27
   

A friend of ours hit our child - what should we do?

 
 
hawkeye10
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 09:08 pm
@cicerone imposter,
cicerone imposter wrote:

Confront them immediately, and tell them never to hit their child again, but to let you know when the child misbehaves.

Generally people do allow the parents to take care of any kid problems, in my experience most of the time when this is not done it is because the parents are useless when it comes to controlling their kids. I would want to hear from the guy in question before I agreed that anything more than what you advise is in order. In almost all cases turning a friend over to the state is betrayal however, and is not justified.
0 Replies
 
odessitka
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 09:09 pm
@cicerone imposter,
Unfortunately, we more likely won't ever be seeing them again so they won't have another chance.
Lash
 
  2  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 09:14 pm
@odessitka,
I would never be able to continue a friendship with anyone who treated my child that way. Threw him to the ground?! Oh hell no. The guy was likely really afraid of his situation in the tree or something - or maybe had HAD IT with your kid if he "took his time" responding to adult admonitions all day. Regardless, he had no right to put his hands on your kid.

He may have poor impulse control when it comes to anger - and it does cause worry about how he treats his children and his wife.

I think I'd send him a letter telling him what options you considered, why his actions were wrong, ...and that he has ended the relationship between the families..and that you hope he doesn't abuse his own precious children similarly...with a number to an anger management therapist. A matter of fact tone would be better than something seeming angry or vindictive.

I'd write it with the knowledge that anyone can do anything with something written...

His poor family.
cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 09:22 pm
@odessitka,
That's your best option. I was conservative in my response, because my response was based on the title of your thread, and there's always two sides to every story. This is something I learned in management; I also listened to the accused about what happened before deciding what to do.

However, I support Lash's response on this issue.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  -3  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 09:33 pm
@Lash,
Quote:

I think I'd send him a letter telling him what options you considered,
A letter from the woman? Hell no, tell hubby to man up and go talk to him, listen to his explanation/apology if he has one, and then decide what to do. Your letter idea is the chick-**** way to deal with this, and is not fair to this guy.

Woman wants to call the cops, Husband does not have it out with the guy for mistreating his kid, kid misbehaves and mother makes excuses for it....I see a pattern here.
Lash
 
  2  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 09:45 pm
@hawkeye10,
I would worry that sending my husband over for a confrontation would wind up with one in the hospital and the other in jail. Bad model for the kid to see the correct way to resolve disputes.

I'd beg my husband not to confront Mr I Can't Control My Temper. But, doing nothing is also wrong. The letter can be from the couple if husband agrees - but the wife is the one here asking. It's what I'd do.

No apology would suffice for me. My children need to see that their parents will make choices to keep them safe. What would the kid think to see the parents socializing with a guy who attacked him? I'd never leave the room with my kids and that guy in it together. I can think of SEVERAL reasons why they should never socialize again.
gungasnake
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 09:49 pm
@odessitka,
Teach the kid to box:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ksuNR7pxcU
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 09:57 pm
I agree with Thomas that that was not 'hitting' and with Dlowan that it was minor assault. Next time, it would be helpful if you used correct terminology so we aren't misdirected.

I don't think ANYbody should touch anybody in that manner, period, his kids or your kids. That was totally wrong.

Only you know if your friendship with this long-term friend-couple should be terminated over that without a conversation about it. Did you talk to him about it at the time or shortly after? If not, you were remiss. You should have, if only to clarify things for yourselves. I probably would have said something like, "Whoa!!! Don't touch my kid like that!! And don't speak to him that way, either!" and seen what his reaction was and gone from there. You have to set boundaries, unfortunately, and everybody's boundaries are different. But if that was the first time he'd ever done that, and you were good long-time friends, and your son provoked him, however unknowingly, I don't know that I'd write the friendship off. Only you know if that's the best route to take.

Kids will be kids. He should have listened at least the second time, but being a kid, he didn't. If he's normally not disrespectful, that's a one-off. Regardless, he shouldn't have been subjected to that treatment, but I'm sure he's probably over it, and long before you will be. Enough.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 10:01 pm
@Lash,
Quote:
I would worry that sending my husband over for a confrontation would wind up with one in the hospital and the other in jail. Bad model for the kid to see the correct way to resolve disputes.
So what you are saying here is that our OP and her husband are an extra-ordinary bad judge of character, after all this guy is a long time friend and now all of the sudden because of one event we need to be concerned that he might beat up the husband....Melodramatic much?

Quote:
I'd beg my husband not to confront Mr I Can't Control My Temper.
ONE event over a long friendship, one that might have an explanation that partly justifies his action, and you have him down as "Mr I cant control my temper"? Wow, that is a hard core fundamentalist approach. I was under the impression that you liberals were more understanding, more willing to listen and consider than that. I must have been wrong.

Quote:
No apology would suffice for me
Probably would not for me either, as I dont have much good to say about people who try to deal with my kids when I am around. But there would be a conversation, to include listening on my part before I decided what to do.
Eva
 
  2  
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 10:29 pm
Or you could just hit him. Twisted Evil





Sorry, I couldn't resist.
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 06:56 am
@Thomas,
Thomas wrote:

Odessitka, you're new here, so I'd like to point out that Fido is to Able2Know what village idiots are to villages. I suggest you ignore him.
Did you ever see Cool Hand Luke??? All that: What we have here is a failure to communicate was, was a comment on new wave parenting where we connunicate rather than correct children... I don't like the idea of being hard on children... The law don't like it either... They will tap a child on the hand and say: Bad Boy, or Bad Girl, and the kid never takes the lesson from it that they will some day grow up, and the legal system will throw the book at them and their lives in great part will be spent among people who will make them look like Sunday schoolers, but not improve them one bit.. Some kids don't get it any other way... Even a spanking or a serious beating won't help them...

But having been victimized by my children and having thrown the fear of sweet Jesus into one early on, I can say that the one who had the fear turned out the best with the least problems... I regret it... I truly regret it, but my kid who knows her rights, and threaten me because she knows I don't want to spend good money defending myself from the law and baseless charges has no ability to regret... I will try to use my influence... But mostly, one way or the other I will get away from her, and she can belong to the state, and they can communicate with her and see how much fun that is... How did your kids turn out???...
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 07:08 am
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:

Odessitka, you're new here, so I'd like to point out that Thomas lives to split hairs and find some obscure argument against common sense.

I know what you mean by calling that hitting, even though some need to call it pushing to the ground in a manner that could have caused harm.

Like has been said, I personally wouldn't file a report, and would just write off this person as a friend.
We are not getting the whole story... Maybe the friend sees something in the child the parents refuse to see... I have seen some parents defend their kids right into the jail house when showing a little doubt and dealing with the facts might have saved them and their children a little pain... I had some neighbors once... The woman had three boys who were the terror of the neighborhood... They were thieves and would destroy your stuff if you called them on their theiving... To mom, they could do no wrong, but they were not fooliing anyone but her... I did very little to try to straighten them out, and it cost me four of the best tires I ever owned... Well; they were beyond help and when they moved, I celebrated the fact that they were not my problem... But they were everyone's problem, really.. Kids like that never learn because they do not learn from friends, family, and neighbors...
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  0  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 07:16 am
@odessitka,
odessitka wrote:

Thanks! His post gave me a good laugh, though! He obviously shouldn't be taken seriously!
Karl Marx was one of the first people to realize that children needed protection from their parents, but parents often need protection from their children, the children they create and refuse to shepard into adulthood... All I can tell you is that you will get the child you deserve... Some times we do not, but if you do all you can and it is sufficient, then you will have the child you deserve... I don't like violence... It is a last resort and should remain last... But don't think your kids will not learn it simply because you do not teach it, and that they will not some day kill you in your sleep... Let them have contempt for you as powerless and impudent... Show them they can lie to you, and you will swallow it hook, line and sinker... The wonder you call family is destined for failure...
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  0  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 07:23 am
@odessitka,
odessitka wrote:

One really good laugh every day, and you'll live until 100. Thank you for your hilarious post. I'm a very strict mother, my kids are very well-behaved, they would never even think about calling 911 and report their parents. They help us, and respect us and other adults. We are happy to have such kids. If all the kids you've met in your life were "disrespectful asses", I'm very sorry for you. I really am.
Not all of them... One of my children is boarderline, and many of the kids in regular school are boarderline, and the inability to parents and teachers to deal with their own problems as they arise, the over legislation of relationships does not help in the least... Kid who turn out poorly will be punished and they will do most of it themselves; but do not think they will not punish all of us in the process of bringing their lives to a miserable conclusion... Dr. Johnson noted a long time ago, that when children were not beat for failing their lessens, what they lost on one end they lost on the other... Love and influence have their limits... Parents need real authority and that goes for surragate parents in schools as well...
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 07:26 am
@hawkeye10,
hawkeye10 wrote:
I was under the impression that you liberals


errrr Lash isn't a liberal (I always thought you thought you were a liberal ... collective and all that silliness)
Fido
 
  1  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 07:27 am
@cicerone imposter,
cicerone imposter wrote:

Confront them immediately, and tell them never to hit their child again, but to let you know when the child misbehaves.

You know; A native once told a white that they beat their horses, but not their children... But the children got early experience with cutting and burning captives and knew that was what they would get if they lost the support of their society, and were put out... We save that sort of knowledge, the knowledge of all the terrors that await the wayward until it is far too late to stop it...
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 07:29 am
@odessitka,
odessitka wrote:
The man in question occasionally spanks and shakes his own kids, but we never looked at him as a violent person.


you might want to reconsider how you view him and others
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 07:45 am
@ehBeth,
Absolutely.

0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 09:12 am
@odessitka,
Quote:
I'm afraid the friendship is at an end anyway - my husband told me he doesn't want him near our kids ever again. What if our younger daughters are in his way next time - he'll go ahead and hit them, too? I personally can't imagine myself having anything in common with a person who hit my child. He didn't even say he's sorry, he was yelling at me and my husband that he didn't do anything wrong. His wife e-mailed with apologies later in the day, but not him, he won't apologize.


I think you have your answer here. Your friendship is ending; your husband doesn't want him near your kids - don't blame him ... You don't have anything in common ... he didn't say he was sorry..

I'd break up with them - I agree that you should not confront this man - he sounds like an angry man; no sense in causing more violence. I wouldn't bother with the courts; it will be a pain in the a$$ and you may get no where.

I think the best thing is to count your losses in a sense. If you want closure in a sense, I'd respond back to the wife's email and thank her for her apology and then explain since you do not share the same values, you wish them well, but prefer to have no further contact with them.

Speak to your child about the inappropriate behaviour of the adult. Are their kids close to your kids? That is the only problem I'd see.
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  0  
Reply Mon 11 Jul, 2011 09:20 am
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

odessitka wrote:
The man in question occasionally spanks and shakes his own kids, but we never looked at him as a violent person.


you might want to reconsider how you view him and others
Violence usually only teaches violence... It has its place, but too much is simply illegal and pointless... Look at Adoph Hitler... He suffered and may have deserved a great deal of violence from his father, but all he took from it was the value of ultimate violence: Murder... Most kids can figure out not to triffle with adults... Some cannot figure anything out, and violence towards the first group is as wrong as violence on the last group is pointless... Just throw the Yahoos in a cage and feed them regularly, but do not otherwise abuse them... They will do that to each other...
0 Replies
 
 

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