Son and Daughter-inlaw

Tough call. How often do you think they should come to visit you? Once a year is not ignoring you, especially if they both work and the children are in school. Of course more would be nice.

Many people send their children to Catholic schools because of quality rather than religion, but Christian is Christian. I know some Protestants get really bent out of shape at the thought of Catholics, but it's all the same God. (My father asked his aunt what she would think if one of her children married a Catholic circa 1960. She told him she'd rather see them dead. This was right before he married a Catholic.)

Instead of keeping the grandchildren for a week, maybe you should just visit more often. I wouldn't worry about the school thing at all if possible.

You don't mention their ages or the ages of the children, but I bet they are right in the middle of their careers/work and high activity in the home. So you should be the good grandma/pa and drive the 3 hours there, spend the night, and then take the kids back if you want the kids for a week.

If it were me, I'd go to their town, stay in a motel and visit more often. You must repect that they ARE in the very busy time of their lives.

engineer
In the begining we tried visiting and that didn't work out. They don't invite and we were told when we wanted to visit just let them know. We would have liked to visit a least once a month . When we would ask if it was ok to visit them they
would OK it but when we went there we were as much as told we weren't wanted. How uncomfortable was that !! We love our grandchildren dearly.
The oldest will be in first grade when school starts in august. Our reason for wanting to visit was to get to know the grandchildren .

Not to be a pest, Jodie, but why don't they invite? Are you always giving strong opinions on how they should be? Do you lecture on and on?

I speak as an ex serious catholic with, later, no interest at all in religion. I was rejected by my husband's family because I wasn't catholic - they didn't show at the wedding, although they came to accommodate me somewhat later on, as, y'know, I'm a likeable person once in a while, and I never tried to "straighten them out". My guess is your family feels they have to "deal" with you, which doesn't grab them as something to do very often right now, and they might not like your lecturing the kids.
As years pass, they may gain a different view, re understanding you. Now, I'd say 'don't push, be loving.' Let people grow into themselves.

I should add my take may be quite wrong. It's a first thought.

It was mine too. As a former grandchild and present grandparent, my opinion is that access to your grandchildren is a privilege, not a right, and that privilege needs to be earned. Like ossobuco says, if you show up and are always finding fault, saying things like "we never let children do x y z in my day", making remarks about religion, telling your son's wife she doesn't cook things or keep house properly, or making tactless remarks that could be read that way, whatever, in short, interfering, you should not wonder if the invitations are slow in coming.

Of course that might not be the way it is at all.

As for the religion thing, I was raised Church Of England (Episcopalian) and I remember my father telling me at various times:

1. The Pope in Rome and the Soviet communists in Moscow were in a joint plot to control the world.

2. My recently deceased mother would "spin in her grave" if I joined the Salvation Army. (I think my 14 years old bereaved grieving self clung to religion for comfort) My favourite aunt was a Major and later a Lieut. Colonel in the Salvation Army, and she had defied much family opposition to join that body.

3. There is no God, and all religions are no more than superstitions. (You'd think that this would contradict the other views!)

So you can see I think you should back pedal on the religious thing. There was only one Jesus.

I am now an atheist, but I think that if I ever went back, I'd be a Catholic. I'd support married & women priests, contraception, etc, rather like some of the radical Jesuits in Mexico and other places. And I like the statues and pictures.

I will start from the begning about the situation. My son and my personality has always clashed . Why I don't know. I have a warm personality and he has a cold personalty . My husband says he is a very cold individual. Why they don't invite , I think is really they don't want to be bothered . I have never critized them or their children. They really seem to like us doing things with their children but they want us to do what needs to be done to have a relationship with the grandkids. My son announced to us that they would be sending the kids to a Catholic school , My husband or I have not said one word against it and don't plan to. We are not trouble makers. But I will say it is like a slap in the face because we are Protestant and our children were raised in the church as well.
Money wise , I can not afford to go there and stay in a motel to visit the grandchildren.

I'm guessing the religion angle is the issue for you. Very sad I think, especially for the kids.

Very sad, especially for the kids. I am not sure what you are getting at. I am not holding this against my grandchildren.

I do believe there is a God. Each person is entitled to believe what they want.
As for some of the things that have happened in life, I know there is a God.

Hi jodie,

Has your son converted to Catholicism or is he just sending the kids to Catholic schools? It may be that the public schools in his area aren't very good schools and the church school is the most affordable private school. Or, it may be that he's becoming more religious, turning towards Catholicism (is his wife Catholic?), and hopes to raise the children in a church school for religious reasons.

If you and your son have never been emotionally close then he may feel that he doesn't need you in his life. You want to have a relationship with your grandchildren but there's a lifelong strain with your son that needs to be healed first (imo).

Why is it a slap in your face? Each person has the right to his/her own beliefs. Parents have the responsibility to raise their children in the manner THEY deem fit, without second guessing from relatives.

Is it possible that you are intrusive in your relationship with your son, DIL, and grandchildren in other areas besides religion? If so, that may be the reason that your son is not that enthralled with making it easier for you to visit. Then again, it just be that they ARE too busy at this time of their lives.

My point is, your son and DIL are the parents, and you want to have a relationship with your grandkids. IMO it is incumbent upon you to smile, be pleasant, and behave in a way that they want you to visit.

You say that you want to visit once a month, and can't afford to stay in a motel. I would not want my relatives to fall in on me once a month. That is much too much, especially if the parents work.

In parts of Britain, there are parents who are Catholic, Protestant, other Christian and Muslim and Hindu and Sikh and those who have no religion, who send their kids to Jewish schools in their areas because those are judged to be the best schools. Kids not of the faith are excused the religious lessons and services. It's no big deal.

"WE" are not a Protestent family. You and your husband are. It is important that you understand the boundries between yourself and your husband, and your son and HIS family. They are not the same.

To each it's own. Once a month would never be too much for someone to visit me. I really enjoy having people. I really don't think it is a hardship on my son and daughter-inlaw because they have someone that cleans their house once a week and also does their lawn. When we are there we always eat out for all meals.

wow, the responses in this thread are depressing. I have three kids and I feel that I have an obligation to allow the to know their extended family. Not only will I not always be in control of their lives, but I will not always even be alive, my obligation is to raise my kids so that they have the best opportunity for happy and productive lives. This is more easily achieved with family bonds in place.

My take is that a son three hours away who claims to be too busy to arrange grand-kid/grandparent visits either does not want the bonds to develop, or else does not care a lick about family. This case seems to be more on the side of not caring. He is your kid, so you are partly responsible for him turning out this way. You should try to do better with the grand-kids.

A six hour round trip is a bunch, and you would need to burn two days to get the kids for a week, but so long as you are allowed this I think that you should take it, and pretend to be happy about it. For me the time and the money to get the grandkids would be worth it, because I care a great deal about family, and would do almost anything for my family. I see a connection between you thinking that the travel is an onerous burden and you kid thinking the same. Both of you do not value enough the project of getting the grand-kids and the grandparents together so that bonds can form.

Concerning the school thing, I think you are perceiving a slap where none is intended. They are not going to a Catholic church (that you stated), so they are not converting. Folks here send their children to Catholic church when they aren't happy with (or ignorant of) the public school in their area or more rarely if they have significant racial prejudices. Catholic schools are typically of decent quality and moderate price. It's no big deal; you shouldn't make it one.

As for access, go as often as you can. If you can't afford a hotel on a monthly basis, then go when you can and call more often. Perhaps if you made your visits very low key things where your son is given plenty of down time, it might be less stressful on him (see below).

Finally, on the warm versus cold personality thing, what you consider warm, your son may consider exhausting. Your son is likely an introvert while you are an extrovert. An introvert can socialize with the best of them, but while it is effortless and even invigorating for an extrovert, it is extremely taxing for an introvert. What you consider a relaxing weekend with family, he might consider a draining weekend on top of a draining week at work. This is not a slam on you or on him, it's just a difference in personalities. Take a look at what your son and daughter-in-law do on the weekend. Do they go socializing or spend quiet time together? My bet (from the few sentences you've shared) is that you like to socialize and they like time to themselves. Perhaps they even need that time to themselves. How can you visit and still allow them to get what they need to recharge on the weekend?

Of course they might just be jerks, but then there's not much you can do.

Jodie, I really don't understand the "slap in the face" comment. What makes you think their decision on where their children could get the best education has anything to do with you? Don't take it personally.

I don't know where you and/or your son are located, but in our part of the U.S., Catholic schools admit around 40% non-Catholic students. Sometimes more. Because of this, Catholic schools no longer make attempts to convert non-Catholics. Parents choose Catholic schools because they have a well-deserved reputation for providing an education that is far superior to most of the public schools. Period. Catholic schools are often the best alternatives among private schools.

BTW, I am also a Protestant. We seriously considered a Catholic school for our son, but he needed a less structured environment. (Personalities and individual learning styles are also important.) However, we have a number of friends at our church who send their children to Catholic schools, and they have scored very well on college entrance exams.

I think you should be thankful that your son and daughter-in-law care enough about their children's education to pay for private school.

If I may, the issue of the children going to a catholic school may purely be down to that particular school offering the best education and/or networking/career opportunities for the amount of money they can afford. I'm aware of the differences between the two religions, and how this could cause anxiety, and what your really want is for the children to be happy in this life, and the next, right?

Are you wrong to feel the way you do? No. Are you right to feel the way you do? No. The way you feel is the way you feel. It's honest, and heartfelt...but because feelings are based on perceptions, values, and beliefs, there is no right or wrong to them...they just are your feelings...and they're valuable to you for that reason alone.

For the visiting the grandchildren thing - from your description, I'm not surprised your sone can't be bothered driving halfway, nor for the lack of invites, but I'm surprised the daughter-in-law is the same...though I'm guessing that as long as you're visiting, she's probably happy to let the status-quo remain. That said, if you've never really had a relationship with your son, then nothing has changed for him but your desire to see his children? And for that reason alone, you expect him to drive a long way to see you? So, in reality, you were using him? ....this by the way, may or may not be the case - that's up to you to figure out.

The other thing that struck me - you said you don't know why you have never really gotten along - I don't buy that. Some people are 'naturally' (and I don't mean naturally, as in genetically) colder, but we all have the eyes to see how we affect others, see what they like and dislike, see their strengths and weaknesses (and nurture both), should we choose to look. None of us are born knowing how to raise kids (unlike how Hawkeye implied), nor how to handle conflict, nor how to discipline within the understanding of another...and despite that, we must live with the consequences.