How do you rebuild trust and respect?

Sexually too, Ossobuc


Sorry, fireman, I'm law-ignorant, but I'd still suggest she take a holiday by herself.

I'm being terrorized by a neighbor and I've slept maybe one or two hours a night myself, which really drained all my strength. I'd just lie there wondering what he'd do next and feel the rush of anxiety flooding my system. What was worse, was I couldn't work or concentrate. I'd be reading an article and realize after 10 minutes that I wasn't reading it and was just feeling a free-floating fear of what kind of rock would fall on me the next hour or day.

Then I went to Blogspotdotcom and created a free weblog. Mine was/is private, but one can also have a public one. I opened it under a fake name. It takes less than 5 minutes to start one.

So then, every single day, I wrote down what the shithead was doing, how I was reacting, what I thought his purpose was, and what, if anythng, I could to stop him from hurting me.

The act of getting it all down on the weblog, took it out of my brain and allowed me to not only sleep at night, but to get some insight. It also freed me to create a battle plan.

It might work for you.....I'm just tossing it out there as an idea, OK?

Firemanbud -- I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist too, you need somebody on the ground who's on your side.

I read the email you PM'd me this morning and have to apologize. I had a fairly long reply, but then my computer froze up (grrrrrr) and I had to leave to meet some people, so I'm just getting back to you. I wish I could remember what I said... It is easy for us to be on your side because we're hearing your side, not hers. I have to use the email as "her side" and I have some big questions. One of them is that, if I read it right, she wanted you to take two jobs so she didn't have to work and could care for your children. Two Jobs? You did that for what she called "her debts"? That really sounded unfair to you. I'm amazed that you've got a good relationship at all with your kids if you've been working so much.

If that email was supposed to show her side, if failed for me. I didn't find much that was horrible there. You do sound like you may have a bad attitude to store clerks (Do you? You aren't a racist, are you?), but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Everybody has bad days and I've yelled at my share of people behind the counter. I'm not proud of it, but it doesn't make me a bad person either. Everyday we try to be better.

I worry that Montana is right, sigh.

My advice: Listen to Jespah , except I wonder about moving out. Your taking the initiative will put you in a stronger position. I just hate that she's got it all figured out: not taking your name, taking your money, blah, blah, etc. That doesn't sound like she's planning anything good.

Your wife may be right about some things. Maybe you are a jerk. You can change; it's silly to say people don't change, because they do everyday. But they change for themselves, not for others. She wants to be left alone... do that. Take care of your own "stuff" and leave her alone in the kindest, most friendly but very distant manner. Gather your strength. She isn't being so nice to you and you need to protect your own psychological health. Maintain and improve your relationship with the kids. Start now. Start reading to them, The Hobbit, if you've got it, something that will take them outside themselves. Lord knows, they probably need some comforting because they are witnesses to what you and your wife are doing to each other.

Consider this: if you two separated, you have as much right to retain custody of the kids as she does, maybe even more. She had an affair, doesn't have a great job, doesn't have a lot of time for them since she is going to school. Just for drill, imagine how you would manage if you had custody of the kids with no help from her, except monetary help (which you would be eligible for). Could you do that? If not, why not?

Okay, let's see if I can submit this before this stupid computer freezes again.

Katya's advice about documenting your feelings and what's going on is an excellent plan, both for future referencing and also to get it off your chest.

Good luck.

I also like the idea of writing things down. Have a daily journal where you can write down everything that's happening between the two of you. Write what she says, you said, and about her actions. If you do this you'll be able to see it all right there in black and white.

I'm sorry, but if everything your telling us is actually the way things are and were, then she's jerking you around big time. Things don't fit for me here, so either you're not telling us everything or she's not telling you everything. It certainly goes deeper than what we've heard so far.

I have told everything i can think of. I am not racist, I treat everyone like I would like them to treat me. My job would not al;low that anyway. I could not have full custody due to working 24 on and 48 off, but I wrote out a calender that shows I can have them 50% of the time.
I started to journal everything about a week ago. It helps me.
As far as changing there is only a few things for me to change, I am selfish, and completeing tasks. I work three days a week at the fire station (72 hrs) and I have a pressure cleaning business that i dabble in. I am usually tired after working 24 hours straight. I work at the busiest station in our county usueally 1 call an hour all day long, and usualy an hour or two of sleep. i made $71,000 this year and I do not knw where it goes.
She works as a police officer and goes to school one night a week. She just left a few minutes ago to go out with her friends. Diner and a movie. She also mentioned last night "you are a great looking guy, you would have someone in no time" .
I told her one time of one the the nurses that asked me out from the Emergency room. She never let me live it dowm. She asks me if I ever see her, I do not. I told my wife when we met, i would never cheat on her, and I would not.

Oy.

Sounds like she's got it figured out for when you split. Not if, but when.

And that's comforting. Not.

Sorry, I was channelling Keanu Reeves for a second there.

Anyway, the bottom line is, she's making contingency plans and, frankly, so are you. This is not an easy situation. It is not going to be fun once the marriage is over. But, like I said before, I see it going that way, almost no matter what you do. And, it sure as heck ain't fun now.

Yes, you need to complete tasks and follow through on things. And you know something? If you have to, you will. For example - no one around here pays the bills unless I do. It's not that my husband doesn't know how to, he just doesn't have the time. So, rather than waiting for God to pay them, I pay them. And it gets done. Laundry gets done because he does it. Dinner gets done 'cause I do it. The air conditioners are put in (and taken out) because he does it. We do these things because they're necessary. Because they won't do themselves. We follow through.

And so will you. Because, my friend, you already are. Really.

As for not being selfish, the world is like that. The world is self-centered. Everyone wants for themselves. This is not a bad thing if it doesn't interfere with the rights and comfort of others. E. g. would you buy a new boat if it meant your kids would go without shoes? Of course not. You can delay your own gratification for the sake of others. It doesn't mean you don't want the boat. Hey, you can want whatever you want. And, if you wish, you can scrimp and save and work another job and scour the ads and do whatever it takes to get the boat. And, so long as your kids have their shoes, you can have the dang boat!

There's nothing wrong with having some pleasure in your life. Sure as people eat ice cream cones when spinach would be better for them, people do all sorts of things for their own pleasure. And so long as the diet isn't just ice cream, and so long as everyone gets some ice cream, there's no crime in going out for Rocky Road every now and then.

Unfortunately, I think it's time for you to move on. It sounds to me as if she's the selfish one. It's not enough for her that you work all these hours every week, come home and clean the house, etc and you think you're the selfish one. Just because she says you are one thing or another doesn't mean she's right. If this is the way it is, she is the one who is selfish and manipulative at that. This can't be good for you emotional health and you really need to think of that.

I know Montana, I'm with you. My hope is that if firemanbud backs off a little and gives his wife some space, but insists that he will have the kids (at least halftime) and stands up for his own self, then she'll realize she's losing a lot. (He's a good-looking galoot. :wink: )

It is creepy to think she's got things all worked out and can blithely go off partying with her friends. grrrrrrrrr That would make me really unhappy. In fact, if I were you, fmb, I'd be tempted to call her on that. But maybe the best thing is for you to file, just so she knows you won't be a pushover. Even if you file for divorce, it doesn't mean you have to go through with it, but it keeps the ball in your court. I dunno though, Jespah is the legal beagle and would know the ins and outs of that.

It is true, things get done. Your kids look like they're getting shoes. Money isn't everything. And as far as I'm concerned, time is never wasted when you're messing about in boats.

Its only been the last 5 weeks for the house cleaning, I have got to say in the past I was not as helpful. I never realized the amount of work she did. I do everything now and I have got to say it is a full time job. I really enjoy it though. She has no clue what would happen if we divorce. She told me she wants the Kids, house and whatever she can have of my check.
Well my theripist told me that if I can prove that I can manage the boys 50% of the time, then we split insurance, aftercare, clothes ect. No child support. I love my boys very much and I want them as much as poss.
Next, everything i own is tied up in our house. I just built custom cabnits, put in purgo flooring, and much more in 2003. I spent three hard months working on this house. I am told that I should get 1/2 the equity in the house. How will she do that? How will she manage the boys on the weekdays she has them, comming home sometimes a 6:30 or so.
I do not want to go through this, I love but it does not matter how I feel or what I say.

I agree Piffka. It looks like it's time for bud to take action as she has made it pretty clear that she is moving on.

My heart goes out to you bud as I know how difficult this must be for you.

I sold my boat when we got married to buy our house. I have wanted one, but have not pushed the issue. About a year ago one of the guys I work with said I could have his boat, take over payments, it was halfway paid off, I thought it would be great for the family to have a common thing to do.
All I did was ask her one time, and I never heard the end of it. That is what she means by the boat. i never bought one, but I asked one time. I regret it now.

Makes my chest hurt, my stomach ache and I am loosing my mind. She is hot then cold. I swear she says stuff to make me feel bad. I dont want to rush into anything, but maybe that is where she is leading me to save her from doing it...

Why would you regret asking her about the boat? She was obviously against it and you dropped the subject while she continued to harp on it. It's sounding more and more to me like she is the one who is verbally abusive and is trying to control your every move. This can't be good for you Bud.

It's obvious that you love her, but is all this pain worth keeping things together?

I wrote a note for her and I dont know if I should leave it:
I am sorry for the mess I will clean it in the morning, We spent a lot of quality time together tonight. I hope you had a good night out. I would like you to sit down and figure out what you think is fair for child support for the kids.
Love Bud

i set my tent up in the back yard and the boys and I made a small campfire. We had a good time. I asked the boys how they would feel if I had a seprate house from mommy and they said its ok if they get alot of time with me.

What do you think of the note?

I like it Bud.

Whew... good note, I wish you didn't need to apologize, but I guess that's what you're used to. What I really, really like is that you had a campfire with the boys. That's great quality time!

Of course you can manage the boys 50% of the time. IF you had to, you'd find a way. Could they hang around the firestation at all? Do you have any friends you can talk to about this, any family? Everybody needs some support and you're in a lonely situation. I'd also advise you not to talk to her friends about this... they'd be too likely to be on her side or worse, may hit on you. Neither would be helpful.

Try to get some sleep. Things WILL work out, even if it is not the way you want. You're probably feel like you're in the middle of a firestorm right now, but if you were fighting a fire, you'd stay calm, wouldn't you? Getting over-anxious won't help you or the boys or the situation. It is totally OK to cry, btw, and might give you some release. Let it out.

Bummer about the boat. That's enough to make me cry. Everybody needs a boat. It doesn't have to be a big power boat. A little aluminum skiff with a small motor for the inland waterways would be safe, wouldn't it? We have rowboats, which I love. Get some exercise... it's quiet... you can get into shallow water and really see what's happening on shore. sigh --- Can you rent a boat? Do you know how to paddle a kayak?

Kayak Rentals

At this point my boat idea has sank. It is the furthest thing from my mind. I have a buddy at work I go fishing with every other month or so. The only person I have to talk to is my sister in Michigan, but she does not like my wife.
My sister told me that my wife belittles people to make herself superior to them.She is a little over controlling, but it is not that bad. My sister told me that a few years ago my wife said that she would leave me after she recieved her Dr. degree. She is in her masters program now.
i wish this was a dream, and I could wake up and it was over. I am afraid to leave the noteb becuse she may answer it.with an answer I do not want.......

Then don't leave it. Let her guess what went on and tell her it is more important to spend time with the kids then clean the house. Save the note, marked unsent, for you documentation.

Have you called your sister recently?

Yes, but better you face it now than later Bud.

Something about this situation feels familiar to me.

When I was much younger, I was married to a guy who left me to do all the work while he made all the decisions. He was incredibly selfish and often cruel. (Not that I am accusing you of any of that, firemanbud...I don't even know you.) But the thing is, once I began to admit to myself that the relationship might not last, I started talking just like your wife is now. Then, when I admitted to him that I was considering divorce, he did a 180 and began to do all the things I had always asked him to do. But it was too late. I had five years of anger built up inside me by then, and I'll admit I wasn't very nice to him. I actually enjoyed watching him be the one to jump through hoops for a change instead of me. I'm not proud of myself for that. The good thing is, that phase didn't last very long. A few weeks is all, then it was over.

Considering the way she is talking, I don't think it's a bit too soon to talk to an attorney about your rights. She's already mentally "trying on" a divorce. If you truly don't think she realizes what that would mean for all of you including the children, consider a separation first. But don't even bring up that subject until you've talked to an attorney. And don't tell her you're going to see one, or it may push her into acting first.

I wish things were different for you, firemanbud. I really do. You will be in my prayers.

P.S. (Added after I read the last few posts)...Do not leave the note. Talk to an attorney first. He will advise you what the court will consider fair in terms of child support. You do not want to get into an argument with her about this right now.

I talked to my sister today, she thinks my wife is just riding it out. I just finished the wash, I will get the kitchen then go to bed. I have a weird feeling in my chest.
I am healty as a horse so, I know I am ok. But I am very scared for my family, and more scared that she is pushing me to do it.
Alittle over a year ago when she had her fling, it was just like this, going out with friends tonight. It makes me wonder... But if she wanted someone else just tell me.