My sister and I: Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water....

Great for weight loss. Nothing tastes good after a Cold-Eeze.

I understand, being smack up against halloween. Which is, y'know, funnier.


Tell us the day, K.

Give us the time and we'll be there.

Roger's birthday is in May, no?

I kind of figured... <<blech>>.

Hi there, k

I'm coming in on the tail end of this conversation, but have a few things I'd like to add, anyway.

Seems to me that your sister (without even having spoken to you about it) & your mother are dictating what sort of birthday celebration you can or can't have. On the basis of their perceptions of your sister's financial circumstances.

Thing is, the "problem" doesn't have to be defined in this way at all. In fact, the situation doesn't even have to be perceived as a problem. The reality is that quite a number of you are feeling the financial pinch. (I know you haven't exactly been in a position to live the high life for years now. ) Instead of your birthday arrangements revolving around your sister's financial needs, the simplest solution is an economical, affordable celebration which would suit everyone.

In your shoes (as the birthday girl) this is what I'd do: decide on an affordable option that you'd actually enjoy. Without any further negotiation, let everyone know where, when, how & how much it will cost. And say you're hoping to see them all there to help you celebrate. Any problems for anyone, or inability to attend to be directed to you by such & such a date. You can't get any fairer than that.

If your sister can't/won't attend, well so be it. That's her decision. And she should inform you, not your mother. But this nonsense of sending messages via your mother is ridiculous & manipulative (by both of them). Hey, this is your birthday! It's your celebration. It's about you! (perhaps when/if your mother next contacts you with the next installment of why it's all to hard for your sister, you could politely remind her of this. )

I think you go have your meal and enjoy your birthday, and if they come it's THEIR decision, not yours. It seems like announcing what they will and won't do is a passive aggressive way of making their issues yours to deal with.

T
K
O

Why yes. As a matter of fact, we met on a birthday of mine, but I can't recall the year.

I'm sure this has been said before but I feel like chiming in anyway (a roundabout way of bookmarking, I suppose).

Giving your family the illusion of choice will keep some peace. And one thing about having it out with your sister right now is that your parents (who are not wholly innocent in this) get caught in the crossfire. Personally I'd leave the hashing out for a later date, for some time when your folks would not be caught in the middle. Plus it could potentially catch your brother in the middle and he really is innocent in all of this, so far as I'm aware.

Hence I'd propose --

• Plan to have dinner out. Pick a restaurant that's not too chichi but also not a dump. Something decent in the middle of the road, perhaps something ethnic? There are a lot of choices in Boston or on the Cape which would fit the bill. Figure on an average cost per meal which would be middle of the road ($30? $40?). This is meal, possibly with appetizer or dessert, not including drinks or gratuity. There are always more and less expensive items out there. Your family can choose what they want but it would be nice if there were some options.
  
• Invite your family. Explain that everyone goes Dutch or makes their own arrangements as they desire. If your parents want to pay for your sister, it's their choice. They are big people and can make that decision. As for you, plan on paying for your own meal but if someone offers to pay for you, accept graciously.
  
• RSVPs go directly to you. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. This is so you can tell the restaurant how many people are expected. If your sister cannot be bothered to tell you directly then she can tell you via your folks. If your parents want to carry messages then, hey, it's their choice. You do not need to double check. If Mom says Sis isn't coming, then Sis doesn't get the luxury of changing her mind at the last minute. Oops, you said you weren't coming.
  
• Enjoy your family dinner.

I realize this is an avoidance of conflict but from my perspective you are allowed to have a birthday dinner without quite so much damned agita. Hashing out will happen but it need not happen over this.

i'd transcend

invitations to your loving home

i'm thinking lunch on and i'm free next weekend

happy birthday is my fave song and i like to warble

I've refrained from offering advice, simply because siblings will do what they have always done. It's ingrained from childhood. Some make a break, but not everyone can do that.

My bro is the only person to have responded about possible events. I'll talk more with him about it later.

$30-40 IS our expensive end, Jes. I was thinking the S&S Deli for brunch. We did that one year and all enjoyed the hell out of ourselves. I think I had the poached eggs with sliced avocado and hollandaise sauce. Erp.

So now to find a date that works.

Howsabout sticking with this? you know it works.

great summary of life in and around Big Sis

Because, Beth, I want to be with more of my family. No matter how annoyed I am at Sis, if she doesn't come neither do my niece and nephew.

Announce that you are going to be going out for dinner and invite everyone. Whoever wants to attend, will.

Wel l. . . re: the stuffing. It really isn't about the stuffing. Something else is going on.
Possibly martyrdom (Poor me, now all will see how really bad off we are)
provocativeness (take that since you don't bellieve how bad things are) or passive aggressive (I will with-hold the stuffing so you notice how bad things are)

In any case, IGNORE this part of her and her life and just smile. Ask her over for tunafish sammiches just for sister talk.

I never had a sister, and I think it's not all that great since I hear stories like yours all the time.

can't your parents or brother pick up your niece and nephew to join you?

It seems odd that they're a set like that. Actually, not odd knowing her, but odd in comparison to other families I know.

The stuffing things was martyrdom, fear-actor, depression, drama. This chick has a chip on her shoulder that none of us can figure out. She feels the world owes her something.

So, we get the kids and we pay for their meals? Might work.

Well, this is embarrassing considering how much time you all put into this thread. Sis just called. Mom made an assumption which she spread (she does this sometimes) via email. Sis is willing to eat out if there are cheap options. She is happy with the restaurant and date option I suggested.