Son and Daughter-inlaw

It is hot here today, brain function and all....

Can I get the dumbed down translation please??

No it isn't.
He maybe just got tired of the charade.

Who's to say he wanted to do any of the work?

I certainly wouldn't have wanted my mother, or MIL to come in my house missing with my stuff.

I have a hard time believing that a person who cares about their kids, are good parents, would have no problem with the kids spending a full week at grandma's unsupervised if they believed that their was something wrong with Grandma. I think that mom and dad don't care enough about the grandparent/grandchild relationship to do the work to get both in the same place, that it has nothing to do with your allegations that the parents have a problem with the grandparents.

who said there was something wrong with grandma?

a person doesn't have to be dangerous or odd from society's viewpoint to prefer not be around them any more.

as far as that being hard for you to believe, well, that's your issue.

jodie, why did your son choose to move 3 hours away in the first place?

You mentioned you have had certain conversations with your husband, about your son.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall when you son has certain conversations with his wife.

Everyone could mind their own business. If they did, wouldn't you be wondering why you didn't receive a single response?

It's an old famous children's book where the moral of the story is such:
Those who show no will to contribute to an end product do not deserve to enjoy the end product..

Haven't read past this post, but I must say you have no perception going there, Hawk. Just maybe the mother and father consider extended relationship detrimental. Maybe not entirely, but they don't want a bath of it on their kid/s.

This can be unwise, as I intimated before, over time, or as an entire cutoff can, that can be cruel. But the parents may have reasons for the distancing, which some of us can appreciate.

I think it would be good if these folks would talk, but I can imagine it being hard to be straight to Jodie, and I like Jodie - I am not the enemy.

As for you, Hawkeye, and whomever else, read all the past threads before slamming some of us who respond. If then you wish to slam us, ok.

I have not slammed anyone...I merely pointed out the many of the responses have been harsh. Maybe justifiably harsh, I gave no opinion on that.

Ok, then, read up.

"Who is going to raise my grandchildren the way I think they ought to be raised," asked the Grandmother.

"Not I," said the cold and distant Son.

"Who is going to meet me half-way so I can spend time with my grandchildren," asked the Grandmother.

"Not I," said the cold and distant Son.

"Who is going to let me stay at his house so I don't have to spend money on a motel room," asked the Grandmother.

"Not I," said the cold and distant Son.

"Who has any suggestions on how to handle my cold and distant son," asked the Grandmother.

"I will," said a Responder who wondered why the son was cold and distant.

"No you won't," said the indignant grandmother. "Mind your own business, you don't know how wonderful I am . . . how dare you suggest that I might have done anything to cause my son's distant coldness."

"I will do all the work necessary to see my grandchildren without one complaint because that's how wonderful I am," said the Grandmother.

From the perspective of the Grandmother, things are tough because she has to do all the work necessary to see her grandchildren.

But there's another side of the story, isn't there?

Here is Noddy on the subject -
http://able2know.org/topic/114795-1#post-3184511

Not that any of us are right. Saying, there is history to this thread.

You have really put a lot of time into this haven't you ? Do you have any energy left ? In fact' I think you should write a book on this. Have a wonderful day !!

You have a cold and distant son. If you treat him nearly as well as you treat those of us who responded to your post, I can't possibly see why he would be cold or distant. Can you?

We, all of us, like to think that we are good, loving people, and if there is any problem, then of course it's the other person who's the problem, and our reactions are justified...

...the problem is, our reactions aren't justified, because different people will react differently to the same circumstance/behaviour...one can react with empathy and understanding, one can react with condescension and rudeness, while another can react with irritability and abruptness...which reaction is justified? The truth is - none of our reactions are justified - they are just, simply, our reactions - and those reactions are our responsibility entirely (ie. there is no such thing as 'he/she made me do it').

The results of those reactions are fairly predictable (by results, I mean, how the other person will react to our reaction). We all should be able to see where this leads...

...but usually we don't like to look too closely at this...for we would have to inspect ourselves, and admit to greater flaws than we would like to think we have in ourselves (especially in the realm of human interaction)...

...close inspection is often unpleasant for any one of us. And because we like to think we're perfect, while publicly claiming we aren't...we take offense at people suggesting we aren't (perfect)

Ie. Our life is vastly a reflection of who we are (might seem obvious, but we do have a tendancy to accept the good as being the fruits of who we are, and the declare the bad as being almost entirely the fruits of the other person)

that describes me...to a T

This doesn't necessarily have anything to do with his relationship with his mother. Maybe he was asked to transfer, or offered a better job, or liked that part of the state or country better.

I haven't read any of Jodie's old posts and I'm not going to - but I will offer another way to look at this- one that I saw at work in my own family.

My father was transferred from Texas to New Jersey when we children were very small. He came from a large, very close family of which my grandmother was the recognized matriarch - sort of like a legendary saint in the family lore.
My mother who is a LOVELY person, probably the most flexible, least judgmental I've ever met - did not meet my grandmother's requirements for who she thought her son should have married (she was an orphan of unknown stock- sad to say- but that's how my grandmother viewed her). She never liked my mother and made it known. Even as a child, I'd watch and could detect her distaste.
But don't you know my mother got us all packed and in the car to drive down to Texas and spend two weeks with the woman every single summer. And I never heard a negative word from her about it. She hadn't had a family of her own - so she did recognize the importance of family- and she made sure her children had what she never had.

I moved away from my parents when I was eighteen. I've never lived closer than 500 miles to them since my children have been born. This has nothing to do with not liking them - I'm crazy about them. It's just the way life worked out. But I always am the one to fly or drive to see them- I don't even ask them to meet me half way. I look at it as a matter of respect.



Jodie - if he were my son - I'd have to talk with him about it and not to other people about him. And I wouldn't approach it an accusatory or angry way - but just asking, with an open mind-what maybe you could have done to cause any of the harsh feelings or problems to see if there's anything you can do to change or help alleviate some of those.

And if it's temperament, to which Osso spoke, and which it very well may be, maybe you could say something like, 'You and I are two very different people, and I know we've had our difficulties, but I love you and would like to know you. And I think that it's important for you to communicate that you'd like to spend time with him - at least as much if not more than his children. How do you think it would feel if he thought you were more interested in his kids than in him? Maybe he thinks you've given up on knowing him and he resents that now you want to move on to his kids or something. You never know. Once you heal things with him, then you can say, 'I've really enjoyed getting to know you again - I'd like to be a part of your life and know your children,' and then see what he says.

It would break my heart if I thought my child didn't like me - and it would really hurt if I felt I wasn't going to be able to know my grandchildren- so I understand how you feel, and I'd be willing to do whatever I had to do to change that.
Apparently being willing to drive three hours is not enough.

It was interesting the other day to re-read some of the threads started by the O. P.

When my son got out of college he interviewed with different company's and that was the highest paying job and he took it. Can I blame him for that I think not.That is why he lives three hours away. He is very well educated. He has told me that I was a very good mother and he would not be where he is at today if it hadn't been for me and I have told him he was the one that put all of the work into it and he has thanked me for being the mother that I was. Since I have read some of the comments I have re thought the subject about him sending his child to a catholic school because I do think he and his wife want the best for their children. I have some Catholic friends and they are very well educated. See, I can be wrong.
Have you ever met anyone that is hard to get close to. I am not saying he is a bad son. He just has that kind of a personality where it is difficult to feel close to him. We do have different personalties. I know other people that are like that. I have to say he is swamped with his job, children and all of the other activities that he is involve in. He has told us that we have a lot more time to come there and spend time with them and the kids . I just don't think there is a warm welcome when we go there. They are always on the go and I don't want to interfer with anything they might have going on. We do get together for birthday's , holiday's and times in between. I don't have any family where I live so I guess that is partly why I would like to see them more. I have to say I do have a lot of friends.

That really is a busy time of life. I have a daughter going into third grade and our calendar is packed. I've had to negotiate with my mom to limit her visits to three times a year as more-frequent visits were just too disruptive. I'd really prefer that she visited even less frequently, but that was the compromise position we agreed on.

Many of the things engineer explained applies to my situation. My mom's ideal weekend is to spend the whole time DOING stuff and talking pretty much nonstop. My ideal weekend includes considerably more downtime and considerably more variety (going to a party with friends, doing yardwork, chatting one-on-one with my daughter, chatting one-on-one with my husband, etc.) I am always drained after a visit from my mom.

I agree that it's important for grandchildren and grandparents to have a relationship. It seems clear that you're asking too much of your son and daughter-in-law, though. I think you'll get further if you respect their boundaries and compromise with them (I'm willing to bet that they would prefer even less visits/ contact than you're currently getting) than if you're peevish about it.

I think that what you have written say it all. Your son and DIL have a hectic, full life, and need to relax. Having company can be very stressful for many people. If you stay at their house, you ARE interfering with their rhythm of life.

I don't know if you are retired, but if you are, it is so much easier for you to come there, stay in a motel, and take the kids. You say that you can't afford a motel. Life is a series of choices. If you want to see the kids badly enough, you can do without something else, and spend the money on a motel. In that way, you will get to take the kids, without stressing your son & DIL.