Just skimming through some of these posts, I get the impression the "creeped out" factor is more about someone who goes out of their way to contact an old flame/friend/acquaintence. If it's running into someone or contacting them without having to go through a lot of trouble to find them, that's a little different I would think.
That can't be the only factor. Some people would find that flattering.
I'm not talking about flattering. I'm responding to O.B.'s post. His descriptions of situations aren't the same as the one ehBeth described. With his, it came across to me as a friendly encounter without having to seek out information to make that encounter happen. With ehBeth's, the guy went out of his way to make the encounter happen. I guess it all depends on the circumstances, but if you find someone has gone through a lot of trouble to track you down, it smacks of desparation. Maybe for some it is flattering. But I can also see how it can weird some people out when they discover how much effort had been spent trying to find them after a rather lengthy absence of the person in their lives.
I've been thinking about this a little more from the contactER's perspective more than the contactee's. I think Montana takes things to heart more than O'Bill, as a general concept -- I think that if O'Bill contacted someone who wasn't interested in hearing from him, he'd shrug and move on, whereas I think that Montana might be really stung.
I think that's just one of the things to keep in mind, try to think of possible outcomes and possible reactions to them, and then do whatever feels right.
By the way, the yoga thing ties in to what Caprice has to say (I agree) about how much effort has been put into the process of tracking this person down. "Hey, I saw an article about you! How ya doin'?" is pretty non-threatening.
As a general concept, I think what I would do is some sort of very brief opening sally, like that, see what the reaction is, and go from there.
I like ehBeth's present analogy.
I know that something similar happened to my husband, though without the romantic overtones -- an old classmate saw an article about him (my husband), and contacted him. My husband was unethusiastic but felt that he had to respond, so he did, in a minimally polite way. The guy wrote again. And again. And again. And my husband is totally sick of him. I think he may have just stopped responding, I forget.
Anyway, giving the other person a chance to give some indications of whether they want a correspondence, and following their cues, would be my overall advice. If they respond to "How ya doin'?" with a terse "fine" and not much more, leave it there.
sozbe...I think that makes sense and was pretty much in line where I was headed. I will see what happens. Luckily these Resident Inns have high speed connections.
For Montana...if she does talk to him on occassion I would express your feeling when I could see the other persons body language to see how it was going versus writing it. I think the other issue here is timing. you may get the person at the wrong moment and it does not go over well but another time it would be fine, hard to control that in a letter...why not wait till the next time you guys connect?
I would think there are two times to write a letter that expresses feelings...one is your in a relationship and you want to send a 'love' letter or express yourself in some way, the other person maybe expecting it or at least you would see them to explain it!...the other would be good bye, though not a real nice way. Not sure hello works here.
my two cents and worth every nickel! Must admit talking about this is making this 40 something guy feel like I am in high school again...do we ever really grow up?
or do the stakes just get bigger?
As someone who is middle aged but can make the leap mentally to being older, maybe someone in that age group might like to reconnect. Creepy by definition if you are 24, but maybe not at all later. Me, I'd leave room for reconnection and wait a bit on the creepiness score. Well, it all depends. There could be great joy for some people reconnecting, if only with a few words.
Me, I'd still like to hear from Larry, and no, I don't want to have a romance now. Or lets say now knowing more about who we were, probably not. Just to catch up.
Would also like to hear from Michael, my first love, who surprised me with poem after poem, in chem class where I was near failing and he was top of class of 250. For the romance? No... not now (weeeeeeeeeeeell, who knows, but that isn't my expectation, but he was the one who opened my mind to both poetry and all sorts of politics. We signed the petition to get Siquieros out of jail together... would just like to catch up, as I said before, for continuity.
Not every chase is creepy.
ossobuco: first loves are never really go away do they? not always the first person you 'did it' with but the first connection with someone. Certainly do seem to define us. My first gave me a copy of "our bodies our selves". I don't think I understood what a feminist was then but she certainly made other women seem boring...
I never did read that! Well, one of these days..
but you're right, the fellow who was my first love in the usual sense was also my first real thinking friend. Made a difference in my life.
caprice wrote:I'm not talking about flattering. I'm responding to O.B.'s post. His descriptions of situations aren't the same as the one ehBeth described. With his, it came across to me as a friendly encounter without having to seek out information to make that encounter happen. With ehBeth's, the guy went out of his way to make the encounter happen. I guess it all depends on the circumstances, but if you find someone has gone through a lot of trouble to track you down, it smacks of desparation. Maybe for some it is flattering. But I can also see how it can weird some people out when they discover how much effort had been spent trying to find them after a rather lengthy absence of the person in their lives.
I definitely agree it can be creepy, but from my understanding that is based on what the person has done in the past, not what they did to reconnect. There are a lot of shows about reconnections, and I like to watch them (and I clap if they kiss). Some people get creeped out, and some get angry, but there is a significant portion (certainly not the majority) who are happy to see each other again, even though one of them went to so much trouble.
Has anyone sent out a search party for Montana yet?
She lives next door to me. I could go over and knock?
ready to hit send...I will let you all know how it went...wish i could have had someone proof read it but its time to just let it go. at least it will be done.
Thanks...thing I added because of this conversation was something to the effect that if she is married or its creepy I will vanish...
I don't think you want to suggest it might be creepy. That's kind of creepy.
Oh, my god, you didn't say that did you? Are you crazy!? You blew it dude!!! :wink:
You know the bad thing about this kind of thing is the waiting. Now that you've sent this letter, you'd better hope for her to write back soon. If she doesn't, you are going to go absolutely nuts anticipating. And also, what if she doesn't write back? You could be sitting around for weeks with this false hope--maybe she was on vacation and didn't get the message yet . . . maybe she's still thinking about it--oh man, that is going to be torture.
And then, after the heartbreak seeps in, a year from now you'll be sitting on the curb in a pool of your own vomit, drunk off your ass, ranting about your broken heart, during a break between alcoholic binges.
I can't believe you wrote that part about being creepy.
Hey! The guy who turned out to be my husband wrote something very similar in the preface to a poem he wrote for me, which was his opening romantic sally. Worked great.
(kickycan, romantic life treating you badly again?)
Not to scare you, but you soooooo should not have written the creepy part. And I am not one to add extra vowels to a word to add emphasis lightly. Why didn't you let anyone proof-read it?
As far as what kicky said, I was so pathetic when my first girlfriend broke up with me, that I checked my E-mail every day that I could for years hoping she'd write. And she did a couple times... but still, that is soooooo pathetic.
I'm sorry, I was just playing. I couldn't resist. he he he.
But actually, romantic life is treating me a little bit strangely lately. I'm not sure if it's good or bad yet.
