Unwanted staring at the workplace?

Oop. Sorry. I was reading this and replied from my phone earlier and did not see how many pages and posts there were. I just got the first page. HR is really the best bet.

I cranked out a reply to this post as soon as I got back home after traveling, but it got lost somehow. I was tired, and didn't have the energy to reproduce the post. So I gave up and moved on to other things.

But I have decided to go through the frustration of typing out the long e-mail again because there are things about talk72000's post that need to be addressed.

First off, to get the record straight on schooling, I went to a co-ed school right from start. So did most people of my age I have known. Yes, there are all-girls and all-boys institutions, but they're a staggering minority.

So where do you get that statistic from? And which time in India's history does it actually refer to? Perhaps, you were pointing to the financially weaker sections of the country, and in that case, I'm guessing, there might be some degree of truth to it. Though most people, who have the good fortune of going to school in the country, usually study in the co-ed's. So I'd say it was a very uninformed assumption on your part.


And regarding Bollywood - I don't know how many B-movies you've watched; perhaps quite a few as I am familiar with your love for the industry - your comment on the stereotypical stalker protagonist was a gross generalization. Bollywood heroes do not behold their potential love interest, or "stalk" them for that matter, like the creepy way this guy does. Yes, it's sometimes annoying to the heroine, but it's annoying in a very, let's say, sweet way, and in her tiny little heart she knows she likes him - in the Scarlett O' Hara - Rhett Butler way I believe - only it takes her some time to come to terms with her feelings . Blah, blah, blah.

***But Hello, but this is not a B-movie? This is a real-life situation. And a potentially threatening one at that. And this guy is obviously not your naughty-in-a-charming-way guy next door just trying to woo the girl of his dreams. Heh.***

Also, I'm amused how comfortably you've put the blame for the scenario on the B-movies. If you've been trying to drive at that men in India try to emulate the Bollywood heroes, then I've bad news for you - that's certainly not been the case with the well-educated, sophisticated men I've had the good fortune of associating with.

And the sort of men you're referring to - who do not get the opportunity to interact with the opposite sex - usually hail from the financially underprivileged sections of the society. Some of them don't even get to procure primary education, which I assume is the main reason for their minimal exposure to females - and I'm pretty sure, some of them haven't watched a Bollywood movie all their lives.* You'd think that's astounding for this country? It's not. You just need to land up in the Dharavi slums of Mumbai, the city where the Indian film industry is based, and in no time, you would find people who've never heard of Amitabh Bacchan. (This is a really popular actor in the country, though I find all the hype about him very unnecessary and undeserved.)

The point is, it's a very complicated and serious social concern in the country, and I don't think we can get away by blaming it on the movies.

Just an aside: And though I choose not to watch Hindi movies because of unengaing plotlines and crappy acting these days, I know from people's conversations that the movies have taken a huge detour from the guy-woos-girl storyline.

*My starer has to be a graduate (one who's completed a bachelors degree in India), at least, to be working in this organization.

My weekend was good, thanks. Spent time with old classmates - basically watched them get drunk, then throw up and do the wonted silly stuff.

Sort of got my mind off this whole thing. But now it's back to reality, as I gear up to spot this guy in the cafeteria tomorrow. Hope he's there, because I'm sure he was on leave or something on Friday. I also plan to confide in to one of the two of my closest colleagues - who's a woman incidentally - about this whole thing. Right now, my boss and the HR woman are the only two people who know about this. As this colleague is a female herself, I thought it might benefit her to know stuff like this happens.

Hope your weekend was good, too.

And I forget, I have to thank everyone who's chimed in.

The good advice here has given me a lot of confidence to confront this situation.

re your reply to talk72000 (and that's all he is...talk)....

BRILLIANT!

In any culture, I wonder where this belief of "she originally found him repulsive. He stalked her, finally she could not control herself any longer, and fell in love with him."

Actually, I do have some thoughts on this. Perhaps it's the fantasy of someone (male) who feels award around women, and that at some point, Because of his inability to communicate in an acceptable manner, the woman desires him.

Turn this around.
Say I'm a awkward, socially inept, frump of a girl. Surely a wonderful handsome man will fall in love with me because I'm such a mess.
Yeah, right.

That does happen --- not with the Hollywood/Bollywood "catches" perhaps, but the psychopaths of the world operate in much this way to trap their victims.

sgal -- I agree your response to Talk was brilliant. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders. Keep listening to your gut -- it's yelling at you for a reason.

A couple of times in the past I've had somebody who sat between me and a window crying that I was staring at them when all I was doing was lo0king at the outdoors long enough to refocus my eyes.

Maybe he's staring at someone behind you, but if it's happened more than once, probably not. Do you always sit in the same place? Who gets there first?

Move behind him?

Take notes, dates and times.

Notify HR.

You shouldn't have to put up with it if it is stalking, but I'd make sure it's real first.


Edit - I just read your last post and I think you are in firm command of your senses here. Sounds like you are doing the right things.

I still think she needs to "woman-up" and IN FRONT OF A WITNESS, confront him - "I notice that you are often staring at me. Can you tell me why? It makes me uncomfortable. I am asking you to stop it or I will have to report it to HR."

HR will warn him before any action can take place. The warning will be put into his file - and hers.

Harassment is REPEATED offensive action, not just a one time thing.

Such a pretty girl will encounter this again. She needs to be more self assured.

Punkey,
If I publicly humiliate this guy, do you understand I could invite further trouble? If he's one of those screwed-in-head types, he might try attacking me or something.
I hope you read what's been mentioned about acid attacks on this thread.

I think this is exactly the wrong thing to do. It will put her in a more dangerous situation if this guy is nuts, and will probably have a negative impact on her career since to most people she will be the nut who went off in the lunch room. On the off chance that this guy is just shy and not a stalker, it will significantly damage his reputation, feed the rumor mill and could result in an HR complaint against her. That is why you have a trained HR department to handle these types of cases. When done correctly, they will find the truth of the matter and resolve it with minimal risk to all parties involved.

The Mask of Sanity

Wrong, Punkey. She doesn't need to "woman up" to a potential psychopath.

Exactly my feelings.

I think I would be careful about involving the other colleague. Then you might have to worry about what she might do, including even staring at him, but potentially interfering in an effort to help.

I re-read Punkey's post and found this very disturbing:



Groping someone "once" is not sexual harrassment?

I haven't told her. I wanted to, but a voice inside prompted me to keep my little mouth shut.

Maybe I'll keep mum about this for some more time. I'll know when it's time to let the thing on.

Good. I'm not sure I'm right, but a similar little voice made me suggest you not tell her.

Punkey - Your suggestion may work in the US, (though I wouldn't suggest it); but considering the dangerous climate in India, the behavior you advocate may have very dangerous consequences for spidey.

Interesting that you see it as a huge detour. We get current Hindi films here (some of them have their grand openings in Toronto because the audience is massive here), and I just don't see (I've been watching the films on and off with colleagues since about 1983) that huge change.

By North American standards the films' handling of male/female relationships still seems bizarre and inappropriate and the whole "takes her some time to come to terms with her feelings" viewpoint is to my way of thinking only millimetres from the earlier hero/stalker presentation.

Much like the sexual harassment legislation status, relationships in films from the sub-continent are much like we saw here about 40 years ago . There's still more change I'd like to see here, but Doris Day/Rock Hudson films wouldn't find much of an audience these days.

In any case, talk72000 wasn't far off in his presentation of what those films are about. Doesn't matter if fewer people base their romantic strategies on them - some do (I've got more than a couple of anecdotes of them in action in the last 2 - 5 years). I think discounting his perspective about the films is a mistake. The films continue to perpetuate bad stereotypes - they continue to have an enormous fan base - hopefully, the industry will move forward and take its audience along.

If you could give me examples of movies where the hero stalks his potential love interest, we could take this discussion from there.

I wasted an entire childhood watching Bollywood, and I don't think I ever felt a hero's pursuit of a girl qualified as stalking. You know there's a difference between stalking and wooing. Usually it was the villain who stalked, and the hero would kick his butt to win over the girl.

And just because Bollywood has a huge fan base, doesn't mean people actually try to emulate the reel-life behavior of the actors. It's the same as saying watching porn encourages men to treat women as sexual objects. Who has proven that? No one.

I could understand people picking fashion trends from the movies, but most sane people don't expect Bollywood kind of stuff to repeat in their lives. I honestly think most people are very practical to not get too carried away by Bollywood.

I live in this darn country, you know.