A good cry on the train

Joe Nation
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 04:54 am
Where was I? Oh, yes, Eva's care package arrived containing three large doses of Chocolate Hot Cocoa which I am saving for one of the freezinass morning we have around here. A small bag of Almonds was quickly crunched down. Yum.
I am now the possesser of a pad of sticky notes with a little running man on each. Perfect for me.
And a large pad entitled SHITLIST enabling me to carefully note who is on or off the list, what their offense was and, delightfully, what my plan of revenge will be.
Doublestick tape was in the box to facilitate LIST posting. PostingS?
(I seldom take the time to actually write these things out. Maybe I should.)

And a card saying:
The barn's burned down.
Now I can see the moon.

It's on my wall now.

Joe(my first piece of the art restoration)Nation

Sat 30 Aug, 2008 05:08 am
@Joe Nation,
I like this!:

The barn's burned down.
Now I can see the moon.

Very Happy

G'day, Joe. How's it going?
Joe Nation
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 05:39 am
It's from a zen poetry master named Masahide. http://www.poetry-chaikhana.com/M/Masahide/Whenbirdpass.htm

I did not know him before.

Msolga: Have I ever told you how often I quote your tagline to people? Three or four times a month, I find I am using it to make a point about humans and how we treat one another. So thank you for finding it.
I was reminded by Eva that this must be the start of my 2,683rd life.
(See my profile before I change it.)

Joe(and I must change it soon.)Nation
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 07:10 am
@Joe Nation,
Thank you for introducing me to Masahide, Joe. What a delight. I will return to that site!

As to my tagline: Thank you! It's courtesy of this craggy (80 year) old "gardening guru" who has just retired after presenting the ABC gardening show for years & years. (He just woke up one morning, not so long ago, & decided it might be a good idea to do something different!) Anyway, I like the quote partly because it came from such an unlikely source ... you'd usually associate him with violently pruning some poor bush within an inch of its life, or cooing enthusiatically about the wonders of horse manure ... But then I discovered he's been an activist for yonks. For all the "right" causes! And still at it at 80:

Not a bad way to live a long life, hey? A trouble-maker to the end. Very Happy

I will now go to your profile & read up on your 2,682nd life, before everything changes!
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Sat 30 Aug, 2008 07:15 am
Actually, Joe, that was your 2,784th life. You certainly have been a busy bee!
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Sat 30 Aug, 2008 07:27 am
@Joe Nation,
What a great package, Eva!
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Sat 30 Aug, 2008 08:55 am
Smooches, Joe (just reread your profile).

Crack open that chrysalis, baby. Time for another life.

jes(when people say "Get a life!", do you ask, "Which one?")pah
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Sat 30 Aug, 2008 11:46 am
@Joe Nation,
Oh good, it arrived!

Sorry about the wrong life number, Joe. I lose track after the first 2,000. Oh, and the sticky notes are actually a flip pad. Flip through it and the little stick figure man actually runs. AND...I started to fill out the first section of the **** LIST form for you, but stopped myself. (You're welcome.) Couldn't afford to send good Scotch, and I REALLY wish the double-stick tape could fix broken hearts, but it's a reminder to stick extra close to friends right now.

I should've sent more almonds. (For Gawd's sake, EAT!!! You're gonna look like that stick figure running man if you keep this up!)

--E(don't worry about the clouds, the moon will be out soon)va
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Sat 30 Aug, 2008 12:36 pm

A friend said her friend said:

"I've got people to do things with. I just haven't got anybody to do nothing with."


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Frank Apisa
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 02:46 pm

Still trying to get this thing straight in my mind. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Anyway, it's always about me in my world...and the thought I shared with you on the Pan the other night is still paramount.

"Now I know for sure I've got someone to meet for dinner when I come into town."

Hope you are still coping as well as you were.

About that subway--

--unfortunately, I've gotta report that another young guy stood up and offered me his seat the other day. What a bunch of bullshit! Goddam people oughta stay seated and stop that "let the ole geezer sit down" nonsense.

I'm not being ungrateful, am I???

Sat 30 Aug, 2008 02:52 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Excuse me, Frank. I was about to post here, but I saw I ought to let the old guy go first.
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 02:57 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Well, hell-the-****-o!
Joe Nation
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 07:40 pm
Leave Frank alone. I think in some ways he's more hurt than I am. You'd think L. would have had the decency not to come to the Pan one week before leaving, but no, we all watched the sunset together. So.

EVA: I spent several minutes flipping the pages of the running man sticky notes and then decided that that was not a productive exercise. I just checked the empty box, you didn't send any Scotch. Just Scotch Tape. Just as good.

I got blindsided by Bonnie Raitt today. She's been stalking me for years. I first heard the song "I can't make you love me." about twelve years ago and I thought even then "Oh, someday I shall sing this song." Isn't that odd? I remember thinking that as I walked home from work one day that that song would pop up somewhere in my future.
Oh, here the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlrXIvMmG3s

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed,
Turn down the voices inside my head..... .

I've been doing pretty good of late. Did I tell you that the ring is off? Yes. 'tis. Back with my father's handiwork jewelry in the little clear case. And I've told some more people who should know and some that I wanted to tell just to practice saying the words on someone.
"We've separated."

"We are not together anymore."
But today, about ten AM when I was fully awake and into my day, the radio played Bonnie. I heard the tinkly little piano intro from across the room.

Guess what my reaction was?

I walked across the room to have a listen.
"Let's just see if I'm tough enough for this yet." said my heart.
"I can't make your heart feel something it won't....."
I'm listening.
"Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't, no, you won't..... .

then I remembered ahead a little to the line:
"Give me till then to give up this fight.
And I will give up this fight."

Every time before when I heard this song, I didn't understand what the writer meant by "And I will give up this fight."

But today I did.

One of the last things I said to L in person was "I never gave up you." and I never did. I stayed. I stayed through the years of therapy, I stayed through the quittings of jobs and the year of "trying to discover if I'm a designer", I stayed. I stayed through the anger and the put-downs and the avoidances.

Of course, she stayed too. Through my stupidities, through my stupidities, through my most grevious stupidities. And there were many.

Still... there we were.

But at the end, something broke in her and she could not stay.

And I could not fight her leaving.

So, today, I finally heard the song.
Finally heard the 'give up this fight' not as a defeat but as a release from a bondage.

Still, I cried for what is now gone,
for what parts of my previous life I mourn
and I tried to feel some power,
the strength of the reborn,
but all that is still quietly forming,
all still quietly forming.

Joe(and now I'm gone.)Nation
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 07:59 pm
@Joe Nation,
Boy, do I understand that post.
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 08:12 pm
Me, too. That song has haunted me for years.
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 08:20 pm
Right there with ya. So sorry you're going through this, Joe. You're not alone. It WILL get (gradually better) and we're all here. Here's to you, Joe (we're routing for ya) nation. Lifting my glass of merlot to you right now.
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 08:28 pm
(I'm slightly afraid to click on the video.. sort of an emotional day here at Casa Sandinshoes, mostly good, well, not baaaad emotions.)
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 08:29 pm
Hey Joe(do you need a hug) Nation

With ya too

Iz (will ya hug me back)zie x
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Sat 30 Aug, 2008 08:30 pm
Oh Jo (CasaSandinshoes) Osso

Please feel better soon...

Iz (overly emotional too right now) zie
Sat 30 Aug, 2008 09:09 pm
I'm ok, Iz. My divorce was finalized in 2000. We'd been together (uh, hard to calculate, relative to the leaving and the paperwork) 2o plus years. I was around JoeN's age then. Not interested in going back in time now, but I still have sweet and bittersweet memories. I'm not really sorry about any of it. Well.. much: the fodder of life.

I'm also sentimental about Dag leaving Boston. And frightened for people on the coastal gulf.
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