98
   

A good cry on the train

 
 
Joe Nation
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 09:14 am
Okay, I'm ready to talk about this now.

I'm still hurting, but, with a little help from my friends and some distractions, I am moving on. There's nothing I can to recover the relationship, nothing it seems to say really.

Here's the thing: I really don't know what happened. C had some kind of psychic switch during the move. She decided that, because I wasn't overwhelmed by her choice of new living space, I wasn't supportive of her.
(This is the guy who traveled once a month to take her to chemo treatments and gamma globulin treatments, who lugged all of her belongings up two flights of stairs, who backed up her in every disagreement she ever had with her former neighbors, who shoveled snow and froze with her when the power was out... ad nauseum . Yeah, non-supportive.)

The move was really hard on me. I know now I should have just stayed home and rested my knee and recovered.
BTW: This morning, I have no pain, no discomfort, a small hint of tension after walking 1.5 miles yesterday and running 3.1....thankyou very much.

This is what I've told her (emails only, no more Skype) : that she didn't share what she was feeling with me, and that's dishonest. (So unlike her.)
That she made the decision all on her own without consideration of my feelings. (So unlike her.)
I even said that had we discussed it, we might have come to the same conclusion as she did on her own, but to do so on her own, was unfair and I resented it.

She replied that during the move wasn't the time to talk about anything, too much to do, too many pressures, so she couldn't talk about it. She also set a trap. She said because she didn't want to argue, so she would ask me every morning what I thought the plan would be and then she just agreed. Supposedly I never asked her what she wanted....so, she never got things done the way she wanted them done. Now she just wants what she wants.

Okay by me.

(Did I mention she is a compulsive cleaner? Before we could move anything in the entire place had to be cleaned within an inch of it's lift. Which is why it took five weeks to move into the apartment. )

I replied that, should she ever want to talk,she should call me and that I would try to ready to talk.

That's where we are.

~~
oh god, he going to go on.
~~
Here's what I want: a full apology or I will have nothing whatsoever to do with her again. (You have no idea how much that hurts to think about that)

Question: I'm boxing up her stuff to ship back up to Connecticut; nighties, make-up, some clothes, books, CDs. Here's the thing: I have all the cards (wonderful sweet, caring) she sent me over the past two and a half years. I want to put them in the box with a note that says
"I can't throw these away and I can't keep them."

Is that tacky?

Joe(going out for a run now)Nation

PS Since the first of April, I have lost 10.5 pounds and I am feeling good about that.
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 10:04 am
@Joe Nation,
Sigh.
It might be for the best in the long run.
Dunno.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  9  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 10:12 am
@Joe Nation,
Joe Nation wrote:
Here's the thing: I have all the cards (wonderful sweet, caring) she sent me over the past two and a half years. I want to put them in the box with a note that says
"I can't throw these away and I can't keep them."

Is that tacky?


It's too soon to decide what to do with them.

Put them in a box. Put the box in the back of a closet. Behind your never-to-be-worn-again fat pants.

~~~

Resolve to avoid any moving/renovation situation while partnered.

Run/walk well. Eat well.

Live well.
Frank Apisa
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 11:18 am
@ehBeth,
For what it is worth, Jonathan, I think Beth gave you stellar advice here.

The "I can't throw these away and I can't keep them" sounds great...NOW. But it is amazing how these things can be interpreted...and best you keep the stuff being worn on your sleeves to yourself right now.

I'd like to sit down an have a couple of beers...sometime during the next week. Is that a bad idea right now?

Ragman
 
  3  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 11:33 am
@Joe Nation,
[Edit: I admit to not having read the back-story from the beginning so that probably invalidates my opinion. I'm going to take a shot anyhow. I'll go back and read the early posts in a bit. then I'll reply again and alter what I wrote if I'm off base. ]

You have my sympathy and empathy.

When I've been faced with what seems like total insanity or being totally blindsided, I would take some time to strengthen myself. Objectivity and emotional understanding of what happened is a hard commodity to expect at this time

You sacrificed a lot (and risked your health with bad knee) all the while helping her to move. Her anal-retentive cleaning protocol probably doubled the time it too to mover her. On top of that you did this while having a damaged knee.

Sure sounds more than supportive to me. I can't be sure as I don't know a lot details and back-story, but she sounds controlling and kind of unpredictable emotionally. Words like Unfair to the max comes to mind.

I wonder how someone could act that way...unless she was temporarily insane or horribly damaged somehow by something going on in her life that is life-threatening illness? Perhaps this behavior of hers has to do with her having some sort of immune system illness (like cancer?). Who knows what sort of state of mind I'd be in if I were me in that situation.

However, that being said, I'd not be trying to hurt (deliberately or not) the person who is being most supportive over the long and the short timeframes.

I probably don't know a lot facts and details, but somehow, I'd pack up and find a place to store all of her belongings. At an appropriately short timeframe of YOUR suiting, I'd return them with NO note whatsoever. In my mind there's really nothing productive to be gained by writing something poignant or inquisitive or even philosophical. She can't give you an answer that is even tolerable for all that she did at the end.

No matter how or what she'd reply, it won't make ANY sense and it won't make you feel better.

These are my thoughts - others may differ. My approach is probably unique. From my superficial reading, it sounds like it's time to heal for you.
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 01:32 pm
@Joe Nation,
I normally see both sides of these situations, even when I don't want to.

I can understand how moving creates a mindset where one is ready to leave everything behind and create a wholly new life. And perhaps she was ready to do that. God knows she's been through a lot of pain and grief over the past few years with the cancer, treatments, etc. I'd want to leave everything behind and start over in a new place, too.

That said, it does sound like she used you, re: the move. I'd want an apology, too.

I feel a headache coming on. How many Advil/Tylenol/aspirin have you taken lately?
Joe Nation
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 02:42 pm
@Eva,
Two. This morning after the 3.1 run.

I think that "I'm starting over" mindset has some validity. I just need to think about more.

Joe(or less)Nation
0 Replies
 
Joe Nation
 
  1  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 02:57 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Frank Apisa wrote:

For what it is worth, Jonathan, I think Beth gave you stellar advice here.

The "I can't throw these away and I can't keep them" sounds great...NOW. But it is amazing how these things can be interpreted...and best you keep the stuff being worn on your sleeves to yourself right now.

I'd like to sit down an have a couple of beers...sometime during the next week. Is that a bad idea right now?


Would love to see you. You name the day, place and time.

Joe(I'll be there)Nation
0 Replies
 
JTT
 
  -3  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 04:09 pm
@Eva,
Quote:
That said, it does sound like she used you, re: the move. I'd want an apology, too.


That's hardly something you could judge from your "vantage" point, Eva.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 08:49 pm
@ehBeth,
Absolutely agree with what Beth said.
cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 08:57 pm
@dlowan,
What ehBeth said about "live well." That's the bottom line.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 09:01 pm
@Joe Nation,
You was used, all righty, especially since I suspect she could have given you the heave ho much early if you hadn't been so gosh darn useful.

I guess it helps not at all that it was better to find out sooner than later.
JTT
 
  1  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 09:05 pm
@ehBeth,
Great advice, Beth!
0 Replies
 
Diane
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 09:39 pm
Joe, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. {{{{{{Joe}}}}}}
0 Replies
 
JTT
 
  0  
Reply Sat 27 Apr, 2013 09:49 pm
@roger,
Quote:
You was used, all righty, especially since I suspect she could have given you the heave ho much early if you hadn't been so gosh darn useful.



That's hardly something you could judge from your "vantage" point, Roger.

I understand that Joe is your friend but no one needs these silly evaluations. Joe doesn't even know if he was used. The lady could have been wondering right up to the instant she made the decision to leave - "Is it gonna work for us or not?"

These are the kind of ignorant - in the sense of not having a clue about the actual situation- that often makes splits ending up becoming childish spats, not what and how they should be, adults deciding to go their separate ways.
0 Replies
 
Joe Nation
 
  2  
Reply Sun 28 Apr, 2013 01:23 am
I'm going through the phases. Happy to be me, goddammit to be me, open and careful, and quietly crazy.

It's been very nice to meet all of them,me, but some have to go now.

Especially the bitter one who write notes like "I can't throw these out and I can't keep them." Taking your advice, B.

Joe(thanks for all the positive, open advice)Nation
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Apr, 2013 02:54 am
@Joe Nation,

Quote:
Since the first of April, I have lost 10.5 pounds and I am feeling good about that.


Me too! 9 lbs in about three weeks! And I'm taking next to no exercise. So that's good. The next nine pounds will be harder, though. Onwards and downwards.
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Apr, 2013 03:00 am
@Joe Nation,

Quote:
She replied that during the move wasn't the time to talk about anything, too much to do, too many pressures, so she couldn't talk about it. She also set a trap. She said because she didn't want to argue, so she would ask me every morning what I thought the plan would be and then she just agreed. Supposedly I never asked her what she wanted....so, she never got things done the way she wanted them done.


Unpleasant. Sounds like the perpetual victim, going round harbouring resentments. (while accepting help) Not good. We've got one of these in our family.
Joe Nation
 
  2  
Reply Sun 28 Apr, 2013 05:52 am
@McTag,
Quote:
Unpleasant. Sounds like the perpetual victim, going round harbouring resentments. (while accepting help) Not good.

Really so unlike her. Something odd happened. Now I see on Facebook that she is ill with the sort of stomach flu which used to vex her . meh.

I haven't unfriended her. It seems to me to be petty and kind of high school, but I've reduced her to an acquaintance so that her posts don't show up on my page. I have to go look for them.
Yes.
The next step is to stop looking for them. Morbid curiosity.... i'm sure.

HOORAY FOR ME AND McTAG. We are disappearing just the way we want to.

Here's this morning's SkyWriting.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hbrlVJDOTuI/UX0JiGqqE5I/AAAAAAAAYio/o6cuX3M6bcc/s640/First+breath+4-28-2013+6-08-08+AM.JPG

Going to be a busy day. We're going to Yonkers to buy all the supplies for the garden for the roofdeck. Veggies and flowers and pots and planter boxes and more.

Joe(oh my)Nation
cicerone imposter
 
  3  
Reply Sun 28 Apr, 2013 10:55 am
@Joe Nation,
You wrote,
Quote:
Morbid curiosity.... i'm sure.


I had a good laugh after reading "that" statement, because I'm prone to peek at peoples posts that I have put on Ignore. LOL
 

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