have been here several times, I wasn't taken seriously until he beat me bloody. This sends me a message of just how ignorant people are about domestic violience if the police will not take me seriously. Until women start making a strong stand, we will never be taken seriously.

Society is just beginning to understand the magnitude of domestic violence. When this first started, I had the option of whether or not to press charges against my husband. I was afraid to do this knowing what he may do and the financial starvation. I had two small children to care for. We were all dependent on his paycheck to have a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Brooke, your suffering was not in vain. It helped me, today, with changes in law. Finally, domestic violence is given some seriousness only because of women, like you, that either lost their lives, or could have. It is no longer my decision whether or not to press charges against my husband. By law of today, if police make a call and find evidence of a crime, the abuser is arrested and jailed.

One, singular, voice speaks more loudly than you might think. When this first started, I didn't have many rights. The law allowed fearful women to live with abusive men. I have women like you, Brooke, to thank for change in law and more awareness of society about domestic violence. My children are teens, so it wasn't that many years ago that abusers got away with criminal acts because law was not strict enough.

I feel that if I do run from him, that this will remain a hidden problem. The truth is, once physical abuse starts, it only gets worse. It wasn't all that long ago that people didn't know that and many still do not today. People need to hear the truth and act upon in as any civilized society should. Violent people should be kept in cages with the rest of the dangerous animals.

This is a war of a different sort. If you run and hide, the future of our children will be the same fate. If I make a stand, even at the risk of my own life, it forces society and law to change. Things are changing. People are only becoming aware of the seriousness of domestic violence when a woman stands up against it, even if the paycheck she is dependent on to feed her children is at risk. I have bills stacking up. I have a bit of help from my family who could buy my house, but don't believe in bail outs. I have help from my dad, his friend, and a few of mine to put this house in order for a reasonable market value.

I am far from fearless. I am horrified. I am an RN, which is a high responsibility job with no room for personal problems to distract you or a singular mistake of human error. I don't know if I can live up to this stressful job, but I am going to try. I got my agency job activated. I am going to pay a king's ransom for health insurance. I have to make enough money to cover bills and food for all of us. I can't count on one dime from my unemployed husband. I have no idea where I am going to find it in me to even live through one shift, but I am going to try. My children deserve to have a shot at life.

I would like to thank you, Brooke, for sharing your horrible experience. As bad as I feel today, it seems so minimal compared to what you went through. Please keep in mind that your words speak to so many women in abusive relationships. Knowledge is power. We both need to share our experience, without shame, to other women. No one should have to endure what either of us did out of fear because love for our children was turned on us to take our lives literally or psychologically speaking. I have to admit, I don't like talking to anyone about it. I find it embarrassing, but shouldn't. I am not the criminal. My husband is.

No matter how much I feel fear, I will not back down on this issue. It very well may cost me my life, but it is worth it if it give our children a better one through awareness of society never to accept violence of any sort in a civilized society. It will make the lives of our children much better by making a strong stand.

I will not run. I will not hide. This issue is much larger than me. This has to stop and will when women make a strong stand. I am willing to risk my life for it. How many women have died or been seriously injured at the hand of their husband? Way too many. When we run and hide, the problem isn't so obvious. When people see women, like Brooke, and her suffering, it becomes real to many.

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I really feel for whoever has experienced domestic violence. The hurt and pain, and most of all the feeling of being inadequate is horrible! The worst is when people say that it is easy to leave the person, but don't understand the psychological control the guy has on you. I mean, I used to feel that if I left this guy, nobody would love me because I am a bad person, and I deserve whatever is happening to me. I got so suicidal because of that. Well, here is my story.

I moved to another country with my husband after i got married. It was great in the beginning, till we started fighting. It just got worse and lead to domestic violence. Initially i fought back, but then he was stronger and lashed out at me in worse ways, and he blamed me for provoking him. Thankfully I did not want to have kids till at least five years had passed in my marriage.

I started thinking that maybe i am a bad person and i deserve this. But then he told his parents that i was getting suicidal, and i mine about his outbursts which had gotten to be a weekend thing.

I packed my bags and went home, and that was when i realized that i deserved better. my parents could not believe that i could go through such an experience for one whole year, and that a bold girl like me did nothing about it.

Anyways, to make a long story short, i realized that i need to be with a guy who treats me better.

Once he realized that i was going to divorce him, he came back to me
and apologized and asked for a second chance. Of course his parents kept saying that i was the one who made their son "bad"... well, i told his mom she could keep him if she wanted to, i didnt want him.
Now we are back together, and things couldnt be better!! it was hard to forgive and forget, and I wouldn't have started feeling sane without my parents' help (they are such angels!!).

Getting back together was one of the toughest decisions, and I decided to give it a try. It was a year into my marriage, and I didn't want to get a divorce till I had tried everything. We did try Couples Counseling, which didn't work very well. Individual psychotherapy did, and now it all seems like a bad bad dream that is best forgotten.

I could not have done this without my parents' support. At each step they made me feel more independent and never me lose confidence in myself. It is very important to have someone to turn to in such situations, just to make you feel better about yourself, if nothing else.

I

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Hi Wildflower,

Having read all the messages at leisure, having a room-mate helps in sharing bills. Change of venue helps the most on recovery.

When I got back with my husband, the first thing I did was look for new apartments to move into. I did not wish to live in the place that had such terrible memories. I am now living in a new city (NYC, to be more specific), in a new apartment. That has helped me cope with my past in a much better way. Do try to get away if you can from that place. Trust me, once you have your confidence back, everything else will seem more within your grasp. NEVER, NEVER lose your confidence.

I do have a suggestion. Please don't take this the wrong way. I once read about a woman who spent so much on clothes and shoes (!!) that after the dot-coms failed she lost her job and was heavily into debt. She started her own website where people could contribute at least $1, and she could pay off her debts. I think you could do the same, and since all of us on this forum have been so open about suggestions, we could forward an email to all our contacts to check out your website. Its okay to ask for help when one needs it. It will definitely take loads off you and you can focus on getting away from that place and getting a new job, instead of on past bills!!

Another thing... is there any way you can get a restraining order against your mother in law?? In laws are the worst, and I can't even begin to start talking about mine! My hubby's parents had the nerve to say that I am mad, so my husband was provoked to beat me to keep me in place. I mean, seriously, do I sound insane to any of you here???

Just ignore them.

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How do you survive divorce with Domestic Voilence?

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