How do you rebuild trust and respect?

Hmmm, I'm sorry to say that doesn't sound so good. But it doesn't, does it? I have to admit, she seems to be giving you a lot of flak considering she's had an affair and you haven't. Exactly what trust are we talking about here?

I don't like that she was so quick with the answer about attorneys, paycheck and kids. I'm holding out lots of hope for you, but I'm beginning to wonder about her motives and why she feels you're so untrustworthy.

Maybe you don't feel you can tell us, but is there something else that you haven't mentioned? Plenty of guys work hard and let their families take whatever is left-over. That's not usually a "trust" issue. That's a time management issue. You haven't been taking money from the family have you? Or lying about where you were? Or getting interested in other women? Maybe I should re-read this from the beginning.

It is pretty important, I think, to not let a difficulty in a marriage result in one person, like your wife, getting to have the upper hand, so to speak. Nobody should have that much power or control which is the reason that people often head to a marriage counselor. The counselor keeps things on an even keel and makes sure that nobody takes all the blame for the problems.

firemanbud can summarize in his own words, but I read the email from his wife he posted (before asking him what she would think about him posting it), and from what I remember it was a well-reasoned, rather damning letter. I can believe that there is genuinely a lot of stuff that needs to be atoned for (nothing horrible, the sort of steady amassing of problems that eventually results in a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation.)

However, what I am wondering now is if she has already made up her mind, and was doing what she thought was the right thing -- giving you another chance -- although she had already consciously or unconsciously decided that time was up.

I'm sorry I have forgotten, have you been to a counsellor yet? If not, I really encourage you to.

Hmmm. Thanks Sozobe. So when the word trust is being used here, it is can't-TRUST-you-not-to-slip back into your lazy ways, not the can't-TRUST-you-not-to-do-something-really-rotten like steal from the family, do something illegal, violent or roam outside the marriage. OK.

I'm a firm, a very firm believer in holding marriages together for a couple of reasons... three strong reasons. One, if you got married, there must have been a good reason... hopefully Love. Two, if you have kids, you've got a lot of stress but you should be adult enough to deal with that and any disappointments in life, without thrusting kids into a bad situation. (Otherwise known as GROW UP.) Three, it really is unlikely that (barring truly rotten behavior, see above) you're likely to find another spouse who is going to be THAT much better than the one you have, especially when you add loads of guilt into the mix. (GET REAL.)

I am, instead, a believer in the "they-don't-come-perfect-straight-out-of-the-box" group. Nobody is perfect and everybody is constantly changing. If your spouse isn't doing what you want, say something early and help them get it right. It is frustrating to me when I see a reasonably happy couple who won't talk and then blow up at each other... end up saying and or doing things that will hang heavy over the relationship. Don't screw up a workable situation.

Piffka,
PM sent. I have not cheated, taken money from family or anything. The only real bad thing I have done is when we would have a real bad fight I have called her a bitch and told her to F off, a few times ( which i regret and have fixed since counciling. I have not done that in a year or so. But here problem is the water under the bridge, as she says.

Doesn't sound like much reason to me. It seems that she needs to learn to forgive you. No one is perfect and I don't know anyone who hasn't said a few regretful things during a heated arguement.

From what she said, that is one of her biggest isssues, Her counslor to her it is verbal abuse. She said she feels like abattered wife. I have not said anything like that in a long time.
She is complaining that I am smothering her now, I cant win for lose. I asked her how long am I to be a room mate before she can at least tell me if she wants to work out our marriage, she has no answer, just I don't think you can change. If she feels thatway she should tell me she doesnt want me anymore instead of If you leave I will take you for everything.
She said she is still her and that is all she has. I need to back off, but I sexually frustrated and needy, not a good thing. 5 months since we have ben together. She told me last night she does not ever want it, from me or anyone else.

Let me ask you a question. Has your wife ever said anything hurtful to you or called you names during any of these arguements you had in the past?

In ways she does not understand

It seems to me that this can't be the only reason and maybe there's something she's not telling you. If it's been over a year since you've said anything hurtful to her then I can't see how it would have effected her this long. Maybe she has just fallen out of love with you and can't say it.

You may have said some hurtful things to her in the past, but she cheated on you and you forgave her, so why can't she forgive you? I don't get it.

I'm gonna be the Devil's Advocate here, if I may.

You called her a name and cussed a few times a good year ago and she feels like a battered wife? Huh?

That's nuts. Sorry if I'm blunt here, but this sounds like an excuse to treat you like a doormat. You do all sorts of stuff and it's not good enough. When will it be good enough? When will the scale finally be tipped? I dunno, it just sounds like she's getting everything she wants and is hanging it all on some pretty flimsy excuses. She's holding all of the cards and it just seems like her continued treatment of you is capricious.

I'm also concerned that she already has a plan in place for if you decide to call it quits. How nice. Not.

Tell me, would it be so awful if you pulled the ripcord on your parachute? Yes, there would be lawyers, yadda yadda etc. etc. but you seem to be heading in this direction anyway, IMO. I'm not saying that it's fun or wonderful, but you'd be in a better position if you were to initiate things on your schedule, rather than hers. Right now, the dynamic is that she has all the power, and you seem to be her eunuch servant. I bet you don't want to stay that way.

Divorce is not a happy and wonderful solution, but you are not currently in a happy and wonderful situation. Your family must realize that you're miserable. You won't get any extra points for being a martyr here.

Anyway, that's it from the Devil's Advocate.

I completely agree with Jespah on this. She is obviously walking all over you and keeping you in limbo for her own selfish reasons.

Hmm, having read the email, I'm not so sure. It did make sense to me. I think she's definitely got some of her own issues, not that she is some paragon while Firemanbud is an unalloyed jerk, at all. But at the same time, I could see where she was coming from, I don't think it's all excuses.

I most agree with what Piffka says, about people who just sit there and allow bad things to happen and THEN after a lot of time say "BAD THINGS HAPPENED!!!" It's not that bad things didn't happen, it's why did you wait so long and let so much animosity build up?

I am falling apart. I just got back from my therapist and he told me that he feels she Is just staying for financial reasons. He said if I did double the cartwheels that she would like, it would not matter.
He wants me to find another place to stay because of what it is doing to my health. I asked her this morning if she likes the changes she has seen so far and she said yes, but she said she feels it is temporary. She said that all the stuff I am doing is to manipulate her feelings. A few minutes after that she said "I know this will hurt your feelings, but if we divorce I want to go back to my maiden name", I felt my heart being pulled from my chest. She asked a little while ago why I am so distant. You ended the call without saying bye.
She is going out with friend tonight, "I hope you don't mind" but "its girl's night". I am hurt, confused and ready to lose it. I feel like a failure as a man, husband and father. I don't know what to do; I do not want to do anything in haste. I am praying a lot, but I do not see the answers.

Yikes.

She has a counselor, you have a therapist, have you done anything TOGETHER? (Counselling?)

Highly recommended, if not.

Best wishes.

I asked her last night and she said she wants to work on herself, her time with him is limited.

It could very well be true that your wife is being cruel to you so you'll walk out.

Do not leave your home!!! If you do, the locks will be changed, you'll be legally accused of having deserted your wife and children, and you'll never ever get back in.

Tell your wife that if she's tired of being married, you're not, so SHE can leave (without the kids, of course)......and she can rent a room or go to a motel and take a holiday from being home with you, to see how she likes being "free".

Usually, when people get to be out there on their own and feel the icecold wind of an empty world, they realize how much they've left behind. Then they come running back to "Who's your Daddy". (or Mommy:-)



Plus, you'll get to have some restful nights that'll give you a chance to recover.

There is no abandonment law in Florida. I do not want to leave, but I will not let her treat me like a doormat. I am trying hard, maybe too hard. For the past 5 weeks I have been busting mu butt to change the few things about myself that are not right. I am selfish and a procrastinator (not great speller though).
I am doing these changes for me as well as my family. How long do I continue to live with her without her at least telling me she will roll up her sleeve and work with me to fix OUR problems. My theripist told me today that "it takes two to make it, and two to break it", so I am not going to let here blame everything on me anymore., but I am willing to do whatever needed to keep my wife and make her a happy woman again.

Not to jump all over that, but only she can make herself a happy woman - no, I don't mean sexually, but as a state of being.

yes, you are right. I ment happy with me.