I have been married for almost 8 years. Most of these eight years, I have been a taker. I work for Fire Rescue, I am a good person, I make good money, but I was selfish with my time, did not pay my wife compliments nor give her the respect she deserves.
We now have 2 boys which are 5 and 7. She has been thinking of divorce for a month now, and said she loves me but not sure she is in love with me. I have been trying my best to change. I have learned over the past month what she has felt over the last few years, and I am ashamed of myself.
I have prayed and I believe god is helping me be a better man. She has not had to touch laundry, I cook diner, bathe the boys, and most of the work around the house. It makes me proud to see the good I am doing for my family.
Well so far we are still living together, no sex for about three months, and she is still a little standoffish. I have told her in the past I would change but never followed trough, my track record is not the best. But I am sincere and I will change.
I love my wife and will do anything I must do to prove my love to her and my family.
You're off to a great start. I suggest you also seek counselling. It can't hurt to have a third party to listen, guide and teach you better ways of communicating. It will only help you build a stronger relationship/partnership.
0 Replies
jespah
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 08:27 pm
And of course (and I'm sure you realize this), love and trust isn't about doing the wash. It's about following through. So far, so good, it sounds like.
But you need not do everything around the house. How 'bout asking her for help? There's nothing wrong with doing that, and you'll spend time together. It won't hurt things if she dries the dishes while you wash, for example.
0 Replies
OCCOM BILL
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 08:27 pm
Sell one of your expensive toys, and buy Diamonds.
0 Replies
firemanbud
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 08:42 pm
She works full time, (school police officer), she is in first year of Masters program. She is a great girl. I worked hard and bought her a pair of 1.25 carat diamond earings for Christmas. She has wanted them since I met her. She told me a few months back, she sees love through ACTS of doing.
I am doing the work to give her time off to spend with me and the boys, but it seems i am alway the last in line, even after the dog (lol)
She has been a little beter in the last few weeks, but I am streesed out, I am sleeping an hour a night, sitting awake looking at the ceiling. She is worried about why I am not sleeping.
She loves to snuggle while we sleep, I feel she loves me, but I also feel her holding back.
0 Replies
eoe
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 08:43 pm
It takes time. Period. You've got to earn her trust and respect. The more you screwed up, the longer it will probably take to make things right.
0 Replies
OCCOM BILL
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 08:55 pm
Diamonds and no sex? Not even a temporary reprieve? Were you unfaithful? Are you sure she isn't? Do you make her feel sexy?
0 Replies
firemanbud
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 09:02 pm
i have never cheated and never will, thats the only thing she can count on with me. I never completed all my tasks, she does not trust me to make good choices she said a while back.
She had an afiar about a year and a half ago. No sex, just petting and kissing. It was hard to deal with, but I love her.
0 Replies
OCCOM BILL
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 09:18 pm
Obviously I don't know your situation... But my experience with partners not interested in sex, but who are interested in snuggling are feeling a little guilty themselves. You obviously love her a great deal. Perhaps a vacation is in order. Club Med, although a little pricey, is a child's dream. It would also free parents up to spend time alone together, without outside distractions. Pack some Viagra if you have to, but make sure you are dynamite the next time you do "get together". Do everything you can to make her feel sexy and maybe you'll win her heart back. Try not to overdo the submissive stuff. Be confident you'll win her back because you are worth it Not because you are desperate. Needy, clingy = unattractive. Genuine love is adored by all.
0 Replies
firemanbud
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 09:25 pm
thanks OB
0 Replies
OCCOM BILL
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 09:29 pm
Good Luck! and welcome to A2K
0 Replies
firemanbud
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 09:37 pm
deleted
0 Replies
OCCOM BILL
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 10:16 pm
Wow. A couple thoughts occurred to me. You might want to liquidate all of your "selfish" toys to show her you're serious. Accompany her to church, and ask for guidance there. I'm not a religious man myself, but those guys no doubt have a lot of experience advising in these situations. They are certainly more qualified to dispense advice than I. Plus, it's a pretty sure bet they'll advise on the side of staying together. Again, I do wish you the best of luck. Peace, out.
0 Replies
firemanbud
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 10:23 pm
figured I would let it all hang out. I hope and pray I can make it work. We are still sleeping in the same bed. As far as toys, I never bought any, other than my truck, which she helped pick out. I asked her about a boat and she freaked. I talked to her a few minutes ago and we are going to start doing church together again. She is talking about future plans together, but then backs off. I guess i need to show her I can be a trusted, responsible man and pray for the best.
0 Replies
sozobe
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 10:30 pm
I think that's what OCCAM BILL meant, firemanbud -- liquidate YOUR toys. (Not hers.)
What do you think your wife would think of you posting that email? It seems like you have to do not only the grand gesture but the small thoughtful things, think twice and three times about whether it is the way to go.
0 Replies
firemanbud
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 10:46 pm
nobody knows her, i have no one to talk to about this. It is the only way I can think of to let you know where her mind is. I do not have any toys. I am working hard, I just finished painting a ride at Universal Studios, she sees that I am working hard, i am just under so much stress I can sleep, and I am tired of being sick to my stomach,
I will remove her letter. I am not proud of it, but i am out of options.
0 Replies
OCCOM BILL
1
Reply
Sat 10 Jan, 2004 11:01 pm
Slowwwwww down... relax. Breathe in and out. She hasn't left, you don't sleep alone, you're going to go to church together, you're working hard... you're reaching out for ideas on how to do it right. What more can you do? No ones going to give you an instant fix that will take care of it instantly (already tried the diamonds, remember?). Don't freak out. Don't expect her to accept your plans as gospel. Plan your work and work your plan. Listen to Sozobe. Pay attention to the little things. Work hard on the big things but don't expect instant gratification. Plan on it taking a long time and be happily surprised when it doesn't. Never forget the despair you are feeling now; and you will likely never feel it again.
0 Replies
Montana
1
Reply
Sun 11 Jan, 2004 03:24 am
I think that as long as you're consistant in what you're doing now that things will be ok. It sounds to me that she obviously loves you and is more than willing to work at keeping your relationship together.
Good luck to you.
0 Replies
sozobe
1
Reply
Sun 11 Jan, 2004 10:58 am
Nicely said, O'Bill.
I agree with Montana as well that consistency, in and of itself, will help solve the specific problems that you are having now. Not that you say "I love you" once, but that you say it (and mean it) every day for several months. Not that you avoid buying the expensive toy that you know will annoy her now, but that you keep avoiding those expensive toys for several months. Do all the good things you're doing, just keep doing them , with, as O'Bill says, no expectation that THIS good deed will suddenly turn the tide.
0 Replies
katya8
1
Reply
Sun 11 Jan, 2004 03:51 pm
Fireman? Your wife had a fling with some stranger (How'd you find out. Did she tell you about it?), then accuses YOU of not being a good enough husband?
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace