Personal questions

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I don't just mean about money, politics, or sex which I never ask. For instance, a coworker said she moonlights at a 2nd job and then comes in to her day job, and she's tired. I asked her where else she works. Both jobs are retail stores. Anyway, she went, "somewhere"

A coworker said about waiting on her ride. I asked who is picking her up from work. She told me not to worry about it. Next thing I know, management hears about it.

Asking a coworker going on a cruise if the company pay that much money to someone of her title for her to be able to afford one. She went, "no but my husband is taking me."

Walking up to someone borrowed from another dept for the day if she's transferring to ours permanently. That was the first day I met her.

You get the idea.

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Anyway, I only recently found out that there are 2 categories of personal questions, not just the one obvious ones about money, politics, and sex. The 2nd less obvious category are ones that are personal only some of the times with some of the ppl. It's best not to ask that kind unless someone voluntarily reveals the information. Of course, most ppl would never voluntarily reveal about their salary or sex life.

Maybe most ppl don't pick up on this concept until post college age. I only recently knew. I never knew before not to ask a Hispanic coworker why she don't have a Spanish last name.

Or asking the assistant manager if my supervisor is working from home the other day. On another occasion, I asked him if corporate is working overtime when I found out they deleted my shift on a Saturday.

Or asking a vacationing coworker how long she'll be gone and the dates. Those were never taught me so he should I know not to ask?

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@Angel23,

Empathy.

Main Entry: em·pa·thy
Pronunciation: \ˈem-pə-thē\
Function: noun

Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empathēs emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion — more at pathos
Date: 1850

1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner ; also : the capacity for this

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@Butrflynet,

There is also the understanding of the sentence, "It is none of your business", which is how I think people are reacting to your inquiries even if they don't say that sentence. I don't mean to be mean saying that I don't think you understand this sentence, just to point it out. People don't have to tell others who is picking them up, or similar details. I think you are probably taken as a nosy person for asking. They will tell you on their own if they want to.

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@Angel23,

Angel23 wrote:

Those were never taught me so he should I know not to ask?

Many of these questions are kind of fine if you are asking just to make casual conversation with a close friend. Something tells me that you are not close friends with your coworkers and that your motivation isn't merely just for casual conversation.

I believe that you are asking these questions for whatever ulterior motive that only you know but that the people being asked know to some degree that you aren't asking these questions out of mere friendly curiosity.

Quote:

I never knew before not to ask a Hispanic coworker why she don't have a Spanish last name.

Why would anyone actually care about that?

Quote:

Or asking the assistant manager if my supervisor is working from home the other day. On another occasion, I asked him if corporate is working overtime when I found out they deleted my shift on a Saturday.

Or asking a vacationing coworker how long she'll be gone and the dates.

These subjects are only broached by someone with a not-so good agenda.

I don't believe you have established a friendly enough rapport with any of these coworkers that would allow personal questions. I don't think anyone there is comfortable answering these types of questions coming from you. You have to gain their trust with them (that you're sincere in wanting to find out things about them) not that you will use this new found info to further an agenda, etc.... You will also need to share any personal info (the equivalent of what you are asking) in return.

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@Butrflynet,

"seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another." Alfred Adler

"If you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it." Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)

"Only curiosity about the fate of others, the ability to put ourselves in their shoes, and the will to enter their world through the magic of imagination, creates this shock of recognition. Without this empathy there can be no genuine dialogue, and we as individuals and nations will remain isolated and alien, segregated and fragmented." Azar Nafisi

"Each one of us has lived through some devastation, some loneliness, some weather superstorm or spiritual superstorm, when we look at each other we must say, I understand. I understand how you feel because I have been there myself. We must support each other and empathize with each other because each of us is more alike than we are unalike." Maya Angelou

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Read these articles, Angel. Then come back and tell us what you thought of them.

http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html

http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/05/14/empowerment-tools-recognizing-defining-and-respecting-boundaries/

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@Angel23,

I think perhaps a part (maybe a big part) of this is that you're co-workers have experienced in the past the results of getting into conversations with you, and suddenly finding themselves in uncomfortable territory. So, they've learned just to avoid interactions altogether.

You mentioned in your posts you never ask about money. However, in the examples you gave, you do ask about money, both directly and indirectly.
If someone asked me how I could afford to take a cruise or vacation, I'd be pretty standoffish to you.
Someone works a 2nd job, most likely for extra money. It's really no ones business what she's doing to make it, or where. etc.

I'm trying to put myself in the place of the people you are asking these questions. I'm thinking of people who have come into my life that I thought were asking me uncomfortable questions.

A big thing I feel in my gut is that your questions to someone seem really random, catching people off guard. I know you want to be friendly, but it's probably better if you ask friendly, non-threatening questions about what you and the other person are directly doing with each other.

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@tsarstepan,

My only intention was to have a casual conversation. And yeah I treated everyone like best friends bc idk how to be respectful and friendly w/o doing so. The only other way I know how to treat ppl is with contempt which I don't wanna do. Everything is either black or white to me. It's either one extreme or the other w/o any middle ground.

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@chai2,

Yeah I'm just learning what's personal and what's not, apart from the obvious ones like money or sex. I don't want ppl talking **** ne more

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Someone at work said she works the next day. I replied that 8 days straight is a lot at once. She told me not to keep track of her hours like that. I didn't even work on all 8 days she did.

Same person asked me to help with her smartphone work email. I came across a personal website that she saved on her phone and read it out loud. She wasn't too happy with that but idk y since she handed me the phone to help with the email.

Another coworker was talking about her family member with another person. I asked if that family member is 24 yet. She got uncomfortable and went idk. My supervisor got on me for asking and said to let ppl voluntarily reveal informal rather than ask.

We were talking about the current task at hand and hard aspects of it. Marianne* said she used to work at fast food but was let go bc she couldn't keep up with the pace. I asked her which one. She answered...uncomfortably.

Asking ppl's schedule in detail. "What's ur hours this week?" "How about next?" "Ok so when's the last date ur scheduled so far?" All in the same conversation with the same person. That happened multiple times.

Asking ppl I barely knew (bc they're new) when they graduated high school as a conversation starter. Same for how old they are.

Asking a person borrowed from another location who her boss is. Actually I tried to Guess the specific person. Turned out she had just became the boss.

But idk...

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@Angel23,

It's really hard to know exactly what's going on unless we were right there listening to the conversations. Some of your questions seem fine, some iffy. Maybe it's the way you're asking...

Anyway, my thought below in red on some of your last post...

Angel23 wrote:

Someone at work said she works the next day. I replied that 8 days straight is a lot at once. She told me not to keep track of her hours like that. I didn't even work on all 8 days she did.

I'm not sure why she didn't like what you said. I think 8 days in a row is a lot too, and would have said so. Maybe she didn't expect you to know that she had already worked 7 days? How do you know that anyway? Is there a schedule there for everyone to see? Or do you have to go out of your way to know what days everyone is working? Personally, I might look to see if someone I'm friendly with is working on the same day, but I wouldn't be looking at everyone.

Same person asked me to help with her smartphone work email. I came across a personal website that she saved on her phone and read it out loud. She wasn't too happy with that but idk y since she handed me the phone to help with the email.

It doesn't make sense to me that someone who didn't seem too pleased with you in the section above would be asking you for help with her smartphone. Personally, if I thought someone was being nosey, I'd avoid asking them for help about anything.
Was the website you read out loud embarrassing or something? Again, I wouldn't go handing my phone to anyone if I thought they might see some personal website I'd been on. In this case, I think she's a little odd frankly. Then again, I wasn't there.

Another coworker was talking about her family member with another person. I asked if that family member is 24 yet. She got uncomfortable and went idk. My supervisor got on me for asking and said to let ppl voluntarily reveal informal rather than ask.

Your supervisor has made an excellent point, and really applies to all of these examples you gave.
Frankly, it always seems like you are bombarding people with questions. I've known people like that, and it feels like you're being interrogated, not having a conversation.
Start to ask more open ended questions, and let them decide how much information they want to give you. When they stop providing information, or change the subject you know they have said everything they want to say for the time being.

Instead of asking such blunt questions such as "When is she turning 24, what is your schedule, how far ahead," etc. Just listen to what they are saying and perhaps respond "That's interesting" or "That sounds like fun" or "Sounds like your cousin is having a tough time" then be quiet and let them talk more. Other phrases to use (when appropriate) are "That's interesting, tell me more", "How did you figure that out?", "Did you have a good time?"....general things like that.

We were talking about the current task at hand and hard aspects of it. Marianne* said she used to work at fast food but was let go bc she couldn't keep up with the pace. I asked her which one. She answered...uncomfortably.

What difference does it make where she worked? If you wanted to know if she worked at the same one you did, it may have been better to say "yeah, it's fast paced. I used to work at McDonalds, so I know what it's like" Then if she worked at McD she probably would say so, if she didn't say anything, then in none of your business.

Asking ppl's schedule in detail. "What's ur hours this week?" "How about next?" "Ok so when's the last date ur scheduled so far?" All in the same conversation with the same person. That happened multiple times.

I wouldn't like it if someone was, in my opinion, grilling me about when I'm going to work. Why are you doing that? Just wanting to know isn't good enough.

Asking ppl I barely knew (bc they're new) when they graduated high school as a conversation starter. Same for how old they are.

You don't ask people their age. You can ask where they went to high school, but not when. Let them volunteer.

But idk...

I have to be honest, it seems like all of your current co-workers are very on guard with you, and it will be a hard nut to crack.

Don't be so anxious to please everyone, be everyone's friend, be someone's friend immediately, etc.
Time takes time.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Thx.

There wasn't a schedule for everyone to see. Our schedule comes in each of our private online account. She thought I was tracking her hours. And took the time to explain why it made her uncomfortable, which is good since very few ppl ever verbally pointed things out to me.

As for the smart phone incident, she acted as if I directly went on her phone or computer without her permission. The personal site she saved was an Applebee's survey and I read out loud the title of it. She almost flipped.

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IMHO I will not answer certain questions as a matter of course because some things are very private to me & quite frankly its no-ones business anyway. It will also depend on who the person is. If I do not trust them I surely will not spread my business around. My supervisor once told me that his significant other woke him in the middle of the night to make love, now that's way TMI!! I would not talk about that to anyone! In some respects I am very private & I like to keep it that way!

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