Leave Frank alone. I think in some ways he's more hurt than I am. You'd think L. would have had the decency not to come to the Pan one week before leaving, but no, we all watched the sunset together. So.
EVA: I spent several minutes flipping the pages of the running man sticky notes and then decided that that was not a productive exercise. I just checked the empty box, you didn't send any Scotch. Just Scotch Tape. Just as good.
==
I got blindsided by Bonnie Raitt today. She's been stalking me for years. I first heard the song
"I can't make you love me." about twelve years ago and I thought even then "Oh, someday I shall sing this song." Isn't that odd? I remember thinking that as I walked home from work one day that that song would pop up somewhere in my future.
Oh, here the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlrXIvMmG3s
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed,
Turn down the voices inside my head..... .
I've been doing pretty good of late. Did I tell you that the ring is off? Yes. 'tis. Back with my father's handiwork jewelry in the little clear case. And I've told some more people who should know and some that I wanted to tell just to practice saying the words on someone.
"We've separated."
"We are not together anymore."
But today, about ten AM when I was fully awake and into my day, the radio played Bonnie. I heard the tinkly little piano intro from across the room.
Guess what my reaction was?
I walked across the room to have a listen.
"Let's just see if I'm tough enough for this yet." said my heart.
"I can't make your heart feel something it won't....."
I'm listening.
"Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't, no, you won't..... .
then I remembered ahead a little to the line:
"Give me till then to give up this fight.
And I will give up this fight."
Every time before when I heard this song, I didn't understand what the writer meant by
"And I will give up this fight."
But today I did.
One of the last things I said to L in person was "I never gave up you." and I never did. I stayed. I stayed through the years of therapy, I stayed through the quittings of jobs and the year of "trying to discover if I'm a designer", I stayed. I stayed through the anger and the put-downs and the avoidances.
Of course, she stayed too. Through my stupidities, through my stupidities, through my most grevious stupidities. And there were many.
Still... there we were.
But at the end, something broke in her and she could not stay.
And I could not fight her leaving.
So, today, I finally heard the song.
Finally heard the 'give up this fight' not as a defeat but as a release from a bondage.
Still, I cried for what is now gone,
for what parts of my previous life I mourn
and I tried to feel some power,
the strength of the reborn,
but all that is still quietly forming,
all still quietly forming.
Joe(and now I'm gone.)Nation
