My husband asked–are you putting on weight–what should I do?

Chai,

I beg to differ. I think this has everything to do with communication and with the relationship.

I can only comment on my personal feeling in the context of the relationships I have been a part of. If my partner flew off the handle because of an off the cuff comment (that apparently wasn't meant to be hurtful) I would consider this a sign of a problem in our relationship. I am really happy that I don't have to constantly walk on eggshells around the person who is such an important part of my life.

I don't at all understand your point with weight being a failure to the same expense as losing a job.

I do believe that each person in a relationship should understand and be sensitive to issues the other person is touchy about... but a minor breach should also be quickly forgiven.

One other point...

I am married to a Latina. The cultural differences are interesting in that pointing out peoples physical characteristics-- whether flattering or not- are both commonplace and often endearing.

My wife constantly refers to her sister with the nickname "gorda" which literally means "fatty". I am referred to as "peloncito" for which a literal translation would be something like "little bald guy". These kinds of little nicknames are common and are intended to show affection.

If people accept their physical characteristics... it makes the more important things, like relationships, that much easier.

Please replace Sonic with George....



Who's next?

ebrown - people and relationships vary. so do people's sensitivities and styles of communication. What is normal to you, might be uncomfortable to another. What is not understandable to you, might be perfectly normal to another. There is no one right way of a relationship. Some people share every minute detail, others give each other a lot of space.

I myself am not the sharing cuddly kind and i appreciate if my weight is left alone unless i myself bring up the subject. By anyone, including closest relatives. Matter of preference on one side, matter of respect on the other. I had it out with my mother on this one recently, and our relationship is better for it now, but it was unpleasant for awhile. She of course had best intentions, not realizing she's hurting me.

Excuse me, telling your wife that she has gained weight is hurtful to her,
and most other women too. Your wife might be exceptional in this,
although I would not recommend giving it a try.

Thank you and I did not fly off the handle. I told him that he should never say that to a woman. I did not yell or threaten. If anything I was shocked that he would say something hurtful as he is normally not like that. I actually turned it around on him to make it more amusing - while still letting him know that it is hurtful. I do understand that he didn't mean it in a hurtful way, but I also wanted him to understand that many women would take it that way - and yes for some one who cares about her appearance, it is hurtful.

For a lot of women it is akin to being told "you're getting wrinkles" as someone points to their wrinkles.

Pointing it out is not helpful and has no outcome except hurt feelings.

I don't care who you are, lover, mother, best friend, etc., the only person who can comment on my weight is my doctor. Anyone else, is tactless.

It sounds like ebrown_p has the perfect relationship for him. If only we all could be that lucky.

I would encourage husbands to try to develop a marriage were their wives would not think twice about talking about their weight, because the wives feel that the couple are a team, and know that their husbands will accept them and be supportive of them even when they do put on weight.

We talk about weight in my marriage, my wife tells me exactly what the scales says, sometimes I ask, normally she brings it up herself. This kind of intimacy does not develop right away, it takes a few years into the marriage for many, but it is the way to go. Intimacy is being a part of each others inner world, for women who obsess about their weight (my wife is one who does) keeping their men out of this part of who they are is pushing away intimacy.

This has absolutely nothing to do with intimacy or marriage problems,
but everything with being tactless and inconsiderate. Get a hold of yourself!
There are no marriage problems in anyone's life, if a husband obliviously says something that will hurt his wife's feeling.

Next thing your saying is that anyone who thinks differently should seek marriage counseling.

glad it works for you hawkeye and that you have a happy marriage that way. it absolutely would not work for me, in fact i would resent it. like i said, people are vastly different and that's ok. that doesn't mean that your standards (or mine or whoevers) are the best measure for every couple on this planet.

i would encourage husbands AND wives to nurture empathy and understanding for the other - that may entail sharing... OR giving space to the other. again, that differs from couple to couple.

Re: Bear


I wouldn't dare....if it's toilet paper effect you're speaking of.....and I have references :wink:

OH and having good intentions does not mean the result cannot be hurtful to someone. It can be pretty selfish at times, putting my good intentions on display (don't you see? i meant well! You're foolish to take offense!) and not considering the other person's feelings.

If the husband brings up weight and the wife is offended by it then he was either careless of he does not know her very well. There is no defense for a husband making this mistake. However, I am not a fan of, and would not be willing to accept as good enough, the level of intimacy in a marriage were talking about weight would be a problem of this magnitude. I condemn the husband, but for an entirely different reason then you do.

Different strokes for different folks.

exactly.



??? for what do you "condemn" the husband?

Ok gentlemen, let me let you in on something that women (for some cultures more than others) go through every, or almost every day of their lives...

I'd like to preface this with saying I know I have a much more positive body image of myself than many gals walking around out there (present company of A2K ladies excluded, we're too busy howling at the moon).
Part of my self assurance came with age, and other parts for a myriad of reasons. But, I am certainly not exempt from the occasssional bad feeling about myself. I'm very very glad I'm not a young (teens or 20's) woman who is out there, and for good or bad, feels the competition to look better than others.

Every day women (in general) get up, watch the news, where there's always some news story and many commercials, involving thinnes, beauty, and on and on. I don't need to expound on that, if you haven't seen it, you've lived a sheltered life.

Throughout the day, bill boards, radio, TV, magazines, the internet, other forms of media....we are bombarded from all sides, all the time.

Every time on come on A2K, I'm treated to the banner ads, saying "click here" that has some busty but otherwise skinny woman smiling seductively out at the world.

For me, I don't resent it, I ignore it, because....been there, done that....I know where my priorities are, etc. Linkat I'm sure is the same kind of woman. So is dag, shewolf, etc.

But....it's there, it's always there. We all have female friends/relatives who ARE preoccupied with 5 pounds, or 50, thinking they Would be better, more desireable, if they could acheive that.

If, hawkeye and ebrown, you don't see that, I don't hold it against you. Men and women are wired differently, but as a woman, I know that's what women are subject to, and it's damn hard sometimes. Especially if you have young females growing up and you're trying to raise them the right way. It's just there.

So....when someone does make a comment like that, whether you understand it or not, it hurts. It doens't mean your relationship is bad, or you don't communicate, if you don't see how it would hurt, then you just don't.

BTW ebrown, I thought I made it very clear by indicating my example was not the best, that, well it was not the best, but it's what I could think of.

However, what I obviously (I thought) was trying to get across was that each gender has aspects they are sensitive about.

For many women, it's their appearance.
For many men, it's their ability to provide.

It hurts when someone questions a womens ability to remain attractive.
It hurts when someone questions a mans ability to provide.

I didn't think that was difficult to understand, but, it might be one of those men women things.

I'll tell you what hurts me even more, is seeing young women that live their lives based on how much they weigh, and how good or bad their day is depends on what the scale says that particular morning.

It's not necasarily that a man made the weight comment, it's that anyone makes it.

Is that f*cked up?.....yes, no denying it.

Is that the way many people are?.....yes, no denying it.

Jesus, you know what? I was just overcome with a tremendous wish that lord ellpus were here. He'd know what to say.

oh lord ellpus, lord ellpus, lord.

When I noticed my wife had put on some weight I didnt say anything, just started watching "Fat porn".

Part of this is about acceptance. I think Tom Lehrer says it best.

When You are Old and Grey

Putting on a few pounds...not worth saying anything. Putting on a lot of weight...hell yes, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel taking care of their body is important. Wait...working out all week then abusing the liver on the weekends is still taking care of my body, right? Dammit....

the fact that i don't desire to share every intimate detail with the other does not mean i am not accepting of what i look like. people have different personalities, you know.

not you....the other one.

Yes, it might be a health concern, too. But we weren't talking about such cases here, at least i wasn't.