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found homemade dildo and vibrator in 14 y.o. daughters rm.

 
 
PamO
 
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 12:21 pm
I have been away from Able2know for some time, and now that I have a challenge, I am returning...I know you guys are very helpful. I do not want to disclose this to family members because I do not want them to think differently of my daughter. Here goes:

My daughter is very curvy, pretty, and it seems she knows it... She is 14 and has a history of being a little on the sneaky side. One example: I drop her and a friend off at the movies by our home, I proceed on to Target to shop, minutes later I see her ducking behind a rack at Target with her friend and a couple of boys. Ok, so that's the last time I am dropping you off anywhere, I tell her... Also, she was secretly "dating" an 18 year old...this only lasted one month, thank God, because I went in her room and found pictures of her kissing this boy (or man)...This was last Jan. and she has been grounded since then.

Because she is dishonest at times, I do go into her room about once a month to scope things out...I also monitor her myspace page and history. She's pretty clean there. Yesterday I found a condom filled with play-doh in her closet...she had crammed a lot in there and had it tied on the end. So, next to that item, rested a Dove facial scrubber thing that runs on a AA battery. I picked it up and turned it on....pretty powerful little face scrubber.

Now, I am all for understanding that she's a teen who is experimenting...and I do give her snaps for creativity for even coming up with the play- doh dildo....however, I am wondering if anyone else out there has any sort of ideas or thoughts on this.

I did discover that it is indeed a condom from my nightstand, and I did buy her that face scrubber about a month ago, and the play-doh came from her three year old sisters collection....so, I at least don't have to worry about HOW she got the items. My husband and I have decided to not say anything to her, to simply chalk it up to being young and curious. What would you do?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 44 • Views: 408,855 • Replies: 119

 
squinney
 
  3  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:00 pm
Hi PamO.

I think if it were me I'd start talking. Alot.

Talk about safe sex.
Talk about sex being personal and intimate, not a game.
Talk about self esteem.
Talk about self respect.
Talk about peer pressure.
Talk about all the stuff that goes into the decisions she is making. (except play-doh)

Keep her close and her her friends closer.

How are you, btw?
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:04 pm
Ditto what Squinney just wrote:

I would do similarly to what you're doing. She's experimenting and perhaps you can let her know subtly with a conversation that being interested in sex (and masturbation) is not something for her to be ashamed of. Somehow a dialogue of some sort will help the process. Of course, you don't want to let her know that you discovered her "device" through snooping.

You have to give her credit for creativity. Though, as she's being sneaky, she must have acquired that trait from somewhere, huh?

Try not to over-react or be overly protective. You said she is attractive and "curvy", so she'll get a fair share of notice from the boys and boys in late teens. Does this horrify you for some reason? (A boy that is 18 is far from a man, though.)

However, this is an easy thing for me to advise about as I'm a non-parent, I realize. She needs to tow the line but also socialize while also feeling it's OK to come to you with her relationship issues. Right now she's in 'lock-down' mode.

Perhaps it would be good timing to take her out of punishment phase with a frank discussion about her privileges and appropriate behavior. Do realize that she will probably continue to test the limits with dating older guys and what not. Ever hear of the forbidden fruit? Don't expect your daughter to be a robot and obey all the time.

Try to let her know what you expect from her and take the mystery and "spice" away from seeing older boys. You've got a tough situation but don't make it worse calling so much attention to it that she rebels by heading towards it. As for the duration of punishment, a month of grounding might have been enough..two months...not sure, but that's strictly your call. I don't know about her attitude..etc.
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  2  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:11 pm
Well, based soley I what I read, it seems you are somehow mixing up the fact she maturbates, with all the other stuff and your concerns.

The fact she masturbates is simply none of your business.
How she chooses to maturbate is none of your business.

The other things?

Young girl, older guy, sneaking out? concern about her curvy and how it will entice a lot of attention?

That's what you should be talking to her about.

Her masturbating is no ones business but her own.
0 Replies
 
PamO
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:12 pm
That's great advice. Thank you. I am open and keep my tone on a "mom level" when we have talked about it in the past. I mostly describe situations I was presented with when I was a teen and then how I handled them. Sometimes I have had to bend the truth a tad..Sad Self esteem is almost EVERYTHING with everyone at any age, isn't it?

I will casually bring all of these items you listed up again.

Thank you for asking how I am. I just ended my battle with breast cancer. Had my last treatment Oct. 07....I have a Will Ferrell fro going on, but its better than bald.Smile I'm happy and healthy and trying to have baby #4. Thank you again. Smile
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:13 pm
How are sexual conversations in your house hold?

Next to non -existent?

Constant?
Jokes only?

It sounds like it is a little too late to change anything.. ( as in age wise) but it is never too late to make sex a comfortable issue.

As a mother myself, the LAST THING I want to think about is my daughter having sex.. but you know what? that is what her body is supposed to do.

She will have urges, she will have sex, and she will date.

So , in reality all I should do is teach her how to do it right, do it safe, and respect herself.

And in my opinion, that starts with conversations initiated by me, and sometimes ( mroe then likely actually) finished by me as well.

What ever you do... dont tell your daughter you are invading her privacy.

nothing will be more embarrassing to her then you knowing her masturbation habits and items. NOTHING. please don't tell her..
0 Replies
 
Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:17 pm
thank god none of my cubs ever masturbated.
PamO
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:23 pm
Thanks for your thoughtful post Ragman. I have been easy going on the "grounding" part...I just do not drop her at the mall or movies anymore. She's also an honor student with all A's, I forgot to add. Attitudinal? Yes, she is....We all joke that she's simply very brave and confident, though.
0 Replies
 
Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:25 pm
she could write an e book on how to make vibrators and dildos from common ordinary household items that moms and dads wouldn't notice and market it to her peer group through myspace and such and make a fortune. Probably finance her college tuition.

This kid sounds like a sharp cookie.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  3  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:26 pm
Also, I noticed that you wrote: "...Ok, so that's the last time I am dropping you off anywhere, I tell her... "

By not dropping her off when she wants a ride somewhere won't solve the problem, as I'm sure you must realize. There has to be a mutual respect rekindled here. She chose to be sneaky for a REASON. She and you need to get back on the right footing. She needs to trust you again and that you won't be overly harsh and so restrictive that she feels the need to sneak around. She needs to realize that older boys are off- limits and less she comes to the door with them (or not at all).

If you've already had the following discussion, pls forgive me ... :

She also needs to understand what you expect from her (behavior-wise) when she's behind closed doors -- that sex is not a power game for HER and that the consequences are far to dire. No matter whether she sees a boy or man, she can still become pregnant if she chooses to play with fire.
PamO
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:27 pm
Oh gosh, no I would never let her know I know. I'm even embarrassed for myself for finding it, truthfully. I'm not ashamed for her...I give her kudos for creativity, in fact. She IS an excellent artist to boot. Very creative.
0 Replies
 
Miklos7
 
  2  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:27 pm
You were searching her room--behavior not recommended for building trust, as kids your daughter's age are smart and observant; they can generally tell if someone has been into their stuff--so you really are not in a position to make any observations that relate directly to what MAY be her private sex gear. I say "maybe" because she may simply have thought it amusing to fill a condom with her younger sister's Play-Doh; the only person who knows if she uses it as a dildo is she. And, if she does, that's her business. I dunno about the "vibrator." Could be. Again, it's her business. Neither one is going to get her pregnant or make false promises or corrupt her.

I agree with the other posts completely: what's needed here is some sensible conversation with your daughter, to sort out whether she is appropriately-for-her-age well-informed on the topic of sex.

If she is acting "sneaky," that could possibly be in reaction to your room searches. I really wouldn't do that again, unless the situation is really dire--like you seriously fear she is into smoking crack. If my wife and I had ever searched our daughters' rooms, they would have been outraged, rightly--and, in retribution, they might well have planted some interesting finds to get at us.

When we talked sex with our girls, it was almost entirely about developing a healthy attitude. Kids of 12 or 14 know the basic mechanics of sex--though it's best to check to be sure they have them right. Pregnancy-proofing is of great importance.

Sounds like the first thing you need to do is establish a good line of communication, in general. Best wishes in this vital endeavor.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:31 pm
Ragman wrote:
She needs to realize that older boys are off- limits and less she comes to the door with them (or not at all)..


I would love to see that happen for any girl, but sadly most young women LOVE the attention of older "men"
( men being relative to the girls age. At 14 she may think a 19 year old is a grown man for example)

To openly make it taboo is to entice the behavior.

Maybe it makes me a liberal hippy nudie type parent but I am a firm believer of teaching your child how to have safe sex, and making sex a comfortable topic in the household, is the most effective approach then to set up boundaries like that one..

ALL teenagers have sex of some kind. Solo, group, hetero/homo you name it.. they have it.

Teach them how to use condoms and pills and hope for the best.
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:33 pm
Speaking of which, can you get your daughter on B/C pills?
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:33 pm
PamO wrote:
Oh gosh, no I would never let her know I know. I'm even embarrassed for myself for finding it, truthfully. I'm not ashamed for her...I give her kudos for creativity, in fact. She IS an excellent artist to boot. Very creative.


Ok...lots of posts in the last few minutes.

Please ignore what I wrote about your choice about dropping her off at the mall...OK? You have this well-managed. It sounds like you are very sensitively handling this -- a perceptive and bright lady with a great hubby and talented brave daughter.

My prayers are with you for your recovery from breast cancer and this future pregnancy.
0 Replies
 
PamO
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:39 pm
I wouldn't say "searching her room"...I just simply open the door and have a "look around." When I "looked" around her room in Jan. it was my first voyage in there with out her present, and was prompted because I spotted a mouse. Mouse freaked me out more than a homemade dildo. Smile

She's also prone to eating in her room, which is a no-no, and along with the photos of her and 18 year old guy making out, were two pizza boxes with pizza still in them...yuck.

Yesterday was only my 2nd time in there. I left her items as they lay.
I will most certainly do this again, I'm sort of embarrassed to say.

And I will seriously open up the topic of sex with her...not today, but it's probably that time again soon. We talk alot, I'd say. And she knows how sex works from me, *I think.* I've talked about it a lot.
0 Replies
 
squinney
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:41 pm
Pam - so glad to hear you've finished up the treatments and that you are feeling better. Ya know, some woulda done anything to have had one of those fro's forty years ago. Laughing
0 Replies
 
Miklos7
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:43 pm
"ALL teenagers have sex of some kind. Solo, group, hetero/homo you name it.. they have it."

So true, Shewolf. About 10 years ago, when I was still teaching, a 9th-grade girl remarked to me, out of nowhere, slowly shaking her head: "Unless you know for a fact that someone is celibate, you can assume everybody is screwing everbody." THAT got my attention.

I think the high-school sex scene is emotionally very dangerous, but that fact is a hard sale to a teenager, who is full of hormones and whose days and nights are full of opportunity. A parent can at least try to insure that no one gets pregnant; that's a basic, immutable responsibility.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:49 pm
PamO wrote:
I wouldn't say "searching her room"...I just simply open the door and have a "look around." When I "looked" around her room in Jan. it was my first voyage in there with out her present, and was prompted because I spotted a mouse. Mouse freaked me out more than a homemade dildo. Smile

She's also prone to eating in her room, which is a no-no, and along with the photos of her and 18 year old guy making out, were two pizza boxes with pizza still in them...yuck.

Yesterday was only my 2nd time in there. I left her items as they lay.
I will most certainly do this again, I'm sort of embarrassed to say.

And I will seriously open up the topic of sex with her...not today, but it's probably that time again soon. We talk alot, I'd say. And she knows how sex works from me, *I think.* I've talked about it a lot.


Pam, I am on the other side on this one - I feel that as her parent you have every right to look in her room. Kids don't tell you much these days, and no matter how many talks one can have with them about sex, drugs, hitchhiking, parties, etc., they are often still quite stupid - meaning, they think they "know it all" and we know nothing, that they are invincible and it won't happen to them. How else can we find out what's really going on with them? We need to look after them, do we not?

I wouldn't advertise that I've been in there, but I would continue to peruse the room.

When my daughter was 17, she got really secretive and I read her diary. I'm glad I did because I found out she was having sex with someone in her class. That prompted me to do the 'sex' talk again. I intimated that at her age she might get interested in someone so she should probably visit her doctor for B/C pills, and by the way, just in case, she should pick up some condoms. She took it really well and because we are all very private in our family, no revelations were forthcoming, but again, since I knew she was 'active', it wasn't necessary.

Follow your instincts. There's nothing wrong with being a mama.
OGIONIK
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Mar, 2008 01:51 pm
shes growing up. congrats.

From here it only gets worse!
 

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