Visiting a dying friend

izzie wrote :



i agree with izzie ; there is no right/wrong way to deal with grief . we all have to deal with grief in our own way .
personally , i find just being with other people - even strangers - can at times be helpful - but also a lot of downtime may be needed to deal with grief .

spoken with many widows and widowers these last few weeks . they all seem to agree on one thing : YES , talk to others IF you feel like it , but don't EVER be pressured to talk when you don't feel like it .
both physically and mentally the human body and mind have to try and adjust - and often a lot of time is needed for that - sometimes years , i've been told .

only you know what the right way is for you to deal with the grief .
take good care of yourself - your friend's husband may need your understanding . you don't have to be "strong" for that - just do what feels right to you - that's all - and that's a lot !
hbg

Hey Mags... how're you doing girl?

Thinking of you. x








yep. I wondered too Beth - found this

Crying is the shedding of tears and is a natural human activity. A neurological connection between the tear duct and the human brain was established during the human evolution. But why does crying feel good? Well, read on to find out the details about this phenomenon.

It is a widespread belief that crying makes us feel good, it is even seen as therapeutic at times. It is considered that failure to cry can prove to be dangerous for our physical health. Although there is no specific reason why crying makes us feel better, however, unlike reflex tears (like when one cuts onions, or if someone has allergy) which is made up of 98% water, the emotional tears have a higher concentration of hormones and even proteins.

Stress can have too many unfavorable effects on our health. We release stress when we cry, and eventually it makes us feel good. It has a positive effect on mental health as well because crying is the most natural way of coping with pain, stress, and sorrow.

The basic scientific conclusion that various researches have drawn is that there are certain chemicals and hormones which gets accumulated during some stressful trauma. What crying does is, it releases these toxins. It also releases endorphins; it is the chemical which makes us happy. Since it releases these stress hormones from our body, we feel better after we cry. According to William H. Frey who is a biochemist at the University of Minnesota, crying gets rid of the stress hormones, particularly adrenocorticotropic hormone, which makes us feel good and better.

Slowly, science is also beginning to confirm all these theories. For perhaps the first time, researchers are successfully verifying that crying is actually good for us because it reduces tension and it increases the body's ability to heal. Not only tears, but perspiration, urine and air that we exhale rid the body of various toxins and wastes. According to many studies, people not only feel better after crying, they also look better physically as well.

Although crying might not bring back a loved one from the grave or restore a love affair that is finished, yet some biological changes do occur inside the human brain as one cries. It even helps to get through depression and heals the body and mind of emotional pain and hurt.

When a person cries, he/ she also experiences high levels of arousal, and when subsequently the arousal levels come down to normal, it makes the person feel a lot better. What this essentially means is that the person might not feel better in literal sense, but he feels better by the contrasting effect because of the distress during crying.

On the other hand if a person cries everytime he/ she is criticized or has a fight with a friend, etc. then that is a warning sign of some sort of deep hurt of self esteem. Such a person should seek help immediately.

<http://lifestyle.iloveindia.com/lounge/why-does-crying-feel-good-2372.html >




< ((((hbg))) >

izzie :

crying is certainly one kind of relief in a difficult (and a the moment unsolvable) situation .
different people seem to do it differently .
some do cry out quite loudly - such as people some people from italy (just as an example) - even italian men can get quite emotional - they may even cry when joyful .
for others it may be being teary-eyed - there are many ways of dealing with grief .
just spoke to a neighbour of ours who lost her husband some years ago .
she said that dealing with grief was by only doing those things she absolutely wanted to do for quite some time after fred's death .
people told her to keep busy , keep herself occupied ... but she said "tuning out" for several months and just taking it real easy was part of dealing with grief .
"nothing wrong with sleeping in , letting the dustbunnies dance around - just pretending that i was the only person that mattered - that's what i did , but would not suggest that it works for everyone " , she said .
time still seems to be a healer for many people - but not all .
good memories also can help .
often one's own body will often send out the signals - to be sad , or to be happy - difficult to force either from what i know .
what's good for one may not be right for someone else .
hbg

Hey Hbg

yep... it is such an individual thing. I have a very good friend who.... has never cried - I don't know that he will - maybe one day! It's something he doesn't do. I simply can't imagine not crying - with happiness and sadness, frustration, anger, laughter... I'm a cry-er.

When Tulip's husband died last year - she didn't cry, for the longest time. She was numb. She still is to a point - but tears and feelings have started up again with her. I told her then - you do what you do to get thru the days, only your way counts right now - not what people expect you to do or think you ought to do or that they want you to behave a certain way because it makes it easier for them. No-one can possibly understand exactly what or how you feel - they are not you. What people expect or believe often is that grief makes you an automative quivering jelly.... well - there is no "ought to be a way" or "you should be behaving this, that or the other way" . Some people expect others to wail, cry, silently cry... sometimes the person simply cannot cry. No wrong or right - just "their way". I went through a period of not crying - I think now, it helps when I cry. Happiness - easy to cry. Sadness - I hold back 'til the tears just start... and seem never ending. Strangely, it does make me feel better. Everyone has to do it their way. It's the only way. Grief has no rule book. Time limits... do not fit all.


Sometimes, in these circustances, the tears may come. Tears can be from relief too. Not watching pain or suffering. Tears of acceptance. Maybe no tears. Some can see the circle of life more clearly. Peace can often be a blessing.








Hbg... it is so lovely to see you on A2K. You have been in my thoughts daily. Take care love. (((hbg)))

izzie :



i believe "peace" is a blessing !

thanks for your kind words , izzie !
hbg

I just talked to her husband. She is still taking water, but no food. No other change. 'We are packing to leave tomorrow morning via train for Massachusetts; I made sure the youngest daughter knows where we are and has all phone numbers where we can be reached; Jumbled feelings about going, If this was a pleasure trip, we would cancel it. but there is a 90 something year old mother at the other end of this journey east, and we may never see her again.

Stay strong, Mags.

She has been moved to a hospice house from her home. She is hallucinating and they think the cancer has gone to her brain. Her husband hadn't slept for days. I am in communication with her kids. Her oldest daughter is to call me today after they go to see her. We are in Massachusetts with husband's mother. We explained to her the situation. She is sad, but she understands.

Hang in there. No one could have ever asked for a better friend than you have been.

Jespah, that's the nicest thing you could have said to me.

Hey Mags

Tough times girl - thinking about you and sending you love.





I believe some people choose their time. Some folk don't.

When I was in my early 20's - I put on backpack and travelled around the world for a year. My Granny was sick. I knew that when I left it would be the last time I saw her. She was well enough on the day I left for Australia but fading fast. Both my parents and I were in two minds at whether I should leave. I believe she waited until I was truly ensconced in my travels before she went. She died 2 weeks after I had left, by which time, she knew I would not be able to come back for her funeral. My Granny helped raise me when I was wee. We were incredibly close.

Throughout the last 20 years many folk in my life have been there... and gone. When my friend died - not of his choosing - unexpected and tragic - the anger was immense at how he could be taken the way he was. However, someone gave me a way to think differently about why and how he died. It helped immensely - believing as I do now - that my being there with him was for a reason - and tho we would wish to change the fact he died - for whatever reason it happened - it made his family and my lives interwoven in a way that it wouldn't be, were he alive now. Reasons, there sometimes aren't reasons why things happen the way they do - or perhaps it's all for a reason. Life's rich pageant and all...


Your friend - in a hospice. Perhaps this will make it... easier... not the right word ... less heartbreaking... for her husband. He is tired. He is struggling - he needs to sleep, to rest too. Perhaps she chose this way to take the responsibility away from him.

This is emotive - special folk on this thread know the pain here. Choice of "how and when" I WISH to believe, is that person's way for them to go.

Terribly hard to watch. Terribly hard to deal with. Believing that peace is truly a blessing... that's what I wish to believe and would want for my nearest and dearest. No pain. Dignity.

So sorry for your sadness Mags - try and remain as strong as you can during this time. Lean on your hubby and hold his hand. Believe that you are the best friend you have always been - she told you that. She believes in you. Try and believe that when peace finds her that she will no longer be suffering in any way.

Friendship is everlasting. That's my belief.



My best wishes to your hubby and mother-in-law. Take care Mags. Hugging you x

It won't be long now. I sincerely hope you've made arrangements for a quick getaway if need be. This has been a heartfelt thread. Brought back alot of memories.

we have a plan should we have to return in a hurry. This thread has saved my sanity on many a day. At times, the grief has been so overpowering I have considered therapy. This has been the therapy I chose; am grateful

Last night, I was reminded of a story my friend and I shared. Every year , there was a big Halloween party with a theme. My friend was visiting and we decided to go to the party; the theme was "come as your favorite Island." 'we went to 'goodwill, bought frumpy dresses, old lady shoes, hats and purses, frumped up our hair and went....wait for it...as the "'Greater and Lesser Aunt Tillies." we were quite a hit. The memories last forever

'J'amaicam' laugh, Greater Tillie? I reckon


ahhhhh... love that! I bet you had the best time - great memories - you'll have them forever. Keep them close in your heart. xxxx

she died early this morning.

I 've visited here, almost exclusively in silence mags, but I've been here. My heart understands.

((mags))

((((((((((((((((mags))))))))))))))

you're in my thoughts dear Mags - I'm so sorry for your sadness and your loss.

May she be at peace now.

talk when you wish to / are able to - just know there that we're here and thinking about you

gentle but strong hugs... with much love to you and yours. x

Please accept my condolences, mags.

Hugs, sweetheart. A new bright light in the sky.