6
   

does she love me

 
 
sffsa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 11:13 am
@Eva,
i live in berlin i actually learned enilish a while ago how im i doing besides punctuation they never tought me that i did pick up use of commas though so should i get rid of the wedding plans and sell the wedding sluppys and keep the ring the ring was 8000 dollors since it is rather strange to take contral of the wedding plans or is it normal in berlin
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 11:27 am
@sffsa,
Not too bad. Your spelling needs work, though. Wink

Are you German then? Is your girlfriend also German? We have at least three regulars on here who are from Germany: Thomas, Walter and Calamity Jane. We should ask them about engagement/wedding customs in Germany. Like I said before, it seems to me that you're getting WAY ahead of yourself, but I may be completely wrong.

I think I'll send Thomas a pm. He's in his 30s, I think, and is a very bright guy. He has been living and working in the US for the last couple of years. I'd trust his judgment.
sffsa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 11:35 am
@Eva,
yea we are from sachsen i had to move to berlin she moved to i rember so depressed haveing to move away from her she decided to surprise me and move to berlin to i was very happy about that she said she could not bear living in a different place(i dont know what they call the different places to live in enlish sorry she said im tranlateing the convertsating from germnd to english as i said our main language is germnd(she does not even speak enlish)) anyways plese get back to me as soon as posable
0 Replies
 
Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 11:55 am
Eva, I'm 41! But thanks for the compliment. Laughing

Okay, let me go through sffsa's list as best I can. (Full disclosure: I've been single for over 15 years, and there's probably a reason for that. Don't take any dating advice from me except with a spoonful of salt.)

sffsa wrote:
1.is there a way to approch this without posibly loseing the friend ship

I suggest you have a bottle of wine with her, get just tipsy enough, and then give her a kiss, tell her you love her, yadda yadda yadda. By "just tipsy enough", I mean tipsy enough to blame your move on the alcohol if she reacts offended, but sober enough that she can accept your attempt as sincere if she wants to say yes. Do not, however, drink as much as you think it takes to drown your nervosity. Given your anxiety about her, that would most likely turn you into a brute.

sffsa wrote:
2.how big is the cance that she'll be thrilled

Based on your description of how she acts, I think you're likely to succeed. I'd give you an 80:20 chance.

sffsa wrote:
3.should i just email this thread to her

No. That would come across as cowardice, which is a major turnoff.

sffsa wrote:
4.any tips i never done this before this is the first girl i loved like this

As one of the shoe companies here in America likes to say: "Just do it!"
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 01:02 pm
what kind of danger does she put herself in for you?
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 04:23 pm
@sffsa,
Thomas, you didn't read far enough down the thread!

(edit: spelling corrected)

sffsa wrote:
thanks eva now i have a girlfriend! she was actually having the same problem. she could barely stay still after i told her how i felt. i really wish there were more people to help with things like this like you. just one more question: when do i pop the question?

sffsa wrote:
i already got the wedding all planned out and the all the supplies ready and still buying a heck of a lot more. it will be really fancy and the priest is just waiting for me to schedule the wedding. i just need help knowing when to pop the question but i have no experence with proposing for marriage. can you please help me determine when to pop the question and how? i just dont know how long to wait but im ready and i have the wedding materials and invites hidden well so she does not expect me to propose. only i have the key to that storage room and the priest is keeping his mouth shut too i promised if someone offers him money to spill the beans i will triple it. am i approching this correctly or do i want her to figure this out? i gathered from your post she cant figure out how to tell if the time is right but the problem is i cant figure out when the time is right either

Eva wrote:
What country do you live in, sffsa? I'm in the middle of the USA, and I find this rather strange. It is common here to be boyfriend-girlfriend for at least a year or so before becoming engaged. And once engaged, it is the bride who plans the wedding, not the groom. I would be scared if a guy came on that fast and wanted to control everything. But perhaps that is not unusual where you live?

sffsa wrote:
i live in berlin...so should i get rid of the wedding plans and sell the wedding supplies and keep the ring (the ring was 8000 dollars) since it is rather strange to take control of the wedding plans? or is it normal in berlin?


Thomas
 
  3  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 04:41 pm
@Eva,
U-oh I'm sorry!

As far as living together before marriage is concerned, I'd say Germany is pretty similar to the USA. And for good reason. Living together before marrying makes or brakes the relationship by testing whether it works in the real world, I don't think it would be wise to cut this step short. You may be madly in love now, but before you marry, you should know you still love each other ---

  • after you find that she snores in her sleep;
  • after you both find out that she's an early riser and you're a night owl;
  • after the two of you have negotiated who mows the lawn, who cleans the toilet, who washes the dishes, and how to split the bills;
  • in short, after you've figured out all those non-romantic aspects of marriage you're not thinking about right now, but that inevitably come bundled with marrying.

Eva's year of living together sounds like a good rule of thumb to me. If she's The One, you'll have all your lives together, and waiting a year won't change much. If she's not, you want to find out before you marry not after. So propose after you figured it out. Viel Glueck!
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:06 pm
@Eva,
Actually, I didn't say anything about living together...

Eva wrote:
It is common here to be boyfriend-girlfriend for at least a year or so before becoming engaged...


But Thomas does make some good points. Whether you live together or not (and I wouldn't suggest doing anything that violates your or her principles, if that's an issue) it's extremely important that you (at least) discuss in depth all the important stuff like role expectations, finances, children, religion, where & how you want to live, etc. before you marry. If you can't agree on these things, you won't have a successful marriage. Believe me when I say that love is NOT enough! You have to want the same things.

Since the two of you have known each other for some time already, I would think you may already have talked about some of these. So...just ask her!

Regarding timing a proposal: everyone does this differently. It really depends on the two of you.

And wedding planning...the ring is fine, but tell her if she wants a different design, you will exchange it. Some women think it's romantic that a guy picked out their ring, but other women want to choose their own. Since she's going to wear it every day, make sure she really likes it. If I were you, I would ask her about all the rest of the wedding plans. Women usually have very definite ideas about those things.
0 Replies
 
Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:11 pm
As to planning the wedding---this is something you should talk about after you propose and she said yes. (I already offered my opinion that you should wait with that until you see how living together works out for you.) Traditionally (when my parents married for example), planning the wedding is the privilege of the bride and her family. Younger couples (my age or yours) sometimes go traditional, sometimes the couple plans it together. Either way, I would strongly advise against planning the wedding behind her back, without even talking with her about it, and before she even agreed to marry. She could see that as a breach of trust---and German mores, traditional or modern, would side with her against you if she did.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:14 pm
@Thomas,
I am a little put back by the poster and gf enthusiasm. I think they are still in infatuation land, which I don't trust for a millisecond. Sometimes that works out, but mostly it does not. (Don't make me search for data. That would bore me.)

I've been reading this thread bemused. I do hope that past our german/english communication difficulty, that our poster and the woman he loves learn to communicate before diving into some extravagant ceremony representing their whole lives, orchestrated by him, and acquiesced to by her.

It doesn't seem to me this is likely.

Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:16 pm
See, I knew you would know the customary way this is handled in Germany!
(Same as in the US, apparently.) Thanks, Thomas!!!

So there's your answer, sffsa.

Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:17 pm
@ossobuco,
ossobuco wrote:
I am a little put back by the poster and gf enthusiasm. I think they are still in infatuation land, which I don't trust for a millisecond.

The last time you were in infatuation land, how much did you care if your enthusiasm put somebody back? And why you expect sffsa to care more about you? Very Happy
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:20 pm
@ossobuco,
This will sound nosy, but are you two perhaps of turkish heritage?

I don't mean that as a negative, two of my favorite writers are either from Istanbul or living in Germany and writing crime procedurals..

I don't mean to be nosy, as I said, but knowing more about your circumstances could help.
0 Replies
 
Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:22 pm
@Eva,
You're welcome, Eva. T'was about time for me, since I was already on my second strike about not reading your posts right....
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:26 pm
@Thomas,
Well, of course no one just cares that I, someone in internet space, has an opinion, much less someone questioning infatuation tharn. But, the fellow asked a question.

0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:31 pm
@Thomas,
I don't expect sffsa to care about me - have to think, does that mean when any of us ever post on a2k we expect to be cared about 'me'?
0 Replies
 
sffsa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:35 pm
@Thomas,
were are already making arargnements to live togeter she is at my house most of the time anyways even now for exaple she but she does not speak enlish and we already split the arons it works out great should i perpose to her by the way if infatuated means madly in love with eachother then yes if not someone define the word i was nerer tought that word and i used to only speak germnd
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:36 pm
Oh, Osso...you're just a hopeless romantic, aren't you! Laughing

Yes, they do sound like they're infatuated with each other. And that, of course, will pass. I hope they make the most of it while it lasts! But it also sounds like they have known each other for some time and built a good friendship. That is a better basis for marriage than many couples have. I'm optimistic for them.
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:42 pm
@sffsa,
sffsa wrote:

were are already making arargnements to live togeter she is at my house most of the time anyways even now for exaple she but she does not speak enlish and we already split the arons it works out great should i perpose to her


That is GREAT! Did you tell her you love her? Did she say the same to you?

Just take it one step at a time. Don't go too fast. Telling her your feelings was one big step. Moving in together is another big step. After you've lived together for a while, you will have a better idea what being married to her will be like. Then you can make that proposal with your head as well as your heart.

Meanwhile, enjoy these early days of togetherness!

P.S. What are "arons"? ("we already split the arons...")
sffsa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2010 05:44 pm
@Eva,
yes i already told her i love her ist that what you ment by tell her my feelings are deeper but yes we say we love eachother every night and day and times inbetween by the way arons like the dishes ,cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, takeing out the garbage, paperwork ,ect sorry if my spelling is of i just learned enlish and how long must i wait i really wanna marry her
0 Replies
 
 

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