does she love me

@sffsa,

Thanks for the answers.

OK, I have to ask you about a couple of things, because I'm afraid you're making some big mistakes. Huge, really.

If your parents were German and French, where did you get the idea that it was OK for you, as the groom, to plan a wedding? That isn't the way it's done in Germany or France.

And why would you plan all this and buy wedding supplies and invitations before you even knew if the girl loved you? Before you even proposed!? Your girlfriend...and parents on both sides...are likely to see this as being unacceptably manipulative and controlling. It's like you have made plans for her whole life without asking her. That's scary!

IF you can live together happily, and IF you both decide to get married, THEN you can plan a wedding and a life together. These are not your decisions to make. They are partnership decisions...you must make them together. Just like you'll have to make countless other decisions together for the rest of your lives.

We want your relationship to be a happy one in the years ahead. You won't have that if your plan is to control everything and convince her to go along with you. She is not a child, but an adult. You must treat her as a partner.

1 Reply

@Eva,

my resening is if she doesn't marry me someday(unlikely) i can go sell the sulplys for more money if she does then that is great but i would never force her to marry me she does not know about the sulpplys and plans yet and yes i told her i loved her before i bought the sulpplys read the thread closely and i dont know when i an spoust to perpose so i bought the supllys ahead of time so we would not have to worry about that then help when can i perpose i would never force her todo anything unless she was in life threting danger and it would save her life

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Quote:

she doesn't marry me someday(unlikely) i can go sell the sulplys for more money...

http://msnsmileys.net/k/smileys/Kolobok_He_and_She/girl_haha.gif

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@sffsa,

sffsa wrote:

my resening is if she doesn't marry me someday(unlikely) i can go sell the sulplys for more money if she does then that is great

We have tried to tell you that choosing and buying wedding supplies and invitations would be the bride's choice, not yours.

but i would never force her to marry me

I never said you would! But she might feel pressured to agree with all your plans. That could backfire later.

she does not know about the sulpplys and plans yet and

We have tried to make it clear that she may see this as a breach of trust when you do tell her.

yes i told her i loved her before i bought the sulpplys read the thread closely

I have read this thread extremely closely. You told her you loved her on July 28 or 29, and on July 30 you said you had already purchased invitations and supplies. You did all that in ONE DAY???

and i dont know when i an spoust to perpose

There is no set time. Everyone does it differently. We have given you our best advice, but only you can decide when the time is right.

so i bought the supllys ahead of time so we would not have to worry about that then

In Germany (as well as the USA, where her parents are from), this is the responsibility of the bride and her family. Can they not afford it?

help when can i perpose i would never force her todo anything unless she was in life threting danger and it would save her life

Again, I never mentioned forcing her. I know from personal experience that women in love tend to go along with what their man wants, and sometimes they later regret not doing things the way they wanted. This leads to bad feelings and arguments. So it is very important that you find out what SHE wants, even if she doesn't say it at first. Assuming she accepts your proposal, then keep asking her what she wants to do. Brides dream of their wedding from the time they are little girls. They usually have very definite ideas how they want their wedding to be. And brides' families usually look forward to planning their daughters' weddings. They could be very upset at you for doing this in their place.

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@Eva,

I started to write up a response but I sound like an old witch. I think they need much more experience being lovers and getting along day to day, week to month, while using birth control.

Well, I would think that.

Plus there's the whole "I'll plan this romantic (but also potentially not an economic failure) thing" going on with sffsa. I have a lot of trouble seeing him as ready for marriage, and I don't know anything about his girlfriend.

So, in lieu of my saying more, I'll add that I agree with Eva's post and share CJane's.

I am guessing Germany is not a monolithic place, countrywide. This fellow seems to be from a subculture of the guy running the family, while meaning well overall.

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arons = errands.

Something doesn't add up here and I think someone is pulling our leg . . .

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@PUNKEY,

I see thinking that. But Germany is a big place. I'm not convinced it's a leg pull.

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@Eva,

so should i sell all the wedding sulpplys and yes i did buy the sluppys in one day and set everything up i just did not want the famly to have to worry about the wedding

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@sffsa,

We'll all wait until Eva answers...

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I guess I'm more concerned that sffsa gets zeroed in on ways to do things. I'm not saying it is his fault, but he/you doesn't seem to have experience with play and ambiguity between two people.

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@sffsa,

Yes, sell them. It was not your place to buy them.

After you have proposed (assuming she says yes), you may offer to help her family pay for things if you like. That would be a generous thing to do, and everyone would think well of you for it, even if they want to pay for it themselves.

1 Reply

@Eva,

Actually, I'll argue with that the wife's family pays, at least in the US. Not everyone marries by some blue book rules. I married by myself with my husband (my father was long dead and my mother was dying), in a minor personal ceremony and a party we put together on the next day, and husband's parents said no (I wasn't catholic, etc.)

I'll agree with you, Eva, so far as to say sffsa seems - well, these are my words - pretty controlling, with little clue of how people communicate about issues, or even notice issues.

It seems cultural, but I've no idea.

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@sffsa,

That's true, osso, not all families can do it...but I was responding to his statement:

sffsa wrote:

...i just did not want the famly to have to worry about the wedding

I suppose we really should ask if there are reasons why her family would not do this. Perhaps he had valid reasons for assuming he should take care of it?

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@Eva,

On that I don't know enough, I'll back up. True.

Still, sffsa seems controlling. I'm not saying sffsa is some brute, but I just plain don't get it.

I suppose this is cultural stuff, but, odd to me.

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@Eva,

And on that we surely do not know enough.

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@Eva,

my girl friends family is broke and has lots of bills to pay already they can bearly keep the house they have so little money is that a valid reason because that is why i bought the stuff so the family would not have to worry about it anyways you told me to sell it so i did well most of it i kept the tux the ring and the dress can i keep those or should i sell them to if it was not for me they would be living on the street i pay most of their bills and for most of their idems im would be rich if i didn't but money does not buy happness that to and i donate lots of money to the poor ananotamysly because i dont care if people know me and god know thats all that matters

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@sffsa,

sffsa - goodness gracious me!

you bought the DRESS!!!??? <thud>

<picks self up off floor>

whoa... slow down mate.

I read this thread the other day and in a short time we've gone from "does she love to me" to... "'til death us do part!"

slowly slowly slowly

you must get to know this young lady before getting married - you have much to learn about her... and her you. You sound as tho you are wanting so much to do the right thing... just let a little time go on and really get to know this young woman.... and see how things go...

best of luck to you... please, slow down!

<carry on Eva Razz

>

1 Reply

@Izzie,

we know eachother inside in out

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@sffsa,

okeydokey... just sayin'... you've just told her you love her, and now she's moved in, enjoy it for a little while (unless the customs in your "culture" dictates differently of course, I wouldn't know on that score) - anyhoo...enjoy getting to know each other as "cohabitees" - live a little, laugh a lot, and then enjoy the loving - if she's the one and true person in your eyes, heart and soul and vice versa - then things should be great and after a little time you can get married and spend the rest of your life together - one would hope. Happy days.

Very best of luck to you and keep asking question if needs be. Even better, ask your lady the questions too and make the marriage something you can work on together. That's very exciting.

Have some fun Very Happy

does she love me

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