Husband taking part in chores around the house

I can only guess at the reason, but many many studies show the Women do the majority of house chores no matter who works outside the house and how much. Women consistently complain about it, men consistently refuse to to an equal share.

I was a stay at home dad for ten years and did almost all of the house work during that time. I was always disrespected for doing so by men and often by women as well. My own take is that for a man "making an effort" to help is honorable, doing substantial housework is demoralizing and not a respectable use of a man's time. Cooking is somewhat of an exception, a man can do almost all of the cooking and be OK.

The answer is obvious.

She should announce that once she starts working she will be too busy and too tired to do household chores, just like he is. But with part of the money she will make, they can hire a regular housecleaner.

If her husband objects, then he can split the chores with her 50/50. (Assuming she agrees.)

Tell her to stand her ground.

That was my suggestion too. Bring in a housekeeper.

My friend had told her husband they would need a house keeper if he wasn't willing to help with the chores and he would not agree to that.
Sounds to me like he wants to run the show.

(I've been obnoxious enough on a2k today, I'll be quiet on this for tonight.)

(oooh, must go find osso's other posts! heh heh)

Re: topic

Him: "You are to go to work and do everything at home as well and I will continue to just do my day job."

Uh uh. And what the hell has the son got to do with any of this?? Butt out, bubba!

I would then tell the husband, "Okay, I'm not working then. I'll volunteer
or take courses or whatever."

I would just refuse to work outside the home. And maybe I'd become a little sloppy in my housecleaning (especially his laundry, food, areas)... yeah, maybe I'd just go on strike.

Yeah, that's it. What would he do if she just went on strike?

Oh, look at me, all riled up!

All men are slobs. Thats what my grandma says. Shes eighty-something.

I think that many women have tried the ultimatum/threat road trying to get their men to do housework, and few have been successful. Some men will do it for a short amount of time, but they never wanted to do it so they stop. Then the relationship must deal with the residuals of the laying down of the ultimatum/threat. Women either do it or it does not get done, and generally the women care more about the failure to get it done then the guys do, so again women lose. I don't know the answer here, but I don't think that anyone else does either. Maybe a deal, a trade??? Women want more housework from the men....and what would men want more of from women *thinking*?

hawkeye,
To put yourself in her position what would you do? She also told me that their grandchildren live out of town and she has taken them for a week at at time so she and her husband could spend some time with them and get to know them . Hubby will not lift a finger to do anything to help out or maybe take the kids somewhere and give her a break. It is all her responsibility but he likes having them around. I just think he is a lazy slob. She told him she could not take the children like that again and not have any help. He said well I want to get to know them. I personally could not live with someone so self centered.

Does she want to get a job or is this all about what her husband wants her to do?

These threads are inherently sexist... they rely on sexist stereotypes and unfair assumptions.

When it comes to marriage in the 21st century, men are getting the raw end of the deal.

First... let me point out that the original post told a brief story from only one point of view. The male side of the story was ignored and not even considered (as is too often the case).

Second... a healthy marriage is a partnership of equals. As such, these decisions should be decided on depending on the specifics of the specific marriage. It should be a discussion that leads to an agreement that both partners are happy with.

The "go on strike" idea is horrible advice (if one cares about the relationship). If the marriage is at this point then the strike is useless since the marriage needs either serious counseling or a couple divorce lawyers.

What ever happened to talking as two people committed to a marriage.

Third... negative stereotypes about men are harmful to marriage. The automatic assumption that when men and women disagree about the amount of work each contributes to the marriage... is that the poor suffering woman is always right.

50% of the time women complain that they do more work then their partner, they are wrong.


My advice to anyone in a marriage. Learn to talk as equals to work these things out in a way that you are both happy with. If you can't do this (and getting counseling is a worthwhile step) then just leave the marriage already.

Sexist negative stereotypes about men aren't good for your marriage.

This man is old enough to have grandchilden with his wife, and you think he's going to change now?

My mother had 5 children, worked full time with my father in the business.

He never changed a diaper, cooked a meal or vacuumed in his life. When they went to a restaurant with a salad bar, she would go make him a salad first, bring it back, then go make her own.

My husband does his own laundry, cleans his own bathroom, cleans the litter boxes and is generally responsible for the maintenance of all the mechanical things in the house. I cook because I'm better at it, do my own laundry, and clean my own bathroom.

Both of those men had been like that all their life.

If the tale, as presented, is factual, they are both anachronisms and like Chai asked, does she expect him to change now? I didn't realize they were grandparents. Both of them have spent their life building their relationship and they're both responsible for the way it is now.

I don't think talking will help, and I highly doubt the man would go to counselling. Why would he think he needed to? Nothing has changed in the last 30 years, after all.

But if I had a change of heart somewhere down the line where I wanted to work outside the home (and he wanted me, too), and he wasn't willing to contribute inside the home, then I certainly would stop doing certain things. I would "work to rule". It isn't so much as punishment as it is that there are only certain things a person can accomplish in a given day, and if one day he doesn't get his dinner or his laundry done, then that's just a natural consequence of her not being available 8 additional hours a day to keep the home fires burning. There is only so much load you can put on a donkey, after all.

The wife of the man Jodie34 describes in her initial post is dealing with a socially-undereducated husband. Where does he get off, urging her to get a job, but reminding her that, if she does, he STILL won't do any household chores? Is he a god? He surely doesn't sound like much of a partner.

I agree with Chai that teaching an older dog new tricks can be difficult--but, if the reward incentive is there, it can be done. Does this husband understand that his wife might be a great deal happier if he did a fair share of housework, even if she does not work outside the home? Maybe he doesn't care about her happiness. He MUST know that a lot of men do at least something around the house other than look decorative--and that some men split the chores 50/50 with their wives.

My father, born in 1910, always helped out around the house--and it was he who insisted that I, a son, learn, as a kid, to cook, do laundry, iron, vacuum, and sew on a button. From his POV, men who didn't carry their weight around the house were lazy and not really men. "Real men" were always fixing, repairing, building, wiring, plumbing, etc.--and, if they got in over their heads (easy with wiring and plumbing!), it was their responsibility to call in professional help. My father's behavior--and the similar behavior of most of his friends--tells me that the problem of the husband Jodie34 refers to is not automatically generational. It may well be that he kept taking, instead giving, and likes it that way.

Why is Jodie34's friend putting up with this man? If she were deeply, fathomlessly in love with him, she'd put up with this inequity and not mention it to Jodie34. That she has spoken up, tells me that she is not blissfully happy and would like her husband to change. She needs to tell him just what she'd like; that's only fair, as he has shown her and told her just what he likes. Insight, alas, does not automatically lead to change. If he "gets it," he still has a lot of work to do to change his attitude and willingly help her out. If he doesn't, why should she continue with him? Life is too short to carry an able-bodied freeloader for the duration. Life is for sharing experiences with lovers and friends, working hard, and having fun. I think this woman desperately needs a sharing man and some fun.

Her husband is the one that wants her to get a job. She feels like she has done enough over the years. She is sixty years old. Seems to me it would be time to think about retiring. I told her if he didn't help with the grandchildren I would not take them for that period of time.

Eoe has hit a nail on the head:

"If SHE wants to work now..." Yes, if she truly wants to try entering the job market at age 60, more power to her, and best wishes. And, yes, if she does work outside the home (or even works from an office in her home), she should hire a housekeeper. If her husband freaks out over a housekeeper, so be it. This fellow has enjoyed a selfish home-life way too long.

I would also argue that 60, these days, is plenty young enough to start having some fresh fun. If she can land a job that is satisfying to her, that alone may bring some happiness into her life. Frankly, with the current job scene--unless this woman has great qualifications--it may be very difficult for her to find fulfilling, interesting work. Flipping burgers or being a greeter to pay for a house-keeper seems a nowhere exchange. But I don't know the woman; it may be THAT important for her to get out of the house.

As someone suggested above, this woman might benefit from taking courses, volunteer some time where she's fully appreciated, etc. She has definitely paid some heavy dues in this marriage. Her turn to seek some enjoyment for herself.

Thanks everyone! I just wanted to get some opinions of how other people see this situation. She is my friend so I feel that I am very close to the situation its good to see how others view it. Personally, I think she has been a door mat long enough. I would be taking him to divorce court.

interesting, in our home there is not segregation of chores and yet mostly every gets done. sometimes i cook and sometimes lady Diane does, same with kitchen and I do my own laundry but often times lady D will fold and put away, again there is no list of who does what.