Marrying in a month BUT torn apart

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Every marriage can work if people put in effort to making it work and this efort must be equall from both partners.

Alone this statement is more than naive. You must be either very young
or extremely unexperienced.

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CalamityJane wrote:

Quote:
Every marriage can work if people put in effort to making it work and this efort must be equall from both partners.

Alone this statement is more than naive. You must be either very young
or extremely unexperienced.

What if the oeffort is not "equall" [sic]?

It is a bit like saying "Everybody can live like a millionaire if they have a million dollars". Or, "If we had some bacon we could have bacon and eggs if we had some eggs". My marriage could not work because my (ex) wife could not stop herself sleeping around. All the effort in the world on my part could not have saved it. I accuse Nose of either recklessly writing whereof he or she does not know, or else of deliberate mischief making.

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Aya, have you decided how you were going to approach him and when? Next month will be here before you know it.

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sorry folks but i did not mean to hurt anyone.I am only offering what i sincerely believe in and feel will be ok for Aya or any other .
I am neither young nor inexperienced as calamityjane wrote.On the contrary, i am writing from experience.
Marriage cannot be equated with the comparisons put foward by contrex

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My marriage could not work because my (ex) wife could not stop herself sleeping around. All the effort in the world on my part could not have saved it.

If i may ask, contrex,what do you think would have happened if your ex-wife had stopped her "sleeping around" and put in that little effort to be committed to loving and caring for you,making you happy? Add this little effort of hers to your own.Do you think something positive could not have come out of it to save the marriage?
Think of this contrex and calamityjane.

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With enough 'ifs' we could put Paris in a bottle.

(French proverb).

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Francis wrote:

With enough 'ifs' we could put Paris in a bottle.

(French proverb).

If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans, there'd be no need for tinkers (English proverb)

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nose wrote:

If i may ask, contrex,what do you think would have happened if your ex-wife had stopped her "sleeping around" and put in that little effort to be committed to loving and caring for you,making you happy? Add this little effort of hers to your own.Do you think something positive could not have come out of it to save the marriage?
Think of this contrex and calamityjane.

But she did not stop. The genie was out of the bottle. The relationship of trust had been irreparably destroyed. Why don't you understand that? We are talking about the real world, not your fantasy universe. Your attitude is somewhat tiresome, nose, as well as being very irritating.

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well i do agree with you that trust,honesty and openess is key to any marriage

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Haven't heard from Aya since last Sunday. I hope for her sake that she made the right move.

Aya??? Are you out there????

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nose wrote:

well i do agree with you that trust,honesty and openess is key to any marriage

They should be nose, but they're not in all cases there. You can try all
you want, if (another if) your spouse does nothing to help nurture the relationship, or on the contrary sabotage your relationship by being dishonest, having affairs, or being abusive, then all your good intentions
are out the window.

Marriage is a wonderful institution and everyone should be institutionalized Laughing

No, seriously, marriage is bliss with the right person and where both
partners have the same values, the same goals and share a love for each
other.

Not every marriage has it though, and if there are too many question marks and dishonesty even before one gets married, what do you think
will happen, after they're married? This person will become all of a
sudden honest and trustworthy? Think again!

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Love is central to marriage and when it starts to fizzle out problems arise.

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nose wrote:

Love is central to marriage and when it starts to fizzle out problems arise.

The problem is, that we don't know to what culture Aya belongs. Love, as the cornerstone of marriage, is a rather recent concept. In some cultures, to this day, marriage is seen more as a business merger than the union of two lovers. In some places, parents decide who should marry whom. In very old fashioned cultures, brides and grooms meet on their wedding day. The wisdom is, that by being together, and living through life's problems, love and caring will grow.

Thankfully, these customs are fast being replaced by the modern idea of marrying for love. But that does not mean that remnants of the old ways are not still around, and have influence in marriage.

I would be very curious as to whether Aya comes from a culture that is still very patriarchial. Whether she does or doesn't, is less important than the fact that she is questioning the right of her boyfriend to refuse to tell her what he is doing for a living. The fact that it is making her uncomfortable is cause for alarm on her part.

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

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The wisdom is, that by being together, and living through life's problems, love and caring will grow.

Nothing happens overnight.Any relationship has to be nurtured and cultivated to fruition through patient love and care along the line sacrifices will be made by those involved.And this helps to cement the relationship better.

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Storybook time for nose.

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I'll say.

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Do you think Aya has questioned him? We haven't heard from her and this big wedding is coming up awfully fast!

I hope she's done the right thing!

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nose wrote:

along the line sacrifices will be made by those involved.And this helps to cement the relationship better.

My arse!

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parados wrote:

There are 3 valid reasons why he can't tell you what he does for a living..
1. He works for the CIA.

Actually, working for the CIA isn't as secretive as it seems. There are a handful of super-deep operatives who have no life other than being a spook, like Jason Bourne, but its not like the movies. I know one particular former-spook who talked about work all the time and no one showed up to his doorstep and silenced him. Most of what the CIA does is paperwork and office stuff.

Marrying in a month BUT torn apart

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