Unwanted staring at the workplace?

@chai2,

I agree to certain level. I'd give the loser the benefit of the doubt first. He may be socially ackward or maybe he doesn't realize he is making you feel uncomfortable. So first, I would appoach him. Allow that maybe he is just a bozo - say something along the lines that his staring makes you uncomfortable. Ask him to stop or however wording would make you feel the most comfortable.

As you are currently in the office, I wouldn't worry about safety at this point. If he doesn't change after you approach him nicely in the office, then report him to HR. There is protection under the harrassment policy in HR I would imagine - they would then be required to investigate.

Personally - I would hate to see this go get into trouble or even be embarassed by HR approaching him on this if it is simply a mis-understanding.

1 Reply

@spidergal,

One other thought - you could call HR and ask their advice or what the harrassment policy is - that way you would see how they would react to your "complaint".

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@Izzie,

I have been of two minds about approaching him, but now that all of you say no to it, I won't do it. He could be dangerous, who knows right?

Thanks Izzie.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

oh brother.

Forget that nonsense about wearing unflattering cloths and eyeglasses.

What, it's now the womans obligation to go out and buy clothes she Doesn't look good in, or God Forbid, wear EYEGLASSES? (said with sarcasm, since women who wear eyeglass do manage to somehow breed as well as women without)

Sexy librarians anyone??

Quote:

Take it that this person is already stalking you, and act accordingly.
Going up to him and saying Anything is encouragement to him. He doesn't care if the attention is negative, positive, or neutral.

Well said.

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#1, since you work together, I would report him to Human Resources, so that a paper trail is initiated.

They will address this individual as a neutral third party. Best case scenario, you misinterpreted this whole thing and perhaps he'll change his behavior to avoid the appearance of being a creepy entity.

Quote:

If he is a stalker, he will continue to do so until he finds another object of interest.

Don't let this happen to another innocent individual. Take the issue to HR and start the twice mentioned paper trail and get this guy's attention via a safe and circuitous real world firewall.

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But I don't know this guy's name or which department he works for? How in the world is HR supposed to hunt him down?

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@Linkat,

The part about approaching him obviously has everyone divided. I really don't know if approaching him is a good idea, Linkat.

Maybe I should just start with talking to HR.

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@spidergal,

Can you approach someone from the security department who might recognize and name him or at least approach him and get his id?

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@spidergal,

HR will take care of this for you. You feel threatened, you should report it. They'll probably pull out a picture org chart or look at video, but don't feel that you have to have the situation partially solved for them to help you.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

chai2 wrote:
That is truly how a stalker thinks.

We've certainly had enough posters wondering if someone will realize their feelings if they just look/stare. They're not all stalkers. Some of them just don't know how to approach someone.

In some cultures, people haven't traditionally approached someone they're interested in without some kind of family/friend introduction/intervention.

Well, that's kinda too bad for them.

If someone is staring at me every time we are in proximity of each other, I am going to #1 and always look after my own personal safety.

If this means mistakenly thinking someone is a stalker, then so be it.

It's not my goal in life to be the educator of someone who doesn't know what to do beyond staring. Sounds not very friendly of me, but I'd rather have that, then end up a statistic they find hog tied and dead in a ditch outside of town.
I have to wonder how many women who end up like that, got there because they didn't want to seem unfriendly.

For anyone that would say that mostly doesn't happen, well, I don't want to be the one it does happen to. I'm a statistic of 100%.

If it's a cultural thing, involving introductions, well, our young man better start working on finding someone to act as the go-between and chaperon. Doesn't seem that spider gal is interested in being introduced.

I talk to complete strangers all the time, and can flare up a conversation with anyone that I see once in a while in the same place. But, I've also got a very sensitive alarm system, and unwanted staring is an air raid siren.

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Don't approach him. Don't change your routine, appearance, etc. Just go to HR. If you're wrong, you're wrong. If not, then you're relieving not only your own issues but potentially another, future woman's as well.

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@tsarstepan,

tsarstepan wrote:

Quote:
If he is a stalker, he will continue to do so until he finds another object of interest.

Don't let this happen to another innocent individual. Take the issue to HR and start the twice mentioned paper trail and get this guy's attention via a safe and circuitous real world firewall.

I know, I'd hate to see this happen to someone else, but the reality is, this guy has a long life ahead of him.

If a person has stalker like tendancies, having an HR dept of one place he works telling him to back off, will not have any effect on how he behaves with others in the future.

In my personal stalker story, the guy got terminated. That was 20 some years ago. I wonder how many other places he has worked?

It's a cruel truth that sometimes all one can hope to do is save yourself, and warn others.

Warning others is very powerful though.

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@tsarstepan,

tsarstepan wrote:

Sexy librarians anyone??

Stupid, stupid comment.

This woman has a serious problem which requires a serious response and she gets idiot jokes.

Spidergal, go to Human Resources. If you don't get any help, go back and talk to someone at a higher level. Don't let this creep ruin your life for you.

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@spidergal,

Glasses with plain glass without prescription or just frames will do.

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@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

chai2 wrote:
That is truly how a stalker thinks.

We've certainly had enough posters wondering if someone will realize their feelings if they just look/stare. They're not all stalkers. Some of them just don't know how to approach someone.

In some cultures, people haven't traditionally approached someone they're interested in without some kind of family/friend introduction/intervention.

Wait a minute, what you quoted me as saying was taken out of context.

What I said was...
It is absolutely key that you do not do anything that he will interpret as attention.
Where most of us would give up if we didn't look at someone, a stalker thinks "She looked at me! I only had to sit here 500 times for her to look at me. Now all I have to do is sit here abother 500 times for her to look at me again."That is truly how a stalker thinks.

A shy person will not think that, an obsessed person will.

However, the 2 are not mutually exclusive, and I'd beware of a shy obsessed person as well.

1 Reply

@talk72000,

talk72000 wrote:

Glasses with plain glass without prescription or just frames will do.

Stop it.

That is the stupidest advice I can imagine.

Wear glasses and no one will be attracted to you.

Yeah, that'll work.

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@spidergal,

spidergal wrote:

But I don't know this guy's name or which department he works for? How in the world is HR supposed to hunt him down?

He may be doing (or did) this to other females, and they already have a file on him.
He may have already been told to stop harrassing someone, and he did.

Now, you're his new target.

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@squinney,

I agree with squinney. Of course.

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@chai2,

Nods to chai.

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@chai2,

No, it wasn't out of context.

I was saying that I don't agree with you thinking that the looking/staring is always a dangerous horrible thing. Sometimes it is a cultural habit - with no bad intent at all.

Evaluating everything from your perspective is fine for you, but it's more than a bit American-centric, and not always correct.

Putting your entire blurb in large bold letters doesn't make it any more correct, omsigChai.

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@talk72000,

Why should spidergal change anything about how she looks or behaves?

It's the man who's making her uncomfortable who has to change.

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Unwanted staring at the workplace?

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