Unwanted staring at the workplace?

@spidergal,

Quote:

This is the last of your personal attacks on me that I'm addressing.

I have not attacked you, if I have attacked anyone (and I have not) it would be the people who are giving you advise who are not in a position to give you advise. To the extent that you should know that they are in no position to speak on your situation it appears to me that you are opinion shopping, but I have not said outright that you are. I dont know if you are or not, but it looks like you are, and others should be mindful of the possibility that you are.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

I'm not opinion shopping, Hawkeye10. I have nothing personal against this guy. How hard is it for you to understand that his stares were creeping the hell out of me? A lot of guys ogle or smile at me at the workplace, but I'd never encountered the sort of look he gave me. And he's tried more than once to take a seat near me and indulge in the staring. Do you think I cannot distinguish between normal and abnormal staring? That's your problem. I'm very confident about my observations.

I have lots of important things to do in life, and it's hard for me to believe that someone would think I picked up a random guy in a workplace of 500 to waste my time around garnering support for my he's-staring-at-me theory. What the heck.

And let me get this straight about this forum: I've been on A2K for about enough time to know that posters are mostly centralized in a particular geographical location, and I came here for advice understanding very well that sometimes cultural difference can account for incorrect advice. I did not see how my situation was so culturally specific.

A sociopath in India is a sociopath in America. A nutcase in Egypt is a nutcase in Bolivia.

1 Reply

@spidergal,

Quote:

How hard is it for you to understand that his stares were creeping the hell out of me?

What if he were your ideal looking man ? I dont think it was the staring, I think it was his appearance.

1 Reply

@Ionus,

Quote:

What if he were your ideal looking man ? I dont think it was the staring, I think it was his appearance.

that would change it from unwelcome staring to welcomed staring....DUH

That is not the point, we need to take her at her word that it was not welcomed. The question is, the question that was asked, is was his behaviour out of line. We don't have the answer.

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@hawkeye10,

I don't know if you're being obtuse because you're really that thick, or because you're being willfully disingenuous. I suspect the latter, howerver, as this is a political thing with you. It's all a part of your constant refrain about how abused poor, poor men are at the hands of evil women.

Spidergal did not come here to solicit opinions on whether or not this guy was being creepy. She did not come here to solicit opinions about whether or not such behavior is acceptable in her culture. She came to ask people how she could address this effectively within the context of professional behavior in the workplace--and that sort of professionalism is intenational (though i'd not be surprised to know that this had not yet penetrated whatever cave you inhabit).

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

That is not the point, we need to take her at her word that it was not welcomed. The question is, the question that was asked, is was his behaviour out of line. We don't have the answer.

sure we do, it is, in her mind anyway, and even if she's the only person in the company it bothers or happens to, she has the right to not like it and to say something about it

wether anything gets done or can be done, or even should be done, is another matter altogether

1 Reply

@djjd62,

MY CHIP CHATS ON ITS OWN

Drunk

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

....DUH

Try not to type "DUH"...it just makes you seem stupid.

Quote:

That is not the point,

Of course it is the point. The crime is not what he did, but how he looks.

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we need to take her at her word that it was not welcomed.

How exactly does he know that ? ESP ?

Quote:

We don't have the answer.

Whats this "WE" white man ?

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

The question is, the question that was asked, is was his behaviour out of line. We don't have the answer.

Are you capable of reading and understanding what you read, hawk?

spidergal wrote:

What is the best course of action here? Should I approach him personally and admonish gently? But what if the guy is a psycho or psychologically unsound and actually hits back by more aggressive staring?

The question doesn't at all relate to the appropriateness of his behavior. The question is how to get it to stop. Where do you see her asking if his behavior is appropriate? From the title of the thread ("Unwanted staring...") to the question posed in the OP. She has no question at all about his behavior being in or out of line. It's as out as out can be.

1 Reply

@JPB,

Quote:

She has no question at all about his behavior being in or out of line. It's as out as out can be.

It has nothing to do with his behaviour. It has to do with him. It would have worked for a very handsome man. He could be very shy and thinks he is doing well. He should have been told as early as possible by another male without bringing management into it. Having a crush on someone should not involve humiliation or the management.

1 Reply

@Ionus,

where's the proof that it would have worked for a handsome person

you're coming across pretty shallow with that idea

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@djjd62,

You dont think that if he was her pefect man he wouldnt have gotten away with it ? I have seen many charges of sexual harrasement and they all involved someone the woman did not like. I saw some handsome men get away with worse to these same women and they laughed and chatted. It is not the action, but who is doing it that makes the difference.

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@Ionus,

Here you go. A whole new twist to my dilemma, huh?

Frankly, your theory about physical appearance came off as very premature and ludicrous to me. Are you a woman? Maybe you'd have let a handsome sociopath stalk you.

I won't.

Jerks are jerks, no matter how they look. I've dealt with enough good-looking jerks during college (which doesn't necessarily mean I dated them) to know that, and will not let a physically appealing potential stalker have his way with me just because, eh, he is physically appealing.

1 Reply

@Ionus,

For the record, this guy is good looking. He is not my type of good looking, but some girls might fall for him. I noticed for the first time in the meeting that he had biceps, and he looked in really good shape.

1 Reply

@spidergal,

Quote:

He is not my type of good looking

I think the issue is stalking. He might have charmed other girls and he carries on the same routine but our Hema Malini., she IS tough. I applaud your stand but be careful. He may have also charmed the female HR person. He might be the stud of the company and the one who resists him makes him even more determined. Don't humiliate him as he is also senior person in the company and you are a newbie you might be the one to go. It is a tough situation.

1 Reply

@spidergal,

So exactly how do you allow a man into your world ? What is an acceptable introduction ? This harmless clown is smitten with you and you are imagining a violent death.

The creepiness comes from your lack of attraction to him.

There is more violence and rape pepetrated against men but no-one cares about crime, it is women only who must be protected. How seriously would your HR dept have taken it if a man complained about a woman ? Put it on the "to do" list and wait for it to solve itself.

Quote:

your theory about physical appearance came off as very premature and ludicrous to me

It is not a theory. It is a strong trend in sexual harrasement cases. Charming men get away with strong sexual references whilst repulsive men get reported every time.

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@talk72000,

Quote:

I think the issue is stalking.

That would be very hard to prove unless he was in a place where he had no right to be. My understanding is that is not the case.

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He might be the stud of the company

Speaking for us studs, that is not how we operate. We are direct and very succesful. This guy is pathetic and amateurish.

1 Reply

@Ionus,

Quote:

Speaking for us studs, that is not how we operate. We are direct and very succesful. This guy is pathetic and amateurish.

YES, but I have trouble with stringing a guy up for trying.

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@spidergal,

spidergal wrote:

This is the last of your personal attacks on me that I'm addressing.

Anytime that Hawkeye shows up in a thread, the first thing you have to do is remember who he is. This is the man who claims that sexual abuse can be a blessing.

People here run the gamut from exceptionally rational (engineer, e.g.) to obviously deranged, but there are always those who sound normal until you've heard enough to know who they really are.

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There is a difference between a man looking and a man staring. You can be creeped out if a child stares at you, however usually children don't try to follow you to your car or try to harm you. I've been made uncomfortable watching men ogle very young women in a disresptful fashion, there is nothing innocent about it. My best advice for spidergirl is to keep a log of when and where and what times you see him. Don't be obvious about it, you could make a note on your cell so no one else has access to it. Please be careful and be mindful of your surroundings. If you see him anywhere else besides work, that's more alarming. Many women are caught off guard by a very pleasant man who appears non-threating. If his staring is making you uncomfortable, most assuredly, that is your 6th sense kicking in. Good luck and be careful.

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Unwanted staring at the workplace?

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