I HAVE A CONFESSION!!

Yes mam. When I reflect on that awful memory I just tell myself, that’s all in my past and I put it behind me.

One thing to keep in mind... how computer literate is your dad? If you show him printed-out stuff that came from somewhere online, it'd be really easy for him to just enter a sentence in quotes into Google and find you here. (Complete with photo avatar in case he wasn't sure.)

You can also just use the things you've talked about and maybe make some notes on your own (handwritten or typed) and then refer to those, if needed, when talking to him.

Good luck....

I'm glad you're not offended if we feel a little protective of you, GG. I think it's natural. We really like you, and we don't want to see you get hurt in any way.

I think it's important for you to know that there are many people who give up their children NOT because they don't care about them, but because they DO. It can be the hardest decision of a person's life. But if someone realizes they are not equipped (in whatever way) to be a good parent to their child(ren), then as much as it hurts, leaving may be the best thing for the child(ren).

Since you really don't know why your mother left (and may never know), it isn't fair to assume that she didn't care about you. If I were you, I would assume there were good reasons why she didn't stay. It's entirely possible she made the best decision she could under tough circumstances. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

I'm a little concerned that you may have unrealistic expectations, and may be hoping that meeting your mom will "set everything straight." In all probability, it would only make things more complicated, because you would then have to deal with all sorts of information about her new life.

No one can undo the past, and I'm afraid you may be hoping for that.

I think it's best for you Gracie, if you try to sort out all this information and advice that you've received, think over what you'd like to say to your Dad and start there. With issues like this, things probably won't be resolved in one sitting or even ten.

Just letting your Dad know that this weighs on you and you'd like to understand should help to create movement. Everyone has their own reasons for not discussing real life issues - your Dad may have some of his own. Go slow at first to test the waters but be honest about your feelings.

My personal feeling is that your Dad might not appreciate that there has been a "public" discussion of "his" affairs. So, as I said, I'd keep any notions of others ideas out of the conversation.

Best of luck, Gracie.

How can a mother not love her child? Well, there are mothers who don't. Mothers who abuse their children, or even kill them don't love them. Does your mother love you? I'd love to say yes but I don't know.

It might hurt to think that , like many others have said here, things aren't always the way we want them to be. Love does not require reciprocation. She might not want to see you again or she might love you so much that she's sacrificed watching you grow up so that you can get a life better than she could give you. Finding your mom won't solve anything. I know you've dreamed up this scenario that when you find your mom you'll have answers and life can begin again. But that might not be the case. You might be left with more questions thatn when you started. You might not like the answers you get. Or maybe everything works out just as you dreamed.

The issue is that you are still at a very idealistic age. This isn't a bad thing at all, just how it is. You've not seen much of the world for what it is or experienced people for who they really are.

I truly hope that you can talk to your dad about this because at 13 you at least have a right to know why your mom left, if not see her again. Consider that maybe your dad doesn't want to talk about it because your mom doesn't want to be found.

You seem like a sweet girl with a good head on your shoulders. Just don't gear yourself up for something that might never happen. Dreams are fantastic and we'd be no where in this world without them. But we also live in reality and it's important we don't lose sight of what really is.

Gracie, when you approach your dad about this, please don't throw direct questions at him, or as you've indicated you've done when he won't answer, say "Well, what do you Think happened!"

As Izzie said, there are certain things she will never tell her sons, or anyone else about her breakup. That's really her private business.
Asking someone what they Think happened can be very off putting. In addition, it can just start this whole new story of what might have happened, and thinking about that so much can make it the truth in your mind.

Maybe ask him generally what it was like when you were little. Ask him to tell you stories of when you, your sister and brother were small.
You know, he has to be comfortable talking about a very hard time in his life. Talking about the times around it, without him having to be worried that you're going to ask him THE question, might be nice for him. It might be nice for him to tell you things in his good time, on his terms.

You know, you lost a mother, but he lost his wife, and the mother to his children, and everything that goes along with that.

That's true. And although Gracie has (probably correctly) assumed that her father doesn't want to talk about it because it is painful for him, it is just as likely that he is afraid that a frank discussion may hurt Gracie. He loves her, and fathers can be very protective of their little girls.

Hello Gracie

Ooooh, you’ve been in my thoughts a great deal today as I’ve been mulling over some things. I feel terribly conflicted about what to say to you due to my personal experiences. So, I’m kinda erring on the side of caution here and would say to you that I believe if your Dad knew that you were talking about this on a forum, that he could get upset.

As much as we all would like to help you deal with the questions you have – it’s not possible for us to know what would be the right way forward on finding out about your Mom. I do think tho it’s perfectly natural to be thinking about her, especially being the young lady you are in addition to going through your teenage years.

So, what am I trying to waffle out here? Well, possibly your Dad may not wish to discuss the circumstances of your Mom leaving because he is trying to protect you. It may be, as Chai has said, that this could be very difficult for him to discuss as it could be his personal loss is a lot to bear and something he doesn’t wish to talk over, especially to his kids.

Your Dad has raised you, your sister and your brother on his own – and, as we’re getting to know you better, it appears he has done a mighty fine job of being a single parent as well as having to work for a living and being a Mom to you also.

As we don’t know why things are the way they are, it is hard to sit here and ask you to wait a little longer for answers to your questions. Don’t get me wrong, only you can decide whether or not you can approach your Dad about this – but what I’d say is that if your Dad can’t give you the answers, or if he chooses not to, then pushing hard for those answers could potentially damage (maybe too strong a word) yours and his relationship because you may start resenting him for not answering you, or for giving you answers that you won't like and may, in hindsight, not wish to know.

The thing is, he may not have the answers. He may not know why your Mom left or it may be that he believes at this point in your life, you would not be able to understand the complexities of what / why/ how it happened. On the flip side, he may have his own reasons for simply not wishing to tell you. Your Dad knows the law and will know as you get older that you may wish to seek out your Mom – so I’d hazard a guess that he is more than aware that you will probably do that.

Yep, adults are complex –we don’t try to complicate matters, we (well, the folk that I know) try to protect our children in the best way we can and do the best job we can as circumstances dictate and, as things often go awry, we do what we think is in the best interests of our kids – tho we wouldn’t ever expect our kids to understand the decisions we sometimes have to make. You're his little girl - I would imagine he has done everything possible to keep your lives as stable as possible - that could mean he needs to make decisions in your best interests.

I imagine that the questions about your Mom go over and over in your head. Please do be careful tho Gracie, mebbe, if you can, approach this a little later. Should you go ahead tho and wish to ask your Dad questions, perhaps you could say that you would like to write a letter to your Mom and ask him how he feels about that. We don’t know if your Dad would even know where your Mom is or how to get in contact with her and to be honest, it may even be difficult for him to understand fully why you would wish to be contacting her. He may imagine that in some way he is failing you (that’s what parents do sometimes, we believe we are failing our kids over things like a parent leaving) – so for that reason, or simply that it could upset your Dad that he can’t protect you simply because ‘he doesn’t know’ why.

Of course, none of us know your Dad and we can only second-guess any one thing – which, in my opinion, if I were in his shoes, seems a little unfair to him.

Of course, you can always write down your feelings and your questions - and keep those letters in a safe place.

I’m not sure how much of the above will make sense to you. I know what I have to do with my youngest son to ensure his feelings about his family circumstances aren’t shattered in any way. That often makes me the bad guy, but it’s certainly better than the alternative.

Oh! Thanks! Yea, my dad's really good with computers I think. He's a lawyer and he's really into research and stuff. Whoa, thanks for that sozobe! I dont think he'd do that though but ya never know so thanks for the heads up.

Sure thing...

Thanks Eva! No Im not offended at all. I like you guys and Im glad that you care.

I know there are different reasons, and some moms do care about there kids. I didnt get how a mom could leave at first but now I kinda understand. I dont feel like my mom leaving was the best for me. But, maybe it was. She could have left but still wrote letters or sent pictures so that me, Lissa, Matt, and my dad could know that she was out there somewhere thinking about us and that she cared. She didnt have to dissappear completely.

I dont have 'unrealistic expectations'. Not anymore at least. I mean, I do hope that she cares about me and wants to see me. I cant help it. But I think I've learned alot talking to you and chai and Mame and Izzie, Momma CJ and everybody. It makes me alittle sad to think about it but I know that theres a big chance that she's moved on ya know? She might have a new family and a new life, and she might care more about that than she does about us. Me trying to find her and get to know her might ruin that for her like the lady in the show chai watched.I get a little upset thinking about it but I cant really blame her , can I? I mean, its been a long time.

Now all I really want is 1 chance to meet her and see her and talk to her. Im gonna try not to expect anymore than that. I still wanna find her but Im not gonna push her or try to make her care about me or love me or whatever. If she does, awesome! That's all I've ever wanted!, but if she doesnt, well I've gone 13 years without her and I've been fine, I want her but I dont need her.

I dont love my mom, I really really want to but I dont. I dont know her and that's her fault not mine. Just thinking that she might not care about us, never thinks about us, or is happier without us hurts alot. But if I find her and thats true, I'll just try to remind myself that even though she left and doesnt want me, my life hasnt been soo bad. I THINK that's what chai was trying to make me realize when she said not having a mom around wasnt the worst thing. My life's been okay without my mom in it. I've been happy more than I've been sad. And I know my dad loves me and he always tells me he's proud of me. He says that me, Lissa and Matt are the best things that ever happened to him. Yea, my mom leaving makes me sad but I still have the best dad ever and he's always been here for me. I kinda forget how hard it is for him sometimes and that he was hurt by mom leaving too. Kinda selfish of me. But me and my dad and my sister had a really great, long talk today about some stuff (Not about mom. It wasnt the right time) but about other personal stuff that my dad's been dealing with for a long time. Him and my grandpa and my jerk of an uncle got into another fight. But, Anyway. Its been a long day and the talk made me realize how awesome my dad is even though he's not perfect.

Sorry, This was long. But I've learned alot thanks to you guys.

Yea, Thanks JTT!

You're right. I kinda wanna really really think about what Im gonna say to my dad before I try to talk to him about it. I wanna let him know how much its been bothering me and how Im old enough to understand some of what happened. I'll be honest, no point in talkind about if if I dont tell him the truth.

Yea. Im pretty sure he wouldnt like it if he knew what I talked about here but in my defense, if I cant talk to him about it I need to talk to someone right? Its not like I've said his name or anything here. No one knows him, just me.

Thanks JTT!

Thanks Bella Dea! Its nice to meet you!

Yea, your right! I think I do have the right to know why she left. Im 13, Im a teenager. Im old enough to understand, he cant use that as an excuse. If my mom doesnt wanna be found my dad could just tell me that. If that's true then it sucks but I'll deal and I'll still look for her. She could change her mind after she meets me. Im not 'expecting' her to or getting my hopes up. Im just saying its a possibility because it is.

Absolutely, Gracie. You just ask about anything any ole time you want. Down the road a piece, I'm sure your Dad would be thrilled to know that so many people think you're such a top notch kid!

Chai: Yea, your right. Especially about my dad losing my mom too. I never really thought about that until you said it.That's a good way to get him to talk more about it too! Thanks Chai!

Hi IZZIE!

My dad knows I have an a2k account. He saw me on the computer once and asked me about it. He doesnt really know what I talk about or what a2k is for. He doesnt really care but I think if he saw my account and what I post he'd freak. Its not that I say bad words or mean things or anything like that, its just that my dad thinks family stuff should stay in the family. He's kinda private I guess but I feel better when I talk about this kinda stuff. I like talking to you guys and getting advice. I understand stuff better, especially complicated stuff like this. If my dad saw he might make me delete my account or something. I dont want him to see my account at all.

I want to talk to my dad about it Izzie. He's the only one besides my mom that can tell me what really happened and help me understand. I wont push him but its not fair of him to keep stuff like this from me. I get that some stuff is just between him and my mom but some of it is between me and my bro and sis too. She left because of us or because being pregnant with us made her depressed. We might not have been the WHOLE reason why she left but we were a big part of it. We should know what exactly happened and why she's gone. If he doesnt want to tell us or feels like he cant tell us, I'll back off and stop fighting him about it but it still wouldnt be fair.

Why do parents always have to decide what we can and cant handle and what we should or shouldnt know? Im not being bratty or a know-it-all. I really wanna know. I get that he's the dad so what he says goes but still, my dad isnt me. He doesnt really know how Im gonna feel or how bad something is gonna hurt me. Im old enough to decide for myself if Im ready or not. Obviously, I want to know so he should stop keeping secrets and tell just tell me. We're not babies anymore. He cant protect us from everything and I dont want him to. I just want straight answers, I just wanna know.

THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE IZZIE!! Your really nice! Definitely one of my favorite people here! Its always great talking to you.

Thanks AUNTIE Chai! HAHAHA! Your pretty awesome too but I guess you know that already.

Haha! Thanks!

(emphasis mine)

Why? Because that's what parents do. I know you'll hate this line, but you WILL understand when and if you are a parent. We have to make decisions for you your whole life and then one day, you're old enough to make your own and sometimes it's hard for parents to realize that. Maybe your dad is privy to information he knows (or thinks he knows) you can't yet handle. I know you think 13 is old enough but there are still things you are not emotionally ready for. I think you deserve an answer but maybe not the answer you are quite looking for.

This could be the most cut and dry situation with a simple answer or it could be complicated, messy and ugly. We don't know you like your dad so maybe you aren't ready to handle it just yet. Maybe you are. No one can really say but I think you need to at least breech the topic with your father to get the ball rolling. Any information at this point is more than you have now. And he can always tell you that there are some things you just aren't ready to know.

Well, because that's our job. <sigh>

Gracie,

You're supposed to challenge everything your parents/teachers/adults tell you at this age. Every single one of us was 13 at one time and I think, if we're honest - ladies especially, men were more likely to challenge adult authority around 18 - we'd recall those days of thinking that we were much more mature and ready for the real world than any adult gave us credit for, particularly our own parents.

Some neighborhoods have a "second Mom", that house where all the early teens tend to congregate and lament about how much their own parents don't understand them. You've found a whole community of second moms/dads here. That's wonderful. And it's NORMAL!

I recall my 13-14 experience very well. My family refers to one portion of it as "the summer J was 14". It was very memorable. We've all been through it. We get it. We aren't trying to tell you not to be 13. On the other hand, we're trying to tell you that your dad was 13 once too (or 17-18, in his case). Chances are he had his own period of thinking his parents lived on a different planet.

I remember when my older daughter, K, was 14. It was a very traumatic time in this household. I sat on the couch one morning, looked skyward/heavenward, and apologized to my mother for not understanding at 14 what it meant to be a parent.

You and your dad both have roles. Yours is to be Gracie, the wonderful 13-year-old that you are who thinks she should be treated as an adult. Your dad's role is to pull back on that and to try to let go just a little bit so that you don't rebel completely while realizing that you're not the little girl you used to be or the adult you will be some day.