Husband taking part in chores around the house

Thanks mame, I was too excited about that post to wait and see what anybody else had said.
But basically, you said it all!

I'll start by saying (laughing) that seeing the avatar without paying attention to the name made me very confused. I thought Debra Law was saying that stuff in ebrowns posts. Really threw me for a few minutes.

As far as Jodie - I'd be there to listen, but let your friend make her own decision as to what is best for her without judgement. They have obviously been married a long time and she has contributed to her current situation by allowing herself to be treated this way. If she wants to change it, she'll have to change herself.

Some couples get along just fine with such arrangements of work and home. I don't think it is for us to judge that such arrangements are unjust. I wouldn't live that way, but my Mom and step-dad do and they are one of the happiest couples I know. It works for them. If it were to stop working, I'd help Mom work through the changes she wanted to make but I certainly wouldn't suddenly make my step-Dad the bad guy.

Squinney,

I agree with all you say. And, although I would never call a man who contributes nothing to housework automatically "a bad guy," I surely would feel justified in calling him "clueless" about the culture of the last half-century. To me what would make a "bad guy" of such a man is his being WILLFULLY clueless about his responsibilities.

eoe

He wants her to get a job because they would have more money to spend. She use to work when their children were growing up and once they got through college she felt that she needed some time for herself.
She worked part time and still did all of the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping caring for the children and what ever else that needed to be done. He likes having the grandchildren as long as she takes care of them. Her grandchildren live out of town so she will take them for a week at a time. Would he think about giving her a break by taking the kids to the park, for an ice cream or just to have a little free time for her self. Keep in mind he wants to get to know the grandchildren but will not help out in any way. What is this???
I really try to not give her advice because she needs to make up her own mind as to what she wants to do. I am a good listner.

Oh! So she established this situation years ago where she worked outside the home and did all of the cooking and cleaning and child rearing? No wonder he expects her to do it again. It should be easier this time because there are no children to raise, right?:wink:

Establishing new rules to an old game is hard but hell, nothing's impossible. I wish her luck.

Me, too! That's going to be very hard.

eoe

This couple are from two totally different back grounds. She is the type of person that if something needs to be done she will just do it. On the other hand he is the type of person that will sit and let anybody do what ever they will do so he won't have to. She says if he does do anything he will do a half assed job thinking he want be asked to do it again. She is a go getter type person and he will just sit back to see what happens. What a pair!

From the sound of it, yes they are. Opposites do attract, and in many cases do compliment each other. In any case she picked him, if she picked poorly that's on her, and is her cross to carry.

Hawkeye,

Are you saying that we MUST live with any poor choice we make? We might have to live with ourselves for having made a poor choice, but we needn't stick with what we chose forever. Also, cannot poor choices evolve into good choices--and good choices into poor choices?

Haven't read the entire post but came across an interesting article.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/03/06/men.share.chores.ap/index.html

Hawkeye

Are you saying she should suffer the consequenses for the rest of her life? I think it is time she takes charge of her life and decides what she wants instead of just doing it because that is what he wants. If this was a normal situation they could come to a decision together. But for him to tell her he would like for her to get a job outside the home and then make it clear that he is not going to help out in anyway. Doesn't it sound like he wants to be in control ? Too much for me!!

If he is in control it is only because she wants and/or allows it. Check out the BDSM lifestyle, some men and women willingly agree to become slaves for their mates. That is extreme, but people make all variations of choices between a completely equal in every way relationship and a master/slave relationship. Who are you to question their choices? So long as everyone is aware that they have choices, making sure that they do know is the limit of the correctness of our butting into their lives.

Men Who Do Housework May Get More Sex: Report
Thursday March 6, 2008


mebbe he's too old to care about the sex?

Hmmmm... I thought prostitution was still frowned upon.

((This is more evidence against my strange idea that women enjoy sex too))

Women are as always free to attempt to negotiate a deal on domestic work, and since most men want sex more than women sex is a bargaining chip. The study shows that the average is a 70/30 split on who does the work, if a woman wants to get closer to 50/50 in her marriage she might need to see about a deal. Guys know what others guys do, they are not going to take the argument that 50/50 is the standard, becuase it is not.

A man who doesn't get enough housework to do in his own home, can always go clean another house on the side ... no?

((personally the idea of trading anything for sex is unappealing))

Women are as always free to attempt to negotiate a deal on domestic work, and since most men want sex more than women sex is a bargaining chip. The study shows that the average is a 70/30 split on who does the work, if a woman wants to get closer to 50/50 in her marriage she might need to see about a deal. Guys know what others guys do, they are not going to take the argument that 50/50 is the standard, becuase it is not.[/quote]

You can't have a negotiation without two willing parties and from the sounds of this tale, he's not talking, he's telling.

And why should a woman 'need to see about a deal' in order to 'get closer to 50/50 in her marriage'? Why in the world should she? You've been advocating equality all along and now you're singing a different tune.

Tell me, what would your advice be to this woman in this situation, given the facts as we have them, or the story as it's been laid out.

And as far as going to a 'cleaner, younger house', yeah, good response, epbrown. He won't budge, she refuses to work as hard, he won't help pay for a cleaner, and the result is that he seeks out another woman? I trust you're joking.

Yes I was joking.

But I am serious that if sex ever becomes a bargaining chip in a marriage... I consider the marriage pretty much useless. (I was also serious about the fact that trading sex for housework makes one a prostitute).

I also point out that you are still making your judgments about this couple after having heard only one side of the argument.

There is always more than one side of any argument.

I agree with this.




I know! I'm going on what we've been told, and I specified that earlier... I said 'given the facts as we have them, or the story as it's been laid out', so cut me a break.




Gee, no kidding!

The marriage needs to be functioning for negotiation to take place. Some people believe that sex is not negotiable but unless both parties agree to sex every time the other wants it I think sex is always negotiated. Most people are unaware that they negotiate for sex, and I frown on lack of self awareness as a rule.

A woman who wants a husband who does half the housework, and has a husband who does not desire to do half the house work, needs to negotiate because the man is on firm ground. His doing half the house work would be abnormal, and if he does not want to do it there is no reason he should feel compelled to do it. He might do it simply because she really wants him to do it, but he has every right to expect her to shoot him some rhythm when he really wants something that she does not. Generally i think women are better of if they let their men do their share of the work in the marriage doing the things that they enjoy doing, want to do. Building, landscaping, fixing, problem solving and so on. Women demand that men do half the traditional woman's work at their own risk. Some men dig it though, and I have no problem with a man choosing to volunteer for domestic work.

You are talking to a guy who over the life time of my marriage has done about 90% of the domestic work. My wife hates it, is gone a lot, and sucks at it. I certainly have been compensated in part with sex, and both parties are happy enough with the deal to continue it.