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I'm 31 and bad at sex

 
 
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 08:34 am
When I was 18, I started dating a girl that I spent the next 8+ years of my life with. We had a pretty active sex life for the first few years... For the first couple years we had sex at least a couple times pretty much every day. It definitely dwindled near the end, maybe having sex once a month for the last couple of years.

In all that time, I was never able to give her an orgasm. I didn't do the things that I've discovered are important in giving a girl pleasure... She wouldn't let me go down on her very often, claiming that she was dirty (hadn't showered recently, had peed, whatever)... and she often made sex just about fulfilling me. She just wanted me to be pleased, and in my youthful ignorance, I accepted this. Our sexual encounters were frequently very short, lasting 5 minutes or less.

In the last year or so, she told me that she was frustrated with my inability to please her sexually. She was a virgin before we were together, and while she was always faithful to me, she was clearly upset that she hadn't had an orgasm and really wanted to find out what that was like. When we broke up, she discovered that the problem wasn't on her side, because her next boyfriend had no problems giving her orgasm after orgasm.

Clearly, this hurt my pride, and made me very self-conscious. It was horrible hearing that she was a) having sex with another guy and b) enjoying it so much more than she did with me. Our conversation(s) about it were never geared at hurting me, more likely conveying to me why we would never get back together, and how much happier she is now... and because she wanted me to know so that I could work hard at pleasing my next partner(s) in order to make sure that this problem would never happen again.

I was celibate for the next year or so, not sure if I was just depressed or lacked confidence or what, but the next girl I was with could achieve orgasm when we were together, but only when I stimulated her manually. Whenever I would stop using my hands, she would grab them and make them stay there. She did not enjoy herself nearly as much during intercourse.

Since then, I've hooked up with one friend when things escalated one night, and she seemed to have enjoyed it a great deal... she was quite engorged at the time and I suspect that she was very turned on at the time because I was actually paying attention to her needs, kissing her, licking her, stimulating her manually, and her boyfriend of the last year or two seemed uninterested in her sexually... but because she has had the same boyfriend for quite a while, we haven't really gone down that road again since.

Now, I've been dating a girl on and off for about a year. All the while, she has been in a relationship of about 10 years (when we started dating), so while we started our "relationship" by just spending time together, holding hands, talking, and eventually making out and then going to second or third base, it took about 6 months for me to finally engage in sexual intercourse with her.

Once that happened, feeling incredibly guilty, she broke off most contact with me, claiming to want to work on her existing relationship. But she couldn't leave me alone... clearly I satisfied her on an emotional level. I'm very caring, attentive, thoughtful and open with my feelings, etc. Just in the last month or two, things have re-escalated between us and we've been having sex more often. She finally broke up with her boyfriend two weeks ago and while she tells me that she's not ready to immediately jump into another relationship, she knows how amazing a guy I am and wants to "date" me for a while before we do anything silly like move in together (which is FINE by me). She's made it clear that even though we're just "dating", she will be seeing me exclusively.

However, frequently when we're together, she seems sad and not completely over her ex... She had every reason to leave him... he was a crazy alcoholic who would drink until he blacked out every night, got his second DUI a couple months ago, lost his job, his license, etc. He punches holes in their walls, breaks all their dishes, their stuff, etc. And isn't a very attentive father to their 8 year old girl. (Yes, there is a kid involved.) He's threatened to kill her or himself if she ever left (which now appears to be an empty threat), he tracks the GPS on her phone, has found a way to have all her text messages re-routed to his phone, she's not allowed to have friends or go out once she's home for the day. And, unfortunately, I think she's been so abused (emotionally more than physically) in her life, that she craves the abuse on some level... I truly might be TOO stable for her... but that's neither her nor there for the purposes of this post.

I'm fine with the fact that she's not completely over her (now) ex-boyfriend. It's only been a couple of weeks, and I think it's perfectly normal for it to take a while to move on completely. Unfortunately, though, she's made it clear that sex with me just isn't as gratifying as it was with him. And he's actively trying to get her back...

I make every effort to please her. I kiss her all over, lick her, rub my hands all over her body, attempt to stimulate her orally, manually, and generally spend a lot of time building up to the actual intercourse because I've accepted that I'm just not good at the physical act. It doesn't seem to be a matter of duration, as the actual intercourse tends to last between 30 and 45 minutes (which is soooo much better than it was with girlfriend #1, as mentioned before).

But I feel like I need to improve my technique or something. I want sex to be as enjoyable for her as it is for me. I'm not incredibly well endowed or anything, but I don't think I'm "small". I stand at 6'2" and my penis is about 6.5 inches long. In terms of girth, I'm not sure what I would compare it to. I would say I'm probably very average that way.

All the sites I search, in an effort to find out "what a girl needs", tell me mostly the things I'm already trying to do... focus on foreplay, kiss her, tell her how attractive I find her, hold her close, etc. I even talk to her about it when we're not in the bedroom, to find out what she wants, but she's not incredibly helpful.

So, I'll reiterate, I want to improve my technique. I want to know what I should be physically doing to make things better for her. I feel like my penis is useless and want to find my girl moaning in delight rather than telling me that somebody else satisfies her better than I do (again!).

Thanks for reading, and any help you can provide would be much appreciated.
 
jespah
 
  8  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 08:41 am
Stop dating women who aren't over their previous lovers.

While some of the issue may be on your end of things, it sounds to me like a good chunk of it is emotional on the part of the women.

As for technique, much of what you are doing is fine. And there is no law that says you can't talk in the bedroom! How about asking? "Susan (or whatever her name is), what do you like? Do you have a particular fantasy?" And see where it goes from there. Or ask her to demonstrate what works for her.

You can't really get to the destination if you don't have a map now, can ya?

So ask for directions.
0 Replies
 
DavJohanis
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 08:47 am
@BadAtSex,
Ok,
If I read your post right, you are a sensitive, caring.. and primarily loving type.

You should use that and cultivate the aspects of lovemaking according to sensuality, which involves erogenous zones... Following that take absolute dominant control.. Change the action on a script of your design and vary it.

That's the answer bud..
Your penis is not failing you, your mind and your gentle ways possibly are..
But you need the right woman too, not everyone will appreciate 'you' it is the same for the other guy, sometimes he gets a kipper in the face by text too.

If it seems as though I am wrong, perhaps you have not discovered the various points of assorted contact in gentle and sensitive control of a female..
ALL of them.

Also, to a woman, lead up is important, make the night, yours.. but for them.
Foreplay should be short and increasing in intensity, shorter than drawn out pointlessness I mean..

The ins and outs are important, as is buildup of delight in that area.
Bare in mind however, I am a machine and I only ever used my skills in a loving way and never really tried otherwise, no woman is what you want if divinity demands you love someone for a burst in too much quantitative value, so advice is better from a book, gentle sex can make a woman cum, but it is hard work, worth it though, when in love.

So what Jespah said is bang on, get a map.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 08:52 am
Sorry - but I think you are seeing this from a sexual view - your own.

Leave her alone to sort out this separation from her ex. There is a child involved and living with an alcoholic can be addictive, too.

Give her space and in the meantime, enjoy what you have.

It may not last.
0 Replies
 
BadAtSex
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 09:40 am
@BadAtSex,
I do seem to have a habit of choosing taken women. I'm not sure what that's about but I do have some theories...

My ex moved on from our relationship so fast, I've always wondered if she was cheating. She was an honest and trustworthy girl, and she has told me several times that she didn't/wouldn't do that to me.

Still makes me wonder, though. And there's a part of me that feels like if somebody else can take mine, I can only move on by taking one from somebody else. Not the right attitude or mindset, obviously...

Another part of me wonders if I'm so stable, if subconsciously I need some kind of drama in my life... and I also felt like I fixed my ex and that relationship was so good, maybe I kind of want to fix another.

About being gentle, that may be a correct assumption. After spending some time on OKCupid (a free online dating site), one of the questions it asks is about do you prefer sex to be rough or gentle. I chose gentle, but I do see A LOT of girls that choose rough. I'm not really sure what rough sex entails... I do know that the current one pulls my hair (which isn't long), maybe I should do that for her... and she bites my shoulder and stuff... is that what rough sex is? I think about the show Nip/Tuck and picture the Casanova-type doctor sniffing coke off the ass of one of the girls he was with. I don't do drugs, so I kind of had a negative connotation associated with this action... but the girl in the scene is obviously loving every minute... very next scene involves his partner having lousy missionary sex with his obviously bored wife... and I knew that I was more like him of the two.

Maybe I'll start googling "rough sex" instead of "how to be better at sex" or "how to please her sexually", etc...

EDIT: One more thing I wonder about, in terms of attracting women with boyfriends, is maybe I'm so nice that that becomes like a welcome change of pace from their boyfriends that have become indifferent to them over time. I'm able to give them, emotionally, what they've been missing and crave. But I don't think that bodes well for me, long term, as they're always going to miss the "exciting" element that I think I lack.
DavJohanis
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 09:44 am
@BadAtSex,
Yeah yeah,
The rough sex part gets extreme to the boundaries, but most see it as a simple change of pace to soft/medium porn style to start. Hardest porn being rarely presented at the levels close to blood.

Missionary man does himself an injustice in the realms of 'tarts with many starts'.. I ignore the slags.
0 Replies
 
Barbiediva
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 02:49 pm
@BadAtSex,
In my opinion, you are over-thinking ...
A bad sex partner is the one who is selfish. It doesn't look like you are!
So just work on overcoming your insecurities, allow your self to be free, love yourself the way you are; don't change what isn't broken...
BadAtSex
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Jan, 2013 06:57 am
@Barbiediva,
I appreciate hearing stuff like that. I really do. It's frustrating, though, because I want the girls I'm with to enjoy what we're doing as much as I do... and clearly they're not. I have to believe there's a physical side to it all... it can't all be emotional.
BadAtSex
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Jan, 2013 12:01 pm
@BadAtSex,
And by emotional, clearly, I meant psychological... my fault.
crash-override
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2013 03:56 pm
@BadAtSex,
it seems like you are right in that there is a physical issue here. BUT, my guess is it stems from the psychological. Your insecurities are likely whats causing you to lack whatever it is you think you are lacking. I suggest you follow Barbiediva's suggestion and the rest will improve automatically. Lack of confidence in your own abilities will nearly always affect how you do them. In this case negatively.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2013 04:55 pm
@BadAtSex,
some women never cum with penetration, no matter who is doing it. Also, your ex shut down any avenue to get around this problem. your best bet at this point is to bed a bunch of women and learn what they like. with enough experience you will learn to quickly figure out what individual women want, and you will know how to give it to them.
0 Replies
 
Sophie88
 
  0  
Reply Tue 29 Jan, 2013 03:49 pm
@BadAtSex,
As a woman, my best advice is to be communicative on sex. I have dated multiple men, and when I first started to have sex I wasn't very good at it. Once I met a man (the person I've loved the most in my entire life), and during our 3 years of relationship, he taught me a lot about sex. He used to talk to me and tell me what I was doing wrong and what he liked. He also used to ask me what I like, and we shared the best sex I've ever had. So, talk to your partner and be confident. Being secure of yourself might be such a turn on!
0 Replies
 
chrissy68
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Feb, 2013 05:41 am
@BadAtSex,
u sound fine doing it right give her attention is all u need to know ive been with a smaller man he was great ive been with my long term partner now for yrs and he dosent go near me only my top half hes never satisfied me not really forward im in my 40s so should know you are doing ok dont worry.
anonymously99stwin
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 01:18 am
@BadAtSex,
If you're with a woman who informs you to make her moan, hints at it, etc then you should tell her to suck your penis. I being a man in my sixties have never had a problem with doing so.
Or she may not moan. That's besides the point.
A woman who enjoys sucking truly enjoys the sex, she making sure her man does as well. That is the type of woman you need.

OR

Make her fall in love so the sex will mean something.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 01:19 am
10 years of practice any yet you have no skill? That is your fault, but you can fix this. Get busy. There are always more women to ****, the ones you have disappointed will not matter.
anonymously99stwin
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 07:07 am
@BadAtSex,
You were doing nothing wrong. You shouldn't had felt you must do something. Anything.

You may not had been strong enough, mentally. Emotionally.

Reason you let her get away.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 08:40 am
" I have to believe there's a physical side to it all... it can't all be emotional."

WRONG!! Good sex IS about 90% emotional and 10% physical. Otherwise, it becomes a mechanical act. This is what you are creating yourself.

You keep hooking up with emotionally unavailable women and wonder why it does not work.

Get you mind off your own penis and develop a REAL relationship based on something besides sex.
anonymously99stwin
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 11:45 am
@PUNKEY,
Nice way to say.

But before making her fall in love with you, you would have to be in love with her. Or it simply won't last.

Good chance she'll test you, often, in many ways to make sure you're in love with her. Or. To see if/make sure you truly want her.

Once the two of you are together the sex will be, I don't know. Depends on how much the each of you crave sex. I guess.

One of those things where you're in the dark of.

I have this feeling not many women crave sex as often as men crave sex.
0 Replies
 
anonymously99stwin
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 01:19 pm
@BadAtSex,
"6.5 hard, or soft?"

Smile

I'm not serious.
0 Replies
 
anonymously99stwin
 
  2  
Reply Sun 12 Jan, 2014 09:40 pm
@BadAtSex,
I recommend you get a teacher.

Find yourself a woman who would love to dominate you from time to time in bed. sexually.

I can't help you there. I'm a straight man.
0 Replies
 
 

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