A friend of ours hit our child - what should we do?

I bet that was shocking!!! Your friend should have been put into his place ASAP!!! You also need to explain to your son that you shouldn’t have to repeat yourself 4-5 times for him to comply.

1 Reply

@motherof4,

That's what I said - talk to the guy immediately, saying "Stop!" or something... and later, tell sonny boy to listen up when he's spoken to by an adult. I know he's only 11, but hey, look at what happened. If he'd gotten down immediately, they'd all be living on Cloud 9 as per usual. I see it as a good thing that happened - you found something out about your long-term friend that you don't like - I'm just surprised it took this long.

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@JPB,

JPB wrote:

@linkat
Exactly, which is why he said it was "stupidity" that motivated him to climb up onto the tree to begin with.

I should not speak for JPB, but maybe she is pointing out that the man realized it was a stupid idea and was trying to correct himself. We all do stupid things sometimes.

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@wandeljw,

Quote:

I should not speak for JPB, but maybe she is pointing out that the man realized it was a stupid idea and was trying to correct himself. We all do stupid things sometimes

OMG! Like he realized that leading this kid (and rest of family) up to the tree, thinking that going over was a good idea was stupid, and that he might have been made at himself for getting into this stand off with the kid in the first place by way of being wrong and needing to backtrack? Cant be, as we have already been told here in this thread that he must have been scared, that that was the cause of the outburst, how dare you go and complicate matters with an alternative explanation.

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@wandeljw,

It doesn't matter. He does not get to hit/push the kid to the ground when the child got off the log and then so did he.

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@odessitka,

Quote:

I should not speak for JPB, but maybe she is pointing out that the man realized it was a stupid idea and was trying to correct himself. We all do stupid things sometimes

I have implied that your view is myopic, I have said that you exaggerate and that you were wrong in how you handled this event.

Quote:

Do you have so much free time that you can waste it on reading the useless posts of liars and hypocrites

I am highly interested in the subject of violence and aggression in relationship ( as with all power dynamics in relationship), as well as the subject of child rearing. As I have explained, this is not about you, this is an ongoing debate we conduct here at A2K, your story just happens to lend itself to something we do here.

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

...which accounts for her low tolerance of humanity.

I guess I have to admit I do sometimes have low tolerance of humanity. That's because I'm considerate of other people and the environment, and try to prevent situations when I might hurt others. As a result, I always get at least surprised when people are selfish and act carelessly. You, on the other hand, seem to be one of those who open their car door, hit the car next to them, say 'Oh, I'm sorry!' and expect to hear in reply, 'Oh please, keep doing it, we're all human after all'.
That aside, and sinse it's not the purpose of this thread, I guess I just have to thank you for being that-guy-who-contradicts-everyone-and-the-common-sense-itself-and-by-doing-so-keeps-the-discussion-alive.

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@odessitka,

odessitka wrote:

I guess I just have to thank you for being that-guy-who-contradicts-everyone-and-the-common-sense-itself-and-by-doing-so-keeps-the-discussion-alive.

Totally.

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@odessitka,

Quote:

That aside, and sinse it's not the purpose of this thread, I guess I just have to thank you for being that-guy-who-contradicts-everyone-and-the-common-sense-itself-and-by-doing-so-keeps-the-discussion-alive.

If you were a more careful reader you would know that I am not the only one who holds the opinion that your boy was wrong, or that your conclusion that the ex-friend was outrageously wrong is disputable. I do not feel alone, and it is only because A2K skews liberal (leftist) that my view is the minority here, in other settings it would be in the majority.

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@Mame,

I think I have to argue on this, Mame, even though I get your point and basically agree.
Obeying when 'spoken to by an adult' is not the smartest move.
At three, running after a ball toward a street full of cars, yelled by the parent, yes.
Later, there are more subtleties.
I wanted to post earlier that we don't want to grow child automatons but I didn't gather my words to do that.

Eleven is an interesting age.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

One is assuming the 'adult' is a rational, more experienced being than the child here. If that's not the case, ok, open season. But usually it is. So, inexperienced follows experienced, ie. youth follows adult.

1 Reply

@engineer,

engineer wrote:

Only if that person apologizes. Otherwise the message is they did what they intended.

Like it has been mentioned, some people are too proud to apologize. Off course, being too proud to apologize is no excuse not to. Im just pointing out that not apologizing doesnt necessarly means he really wanted to do that.

hawkeye10 wrote:

Quote:
After ten years he should have know that they never punished their kids physically as an educational policy. Wasnt it disrespectful to violate that?

Sure, but we are not all controlled by our brains all the time, and it is unreasonable to expect that we will be. Women especially would be fucked if we truly expected brains and reason to be in control all of the time.

True, but he did not apologize afteryards. That either means he doesnt think he did wrong, or he is too proud.

But to be proud is to disrespect others, to consider them less important or significant as yourself. And someone who doesnt respect you is generally not someone you want to be friends it.

DrewDad wrote:

If he can't control his impulses, then it's pointless to continue the dialog. (It'd be like taking your kid around a dog that's already shown itself to be aggressive.) If he can control his impulses, then he should have done so at the time.

Some people are more controlled than others, but there's nobody that never loses their head. Considering it was the only time in ten years, there is no reason to believe he is a violent person, what happened was just a major and weird exception caused by unknow factors. Off course, he should offer and apology and an explanation of what led him to do that. But from what odessitka told us, he did neither, what I would call a major disrespect in the very least.

Linkat wrote:

Then dammit you don't stand on a fallen tree! How dumb is that you stand on a fallen tree even though you are concerned about your capability about being balanced? I'd hope a grown adult would then have enough sense not to stand on a fallen tree.

You ask for too much =)

wandeljw wrote:

Hitting a child is always wrong. Examining contributing factors may help prevent situations like this from happening in the future.

I disagree, nothing is always wrong.

Mame wrote:

One is assuming the 'adult' is a rational, more experienced being than the child here. If that's not the case, ok, open season. But usually it is. So, inexperienced follows experienced, ie. youth follows adult.

Thats a frequently unsafe assumption =)

I think that "Obey adults" and "Dont talk to strangers" are two dangerously oversimplified instructions parents give their children.

1 Reply

@odessitka,

Odessitka, sorry I forgot to welcome you to the forum. Don't forget to look at other threads and put your two cents in where appropriate.

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@manored,

Quote:

True, but he did not apologize afteryards. That either means he doesnt think he did wrong, or he is too proud.

Bullshit. it might mean that he is taken aback and offended by the behavior from people whom he has long considered friends, and has thus decided that he does not owe apology. One would need to talk to the guy to find out why he did not apologize, your assumption on why he did not is not supported by evidence and is not the only possible likely reason. .

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Bullshit. it might mean that he is taken aback and offended by the behavior from people whom he has long considered friends, and has thus decided that he does not owe apology. One would need to talk to the guy to find out why he did not apologize, your assumptions on why he did not are unfounded and is not the only possible likely reason. .

That would be unreasonable, considering he is the one that started it by doing something they considered unnaceptable to their kid. Ultimately I would also link that to pride.

1 Reply

@Mame,

I don't buy that. It's an eleven year old kid on a log. This kid may be a klutz or sharp mover - we don't know which. As described, the adult didn't sound hysteric (as in fire twenty feet behind us, or the log is moving).

I think what we have is a basic power maneuver, an adult saying do this and someone growing in self awareness, not just obeying instantly. Or maybe he is what the nuns for us would have called a doppus, slow to act.

(I should start a doppus fund, don't get me started) Many of us fit that in some way.

But I think it's the first, a child not all worried on what someone else would say, an old neighbor telling him whatfore (maybe yet again).
Still, he does not get to whale him (hit, push, etc.) when he didn't obey.

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@manored,

Quote:

That would be unreasonable, considering he is the one that started it by doing something they considered unnaceptable to their kid. Ultimately I would also link that to pride.

It can just as easily be said that the problem started with something that the kid did wrong, and I highly doubt that these parents who are busy making excuses for their kid ever apologized for that. Maybe the real problem is too much pride with the parents? These are the same parents who dont feel the need to talk the situation over with the guy, who coldly cut him off and considered turning him over to the police, what would motivate such poor treatment of a long term close friend other than injured pride..the refusal to accept that their kid was a brat (thus poorly reflecting upon them and their parenting) ?

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@odessitka,

At this point in the discussion, there is one particular issue that stands out to me.
I realize, at this point, you probably wish to terminate the relationship with this friend, and I certainly don't blame you.
However, I am curious as to whether this episode is/isn't out of character for your friend. Over the ten years of your relationship, has your friend given any indication of a tendency toward this type of behavior?
In the case of this being an isolated incident, given the length of the relationship and apparent closeness, I think it might be worth trying to get to the root of the problem. This incident is extremely serious, yet friendships are not always wine and roses.

On the other hand, one of your previous posts contained a litany of faults pertaining to this friend. If that is the case, and not simply the view from your present state of hurt feelings, it probably isn't necessary to attempt an understanding of your exfriend's state of mind.

This is a bad situation all around, but I would hesitate to categorize an isolated incident as abuse. At least, this person acted with disproportionate aggression, constituting assault.

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@wayne,

Wise suggestion.

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@wayne,

Quote:

I think it might be worth trying to get to the root of the problem

Quote:

it probably isn't necessary to attempt an understanding of your exfriend's state of mind.

Contradict yourself much?

1 Reply

A friend of ours hit our child - what should we do?

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