I HAVE A CONFESSION!!

Super post, JPB.

Chai, she might've thought she didn't wanna be found 13 years ago but she might change her mind after she sees me. If she meets me and still doesn't want me then I'll leave her alone. I won't bother her anymore. I just want her to give me a chance, that's all

Yea. Ok. I've talked to my dad alittle about my mom so we have ' breeched' the subject. I just wanna know more but it's hard for my dad to talk about or maybe he just doesn't think I'm ready or whatever. Its not fair that dad gets to make all the decisions about what I can and can't handle. I should be able to decide for myself. But I get what you're saying, I just dont like it.

Thanks Bella Dea!

From the threads in which you've participated I've seen over the last month, I see that you're a decent caring person. You're struggling with very hard issues with which anyone, child OR adult, would have a tough time. Putting aside the abandonment of your mom in your family, you still need to tralk with a someone (besides your Dad) about important 'girly' and teen social relationship issues he's not prepared for.

Maybe it's time that you seek out and speak with a guidance counselor in school? I suggest you find a way of getting a referral and make a few appointments with a psychologist. This is very serious stuff you are expressing here.

Going with your Dad to counseling sessions is an ideal and important - but at least you should ge to see one... as these feelings you express are pretty important and far more important than anyone here can help you with.
Also, these issues have a big impact on your future growth both as a person and with your relationship to Dad and in life.


This process and emotional distress you're experiencing takes patience - even when you feel you've no more patience with waiting to learn the details of why she left. Issues like drugs addiction, infidelity, severely crippling emotional issues (depressions, schizophrenia, crime, etc.) all could be possibilities.

Frankly no one at age 13, even a grown-up 13-yr-old like you, might be strong enough or capable enough. But more importantly....even if you were, she is not..and your Dad is not ready to reveal the background.

We all have an idea of how painful it is for you, but how painful all of this must be to him is beyond our understanding.

If you EVEr find out the details, that's where you may need to prepare yourself for a far different reality than what you're imagining. Assuming that you could locate or visit her, she may not want ANY contact at all with her past. Perhaps you can't even imagine the type of problems and emotional issues she had at the time when she left?

This isn't about you...sad to say..at ALL! Some women in these circumstances might never want any contact. The right thing COULD be that she stays out of your life. The emotional scars of her possible lack of caring and lovingkindness may be a scar you aren't prepared for. That is a very hard concept and set of emotions to deal with.

Also...your dad may still be so raw emotionally about this (especially because she abandoned him and YOU both). He may need some more time to partially or fully disclose all of this. Naturally, you want details, but you have to respect your Dad's needs and allow him to discuss this with you when he feels BOTH of you are ready. He has the wisdom to have raised you the right way so far. Trust his judgement...a bit longer.

After all - hadn't she left 3 kids and your DAD behind?

Thanks JPB!

Yeah, I get what your saying! You totally understand!
Thanks for the awesome advice JPB. Your really great!

I feel that you should AT LEAST find out from your Dad whether or not he thinks he can't have the discussion is because he thinks you're not ready or is it that the issue is that he can't talk about it at all right now. You both need a safe discussion about this giving you some sort of guideline...or even a timeframe when you can learn what you need to know..for the sake of your own growth.

Hi Gracie.

There may be legal reasons your father doesn't discuss this with you at this time. It was the case in a family I was somewhat involved with about 10 years ago.

The meetings between parents and adult children can be complicated by so many things. What is most important, IMNSHO, is that both parties are willing to meet.

This is going to be tough for you to hear Gracie...

Do you think that 13 years ago she thought "I don't want to be found" and has never reevalutated that thought in all that time? If indeed she did even think "I don't want to be found" believe me, she's thought about it since hundreds of times.

You want to her to give you a chance, but what if she doesn't want to give you one? Yeah, that sounds mean, but what if that's how it is?

Think about this for a moment...you don't know where she is, but she knows exactly where you, and your brother and sister have been all this time.

Anyway, it isn't as if you are going to find her address, and just show up at her door. Maybe you haven't thought out the whole process of what would happen if you suddenly had her address in your hands. You would write to her, correct?

She might write back and say she would like to meet you. That would be lovely.
What if she chose not to repond to you at all? Or didn't write back immediately? Getting a letter from you, after 13 years, will totally change her world. Even if she wanted to write back, it might take her weeks, months even, to be able to put it down on paper.

Even if she was thrilled to get a letter from you, I doubt she would be capable of just picking up a pen and sending off a return letter immediately. You know how much you're thinking about this, and for how long, and how confusing it's been? Years, right? And only now you're thinking of looking for her, and it's going to be quite some time before you start searching. Lots and lots of time has gone by where you've been able to get used to the idea of "I'm looking for my mother"

On her end, she opens the mailbox one day, and all the thoughts you've been having for years are suddenly, in one moment, in her hands.
Or, if you were thinking of picking up the phone and calling her? Oh my God, can you imagine answering the phone and hearing the voice of someone who couldn't even talk the last time you saw them? How could she even know what to say at that second?

You know, your mom knows that this day was going to come. But that may not make it any easier at that second if she hears "Hi mom, it's Gracie"

I know you want her to say that she wants to get together, talk, get to know you, but you might just get shocked silence, and whatever you are saying to her isn't even entering her brain. She may completely zone out, unable to think for awhile.

Gracie, this is part of why we're all asking you to take this slow, talk to your dad, etc. etc. This is a process, and should take much more time than you can understand.

Very very true.

it's not easy being invisible.

I hear you ragman.

feel better? <smooch>

Wow. This thread is just FULL of great posts.

I'm really impressed with all of us!

We're all thinking and feeling people ... all of us. I just hope this helps Gracie. We are all aware that these issues are so crucial to her.

Hi Ragman! Im sorry, Im not ignoring you. Its just that Im in school and I cant really spend alot of time on my ipod because I dont want to get caught. If my teachers take my ipod away I might not be able to get it back because my dad wont come get it. Im being sneaky

I dont really wanna talk to a counselor. Im more shy in person than I am on here with people I dont know. I dont like talking to people about this kinda stuff in real life. Im just not use to it. That's why I like talking on a2k soo much. Here I can really be honest and talk about stuff that bothers me without being shy or uncomfortable, ya know?

Why would I need to see a psychologists?! Im not crazy or depressed Ragman. My mom leaving makes me sad but Im not depressed about it and I dont have any mental problems.

I know I have to be patient but I doubt my mom left because of drugs or infedelity (what does that mean?). I know she was depressed but I read that moms get over that, so If that was the problem she wouldve came back. But yeah, you're right. Those could be possibilites.

Im not imagining a happy ending. After talking with you guys I know that things could be hard when I find her. I know that she might not wanna see me. But there IS a chance that things could go great. She COULD be happy to see me. What's wrong with hoping for the best? That's all Im doing. Just because it could turn out bad or hurtful or whatever doesnt mean it will and if it does I can handle it. I promise. Im stronger than you guys think. If I find her and she doesnt want to be in my life I'll still have my dad, my brother and my sister. I know they love me and want me. I'd still have a family. I'll be ok.

And yeah. She left me, my dad, my older brother Matt and my twin sister Melissa (Lissa).

Hi ehBeth!

Legal reasons? Like what? And if it was a legal reason wouldnt my dad be able to tell me that? Are you saying I might have to get permission from a judge or something before I can see my mom? Im kinda confused ehBeth.

I know you're strong.

I can only speak for me, but the idea you're not strong enough hasn't been my primary concern.

With all the parents here, wanting to protect you to some extent or another, I personally feel that the rights of the other person is being overlooked.

Based on what you've been thinking, and what you've read here, how exactly are you planning on making this meeting happen? I don't mean the looking for her part.
I mean, how are you going to initiate contact, and what would you say?

When you said that "you feel the rights of the other person is being overlooked' by other person you mean my mom? How am I 'overlooking' her rights? I just wanna see her once and if she blows me off and tells me she's not intrested, I'll stop contacting her. I'd do whatever she wants. That's fair enough right?

Well, first I wanted to call her, so I could really hear her voice and everything and get instant replies to my questions but I thought you were right when earlier you said that she might be shocked if I call her since the last time she saw me I couldnt even talk. I dont wanna catch her off guard (which I probably will no matter what I do) or make things uncomfortable or hard for her, so I guess calling wouldnt be the best thing.

So, now Im thinking about getting her address and writing her a letter. Ive actually thought about what I wanted to say alot. This is what I came up with so far.

Hi! Im your daughter Gracie. I've thought about you alot growing up and I've always wanted to find you and get a chance to meet you. I just want you to know that Im not mad at you for leaving, I just wanna know why. I know you probably have your own life now and you've moved on. Im not trying to ruin things for you I just want to talk with you or meet with you just one time and then I'll back off if thats what you want. I really hope you'll give me a chance but if not I understand.
-Gracie

Okay chai! What do you think? I think the letter doesnt overlook my moms rights. I think Im being pretty fair. I'd probably add a picture of me and my sister and my brother too. How do you think she'd take it?

I'm sure glad you bumbled into the right people to talk with.

I think you should go over this letter with your father.

Okay fine. But you didnt answer. Do you think it sounded fair? You think it might make her wanna see me? If you were my mom would my letter make you wanna see me? Honestly...