A friend of ours hit our child - what should we do?

@aidan,

Quote:

I have to tell you, I can't picture anyone I've ever known under any circumstance grabbing my child and flinging him or her to the ground.

Given the way the OP exaggerates we dont know that this is what happened. We know that the guy was upset and that he put his hands on the kid, which is not good, but for more than they we should insist upon hearing his side of the story before concluding that we know what happened. The kid very well may have done a flop because he was pissed that hands were on him, we dont know how he ended up on the ground.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Put yourself in that child's shoes. I am sure the child was pretty shook up. Now, you want this parent to tell their child (by doing nothing) oh we've known them ten years! So we'll just let them get away with throwing you to the ground. You know what that child hears, hawkeye? I can tell you what that child hears 'MY PARENTS DON'T LOVE ME ENOUGH TO KEEP ME SAFE!"

I know from experience that is how a child sees it. 99.9% of everyone else on this thread have made it clear they'd choose their child over the friend. You'd choose the friend. Says more about you than I want to even think about.

You wouldn't understand that since you think spanking and "manhandling" children is acceptable.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

One couple second mistake over ten years and you are ready to say "**** them" ........do you have even one friend with your zero tolerance for humans?

I don't have zero tolerance for humans.... I have zero tolerance for abuse.

I find it interesting that conflate the two groups, though. Is every one of your friends an abusive person?

1 Reply

@Arella Mae,

Quote:

I know from experience that is how a child sees it. 99.9% of everyone else on this thread have made it clear they'd choose their child over the friend. You'd choose the friend. Says more about you than I want to even think about.

I would be doing my kids a disservice if I raised them to think that bad things will never happen to them, or raised them to expect people to be perfect. There is no choosing friend over kid here, there is only choosing to act unreasonably rather than reasonably, the same flaw they accuse their ex friend of.

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@DrewDad,

Quote:

. Is every one of your friends an abusive person?

I have never met a person whom I have gotten to know well that has not been abusive at some point. I seriously doubt that you are 100% non abusive as well. Aggression is a part of humanity, any aggression where the subject does not agree that the aggression is reasonable is considered abuse. Abuse is normal in human interaction.

1 Reply

@wandeljw,

wandeljw wrote:

Most people would be concerned about losing their balance if standing on a fallen tree.

Concerned, yes. You're moving the goalposts, though, when you change his emotional state from "frightened" to "concerned."

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Now you're conflating aggression and abuse.

1 Reply

@odessitka,

First, your child shoud call the police for a criminal assault.

He shoud subsequently sue the tortfeasor for battery,
demanding both compensatory and punitive damages.

David

0 Replies

@DrewDad,

DrewDad wrote:

Now you're conflating aggression and abuse.

Given the low tolerance for humanity among humans today there is now very little difference between aggression and abuse. Look at this thread, where we have a fairly minor bit of aggression on a kid by a long time close family friend and the mother is all set to call the cops because in her mind the kid has been abused. The kid was clearly in need of a lesson, the kid got this lesson while not being hurt, and we need the law?

BTW- what this kid almost certainly is most upset about now is how as a result of his parents going off the rails in rage that the relationship with the friend is over, the parents have made his suffering worse by their extremely poor handling of this event. Had they done the right thing and gotten a promise from this guy to not touch their kids again, and explained to the kid that he was acting badly and the guy did as well, but that people are not perfect and we should all attempt to improve our behavior, then the end result would have been much better than what we have now.....a long friendship over and the boy thinking that it is all his fault, and a boy who knows that he cant count on adults to be reasonable.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Had they done the right thing and gotten a promise from this guy to not touch their kids again, and explained to the kid that he was acting badly and the guy did as well, but that people are not perfect and we should all attempt to improve our behavior, then the end result would have been much better than what we have now

it seems that they did talk to their kid about his behaviour - the guy doesn't appear to understand that he did anything wrong, so it might be hard to get him to promise to not touch their kids (that might be too much like an apology)

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@wandeljw,

wandeljw wrote:

Most people would be concerned about losing their balance if standing on a fallen tree.

A visitor to your home has never travelled on the subway. You go downtown as a group.

Your guest is concerned that they are standing too close to the edge of a subway platform. They want to step back but your daughter is in the way. She doesn't move immediately. In fact, she doesn't move until you ask her to. Your guest yells at her and shoves her against the station wall after they've stepped back.

Seems like a reasonable response?

http://able2know.org/topic/174334-7#post-4663384

1 Reply

@Mame,

Mame wrote:

But I really do believe that part of the problem with kids today is that they have no healthy fear (for want of a better word) and respect for their parents, care-givers, etc. Everyone is so kid-centred today, which I think is really detrimental to them. Adult life does not mirror that, so it's a false state. We all know how annoying it is to have unruly kids ruining your dinner or what-have-you simply because the parents believe the kids should be allowed to be themselves without consideration of other people. That's just wrong.

Quite true.

ehBeth wrote:

If the fear was reasonable, assaulting the child was also reasonable?

No, but it would make it more understandeable. Still, it was quite weird manifestation of anger... People usually get angry gradually, which helps prevent the situation from developing into something like that. From the sound of it the man was seemingly normal in a moment and exploding in the other.

hawkeye10 wrote:

Did it ever occur to you that maybe this guy has spent so much time with your boy over the years that he sort of looked at him at his own? That he reacted to the kid not minding as he would react if his own boy did not mind and was causing a potentially dangerous situation?

After ten years he should have know that they never punished their kids physically as an educational policy. Wasnt it disrespectful to violate that?

Arella Mae wrote:

Put yourself in that child's shoes. I am sure the child was pretty shook up. Now, you want this parent to tell their child (by doing nothing) oh we've known them ten years! So we'll just let them get away with throwing you to the ground. You know what that child hears, hawkeye? I can tell you what that child hears 'MY PARENTS DON'T LOVE ME ENOUGH TO KEEP ME SAFE!"

A very young child yes, but a 11 year old boy should be able to understand that there are people that sometimes lose their temper and do things they didnt really mean to.

2 Replies

@manored,

manored wrote:

A very young child yes, but a 11 year old boy should be able to understand that there are people that sometimes lose their temper and do things they didnt really mean to.

Only if that person apologizes. Otherwise the message is they did what they intended.

2 Replies

@manored,

Quote:

After ten years he should have know that they never punished their kids physically as an educational policy. Wasnt it disrespectful to violate that?

Sure, but we are not all controlled by our brains all the time, and it is unreasonable to expect that we will be. Women especially would be fucked if we truly expected brains and reason to be in control all of the time.

1 Reply

@engineer,

Quote:

Only if that person apologizes. Otherwise the message is they did what they intended.

You are demanding a spontaneous apology, which is unreasonable. What was needed was a pow-wow where both the guy and the kid were given the opportunity to understand each other and apologize for their mistakes. At this point if it where to happen the parents would need to do both as well. All parties have been wrong here, have been fallible humans.

2 Replies

@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

wandeljw wrote:
Most people would be concerned about losing their balance if standing on a fallen tree.

A visitor to your home has never travelled on the subway. You go downtown as a group.

Your guest is concerned that they are standing too close to the edge of a subway platform. They want to step back but your daughter is in the way. She doesn't move immediately. In fact, she doesn't move until you ask her to. Your guest yells at her and shoves her against the station wall after they've stepped back.

Seems like a reasonable response?

http://able2know.org/topic/174334-7#post-4663384

This is the second time you have asked me about "reasonable response." I am only stating that the man's fear or concern should not be dismissed.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

but we are not all controlled by our brains all the time, and it is unreasonable to expect that we will be.

If he can't control his impulses, then it's pointless to continue the dialog. (It'd be like taking your kid around a dog that's already shown itself to be aggressive.) If he can control his impulses, then he should have done so at the time.

hawkeye10 wrote:

Women especially would be fucked if we truly expected brains and reason to be in control all of the time.

1 Reply

@wandeljw,

wandeljw wrote:

This is the second time you have asked me about "reasonable response." I am only stating that the man's fear or concern should not be dismissed.

Maybe I'm missing something, but didn't he attack the kid after the danger was past?

I'm allowed to defend myself, but only while an attack is occurring. If my attacker starts running away, I'm not allowed to chase him down beat the crap out of him (however much I may want to do so).

1 Reply

@DrewDad,

Quote:

If he can't control his impulses, then it's pointless to continue the dialog. (It'd be like taking your kid around a dog that's already shown itself to be aggressive.) If he can control his impulses, then he should have done so at the time.

The people who attempt to lock down their impulses are the most scary people that I have ever met. I avoid them at all costs.

1 Reply

@DrewDad,

DrewDad wrote:

wandeljw wrote:
This is the second time you have asked me about "reasonable response." I am only stating that the man's fear or concern should not be dismissed.

Maybe I'm missing something, but didn't he attack the kid after the danger was past?

I'm allowed to defend myself, but only while an attack is occurring. If my attacker starts running away, I'm not allowed to chase him down beat the crap out of him (however much I may want to do so).

You are missing that I am NOT talking about the man's response.

2 Replies

A friend of ours hit our child - what should we do?

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