How do you rebuild trust and respect?

I was hurt for a while, but what do I do, I foregave her. I still get a little worried, but I trust her to tell me the truth. I am trying to teach my boys not to be quiters, I will not show them how to be one.

Good for you, firemanbud. You're on the right track. Hang in there....as others have said, it will take time.

I think it is touching that you want to do stay together. It sounds like you're doing some things right. Ceili recommended a counselor... definitely a good idea. I like Jespah's idea too. Do the housework together, nobody should be the servant.

Try to do some family things. For example, take the kids to the beach for a walk and a picnic. Take photographs and enjoy them afterwards. Visit the Everglades... teach your boys about the birds & alligators. Drive down to Big Pine Key for some key lime pie or have a beach fire (do they still let you do that?) at Bahia Honda. Spend some quality time together and make it simple & fun. Then, ask her on a date or to see a movie you know she'd like. Little steps, little steps. Good luck.

Yep. Alot of little steps add up to great leaps.

I have been thinking a lot lately. I have figured out that most of my problems in my marriage are from me being selfish. I am working to correct this, I have a new way of running my life ( which I have told her, do not know if she believes me, YET), Before I make a decision to do something, I ask myself "Who is this for, Me or the family" and "How will my decision affect the family".
I want her to know that she is first in my life, but I do not want to keep telling her all my thoughts, because I do not think she believes anything I say.

firemanbud- It is good that you told her that you are aware of your complicity in your problems. Now it is time for action. She needs to observe the behavioral changes, without you pointing them out to her all the time. After all, "one picture is worth 1,000 words". Good luck!

Back to the original question: How do you rebuild trust and respect? Be trustworthy and respectful.

But it takes a lot of time.

Deal with the lack of sex. Snuggling is the most intimate part of sleeping together... the rest of it you can relieve on your own.

Why don't you stop trying Mr.Firemanbud.You've tried a lot and she's probably enjoying your desperation.This is evident from her not doing anything seriously! May be she'll come after you if you move away from her.

I feel all this is due from me not trying enough. I do not want her to think I am playing games. I love her and want to do every thing I can to make this work. I am trying to be more upbeat, not show her I am hurting, but she sees me awake all night ( stress I think) .

Hmmm, probably not a good idea to tell her all your thoughts. Ask for her thoughts instead. Have you asked her, btw, what she thinks... what bothers her the most about the relationship, what her deepest wishes are?

Listen carefully to what she says. It is good that she worries about your not sleeping and wants to snuggle with you. Those are both signs she still loves you, imo. I hope that you are able to get sleep sometime, not sleeping will affect your judgement badly.

Slow and steady, firemanbud. Slow and steady. She's gotten one message from watching your actions over the past eight years. It will take time before she sees that you mean what you say.

she wishes she could go right back to being in love, but she feels numb. I just wish I knew the changes I am making are working. I know it will take a while, atleat we are still together.

Well things are looking better. She was wearing her wedding ring when she left for work. She said she is happy with what she sees. Thanks all for your input and thoughts. I will keep you posted.
Bud

She is taking me out for my birthday Thursday night, first time without the kids in a year.

Good, very good. Happy Birthday!

Hey, that's some great progress! Keep it up!

That's awesome, Happy Birthday :-D

It seems that all is not lost!
My take on communication is that there are doers and there are talkers and there are combinations of the two. You seem to be a doer. You are doing and acting in any way you feel will express your love for your wife and show the feelings you have for her. Maybe she needs more talk. Verbal communication. If you have spent your life expressing yourself through your actions then it is my guess that you are much less at ease expressing yourself verbally and often can not find the right words to say. Thus you bought her a ring when she may have wanted a heart-felt, full of emotion "I love you" instead. Good communication requires both action and words. It may help a great deal if you both spent some time with a counselor who could help in teaching you both to communicate more fully. I am sure that there are things that both of you have that have gone unsaid and in a neutral setting these and other issues can be brought to the surface in a safe and secure environment. While you are both in the mood to save your relatrionship is the best time to work with a counselor. It has been my experience, and that of many counselors that I know, that couples, all too often, wait until the relationshi[p is broken beyond repair to seek help in learning to communicate more openly and with emotion.

Years and years ago, in my first marriage, I spent many a night looking up at the ceiling and I know it's not a good place to be. I also know that our difficulties were not all mine to shoulder. My second marriage has lasted 28 years because we practice talking both verbally and with body language. As far as the zest of romance, some days it is just plain dull. All the days averaged together is what keeps us together.

Good luck, you do seem to be making progress. My thoughts are just that, thoughts.

I am a little slow on learning what you did that was so wrong, not to mention what she did. I'd like to see you agree to counseling, even though I know, since I know at least twenty counselers with various degrees and status in their fields...and also know some twits who became counselers... that one needs to get the right counseler.

Too bad, from my point of view, that I can't spell counseler.

Still, most can help you shape a life that is a morass into one that makes sense, or if it doesn't, to know what to do.

I have never done this myself, and I might throw up at the cash register, but a quick purview of popular self help books could gird you to begin thinking about your own problem. Don't just jump to self help books point of view, much of that is too easy.

Trust is very important in any type of relationship. Its so important it is part of the relationships foundation. Once Trust is gone its time to take out a 2nd mortgage and rebuild. Not only is rebuilding trust expensive but very labor intensive!!! But, with loads and loads and loads and loads of communication trust can eventually be restored. Good Luck

Well we went out for my birthday. We acually met for lunch alone and diner as a family. All was great. She again told me tonight she does not know if she can every trust me again.
I have been working very hard to be a good husband and father, she told me I am manipulating her and leaving bread trails by some of the little things I do.
I then asked her " should I move out, will that help you gain your thoughts? Her answer "then I will have to get an attorny and set guidleines, I would want part of your paycheck and custody of the kids".
I chose scenerio "A" (STAY), but in the same voice she says don't go, in the next she says, I dont know if I can ever fix it., and dont think about sex. She did say she is trying by not doing anything at all ( maybe watching to see what will happen, she said she thinks all i am doing is tempoary). I told it may take a year to rebuild the trust, she said "I dont have that long", I said just give me enough trust to show you I can change ( selfishness), and she said "you are asking me to trust you again". Is this something I can fix?