My child knows not to do that ---- or so I thought

of course she would take it and say thank you - that is not the same as accepting a gift - you also remember you cannot address every possible situation that could occur. That is why you explain why and give independence as the child show they are ready for it.

Maybe you showed you were ready for independence at an early age. To be honest my daughters don't seek out huge amounts of independence. Maybe because they are girls or maybe they are just more cautious than other children.

of course she would take it and say thank you - that is not the same as accepting a gift -

you also remember you cannot address every possible situation that could occur.

That is why you explain why and give independence as the child show they are ready for it.

Maybe you showed you were ready for independence at an early age.

To be honest my daughters don't seek out huge amounts of independence.
Maybe because they are girls or maybe they are just more cautious than other children.

It is so funny, when I write somthing I often is taken for a man and a return letter will be for Mr.
My grandfather was a great hunter, my uncle, then my two aunts both hunters and good horseback riders. My father was good hunter, but did not like it very much. He has his little brother bothe thought that horseback riding was more for girls and so was hunting as the two big sisters were so good at it that the two brothers could hardly keep up with them.
Many of my father´s friends were hunters and I know many too. I have nothing against hunters, but weapons in the hands of what I call amatuers.

There is a long history of people being of ambiguous gender here on a2k,
for different reasons including by mistake. Me for example.
I picked a name that apparently can be fun re bones and holes,
just because the last six names I had tried re italian foods had been dismissed.

I live with it. Some pick ambiguous names on purpose.
It can be amazing how people react if they think you are one gender or another.

They are 7 and 11.

They seek out what I feel is appropriate independence for their ages -
fortunately it works because most of the time it is comfortable for me as well.

Sometimes though I have had to "thrust" independence on them.
Like leaving them at school - they didn't cry or anything, but at
least the older one was frightened of it. My younger one was a bit more like me -wanted to go.

Sometimes it is difficult for me as I am a more independent type. I remember sitting on the steps and waiting for the bus to come get me for kindergarten my first day - I couldn't wait to be out of the house and to school. Same for all throughout school. I used to wander alot by myself too, but it was more my personality. I like being independent and alone often.

The complication comes up when you have a husband that is more the opposite - he likes being around others all the time. Neither is wrong - just more what you like.

In short spirts the 11 will take care of the younger - like I run out to get coffee or if they go outside to terrorize the neighborhood, the older will need to keep an eye on the younger, but nothing really major. They do naturally look out for each as close sisters.

I don't know if it was the academics so much about school -
but being without parents and with lots of other kids.

I can enjoy it both ways, alone or not.

A LOT of supposedly well-drilled kids don't get this stuff.

It's why a lot of the "stranger-danger" stuff just doesn't work.

A lot of kids can parrot the mantras, but will happily speak to/take stuff from/
go off with someone we recognize as a stranger.

For instance, if you really talk to kids about what a stranger is they have the oddest (to us) ideas. Lots think a stranger is a weird looking person, or a scary one.

A lot think someone they have seen on TV isn't a stranger.

A lot think someone who serves them in a shop, or whom they see regularly (like the local homeless person) isn't a stranger.

A lot think once someone has said something pleasant to them they aren't a stranger any more.

The list goes on and on.

I understand why you got so agitated, but I do think that it wasn't a very helpful response.

You'll need to sit down quietly with your little one and discuss it when you are all calm.

One method I use with kids is a series of concentric circles with them in the middle, and engage them in a discussion of who is in their innermost circle...people they hug and kiss, who they happily go places with etc. (Parents are often horrified to discover that kids put the guy at the grocery and such in there and suchlike!) Usually mum and dad are in there, maybe a trusted aunt/uncle etc. Depends on what you think.

Next circle is often people like teachers.....and good friends and all...


And so on to people we greet pleasantly, but don't hug or kiss, don't accept stuff from etc. and on to people we see but don't speak to, to people we haven't seen before.

(Obviously this is in context of general education about what touch/behaviour/talk is ok even from people in our innermost circle!! And not having to kiss and hug and such!!)

A big one in the circle stuff is who one might go with (say if mum or dad can't pick you up from school).