Parent doesn’t want girls to be friends

Yeah I'm maybe thinking something like that also.

That's better than assuming the worst, and jumping to the worst conclusion, like the girl is gay and making passes at other girls.

I think the limited amount of friend thing - has to do with their school (or in this case this girl's former school). It is a small school and as the grades get higher, the amount of kids drop off - there were only 6 kids in her 8th class. So with 4 girls and with her personality, she is friends with some younger kids as well.

I do think her family shelters her a bit - I know several years ago she did attend public school and had difficulty making friends - she is very sweet, but can come across as being "too good", really not sure how to phrase it, but when I first met this girl she came across as being overally smart as in I know more than you. But it isn't really the way she is - so I think she both picky in her friendships (part of her family's influence?) and she can come across as seeming like she thinks she is better than others.

They went to a Christian school together - maybe you got the jist in above - that went through 8th grade. Now she will be going to the public high school.

That is what I discussed with my daughter. I told her, it is her parents decision, but I would not do that to her. I told it in my opinion it isn't fair not to explain why - and if that were to happen, where I didn't approve of a friend, I'd explain to her why, but most likely allow her to make the decision of keeping the friendship.

I'm not sure she would tell me - that is my gut.

I was also wondering - her daughter did sleep over one night, and my husband and I had wine with our dinner. The girls ate earlier and were not in the room when we were eating. We didn't get sloshed, just normal Friday night dinner with a glass of wine. They may be so conservative that they do not approve of any drinking.

But even prior to that, they were sort of stand offish - like I got the impression, they really didn't want her to sleep over.

Don't know - it just didn't occur to me.

I mean they both have talked about boys and tease each other about what boys they like/that like them. She has a younger brother in my daughter's class that has a huge crush on my daughter so she naturally teases her about it.

Of course this is a possibility, but it doesn't "sit" right. Last week she emailed my daughter (she does have an email account), and told her she would be at her brothers' track meet at a certain time to see if she wanted to come as they haven't seen each other since school ended (and after repeated trying to get together).

So my husband brought her and left her there with her and their family. This girl gave her a headband that she thought my daughter would like. And they seemed very happy to see one another.

But who knows with teenagers?

Oh teenagers - don't I have a tale to tell now....
For starters, high school is very intimidating and from my daughter's own assumption: it can be very cruel too! If you are not part of the "in crowd" or
at least have your group of friends, high school can be a lonely and burdensome experience. Sophomore are rarely friends with freshman, let alone juniors or seniors. Unless it's a boy dating younger girl thing, it seems inappropriate to them to hang out with younger kids. They're ridiculed for that and ostracized. So many new rules and social skills are acquired in high school, it's sometimes mind boggling to me. Of course, this is in addition to them fighting the awkwardness of puberty, drugs, sex, and what else comes into the equation.

I think, the mom wants to protect her daughter of being ridiculed for having younger friends once she enters public high school. She surely must know that their ultra conservative background won't give her daughter a good start into high school, she probably hopes that her daughter will make at least some friends there. It seems that the girl has found the perfect friend in your daughter and the mother is afraid that her daughter won't make any efforts to find other high school friends.

I could see that and understand it.

The girls are still communicating with each other - it doesn't seem like she is banned from communicating with my daughter - just that she isn't allowing her to come over our house - they keep having reasons why she can't.

My daughter is going to birthday party for an 8th grader today (a year older in grade) - her softball teammate. And I think she is the only teammate invited. My daughter does have a diverse group of friends which is nice - school mates (from her Christian school); teammates from the local town/and some further on her AAU team/neighborhood friends. She is very fortunate that way.

That was going to be my next question -- where exactly do things stand? It sounds like there hasn't been an edict from the mom: "You may not see or communicate with Linkat's daughter." More that on several occasions she hasn't been allowed to come over to your house. But they saw each other on neutral ground, and they're texting etc.

Has your daughter gone to her house?

How many times has this happened (a turned-down invite to come over)? Any chance that there really were just scheduling conflicts? (One of sozlet's friends thought sozlet was shunning her when actually it just kept being bad timing.)

What sort of communication have your daughter and her friend had about this so far?

My daughter has not gone to their house. Her parents don't like other kids coming over because their place is "a mess." My take from conservations - they rent a very small house - there are 6 of them so it is more very cluttered and crowded so it would be even more so with another kid coming over to play. And this has been since the two of them have been good friends.

The turn downs have been going on since at least the beginning of summer. Pretty much weekly.

This is the second time, that her friend said "My mom doesn't want me to be friends with you and she won't tell me why." But my daughter makes it sound stronger than that - like my mom won't let me be friends with you.

Again - I'm intreperting from a 12 year old, but not a dramatic 12 year old.

Gotcha. I was curious about how this girl communicated that info to your daughter, if she did.

I am still leaning towards the the thesis that the mom wants the daughter to focus on high school friends (as CJ, JPB and I have laid out).

But this latest info makes me wonder if there is some sort of anxiety about lack of reciprocity as well? This is something else we've definitely dealt with. I have one kid, I'm deaf (so I don't care if kids are running around being loud), and I have a pretty good-sized house, and I absolutely don't care if kids come over here more than sozlet goes over to their house. But there was concern from some parents who worried about that. I was feeding their kids, taking them places, etc., and they were uncomfortable with the lack of balance there. But the family I have in mind is also large (same #, 6 total) and also has a small house and is insanely busy all of the time (all of the kids are active with sports etc.) and I understand that it's harder for them to host than for us to host. We definitely had to have a conversation about that though.

So I talked to my daughter today to try to get more specifics without pushing (so she wouldn't get upset).

My daughter's words were "Her mom doesn't like her to be friends with me. Her mom does not like me."

Then a bit later she got a call from another friend at school. They are both in the same grade, but she also is friends with this older girl. The girl in the same grade said, I don't think her mom likes me either. When my daughter told me this, I said "who does her mom like?"

Then my daughter had an email from this older friend now saying she could possibly sleep over, if my daughter attended VBS (vacation Bible school). Tough as it is in the evening during the week of her and her sister's playoffs (if they make it) softball games. I told her we would try to bring her or have another parent bring her as the games are at the same time as the games (on the nights she doesn't play her sister does/hubby coaches both and it is difficult for me to get home in time to get her to VBS on time).

What's your feeling on the VBS thing? Is it a virtue sort of idea (if your daughter does this good Christian thing, then the older girl can sleep over) or is it just convenience?

Is the older girl asking you to bring her to VBS? (Not sure I totally followed that part.)

It is a convenience thing - at least in part. She said if my daughter was there, then we could bring her daughter home. My take is the daughter is pushing her mom so she can sleep over. It could also be in part, her mom "encouraging" my daughter to attend.

I don't mind them attending any way - it is at their school and both our girls have attended in previous years - when we were able to bring them. They like it as they get to see their friends and it is a fun atsmosphere for them. I'm not against it at all, just sometimes difficult with the timing.

OK... so sounds like the mom is relenting, anyway. That's encouraging.

Maybe if you go ahead with the sleepover you can have some sort of contact with the mom that will shed more light on things.

I'll feel it out - not sure if the direct route is best - so I hear you don't like the girls being friends, what's the deal? Or indirect, oh too bad the girls can't see each other more...

She is hard to read. She's always been friendly with me - certainly not like we have deep conversations, but we have talked and chatted.

Wow, this put the whole situation in a new light for me.

When you had brought up the thought that maybe the mother objected to the use of alcohol, I thought "I think even teetotalers ususally don't object to someone else having a glass of wine with their dinner" I mean one glass of wine, with food, isn't going to make you drunk.

Now though, I'm seeing just how religiously conservative they are. Wanting to basically make a condition of friendship (not even that, a "maybe" we can do a sleepover) that anyone they are social with follows their own faith, and participates in the same exact activities.

Does this mother realize that her daughters going to be in high school classes with a lot of potentially great friends, who just so happen don't attend VBS? Or don't belong to your religion?

If this is how she's going to allow to kid to have friends in high school, she's setting the girl up to have a really tough time.
Not to mention life after high school.

So, basically the mother is saying "you can only be friends with people who believe the same things I do."

My husband had this thought as well. We had been regularly attending the church where they attend as this is also where their school is so the kids have lots of friends there. However, there is only one service and it is not always easy for us and it is futher away than some others.

With my kids being active in sports - I know it sounds bad like this is our priority, but it is what the kids love, we had difficulty attending their services so we have cut them down. And my opinion is - it is more important how you live your day to day life than making sure you attend every church related event.

They on the other hand are extremely involved in this church. Pretty much attending anything involved in it. So, yes they have different priorities which is fine.

And I agree with what else you state and have concern for this girl as she is sheltered in many ways as a result. One big reason our girls first got involved in sports was so they could meet other girls in their community that may not be just like them - ie ya gotta live in the real world...

I've found it a great way to balance for them. For example, my daughter attending the party yesterday - she came back and told me how many of the other girls sworn alot - and I talked to her about it. They probably feel it is cool, but you don't have to do that and it doesn't mean they are bad girls. I mean even if she is a "good" girl, she is going to have to deal with these things so I want her to have the confidence to do so.

Oy, I don't know what to say here, as I would not be as accommodating as you are. I just don't get it when religious fanatics make it a condition for their children and friends to be the same.

Incidentally, my daughter (when she still was attending catholic school) had
a friend whose parents were ultra religious. The kid was so brain washed, she saw a sin lurking around every corner. She started having anxiety attacks and was seeing a therapist for that. Little did the parents know that they resp. their ultra religious views were the cause of all this. I did not get involved but wished I could have told them what they're doing to that poor child is so wrong.....