Parent doesn’t want girls to be friends

I'm sorry, Linkat. That's very rough on you and your daughter (and probably the other girl too). No advice other than to give her lots of hugs and let her know that it could be that the mom just wants to push her daughter to developing better friendships with kids at her own school. That's not a negative about your daughter in any way, although it's hard for her not to see it as one.

I don't have children but you do have my prayers and good thoughts. It's such a shame when things like this happen. I guess that other mother didn't take into consideration what it might do to her daughter and your daughter.

Well I guess great minds think alike. This is precisely what I mentioned to my daughter - that perhaps she wants your friend to be able to make new friends at high school.

My daughter said that wasn't the case. Not sure if she mentioned it or not. But my daughter sounded strongely that wasn't the case. However, it is tough to know if her mom isn't saying anything.

My husband mentioned maybe because we haven't attended church lately. I also was thinking that perhaps her mom doesn't like my daughter's competitive side.

Whatever the case may be - you cannot possibly know if some one doesn't tell you.

Thanks - that the tough part - you don't know her reasoning - although it probably wouldn't matter any way.

It seems odd as her mom is a teacher's aid at my daughters' school and has not made mention of it to me. I often times drive as a chaperone to school events and often times her daughter is in my car. She doesn't seem to have issue with that.

They are extremely conservative - I mean I am a bit, but not to their family's degree so who knows.

Do you ever see this woman around? You know, to start a conversation and see what's up?

The only thing I can think is that the mom thinks her daughter, going into high school, is too old for her now?
How old your daughter?

My daughter is 12 (will be 13 this fall). The girl is 14. I thought it a great mentor type relationship. They are alike in that they are mature often times in the way the handle themselves as in protecting younger kids and standing up for what is right.

Yeah I told my daughter that - but my daughter didn't buy it. She said no that is not it.

Not sure if she is denying or knows from conservations.

And I'd possibly see her around come school time. I don't know her well enough to be direct about the subject. Although I thought of something a bit less direct - how about - kind of sad not to see our girls around each other any more. Or something around those lines.

Yes, that was definitely my thought too.

My daughter has a dynamic sort of like that going on now. Her very good friend Kay can be quite dependent on sozlet. Earlier this summer she was sending off 30 text messages a day before sozlet woke up -- "r u there??" "r u awake yet??" etc. etc. Then after that went on for a while, with requests to see sozlet pretty much daily, and the next level was getting very worried if sozlet didn't respond right away during daytime hours (after she was likely to be up). "Are you ignoring me? Are you mad at me?" Sozlet was OK with this but was starting to get a little impatient. That had a few rounds, then E.G. overheard Kay (when she was here) grilling sozlet about who her BEST friend was. C is a good friend, but Kay is her best friend, right? Sozlet wasn't completely conclusive -- C is in fact a very good friend -- but she said that she's known Kay longer so yes, Kay is probably her best friend.

Then some more things happened (this is already a bit long, sorry), as one example, sozlet was at home when two friends came over and asked her if she wanted to hang out with them. They then went to a block party where Kay happened to be. Kay wanted to hang out with sozlet but not with the friends -- sozlet wouldn't dump the friends who brought her to hang out with Kay. Kay took that as a purposeful dis, (even though sozlet went back to the party, alone, after her friends left just to find Kay, who was on her way out) and then the next day at the pool when they ran into each other Kay said she didn't want to hang out with sozlet.

To sozlet that was out of the blue -- I was happy for text messages in this instance so I knew context. (The messages go to our shared iPod, which Kay knows.) It's come up before that Kay's mom and older sister have advised her to branch out and find other people, and not be so dependent on sozlet.

Anyway, they seem to be mostly on speaking terms now (I still don't quite know what's up -- sozlet thinks everything is fine but I'm not sure if Kay does), but I can easily see that with just a bit of prodding from older sister/ mom, the relationship could've been cut off completely.

Could someone have started a malicious rumor about your daughter?

Does she Facebook?

You might want to poke around just to be sure and safe.

No facebook allowed. She does not have an account - she has been asking for one when she turns 13, but I do not want her to have one.

Also, I highly doubt this girl would have one, her family is extremely conservative. Although this girl is 14 - she does not have a cell phone (not that there is anything wrong with that - just a clue into it); she can only be on the computer during a certain hour - how my daughter gets text messages from her. Just during that time frame.

One other odd thing that I just remembered. This girl as I said is good with the little kids. My 8 year old loves her. And when they see each other, they will hug. Her mom says not to hug her any more. Odd things like that.

It does seem worth it to broach the subject -- maybe in terms of "just wanted to make sure that my daughter didn't do anything inappropriate...." Not that you think she actually did, but as a way to find out what's up.

Boomer makes a good point too, if your daughter's on FB or anything similar. Though I guess it doesn't have to be FB.

I think it could just be a combination of JPB's idea (making new friends) the too-dependent idea (she's close to your daughter but doesn't have many other friends) and something about the mom thinking that it would hurt her daughter's social status to be good friends with a younger girl. I know one girl who is entering high school in the fall and she is suddenly full of attitude and not wanting to have anything to do with "little kids."

Your daughter's friend is non-cliquey, which is good, but maybe that's a concern of the mom's and she wants her daughter to actually be clique-ier. (I've had a thread percolating for a while that's something like "Jill of all cliques, master of none..." the idea that, you're not fully accepted into any group if you're a member of other groups at the same time.)

Anyway, I think it was mean of the mom to do this at all but especially to not say anything about the why of it.

Hmm. Now I'm wondering if the age doesn't really have anything to do with it one way or another... if she's just trying to keep her daughter isolated. (The restricted computer time, etc.)

What kind of a school does this girl go to?

How did she and your daughter become friends?

Wow, I just can't imagine controlling my daughter's friendships, at any age.
I did once bar one of her friends from the house, after I caught her stealing some of Court's stuff. But I made clear to Courtney that the friendship after that was entirely her choice.

I'm thinking it may be something about her own daughter and not other people's daughters then.

Maybe she caught her daughter doing something she considers inappropriate and she wants to keep her away from younger kids for that reason. Maybe her daughter was accused of fondling some kid.....? Maybe some mom complained saying she didn't want this older girl touching her kids....?

I think it's very odd, not to mention unfair, that the mom wouldn't give her a reason. I think she must have something against your family - why else would she tell her not to hug your 8 year old?? That's just bizarre.

If you think it might make a difference, I would certainly ask what's going on. She's got to know that you know, that your daughter would have mentioned it. That's the only way you're going to find out, since she's so tight-lipped with her daughter.

Weird. Strange. Odd. Peculiar. And sad for the girls. How can you understand or accept what's going on with no information?

Do you think that the mother is irrationally believing this relationship is/was turning toward the romantic girlfriend side? Maybe she misinterpreted something her daughter might have confided in her regarding the friendship?

Oh! That could be it. Maybe she's afraid her daughter is gay and thinks that by discouraging her close friendship with other girls that she can be dissuaded from this path.

Are you sure it's actually the mom?

When I first read this earlier today I wondered if your daughter's friend might be trying to break up the friendship herself, but blame it on mom to make it easier on herself and your daughte.

"well, you know I'd love to, but my mother doesn't want me to"

It's a classic.

I suspect it's that the girl wants to end the friendship and is using the "mom says no" tactic. She is going into high school and your daughter is "a baby" compared to the cool high school kids.

That would be my best guess.