I HAVE A CONFESSION!!

Exactly the point I made in my pm to her. Thank you, Soz, that was a succinct and thorough post.

LOL Love you, too, hon!

Hello Gracie

Sometimes it's not quite so simple. There are many reasons that Mother's or Father's have to give up or walk away from their children - and it doesn't mean the child/ren aren't loved - there could be very many other reasons.

I do hope you will try to talk to your PaPa about your feelings and let him know that you would like to try and find or write to your Mom in the future. He may get upset but if you don't ask him, you may never know. I do agree with Mame tho too, in that, you may end up finding out things that could hurt.

I believe that many folk here are looking out for you on A2K, which is kinda cool, some won't wish to sugarcoat things for you, nor do they wish to burst any bubbles.

As you get older (I know, that sounds terribly patronising, it's not meant to be), I do believe you will see that, at times. life is not so 'black and white'. That doesn't mean that I could ever begin to understand how you feel about not having your Mom around, but I do have an understanding of how sometimes, we do have to do things that must appear terribly wrong to a child (whether you are 3, 13, 23, 33 etc). There are many shades of grey in the world and none of us would know why your Mom left or can give you explanations as to "why".

Of course, it's natural for you to wonder and question, judge and in some ways protect your PaPa as he has brought you up.

Please do try and talk to your Father, or even your Aunt / Grandparents - perhaps it will be easier to understand as you get older, or not, it may be even more difficult to understand "why"... but when we all talk here to you, remember we all have different perspectives, we all have different experiences, so we aren't all going to agree on everything - ha, we often don't

I know you're not a little kid - but there are things my kids don't understand and they are 14 and nearly 19 - and I probably won't ever tell them things that I believe could be harmful to their wellbeing - no matter how old they are. My youngest often tells me he is old enough to know everything about why/how/what happened when his Dad and I broke up. Truthfully Gracie, my son will never know some of the reasons - and that's the way it should be as it is between the adults and their personal relationships.

I realise that's not the same as what you're wanting to know right now, about how/why your Mom could have left you, Lissa and Matt.. I really do hope that you'll get some answers that will give you some peace in your head about it later in life. Right now though, you must carry on with being a teenager and school and all that.

You're a breath of fresh air so keep on smilin' and try to be patient with your Dad if he's not able to give you the answers you wish for right now.

I'm real glad you're talking to lots of folk here and getting advice.

Heya Izz

You're right, she is a breath of fresh air! Very delightful.

How are you and yours? I should call you.

Excellent post, Izzie!

Hey Gal - we're doin' great right now, thankee Sooooo jealous that you're gonna be going to Austin to see The Woman and Tea Lady! We didn't get to spend enough time with either of them when we visited 2 yrs ago - but I'm pretty sure you're gonna have a blast I oughta send you a big black cauldron - you'll be 'hubble bubble toil and trouble" between the 3 of you - would love to be there. We went to the Peter Tavy Inn on Sunday with Charlie and co - thought of you - ahhh, time is so short. Big hugs to you and Alex xx

<waves to jw! x>

First off, thanks Soz and Izzie for saying all that so well.

It's difficult not to perhaps make it sound like we're being patronizing Gracie . We're not. Thing is, we've all be 13. It's a difficult time.

Like has been said, there's many many reasons people give up their babies for adoption.



Reading the above Gracie...Life not being fair DOES mean she gets to be mean and selfish....that's what makes it not fair.

Not fair doesn't mean you say to someone "that's not fair" and they say "ok, then I take it back." Not fair means just that. You don't like it, but it's the way it is.

That's what I meant before when I said that you want to believe things are true about other people, so they will be true about you.

Above, when you ask "How could you not love your own baby?" It would be so easy to anwer you "I don't know, I don't know how someone could not love their own baby" because in a way, that makes it not so. You can believe it's not so, so it would be true.
You can not understand how something like that could be, but realize that's how it is anyway.

Some people don't love their own babies, and give them up for adoption. Some people DO love their babies, and that's WHY they give them up for adoption. Because they know perhaps they could never be a good mother to that child.

It's not as easy as saying "then don't get pregnant" Sometimes, no matter how careful someone is, it happens. People get pregnant every day while using birth control correctly. Many people, including myself, don't agree with abortion. Some people would get an abortion if they could, but can afford it, or it isn't available where they live. Women get raped, and just don't want the child, as to them it's too painful a reminder. So many reasons. A different reason for every woman.

Most people who end up having a baby that way keep the baby, and are ok. Some aren't. That doesn't make it wrong.

In fact, there is no simple right or wrong, as all of us have been saying.

Also, fairness in the eye of the beholder Gracie, and saying is wrong or unfair doesn't make it so.

You said the woman who gave up her daughter for adoption 20 plus years ago was "selfish and mean" Do you really think that for every day of her life, until her birth daughter tried to get in touch with her, she was selfish and mean in how she lived her life? Was she being selfish because she realized 20 plus years ago she couldn't or didn't want to raise a baby, and the baby would be much better off with people who wanted, and could take good care of her? She may have felt she was giving the baby the greatest gift in the world, parents who could do better than she could.

Perhaps for the next 20 plus years she did many wonderful things. Maybe she's a doctor, scientist or teacher. She did at some point, years along, marry and had other children. For whatever reason she decided what happened in her past needed to stay there.
What she did when she let her daughter know she didn't want to meet her felt selfish and mean to the daughter, but not to the woman, for reasons that are her own.

People don't live in a vacuum. While you have been growing and changing over the last 13 years, your mother has done and gone through every day with her own experiences.

What many of us are saying is that it could be very painful to build up expectations of what it would be like to meet with your mother, decide what she's like, what you will both want to talk about, how much you will have in common and will enjoy the experience.

I really wish you would show all this to your father Gracie.

I'm agreeing with Chai. If you're worried about him reading some of your other topics, you don't have to show him the site, just highlight and print out or copy and paste to a Word document, the text from posts you'd like to talk with him about.

Aww, Come on Jcboy!

Aww! Come on, Jcboy! It cant be anything that bad. Definitely not worse than any of mine. Unless you killed somebody or something like that, then maybe you should keep it to yourself. HAHA!

Well, yeah. I get what your saying sozobe. I never thought about moms that did drugs or had mental problems. I see how some kids would be happier with better parents. I sure would.

Thanks for the PM, Mame! It was nice

You're cute, Gracie

Hi Izzie!!

Yeah, Im thinking about talking to my dad more about it. I dont really know how though.. Like, everytime I'd ask him why he thinks my mom left or what made them break up he'd say stuff like "You don't need to worry about that, Gracie. What's done is done." He loves that. 'What's done is done.' Its really irritating. And when I ask him other stuff he always gives me crappy answers without really answering the questions, like Im 5 years old or something. My dad's usually easy to talk to (except about girl stuff) but when it comes to my mom he wont budge. I dont know if it hurts him to talk about it or what so I try not to push it but I still wanna know more about her.

Yeah, you guy do look out for me. I like it, its cool. I dont think I really need it but its nice to know that you guys care.

I know lifes not black and white but adults really do complicate everything. (No offense) but its true. I know there's alot of different situations. I've heard it from chai, Momma CJ, Mame, JPB, sozobe, Ive heard it over and over so I get it, I really do. But I still cant help but think that if you loved your kid enogh you could make it work, ya know? Moms could stop drugs, get help from illness and work hard so they could be good parents. Not just give up and give the baby away or leave it. Id love my dad even if he were on drugs or had a mental illness or had to work hard to take care of me and Matt and Lissa because I know that he loves me no matter what and he'd try to get better and make things better for us.

But, whatever that's just me. You dont have to explain it again. I get what you guys are saying. And maybe Im being naive or whatever but I really cant help it. That's how I feel. I dont think what you guys are saying is wrong, but I dont think Im wrong either.

Oh! And Im sorry that you and your husband broke up. I know that was probably really hard but I hope your happier now. Who needs a boyfriend anyway? GIRL POWER!! Haha! Im just kidding, but yeah, you know what I mean.

My grandparents and my dad dont really get along so I only talk to them on birthdays and holiday over the phone. Sometimes I visit them in Canada in the summer but I dont really know them to well. My Aunt doesnt know much about my mom. She's really really strict so I dont really talk to her about stuff like that. I love her but we just dont have that kind of relationship, ya know?

YAY! Im a 'breath of fresh air'! I've been hearing that alot here lately! Thanks! I love talking to you guys and you give awesome advice! You guys are great friends! (acquaintances)

Okay I’m spilling my guts. My mother passed away from breast cancer when I was 17, then five years later my father from lung cancer, he smoked for twenty years. I was 22.

My doctor prescribed Valium. I refilled it for six months until he would no longer prescribe it, so I would drive across the Tijuana border of Mexico and buy all I wanted. I was taking 3 to 4 a day for two years.

Well one day I ran out and decided to just stop taking them, within a week I got what I thought was the flu but it wouldn’t go away, it was horrible, so I went back to the doctor, pretty much told him everything and he said, you don’t have the flu you are going through withdrawals. So at the age of 24 I checked into a rehab center for four weeks. It’s not something I’m proud of, I was young and stupid and an experience I’ll never forget. And I will never ever experience that again.

Wow! Hey, Im really really sorry! I wasnt trying to like force you into saying something you didnt wanna talk about. I was just joking around. I thought you'd say something like you stole your parents car or threw a party when they werent home or something crazy like that. I didnt know that it was, like serious or anything. That really sucks jcboy, really! Im SOO glad your okay!

That's really horrible. It must've been awful. I hope your feeling better about it. I mean, I know it still makes you sad but I hope your not depressed or hurting still. I kinda feel really snobby, complaining about my mom when you went through something soo much worse.Your way stronger than me. I cant imagine not having my dad around. Im glad you stopped taking Valium (a kind of pill or drug right? You said a doctor gave it to you.) Your doctor shouldnt have given it to you if It would make you get withdrawl. Like I said, Im really sorry and I hope your feeling okay. I know your older than me but if you ever wanna talk Im a good listener and I can be a good friend/ acquaintance.

You couldve made yourself really sick, maybe even died right? Im glad you made it out okay jcboy! Im glad your here! Yeah, dont do that again.

Thank you Gracie, you’re very sweet, you are like the little sister I never had.

I’ve changed a lot in the last five years and I’m doing great now and starting my own little family here in St. Pete and I haven’t been happier in years.

What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Right, jcboy?

(We all have our stories.)

Hi chai!

Yea, Im starting to see what you mean. I dont get how some people dont love their own babies but just because I dont understand it doesnt mean it isnt true. That's what your saying. I really get it this time.

And I NEVER thought about the girls that get raped and have babies. That's horrible, I get why they couldnt love their babies even though it isnt the kids fault. At least those moms have reasons for giving their kids up though. But, yeah, everybody has different reasons and just because it seem wrong to me doesnt mean its wrong for them. Its kinda unfair for me to say that it was wrong, huh? I've learned my lesson chai.

Thanks for talikng about it with me and being patient and stuff when I didnt understand. Sorry, for the back and forth. I just really wanted to know why you felt the way you did, ya know. What you were saying just sounded really mean to me, like you didnt care about kids that were given up at all. I dont think you're a mean person so I was just realy confused that you felt that way.

But yeah, you were helping me understand everything. I dont think you were right about everything but neither was I.

Im gonna talk to my dad, I promise. Im nervous about what he'll tell me (if he'll actually tell me anything) about my mom. I do have "expectations" but I'll try not to. My dad's birthday is September 2nd so I'll talk to him maybe a day or 2 after that. I'll talked to my sister and 'maybe' my brother tonight about my mom and if they wanna talk to dad with me. I dont think Matt will but I could probably convince Lissa. I dont wanna show him this because he might start reading other things that I've posted and talked about and that could get me in ALOT of trouble. I dont really want him to know I talk about this stuff on the internet because I dont know if he'd be okay with that.

Thanks chai! GoodNight!

Thats a awesome idea! Thanks Butrflynet!