Boyfriend going to strip club

@George,

Yeah the Squire - that is a high class joint.

@Linkat,

You better believe it. All the ladies are working their way through grad school.

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I agree with linkat and mame.

what my basic message in "am I willing to die on this hill?" is "don't sweat the small ****."

big deal, he looks at some nekkid women.

There is such a thing as saving face amongst your tribe. What he supposed to say to his buds? "oh, clarisa dosen't want me to go watch the stripers, it would make her feel insecure"

He would be called pussy whipped by the 2nd word of that sentence.

Now, I'm not saying a man just go along with his (maybe brain dead) buddies on everything. OHHHH Nooooo, I'm not saying that at all. It would be different if he has friends that go to these places all the time (10 to 1 they don't have great girlfriends, or any at all) and want him to go along.

It's the age old story that one by one, the guys start to settle down with one person, and the last one's remaining unattached keep trying to get the settled guys to party with them, like the old days.
The same thing happens with women I think. The group of you used to hang out, one by one you pair up with someone. The one's who haven't paired up yet sometimes have a hard time coming to terms with the fact every Friday is no longer designated as Girls Night Out.

But, a stag party has traditionally been part of the grooms getting married, his last chance to howl, as it were.

It's just one of those things that grown up ladies know is nothing to worry about.

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Don't say another word about it to him. It's a normal thing. **** him silly before he goes, and go out with the chicks to a male strip show while he's at the batchelor party.

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@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

I agree with George that it's worth telling him, just as a no-action-required FYI.

Hmm... I think I may finally disagree with Sozobe.

If she tells him, and he goes, then he's a jerk for ignoring her feelings, and she's resentful. If he doesn't go, then she's a jerk for laying a guilt trip on him, and he's resentful.

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@Lash,

Lash wrote:

Don't say another word about it to him. It's a normal thing. **** him silly before he goes, and go out with the chicks to a male strip show while he's at the batchelor party.

This is the best answer so far. I'm still not sure what there is to 'deal' with here.

1 Reply

@DrewDad,

But she's having a hard time with it anyway.

I guess I agree not to force it, like a sit-down, "Honey I have to tell you something" sort of thing. But I think she shouldn't stifle it all either, and just claim that it's fine when it's not. Somewhere in between -- if it comes up (and he'll probably notice something and may or may not bring it up), go ahead and say, "Actually I hate the idea but that doesn't mean I'm forbidding you to go. I trust you, so go ahead."

1 Reply

@MonaLeeza,

MonaLeeza wrote:

This is the best answer so far. I'm still not sure what there is to 'deal' with here.

She said in her opening post -- how to deal with her own ick factor.

Questioner: my boyfriend has a dog and I'm deathly afraid of them. I won't ask him to get rid of the dog but how do I deal with my fear?

Advisor: Why on earth would you tell him to get rid of the dog? He has a perfect right to have a dog.

Questioner: Right, I know, I said I won't ask him to get rid of it. But I'm scared of dogs. How can I get over that fear?

Advisor: Don't be scared of dogs.

Questioner: OK, great, I'd love that. HOW?

Advisor: Just don't.

1 Reply

@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

Somewhere in between -- if it comes up (and he'll probably notice something and may or may not bring it up), go ahead and say, "Actually I hate the idea but that doesn't mean I'm forbidding you to go. I trust you, so go ahead."

that's in between? wowser

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There's worse things than ogling nekkid women - going out and getting stoned on some crazy ****, for example, or losing your shirt in poker... or being stripped and blackballed and tied to a telephone pole... you need to put it in perspective. First of all it's a stag - and a very unoriginal one at that (yawn)... he's going to be with his buds, celebrating someone else's upcoming nuptials. Please. It's not like he makes a habit of this. It's a stag.

You might want to think about what your issue really is and deal with that.

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@sozobe,

The scary dog is going to be there all the time and I'd understand the problem here if the boyfriend was going out to strip clubs all the time. But it's just a one-off buck's night... strippers and too much to drink are standard fare. If your relationship is in good shape it shouldn't be threatening. If your relationship isn't in good shape then the stripper isn't the problem that needs addressing. If my husband was invited I'd think it was just funny and hope that he had a good time. So I guess if it needs dealing with then my answer would be with trust (and she already said she does trust him), a sense of humour and a generous spirit.

1 Reply

@rmg1203,

rmg1203 wrote:

So, my boyfriend is the man-of-honor at his best friend's upcoming wedding in April. Being from Miami, he is traveling to Miami to host the bachelor party. He is in charge of planning the party and has planned for the guys to go to a strip club. Of course, I'm not thrilled at the idea of my boyfriend going to a strip club with a bunch of guys, getting drunk, and seeing naked women (or worse, getting lap dances). He and I have talked about it and I know that I can trust him and we love each other, but I still hate the idea of it. I'm not going to tell him not to do it, because that's unrealistic and I don't want to be controlling.

How should I deal with it without being an overbearing girlfriend? I'm not going to stop him from doing what he wants, but it still makes me upset.

Chances are really good that your boyfriend can have a beautful sexy babe grind on his crotch and it will mean absolutely nothing as respects his love, affection, and attraction for you.

I used to think only men were lustful pigs at strip joints until I saw a show on women at Chippendales.

Believe me, men at strip joints are boring compared to the squealing, grabby women at a men's strip performance.

It really means nothing other than a vehicle for temporary lust.

If you expect your future husband to isolate his lust to you, you are going to be disappointed.

Neither you nor him are Aphrodite or Apollo. He will be attracted to other women as you are to other men.

Fidelity in spite of abounding lust is the measure of a relationship.

If you believe he is going to take one of the strippers to the VIP Room for a hand-job, dump him.

1 Reply

@rmg1203,

Well you already said that you trust him. I mean it's just one night among a bunch of a guys with women present. Deep down I'm sure it will just make him miss what he has waiting for him at home.

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@DrewDad,

DrewDad wrote:

. . . If she tells him, and he goes, then he's a jerk for ignoring her feelings,
and she's resentful. If he doesn't go, then she's a jerk for laying a guilt trip
on him, and he's resentful.

I see your point, but he is going. That's a done deal. She's already talked
with him and agreed to it.

He should feel like a bit of a jerk. Maybe it won't bother him during
the party but it will before and after. And if he's got half a brain in his
head, he'll do something special for her when he gets back.

She's not a jerk for letting him know how she feels. He needs to know
that she's not happy about it.

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@George,

Quote:

He should feel like a bit of a jerk. Maybe it won't bother him during
the party but it will before and after. And if he's got half a brain in his
head, he'll do something special for her when he gets back.

I don't buy it. Guilt is a bad thing in a relationship. No one needs to feel a jerk and no one should feel like a jerk. After all relationships are voluntary, there is no obligation here. And what is the principle here? Men aren't allowed to do anything that might upset their partner?

When there are two individuals in a relationship there needs to be some give and take. There are two healthy ways to make this work. The boyfriend can decide to deny his feelings and not go, even though he wants to. Or, the girlfriend can decide to deny her feelings and accept it fully, even though she doesn't want to.

I don't like the solution being suggested, that the boyfriend should be "guilty" and "owe" some sort of payback. I don't want this dynamic in any relationship I am a part of.

And, I don't buy the idea that the boyfriend is "wrong" for going to a strip club simply because his girlfriend doesn't want him to. This is a very one-sided view of the situation. It is the same as if someone said the girlfriend is "wrong" for feeling upset.

I hope there is a conversation where both people involved are understanding. Basically one person is going to need to deny their feelings. But that is relationships. There is no impartial way for internet judges to decide how this particular relationship should be arranged.

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If you do something your partner doesn't like, then you will probably feel bad
about it unless you are totally insensitive. That is not necessarily guilt. Guilt
implies wrongdoing. In this case neither side believes the other is doing wrong.

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@George,

About "her not being happy about it": If a drop dead gorgeous, young, available woman were to be hired - and seated next to him at work, and he was asked to take her under his wing, watch her closely during the training period and be on hand for any lil ole question she might have, I bet girlfriend wouldn't be happy about that, either.

These things happen. Sometimes your feeling of discomfort over an issue should be dealt with by YOU. Assess and make the call - is this something to discuss, or is this something I need to deal with?

I promise. This is something you need to deal with.

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@MonaLeeza,

Missing the point.

The scary dog will be there all the time. Right.

People keep saying variations of "don't tell him he can't go." She already established that in the first post. She's NOT going to tell him he can't go. (She's NOT going to tell him to give up the dog.)

People keep saying she should get over it. She's asking for HOW to get over it (that's my reading anyway, if she wants to come back with more info that'd be cool).

She's not saying he's wrong or that she shouldn't get over it. It's just bothering her and she's not sure how to handle that.

In my hypothetical situation with the person who was scared of dogs, would you be saying "if your relationship was in good shape then the dog shouldn't be threatening" or "if your relationship isn't in good shape then the dog isn't the problem that needs addressing" or "if my husband got a dog I'd think that's funny"? That just doesn't address what she seems to be actually asking.

She's scared of dogs. (She doesn't like the idea of him going to a bachelor party with strippers.) She's not going to tell him he has to get rid of his dog. (She's not going to tell him he can't go.) Value judgments aside, that's how she feels. Simply telling her not to be scared of dogs doesn't really help her deal with that fear.

1 Reply

@sozobe,

... which is why I advised her to accept the fact that her reactions are valid and appropriate. I would feel similar if my wife went to a bachelorette party at a male strip club.

I've always found that accepting your feelings is the first step to moving past them. Instead of having recriminations and trying 'not to feel' a certain way, it allows one to move to examining the underlying motivations behind them.

Cycloptichorn

1 Reply

@Cycloptichorn,

Yep, I agree with that.

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Boyfriend going to strip club

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