Boyfriend going to strip club

@laughoutlood,

laughoutlood wrote:

i'd ask him if the groom has stated that he wants his bucks night in some tawdry hole

That's not a very nice thing to call her.

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@maxdancona,

No, and your introduction of the subject of brothels is a non sequitur. If you can't do any better than that, don't bother responding to my posts.

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"Look, but don't touch.
Touch, but don't taste.
Taste, but don't swallow."

~Al Pacino, The Devil's Advocate

I'd relax. Besides, it'a hardly fair to judge someone on what they might do.

A
R
T

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@Setanta,

No. I was just having fun with the your restaurant metaphor for strip clubs. I think it is is a funny idea.

If a strip club is a restaurant where you can't have the food you pay for, a brothel would be like a normal restaurant where you get to finish the meal you purchase. Of course in first instance, for a little extra money, I can have the food rubbed in my lap which is actually a lot more fun then it sounds.

My point is, if people enjoy it and are willing to pay for it, what's the big deal.

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@Cycloptichorn,

Cycloptichorn wrote:

roger wrote:

Yeah. Maybe he's supposed to work up a bachelor party at the art museum?

Hey, mine was at an art museum!

The exhibit was entitled Reproductions of Famous Historical sets of Titties. I wasn't all that impressed until we, uh, got, to the Helen of Troy exhibit. The unveiling was breathtaking.

Cycloptichorn

Was it at the Blanton?

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I think you ought to tell him what you told us.

He can go, but you're not happy about it. Not one little bit. That's the
way you feel, so be honest about it. He shouldn't get the idea that you're
OK with strip joints. You're not.

I've been to several of these rituals (shhh, don't tell my wife) and they are
usually harmless. Most places have large persons dedicated to keeping
things under control. And no one I know ever got drunk at a strip joint.
Before or after, maybe. What they charge for drinks pretty much excludes
excess. Also, most of the fun depends on the group he's with, not the
putative entertainment. Lotta talk, no action.

The most fun one I was ever at ended in our being ejected from "The
Squire" in Revere and almost getting into a fight in the parking lot.

Ah, memories . . .

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@maxdancona,

In the first place, your response was a non sequitur because it is not axiomatically true that those deprived of the opportunity to patronize strip joints will patronize brothels. There are those who would patronize both, and those who would patronize neither.

But more than that, and in response to your "what's the big deal" i will point out to you that this is all in the context of a relationship. In any such voluntary relationship, success depends on a due regard for the feelings of one's partner. Were this a question by a single man as to whether or not it were acceptable for him to patronize strip joints, while once again pointing out what a futile exercise i consider it to be, i would echo your "what's the big deal." But that is not the context here, and the context here is that this woman is upset by his behavior, and it is completely reasonable for her to object. If he ignores her objections, than i consider him to be acting childishly with regard to his relationship ("I want what I want when I want it, and you be damned.")

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@Setanta,

Quote:

In the first place, your response was a non sequitur because it is not axiomatically true that those deprived of the opportunity to patronize strip joints will patronize brothels.

No. You compared a strip club to a restaurant where you paid to look at food you didn't eat. A restaurant is a place you go to buy food. A brothel is a place you go to buy sex. You made the comparison of restaurant food to sex.

I was following your metaphor to its logical conclusion.

Of course, there is the option of home cooking. In this case you generally don't have to pay. And, of course, there are those who would patronize all three.

Quote:

If he ignores her objections, than i consider him to be acting childishly with regard to his relationship ("I want what I want when I want it, and you be damned.")

It seems to me that you are making big assumptions about the relationship with very little information other then the fact that one side is "upset". You are making broad pronouncements when you haven't heard anything from the other half of this relationship.

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Ya know, a large part of a happy relationship is knowing which hill you're willing to die on.

It's up to you to decide if you want this to be some watershed moment in your relationship.

If you choose to make it a critical component of your life together, that's your decision. Remember though, you are the one who will have to live with the aftermath.

If something like this is going to set you off, I can't imagine how more deeply important things are going to play out.

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

No. You compared a strip club to a restaurant where you paid to look at food you didn't eat. A restaurant is a place you go to buy food. A brothel is a place you go to buy sex. You made the comparison of restaurant food to sex.

No i didn't. I compared one futile action to another. Thererfore, this . . .

Quote:

I was following your metaphor to its logical conclusion.

. . . is nonsense. As is this:

Quote:

Of course, there is the option of home cooking. In this case you generally don't have to pay. And, of course, there are those who would patronize all three.

. . . unless you assert that one were to cook at home, but not eat the food cooked. In that case, i would consider that action as futile as those i've already adverted to.

Quote:

It seems to me that you are making big assumptions about the relationship with very little information other then the fact that one side is "upset". You are making broad pronouncements when you haven't heard anything from the other half of this relationship.

It is not my part--or yours--to presume on the relationship. If he feels that her objections are onerous, then he is free to leave the relationship. Whether or not one feels that the demands of one's partner are oppressive, if one wishes to stay in the relationship, one either accomodates the demands of one's partner, or one negotiates a compromise. That has nothing to do with one "side" of a story or the other.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

Ya know, a large part of a happy relationship is knowing which hill you're willing to die on.

Eggs-acktly.

That entire post of Chai's makes the point of how relationships work, like it or not.

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@Setanta,

Yes Set.

If you want to be right all the time, you're going to be lonely.

jeez, as if my beloved has always been ok with everything I've done.

Of course, you can't be a door mat, but there's no need to make ALL boundaries as to acceptable/unacceptable carved in stone.

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@Setanta,

Quote:

It is not my part--or yours--to presume on the relationship. If he feels that her objections are onerous, then he is free to leave the relationship. Whether or not one feels that the demands of one's partner are oppressive, if one wishes to stay in the relationship, one either accomodates the demands of one's partner, or one negotiates a compromise. That has nothing to do with one "side" of a story or the other.

I think you understand that this goes both ways. If she feels his habits (be they strip clubs or anything else) are onerous, then she is free to leave the relationship. Relationships are agreements. Both sides need to figure out what they will accept, and what they won't.

The reason that I think this thread is odd is this. If I were to have any advice for people a relationship, I would tell the woman that if she valued the relationship, she may have to accept things about the behavior of her partner that are hard to accept. Then I would tell the man that he might have to accept things that he might not naturally like.

You are telling the woman that her boyfriend might have to accept her "demands" if he values the relationship. Seeing as the boyfriend is not part of this discussion, this seems a little backwards. That's all.

If each person is looking out for their own interest and thinking about how the other person needs to change rather then thinking about how they can change themselves, it doesn't make for the best relationship.

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@maxdancona,

Certainly the reverse is true. However, as i've already pointed out, we cannot presume on the relationship. Were her partner to show up, it would be his part to deny the behavior, or deny that she had ever objected, or to come up with some tu quoque argument about the things that she does that he can't abide.

None of that changes that relationships require that those involved adjust their behaviors to accomodate their partners. None of that changes that it is childish to take no account of your partner's feelings about your behavior.

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@Setanta,

Quote:

Were her partner to show up, it would be his part to deny the behavior, or deny that she had ever objected, or to come up with some tu quoque argument about the things that she does that he can't abide.

Or, her partner could explain that he likes going to strip clubs and ask that she accept that. There are lots of perfectly decent relationships that have such understandings.

Tit for tat arguments are never productive in a relationship. Both sides working to understand each others likes and dislikes is at the core of any healthy relationship.

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No ****, Sherlock. So the end of your contribution here is to acknowledge what you've already been told. How charming.

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

. . . Tit for tat arguments are never productive in a relationship. . .

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
Max said "tit".

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@rmg1203,

She seems to make it clear that she's not looking to prevent him though.

rmg1203 wrote:

I'm not going to tell him not to do it, because that's unrealistic and I don't want to be controlling.

I agree with George that it's worth telling him, just as a no-action-required FYI.

As for how to deal with it -- really individual. Think about situations you've been in from his perspective -- he might have had reason to be worried but nothing happened. Think about consequences -- if you're overbearing and over-neurotic about it, you might lose him. Vent to friends about it. Take a lot of deep breaths.

One of the trickiest things about relationships is that balance of trust and independence. It's harder for some people than others. In my experience, practice + time helps.

I get both parts of it -- that it upsets you, and that you realize that it's not reasonable for you to keep him from doing it.

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@panzade,

I third it - not a big deal. Yeah it is kinda gross (at least it seems that way to me), but you can see naked girls on cable in a regular old movie.

I'd be worried if he made it a habit, but going to it as part of a bachelor party? I'd just say its part of being the best man. Doesn't mean much.

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Frankly, I don't think it's a big deal, either. He can see naked women all over the internet and Playboy mags if he wants to. Personally, I think going to see a stripper is juvenile and totally passe, but hey, if that's what they're doing, that's what they're doing. Nothing out of the ordinary is likely to happen - they're just going to be ogling some nekkid bits.

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Boyfriend going to strip club

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