My child knows not to do that ---- or so I thought

First grader, interesting age. Back in my childhood, seven was considered the age of reason, thus time for First Communion and confession.

I think it must be hard to teach a child to be wisely wary and still not shut them off from liking people and learning to talk with them over the years. One afternoon when I was eight I got home from school before my mother got home (this was very rare, probably the only time), I asked the building doorman to let me into our apartment. That turned out to cause my one and only spanking. I didn't get it, the doorman was nice, and no, didn't hurt me. I didn't understand until years later.

the better question is why are you filling your kid with fear and causing her emotional pain? I sure hope you are not sending her mixed messages by letting her trick-or-treat, or taking the candy from the bowl at businesses.

The answer to your question is that she thought that she would like to have the lollipop.

One time I was talking to a child of about 6 in a playground when his older brother came over and scolded him. The child asked me, "are you a stranger?"

In other words, kids just don't know any better!

I didn't offer him any candy.

She probably felt safe because both of her parents were there with her.

Is she (like I was) the type of kid that needs to know the "why" behind the rules before she'll agree to them? Have you, your husband and adult friends done any roleplaying with her so she can practice putting the rules into action?

Giving Hawkeye's opinion some consideration, you might want to come up with some kind of family password for the girls to use. That way they don't have to remember all these various rules, who is and who is not a stranger, and what circumstances each of the rules are to be followed. This way they don't live in fear. Empower them with a family password and a single rule they need to know: that anyone but you, and people you designate, needs to be asked for the family password and be given the correct one before she accepts anything, obeys a request of theirs, etc...

A much more simple solution is to say that they can accept, but they can not eat without permission. My kids when young were required to get permission to eat candy even at home. People who wanted to be nice to my kids were not made to feel like they had done something bad, and my kids were not made to feel like they had done something bad by accepting a gift with gratitude.

My kids also had a going somewhere permission requirement, so I did not need to worry about them agreeing to get into someone car, for instance.

We also had a family password which we called a "secret code" and no one
outside the family could know the secret code. I wasn't afraid of her accepting
candy from strangers but rather someone telling her that her Mom was injured and they would bring her to the hospital (that scenario was played out in school by a visiting police officer).

I too think that your daughter felt safe to accept candy with both of her parents being in the store and within reach.

I am sorry, Linkat, But I think you did exactly the wrong thing.

1. The most important way to keep your kids safe is to establish communication. Your kids need to be confident that they are able to talk with you, without fear that you will overreact. You don't do this by overreacting.

2. Yes, I said overreacting. Your daughter was in a public place near her parents. She was in more danger of harm when she was in the car driving home with you, then she was in her interaction with this gentleman.

You might point out correctly that a first grader doesn't know enough to know danger... and that is the point. How is she going to learn if you react with horror at situation where there is no real danger?

Do you really expect a six year old to go through life in fear? The sad fact is that raising scared kids doesn't even make them safer (see next point).

3. There is very little danger from strangers. The vast majority of sexually abused kids-- over 90%-- are abused by someone they know and trust-- teachers, uncles, girl scout leaders etc.

You might claim that eliminating even a very unlikely danger is worthwhile... but it isn't.

The real way to raise safe kids is to make sure that they can speak to you about anything with full confidence that you will listen with understanding and that you will not overreact. This way you can talk with them about what is going on in their lives, and teach them to discern what is really dangerous as they figure out how to be safe and be a child at the same time.


Overreacting ruins communication. This makes kids less safe overall.

i'd like some candy

I agree that the gentleman should have asked you before giving your daughter anything. I would never do this.

In Boston I have been on both sides of this interaction. My daughter struck up a conversation with some girls her age on the subway... I asked the adult with them if I could share cookies with them. Likewise strangers have offered sweets to my daughter after asking my permission.

If someone gave anything to my daughter without my permission, I would be a bit upset.

Communication is important, Trust is more important. Once kids figure out that their parents can not be trusted to stay sane they start to tune them out, they stop valuing their parents opinion.

hopefully however you would not forget that the parent/stranger relationship is far less important than the parent/child relationship. Wounding the relationship with the child by going off on a stranger in public about this candy transaction is a bad move.

The adult in this situation should have known better -- you don't hand candy out to kids like that. It's the context that was creepy. When someone should know better it's hard not to question their motives.

I believe "don't talk to strangers" is a bad rule, but "don't take things from strangers" is a very good rule. And I think you have to stick with rules because one you start with that "just this one time" crap you've lost all credibility with your kids.

She's so little that even if you're visiting friends they're probably strangers to her. She most likely lost touch with the rule just because your away from home and she doesn't know who is a stranger and who isn't.

I think it was a stupid thing to do without asking the parents first... but I think the word "creepy" is a bit strong for giving a cute kid candy. People who don't have kids probably haven't thought much about this and don't understand the reason we parents might get upset.



The rule with my five year old is... "you need to see me". She doesn't go anywhere where I am out of her sight. We have started talking about bad people taking kids, but the rule design to keep her near me is enough. I am not going to scare her more than this.

The best way to get credibility is to have rules that make sense.

which is exactly why "stranger" rules are a bad idea in general. You can make very sensible rules that will keep your kid safe most of the time with out ever saying the word "stranger". Why load the kid up with this decision making process when it is not necessary? That is not a very nice thing to to do to a kid.

I did this as well...it is a very fine rule for young kids.

wow.

I have given kids candy before. If Im buying some and they see it? most likely they may ask for it Or some gum.

But because I am a woman , its ok

I would never react like that to Jillian.
Im gonna side with Ebroan and even hawkeye in that I think it was not necessary to reduce a child to tears in this situation.

but, no offense meant by that. it is just my own humble, rather loud opinion.

I'm agreeing with several here (oh, ebrown, hawkeye, and boomerang, and probably more, re rules). I don't like, looking back now over decades, the whole thing about strangers. The italian word for foreigners is stranieri.. not that foreigners, strangers shouldn't be words, but those can bring up fear of people, and xenophobia keeps living around us.

I'm for rules to start with, as the children haven't the experiences to have refined judgement re who is who, with increasing information to inform their choices as they grow.

I smile at children in the grocery store, not all the time, but quite a lot, while I also try to make the smile to the parent. I have a frisson once in a while that someone might think that's creepy. Just recently I smiled at a young woman trying with difficulty to install her child in the grocery store cart, and she stopped and looked me and smiled back. I'm an older woman, so that might have been an it's ok signal.

Re:"frisson".... thanks for the new word Osso.

I've helped moms with difficult children and distracted kids who were trying their parents' patience. I flirt unabashedly with babies because they are so much fun. However, I would never offer a stranger's child anything and I identify with the feelings of sheer fright that mom had in this situation. Her response was one of protection. I think to lecture her on generating fear is wrong.