My child knows not to do that ---- or so I thought

@plainoldme,

I see your point. We don't know about the candy giver (was this by the bulk food bins? was he just a nice normal person?) But, we also don't know about the candy giver as a possible lurking malevolent. My bet is that he guy was fine, but I see the worry, not so much re the grocery store, but in other aspects of life, say the local park a few years later.

Interesting question. I guess I vote for a lot of discussion. (Most of you know I don't have a family of children, but I did much help raise a woman now in her early twenties.)

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

She most likely lost touch with the rule just because your away from home and she doesn't know who is a stranger and who isn't.

I think this is very sound reasoning.

I can remember going to Disney World as a kid.
There you are, in the Magic Kingdom, everything safe and ok.

Then you get in the car and drive somewhere 50 miles away.
I still felt DW high though, and everything was just so fascinating, and safe.

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Oh, I'm curious.

What did the man say to your husband as to why he did that?

I mean, that is the quintessential thing that strangers do when they mean no good. Unless of course they lost their puppy or kitty.

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Oh, I don't know, even girls 13 to 16 can be fooled by a nice, friendly, fatherly looking man, when he could have rotten and vicious intentions. They don't have any knowledge or experience that such things exist.

Yes, remembering being at the Texas State Fair in Dallas wondering around with $2, my 2 kids going to all those rock concerts in Detroit.

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@Pemerson,

What I mean is, that ploy, offering candy, is cliche.

If the man meant no harm, he had to know that.

As far as wandering around with $2 clutched in your hand, I don't believe child molestation by stranger is one smidge different then from what is is now.

(knowing that most molestation occurs from those who know the child and family)

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@chai2,

Quote:

(knowing that most molestation occurs from those who know the child and family)

wrong

Quote:

Most abusers ARE members of the victim's family, either a caretaker or parent or a close relative

.
http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/child-abuse/abusers.html

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Quote:
(knowing that most molestation occurs from those who know the child and family)
wrong

Quote:
Most abusers ARE members of the victim's family, either a caretaker or parent or a close relative
.
http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/child-abuse/abusers.html

um, isn't that what "most molestation occurs from those who know the child and family" means? Rolling Eyes

wait, I'll answer that....yes, it does.

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@chai2,

"know the Family" suggests that they are outside of the family. It does not accurately reflect how close to home mothers should be looking for those who might be abusing their little girls. It does not accurately explain why getting unhinged when a stranger gives your child candy is so misguided.

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The "stranger" was at fault for offering candy without permission from the parents.

However, I would have a concern that one of the parents was off on another aisle and the other only caught sight of the transaction from the corner of her eye. I am sorry, but my little ones are always in my line of sight, regardless of what I need to do, and I guarantee that this would not have happened since I would have seen the "stranger".

He would have received my wrath if he approached them without permission.

Sorry, but one can never be too careful. This is not paranoia or overprotectionism..... just common sense in today's world.

Children should be made to understand boundaries. Scaring the hell out of them is not the way to do this. Nor is tracking down the "stranger" after the fact. As I said...it should never been allowed to happen.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

What I mean is, that ploy, offering candy, is cliche.

If the man meant no harm, he had to know that.

As far as wandering around with $2 clutched in your hand, I don't believe child molestation by stranger is one smidge different then from what is is now.

(knowing that most molestation occurs from those who know the child and family)

Chai, the difference was: There were just as many creeps then as now, maybe. They just didn't have the nerve to act out what they may have wanted to do. Then, there's the copy-cat thing.

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@Intrepid,

shoulds and coulds.

Corner of your eye is in one's line of sight. Surely you don't mean you never turn your head or body away from a child when they are with you.

I think tracking down the stranger could have helped in several ways.

If the person was really that dense that he never heard the phrase "taking candy from strangers" I think being educated by linkat's ex-marine husband would be a lesson that would last a lifetime. And no, I'm not intimating violence.

When a person finds wrong going on, it needs to be corrected, not blown off or ignored.

I also don't think having the child cry is necessarily a bad thing either. linkat's kid is secure in the fact both parents love her very much.
Her tears could well have been from the realization of her mistake, as from the fact she was reprimanded. I don't know, and neither does anyone else here.

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@Intrepid,

Quote:

Sorry, but one can never be too careful. This is not paranoia or overprotectionism..... just common sense in today's world.

I emphatically disagree with this. Of course you can be too careful!

A few years ago an 11 year old was lost in the woods in Utah for 4 days. A search party of hundreds was unable to find him. Do you know why? Yes, the boy was taught to fear strangers... so when the would be rescuers came close to him, he hid! This paranoia of people trying to rescue him that he was indoctrinated with nearly killed him.

This thinking is irrational. It is hyping up a very very small risk (often while ignoring much greater, realistic risks).

Compare the tiny number of kids who are abducted by strangers from grocery stores with the much much larger number of kids who die in car crashes driving home from grocery stores. It really is ridiculous when you think of it in any rational sense.

There is a difference between irrational overreaction and common sense... this is not common sense.

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@chai2,

Quote:

When a person finds wrong going on, it needs to be corrected, not blown off or ignored

offering a child candy is not agreed to be wrong. It is part of a long tradition, one that is not appreciated by some modern parents, in my opinion normally parents of the overly protective and uptight variety.

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@ebrown p,

Quote:

I emphatically disagree with this. Of course you can be too careful!

absolutely true...our primary job as parents is not to keep them safe till they get to be 18 Years Old, it is to raise competent and well adjusted adults. A parent who is over protective and thus robs their children of experiencing and learning to negotiate this world, both the good and bad parts of it, is a parent who fails in their primary duty.

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@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

First grader, interesting age. Back in my childhood, seven was considered the age of reason, thus time for First Communion and confession.

I think it must be hard to teach a child to be wisely wary and still not shut them off from liking people and learning to talk with them over the years. One afternoon when I was eight I got home from school before my mother got home (this was very rare, probably the only time), I asked the building doorman to let me into our apartment. That turned out to cause my one and only spanking. I didn't get it, the doorman was nice, and no, didn't hurt me.
I didn't understand until years later.

I don 't understand it now. What were u supposed to do, rent another apartment ?

That happened to me also, when I was about 8 or 9: I inadvertently left my key at home,
thereby locking myself out of my house in Arizona, when I returned after school one day.

I broke a window to enter. It turned out to be easier than I 'd imagined.

David

1 Reply

@ebrown p,

Quote:

Sorry, but one can never be too careful. This is not paranoia or overprotectionism..... just common sense in today's world.

ebrown p wrote:

I emphatically disagree with this. Of course you can be too careful!

A few years ago an 11 year old was lost in the woods in Utah for 4 days. A search party of hundreds was unable to find him. Do you know why? Yes, the boy was taught to fear strangers... so when the would be rescuers came close to him, he hid! This paranoia of people trying to rescue him that he was indoctrinated with nearly killed him.

This thinking is irrational. It is hyping up a very very small risk (often while ignoring much greater, realistic risks).

Compare the tiny number of kids who are abducted by strangers from grocery stores with the much much larger number of kids who die in car crashes driving home from grocery stores. It really is ridiculous when you think of it in any rational sense.

There is a difference between irrational overreaction and common sense... this is not common sense.

It surprizes me that we agree, Mr. Brown.
U are obviously right.

David

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@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

That turned out to cause my one and only spanking. I didn't get it, the doorman was nice, and no, didn't hurt me.
I didn't understand until years later.

I don't understand it either (maybe I am not old enough). I can't imagine spanking my child for this. Asking the doorman seems to be a perfectly reasonable thing to do (obviously he already had access to the apartment key).

This was a very low risk thing to do.

What were you supposed to do? Stay out on the street?

1 Reply

@ebrown p,

Quote:

That turned out to cause my one and only spanking.
I didn't get it, the doorman was nice, and no, didn't hurt me.

I didn't understand until years later.

ebrown p wrote:

I don't understand it either (maybe I am not old enough). I can't imagine spanking my child for this.
Asking the doorman seems to be a perfectly reasonable thing to do
(obviously he already had access to the apartment key).

This was a very low risk thing to do.

What were you supposed to do?

Stay out on the street?

I wonder how her mother woud have addressed the same situation ?

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@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

My husband tracked the man down and gave him an earful as well.

From your post, it seems that the donor was within his legal and moral rights to make a gift.
He might have pointed that out to your husband.

A few years ago, I was driving in Upstate New York
and stopped for gas; the gas station also operated
as a convenience store selling food products and miscellaneous items.
A boy (maybe around 10) ahead of me in line to pay the cashier
was short of cash to pay for his purchases.
I gave him a $20 bill, paid for my gas and left.

Altho there can be danger in accepting gifts from strangers,
still, your child was within her natural rights to decide to accept the gift whether u approve or not.

Linkat wrote:

Why did she do this?

Presumably, because she desired to acquire the candy.

I remember being advised similarly by my own mother
at a similar age to reject gifts of cash or candy.
I refused and rejected my mother 's advice
and said that if it happens, I will accept it.

It did not happen until a few years later (when I was 9)
1000s of miles away in a park in Arizona. (Encanto Park)
I was seated at a picnic table, near the parking lot,
waiting for a cab that I 'd called to go to a restaurant,
when a fellow appearing to be in his 80s or his 90s
came over to me (he coud bearly walk)
and inexplicably put a nickel and a dime
in front of me and walked away.

I have no idea what he expected me to do with $0.15

David

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@Linkat,

A LOT of supposedly well-drilled kids don't get this stuff.

It's why a lot of the "stranger-danger" stuff just doesn't work.

A lot of kids can parrot the mantras, but will happily speak to/take stuff from/go off with someone we recognize as a stranger.

For instance, if you really talk to kids about what a stranger is they have the oddest (to us) ideas. Lots think a stranger is a weird looking person, or a scary one.

A lot think someone they have seen on TV isn't a stranger.

A lot think someone who serves them in a shop, or whom they see regularly (like the local homeless person) isn't a stranger.

A lot think once someone has said something pleasant to them they aren't a stranger any more.

The list goes on and on.

I understand why you got so agitated, but I do think that it wasn't a very helpful response.

You'll need to sit down quietly with your little one and discuss it when you are all calm.

One method I use with kids is a series of concentric circles with them in the middle, and engage them in a discussion of who is in their innermost circle...people they hug and kiss, who they happily go places with etc. (Parents are often horrified to discover that kids put the guy at the grocery and such in there and suchlike!) Usually mum and dad are in there, maybe a trusted aunt/uncle etc. Depends on what you think.

Next circle is often people like teachers.....and good friends and all...

And so on to people we greet pleasantly, but don't hug or kiss, don't accept stuff from etc. and on to people we see but don't speak to, to people we haven't seen before.

(Obviously this is in context of general education about what touch/behaviour/talk is ok even from people in our innermost circle!! And not having to kiss and hug and such!!)

A big one in the circle stuff is who one might go with (say if mum or dad can't pick you up from school).

1 Reply

My child knows not to do that ---- or so I thought

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