Son's behaviour

Jodie--

Granted that the past and the present are entwined. All the same, with application and luck it is often possible to change the present.

The past cannot be changed--but with application and luck the past can be dealt with.



Your son was not a happy child. He is not a happy man. You feel you deserved a happy child and that now you deserve a cheerful and dutiful son.

You're unhappy about these situations.

In other posts you've mentioned that you've tried to change the situation, but your son and d-i-l resist your efforts. You want more than you have, but the other people involved are happy with the status quo.

You did the best job of mothering that you could under the circumstances and you feel cheated by the meager payoff.

One symptom of insanity is an unwillingness to accept the world as it is. You and your son (and his family) do not have a close and loving relationship--in spite of all your efforts.

In your mind it "should" be different--but it is not. You don't want to accept this reality. You want to weep and wallow and explain to whatever gods may be that you "deserve" better.

"Deserve" doesn't matter. You might "deserve" out-of-season strawberries but be stuck with a aged, rather soft apple. Nevertheless, "Apple" is the fruit of the day and pining for strawberries is not going to improve the taste or texture of the apple.

You can't change the past. You can't change other people. You can choose to accept a flawed past and an imperfect present and move on.

Hold your dominion.

I hope this doesn't sound mean because I'm not trying to be mean but...



...and....



... sound kinda like the same problem.

What did YOU do to advocate for your son when he was little and you suspected a problem?

Is it ALL your husbands fault?

boomerang

Yes I think your comment is mean. You are trying to point your finger at me as being the one at fault. Believe me I am not perfect and will take the blame for my part. My husband did not think there was a behavior problem with our son and did not want to pursue it. I abided by his wishes thinking maybe I was wrong . Maybe I should have gone over my husband's head and had him checked out. I know I had him at the doctor's a few times and the doctor would say you don't treat your mom like that. He was disciplined as was my other son but two totally different personalties. You have no idea the stress that I was going through at the time. Some people go through life never being happy and i think that is the kind of person my son is. In my heart I really feel that I did everything I could under the circumstance's . My desire is to be a close family but maybe it is not to be and I just need to except that.

I'm asking because my son (who is still a little kid) is often mean and often unhappy and I bang my head against my husband brick wall ideas about child behavior on occassion.

But I go over his head when I think there might be a cause other than our son just being mean or unhappy. I usually turn out to be right.

And I'm not talking about running out and buying him something to make him happy. That's just temporary happy.

It's just my opinion but I think there is a reason for unhappiness and I will not let my son settle for unhappy.

jodie34, why don't you comment on Noddy's post? It's excellent and
sums up your situation perfectly.

You cannot change the past - would haves and should haves will eat you
up - you can live for today though, and since you do have another son,
why not focus on him? How is your relationship with him?

Blaming your husband for not allowing you to pursue your son's behavior
professionally is probably mighty easy, however, you are just as responsible
as him. If my child was hurting, regardless if physically or mentally, and
my husband would say no to any treatment, then I would do what's necessary for the child, ignoring what his father said. The child needs to
rely on its parents to help him, if one isn't understanding enough, the other
one should. If neither is, both are to blame.

noddy 24
I really think you are right about this situation. I did the best as a mother that I knew how to do at the time. I guess, I am looking for this perfect family that is not meant to be. I just need to except that sometimes a person just has to except things the way they are. I honestly think a lot of people go through life being totally unhappy and nothing is going to make them happy. Really once I think about it there are relatives on both sides of our family that seem to be mad at the world most of the time. My dad has never been a happy person and aint nothing going to make him happy and my husband has an uncle that's the same way. We don't always get what we want because that is what we think we are deserving of. I will try to abide by this.

boomerang,

Good luck in not letting your son settle for unhappy. Do you honestly think everyone in this world is happy? I honestly think personalty has a lot to do with it. I was at the doctor's office once when I was talking about having surgery and my doctor said he only knew one person who wasn't happy with this paticular surgery and his coment was she aint happy and aint nothing going to make her happy. I think there is a lot of truth in that. How old is your son?

calamity Jane

I have a wonderful relationship with my other son. He has a very quick smile and is a happy go lucky type person and very fun to be around. Your right that is the one I should concentrate on instead of letting the other one drag me down. When they were growing up they were two totally different personalties. I am not blaming my husband for all of this of course half of it is my responsibilty . At times my husband will say the unhappy son is like his uncle or at times I can see he is like my dad. Sometimes I think traits can be inherted from down the line. Most of the time if people are unhappy they also want you to be unhappy.

That is true, indeed, and that is why I try to stay away from the perpetual
unhappy ones

I am glad that you have a good relationship with your other son, and
he is fortunate to have his mother's undivided attention

My son is seven. Even at that tender age he has more reasons to be unhappy than most adults. It's a long, long story.

But I do believe in happy.

I think that there are underlying issues, maybe mental, maybe physical, or maybe just pettiness that make people unhappy. Happy doesn't mean romping barefoot in a dellghtful garden it means learning to be content with your life whether you have mealy apples or out of season strawberries.

Jodie, I'm confused about what you're getting at. Do you want to figure out what went wrong when he was a child or how to change things now that he's an adult?

littlek
I guess I am trying to compare when he was a child and how he is as an adult. He did not make friends easily always in a bad mood. Would get mad if you looked at him. He was difficult to be around when he was growing up and that still holds to be true. Say's what he thinks and doesn't thnk twice about how it might affect someone. This is just totally the opposite as to how he was taught to be. The thing that bothers me is why is he like this and no one else in our immediate family is that way. I guess I am wondering if I failed with being a mother. At the time I handled the situation the best that I knew how to. His attitude is still the same and I just think that some people are never happy. I cannot see changing the situation.

He's an adult?

Then it's his problem to sort out. Not yours.

Stop beating yourself up. You did the best you could. Now it's up to him to figure out the rest. None of us had perfect parents. But we grew up anyhow, and got on with our lives. It's his responsibility to figure out how to be happy. Or not. Either way, it's all up to him now.

Eva

You are right he is an adult now. He will start a fight with our family about the least little thing. I was talking to him a couple of days ago and I said when are you coming to see us and he said " well it depends on how this confersation goes" . I just need to not worry about it and let him figure it out. Thanks for your imput that helps a lot.

Although I'm not a birth mother, I watched as my mother struggled with my older brother for many years and it looks to me like you're still waiting for your son to miraculously become someone else. That's a mother's fantasy and you're entitled, but you will be continuously hurt and disappointed expecting him to be someone that he simply isn't. And it doesn't matter who's to blame or what happened when he was a child. In order to sustain a relationship with him now, you've got to see and accept him for the man he is and behave accordingly. Don't bother asking when he's coming to see you. Don't knock yourself out or go overboard with him or for him. He's your son, you love him and nothing will even change that but accept him, even if the relationship isn't your ideal, and stop beating yourself up about what you cannot change.

But as always, these things are so much easier said than done.

eoe
I do think you are right I have to accept him as he is because I have been waiting for him to be different for quite a few years. I thought once he got older or married and had children of his own he would see the light but nothing has changed.

Jodie--

You've got a leopard with permanent spots instead of a house cat with permanent stripes. I'm sure as leopards go, he's a high-quality spotted leopard, even if he flunks as a striped house cat.

I think you should talk to him.

Tell him he seems unhappy to you, and ask him if there's something you can do to help.

Apologize if you let him down when he was young. Ask him if he thinks you did. Listen, and don't make excuses for yourself.

Sometimes, kids have issues that were due to actions or inaction from their parents. Sometimes, kids blame **** on their parents for no good reason. Sometimes, apologies make an incredible difference. If he pegs you on something, apologize. Tell him you'd like to develop a healthy relationship.

Good luck.

I was not a happy child due to many factors, the biggest of which my mother lived with an abusive alcoholic man. It was hard for me growing up, I was timid, quiet and most of the time appeared quite 'stand offish' to most of the people I knew. Most of the time I could easily hide my internal feelings and just focus on living life from one day to the next but was never really happy.

Very recently I was having trouble in my own relationship because I became severaly depressed (my mom and boyfriend had heart attacks two months from each other) Thankfully my boyfriend and I went to see a pre-marriage counselor who identified the fact that was clinically depresssed (and had been for in excess of 5 years) and put me on an antidepressant. Now I feel great and things have become mush rosier in life. My boyfriend says that I am the happy person he met some 11 years ago.

I really feel for your situation and hope that your son can see that he could use help in working through his 'unhappiness'. It's not until he can see the real problem that things will get better for him...and you!.

Good luck to you Jodie! Keep us posted!