Marrying in a month BUT torn apart

Great advice!

This thread reminds me of a famous quote. Simple but meaningful... "It's better to know where you are going, than to get there quickly." Life has a way of dealing you a helluva sucker punch on your blind side.

Prepare for the worst and expect the unexpected. If things turn out better......awesome!

It seems to me that you need to get to know this man better. There must be some reason he doesn't want you to know what he does for a living.
Aren't you wondering what else you don't know about this person.
Myself I would cancel the wedding plans and find someone else. It's very difficult to believe someone could be that private about their life. When you marry someone it is about sharing your life together.

Agreeing strongly with GW and Brooke!

Nose, i can truly identify with most of what you said. Thanks for the solid advice.

With due respect, I'm starting to get the feeling that none of the people dishing out advices are close or near close to making such decisions (i.e. getting married, etc).

And yes, it is multi-cultural and yes i will post my resolution.

And people please, it was not meant to spiral up some creative imagination to some....this is someone's life and needs to be respected. All the reason as to why i was initially skeptical about writing in initially.

Not true. I was speaking from experience; I married the wrong person 30 years ago. We divorced 25 years ago.

again not true.

married the wrong man for 1 1/2 years, married the right one for about 15 now.

Not true, many of us are older women who have lived through complex lives. I know by reading years of posting all/most of the posters here so far, and none of them are speaking from imaginative creativity. Some have been exposed to physical force from controlling men.

There may well be cultural differences as posters on a2k respond from all over the world. We don't know where you are posting from, Aya. I have been guessing India, but of course I could be wrong by half a world. If it is India, we have several posters on a2k from there who haven't seen this thread yet.

Controlling men have certain tendencies that cross cultural boundaries.

I have been with absolutely the right person for 15 years too. Oddly, both my first wife and my second are called Barbara Jane.

I was flashing a $8,000 engagement ring, my mother had bought her dress, we were about to put a down payment on a house, I had tried on dozens of wedding gowns and thought I knew "the one", we had hired a band and booked the St. Regis hotel in NY. I then realized I had to face the reality that I about to make myself and this man miserable. I had been agonizing for weeks, even as I went through the motions of planning the event. He wasn't a bad guy, he was just the wrong guy. I did exactly what I told you to do. First I told him that I didn't believe we could be successful life partners (for many reasons), and then I pried the ring off and gave it back. I then sent out a letter explaining to everyone involved that I had a change of heart and I apologized for any inconvenience. It wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do. All the cancellations cost a lot of money. His sister and mother called and tried to change my mind. For a little while I went back and forth between regret and relief. He got married to someone else about a year later. Many women have stood in your shoes Aya.

It took me another five years to find the right guy, but I did and we have been happily (for the most part) together for almost 14 years. I went into this marriage with a clear head, no doubts and great joy. By the way, my second wedding was very simple - close friends and family at a country restaurant. It's not too late until you sign the papers.

Aya-I married the wrong man. Had I stayed married to him, we would be celebrating our 50th anniversary next year. I knew that he was wrong for me, but I went through it anyway. He wasn't a bad person. He simply was not the right person for me. I knew it before my wedding day. I knew it on my wedding day.

After 4 1/2 miserable years, and a child later, I got up the courage to divorce him. I later married a man with whom I am very happy. We are married over 40 years.

You have not been A2K for very long. If you had, you would realize that we have many members with a wealth of life experiences. I am very happy when I can help a younger person with the benefit of my experiences. I know that there are many others here who feel the same way.

Count me among the veterans of bad decisions.

I married the wrong man once. I had doubts beforehand, and I should have listened to that inner voice telling me something wasn't right. But I was young...(sigh!)...and sure I could make it work. Five years of misery later, I had learned that all the good intentions, hard work and self-sacrifice in the world are not enough.

I made a much better choice several years later. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this summer.

So you see, Aya, I have been where you are. I was trying to spare you the years of unhappiness I experienced. It would have been very difficult for me to have backed out of the wedding then. But, looking back, not nearly as difficult as going through five years of desperation and a divorce.

joining the "What the hell was I thinking?" contingent. Loud inner voices were warning me off. I didn't listen to them. Round two was a symphony by comparison.

singing....

Love is lovelier....the 2nd time around.....

I was a sucker for the blonde hair and blue eyes. So, it turned out, were my best friend, the guy next door, several guys she worked with, and quite a number of others I have been finding out about since.

I think Aya may be in denial and wishes to convince herself that we are all wrong, because she fears the upheaval of doing what she secretly knows is the right thing.

Aya- I would be very intrigued by the conversations that we might have about this, say around five years from now.

Well, I guess everyone has to make their own mistakes, experience
the pain in order to believe.

Aya will agree with all of you - after she's learned her lesson.

Aya.
I was married at 23, it lasted 9 years, it was a reasonable happy 9 years I thought... my wife then walked out with on of my boat building company partners and the companys money leaving big debts... also took my daughter but left me my son. I met a woman with two children one year later. We lived together for 5 years ( I told her I didn't believe in marriage ) Then my father was dying in hospital and said to me.. " marry that Girl " We went down to the registry office the next day on the way to work and signed a bit of paper to show him, then threw it into the rubbish bin, that was 48 years ago. the only time we august over each other is if one of us is ill, or our children-grandchildren are ill. Has been 48 years of a phnonamal relationship and hoping for a few more.

Sliding in with the others with a past. Only difference is I haven't found the right one for me yet.

That's ok, though. I'm much much happier alone, than I was with my last 2 men, so I'm still a step ahead.

Including the father of "my" son...

Green Witch wrote:
Nose, Aya is not talking about perfection, she is taking about trust and honestly. Her relationship is lacking both and she knows it. You should go back and read the post from Chai about the woman who drowned. I applaud Aya for even seeking out the advice of people to help her navigate this difficult situation.

Let us agree that there is no perfection in man.And this why we have to understand each other and be able to accommodate each others behaviour and mannerism.
Let us also agree that trust and honesty is not and cannot be built in a day.It takes time to trust your fellow and you cannot trust another unless you are in a relationship.
So in marriage you must build trust .It does not come overnight.You must make up your mind that it will work before you go into it,based on some indicators that must be settled first like , do i love the partner? Do i fancy spending the rest of my life with him or her? Is there a future for the union? Can we support each other?,etc.
When these are sorted out then, you move on to the next stage.
Lets not decieve ourselves,marriage does not work on first impression basis.You have to cultivate the habit of living with another soul with a different nature,background and upbringing.Dont forget even children of same mother and father behave differently.
Well, Aya, this is my suggestion,though the choice is yours to make.Go sit your man down and disscuss this issue with him.like i wrote ealier,you have to make him have confidence in you by your actions.Make him tell you what he does not like in you or what annoys him or what he does not like.
Every marriage can work if people put in effort to making it work and this efort must be equall from both partners.