Parent doesn’t want girls to be friends

I guess I am not necessarily being accomodating as it would be likely that one or both would attend some nights at this vacation Bible school. They have in the past. It is just that we have 2 girls in travel softball and both their teams are doing well where they may make the playoffs and championship game. My husband coaches both teams - the games are that week - so Monday through Thursday one of them could likely be in a game during the same time as this Bible school.

We'd just have to shuffle a few things if my daughter wanted to go. We've done this for all sorts of activities in the past.

How does your daughter feel about this? Does she want to go to VBS regardless of the sleepover hook?

Linkat, I know it's not so much a big deal for you and you would do it to make your daughter happy, what gets to me is how manipulating the girls parents are. Why can't they just be happy that their daughter (who is already a recluse) has found a great friend in your daughter.

I have met so many parents who forced their own religious fanaticism onto
their children and the outcome was always painful for the children. I am just thinking of one mother who insisted that her daughter be abstinent until marriage. She sent her from one bible camp to the next and by the time she was 19 years old, she was pregnant and the parents disowned her. Sad, sad stories come from religious fanaticism.

Under normal circumstances, if she knew some of her friends would be going, she'd ask to go on the nights she did not have softball. It is more the juggling for us so we didn't mention it.

I don't know - maybe her family likes her to be recluse. She did have several friends at her birthday, so she isn't friendless. She just doesn't have extensive friends outside a certain circle.

I know she had difficulty in public school before, she told me about it once when I was chaporoning a field trip. I had asked her when she was "newer" at the school (her family had been attending the church) how she liked it and she filled me in on how she didn't really have much friends and how she didn't like the kids at the public school. Now going into high school (this school ends at 8th grade) she has no option - I honestly believe the church is either paying or supplementing their tuition/they do this for certain cases.

And nice family you mention - showing lots of Christian forgiveness (assuming they are Christian) and not judging others.

This is off subject, but I have known this to happen to several girls who were raised in what I would consider a fanatically relgious atmosphere. It's like they either never had the opportunity to learn about self control, or at the first taste of honey, forgot about the consequences.

but on the one hand, I don't feel that are that fanatical. The parent is not saying she cannot see my daughter, but she doesn't like them being friends. She is allowing some leeway - but a very short string.

You're right, it was just that talking about the mother reminded me of such situations.

I agree.
I have been reading along. I was raised in an intensely religious small catholic family. I'm around the same age as some others raised catholic on a2k, and we had differing experiences in similar years, so I'll say there are different cultures even of 50's catholicism, especially within different schools and differing regions. I was a novena ridden teen, family friend of missionaries, family friend of the Fatima promoter, extremely anxiously scrupulous, as in even worried about accepting temptation while reading an ordinary magazine - did I accept it or not, did I accept it or not; recruited heavily for the convent.

I don't really blame my parents, it was their culture. I was lucky that my father was philosophy oriented and much wiser than my mother in many ways. I was lucky to snap out of it, and it took me several years. I consider the strong religiosity and reclusiveness a kind of abuse, but not usually one meant as abusive, which is the catch 22.

Re how reclusive Linkat's parents in question are or aren't, it's a troubling pattern to me, if it is based on religion in part.

I started to snap out of it when I got a job after school and on weekends at sixteen, in a catholic hospital. Even then I was convent bait at seventeen.. for a few months.

Ok, so I did get a little more info.

This girl was finally granted permission to go to an amusement park with us (which they have been talking about all summer). I reached out to the mom about it and also to see if she could sleep over that night. The mom never called me back - she had her daughter email my daughter to let her know it was OK.

So I go pick her up that morning - I could tell her mom did not really approve. But after talking with the girls - I get more info. Seems her mom did not want her to, but her dad stepped in and said go ahead and let her, it will be fun for her.

Also, this girl told me how she was seeing a guidance counselor because she did not have any friends in school. She told me that she had made her first friend in sixth grade. (a year after she attended this school with my daughter). She said her mom explained she probably just wants to be quiet as with her 2 brothers it is so loud at home. It seems mom had convinced (whether it was true or not I cannot possibly know) her that was the case.

She also spoke about how popular my daughter is - to be honest I think she is just pretty normal not overally popular - maybe well liked.

I feel pretty bad for her.

Oh another thing I remembered, my daughter told me afterwards that this girl said she doesn't think my daughter is a Christian - one reason she doesn't want her to be friends. My husband and I talk about this all the time - how it is important to be friends or get along with all sorts of people whether they have the exact beliefs you do or not - I mean that is part of real life.

That's damn creepy Linkat.

Maybe I feel that way because I just re-watched "The Virgin Suicides" the other day or maybe because it's just frikken creepy.

I'm going with plain ole' frikken creepy.

I'm glad her dad seems a bit more reasonable.

I'm glad your daughter has been persistent in keeping in touch.

thanks for the update linkat.

I'm glad the dad stepped in.

And she also says that her parents don't like her - and that her youngest sister is spoiled. They go to restaurants and do not bring her - I wonder how much is normal "my parents don't like me stuff" and/or made up and how much is real.

She seems to read alot at home and not do much else as far as play or have fun - at least this is the information I've been provided. She is a bit socially arkward with kids her age, but is very open and talks well with adults.

Wow, poor kid.

Thanks for the additional info, a clearer picture is emerging. As others have said, thank goodness for the dad.

So my daughter came home from her school BB practice with tears in her eyes. I asked what is wrong - this older friend was expected to be at the practice as her two brothers are on two of the teams my husband coaches so she was planning on coming along.

My daughter's friend call her E-- did not show up. Her brother and my daughter's classmate, said it is because their mother thinks my daughter is a "bad influence" on her. My poor daughter that rarely cries was in tears. I'm telling you if that mom were in front of me then - she probably would have been punched in the face.

Not sure what the heck her problem is - my daughter was number one in her class last year, her teachers tell me thank you as my daughter does not get involved in the girl drama, she often times helps out the younger kids in school and stands up for them if an older child bullies or teases them. She even received recently a hand written thank you note from another classmate whom she help study and he thanked her for helping him increase he grades in that class.

Sounds like a really bad influence, huh.

That sucks Linkat, sorry.

Could it be about religion?

It could be, however, my daughter attends the youth group regularly - so it isn't like she ain't participating.

Weird.

Do you think maybe this girl got in trouble for something and somehow blamed your daughter?

Is it possible she said something like "At Linkat's house everyone get's to ___________".

Do you think your daughter's popularity is somehow being read as you being overly permissive?

When it gets to the point that she is saying nasty stuff like "bad influence" about your daughter it's time to knock on her door and as what the heck is going on.

Yep, if my adolescent daughter came home in tears because someone's parent said she was a bad influence I'd be making a phone call.