Marrying in a month BUT torn apart

Delay the wedding until you find this stuff out.

If he can't trust you with this information, there really doesn't seem to be enough trust for a viable marriage.

And if it's information that is a deal-breaker, far better that you know now than later.

I'm sure this is obvious advice, and you probably know this too and just need someone impartial giving you a kick in the pants.

Consider the kick administered.

Good luck.

Have you have decided that you can not marry him unless you know what he does for a living?

If so, have you said to him, "I don't feel as though I can marry you, if I don't know what you do for a living."?

If he still won't discuss it, then you have your answer. You can not marry him.

You are marrying a phantom - I would suggest you call off the wedding until you know who this guy really is. I suspect there are a lot of things you don't know about the man, and by marrying him you will find out the hard way. This is not going to end with "happily ever after".

There are 3 valid reasons why he can't tell you what he does for a living..
1. He works for the CIA
2. He sells drugs and out of respect for you doesn't want you to be party to his illegal activity
3. He finds women, marries them, and then runs off with their money.


Of course if he worked for the CIA they would probably give him a cover story to tell you.

I agree with the others. It is possible that he is doing something illegal. I would never begin a marriage not knowing what my future husband did for a living. I would not marry a man who was not honest with me about what he did. Evasiveness is no way to start a marriage.

If it were me, I would "head for the hills".

If you share somebody's life you have a right to know how he gets his living. Maybe he is a criminal. You could end up in jail or killed or if not those things, living an unhappy life. Perhaps he is just ashamed of his job because he thinks it is low status. Like a janitor or something. If you knew you could help him feel proud of himself. Or perhaps he feels that earning money is "man's business" and that you should just cook and have babies and not ask questions. Are you happy with that? But whatever is the truth you don't know because he won't tell you. You say "trust will be lost", but trust was never there, because he does not trust you enough to tell you what he does. If it was me I would either postpone or cancel the wedding until I got some answers. You should not chain yourself to this man for life. Also, let me tell you that people change after the wedding. If you are doubtful now, you will be 10 times more doubtful after the wedding when it may be too late!

It sure sounds odd to me that you don't know him well enough to take a guess at what his job might be. maybe in your culture (which you do not specify) engaged couples do not talk much about work and so on.

You sound young....how old are the two of you?

I would be in the same boat as you. I couldn't handle not knowing what he does for a living. You don't want to get into a marriage to find out that he has some illegal way of living and bring you down with it. You must protect yourself in this situation.

You are worried that he may not TRUST YOU if you start asking around, well it doesn't sound like he TRUSTS YOU if he won't even give you an honest answer about his employment.

If he is hiding things like his employment.....who knows what else he could be hiding. You don't want to go down a road of uncertainty if it could involve you ending up hurt or in trouble.

THINK . . .
HIT MAN
PROFESSIONAL ESCORT
UNDERCOVER WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT OR OTHER
SPY
SLACKER

Find out BEFORE you marry him. He could be placing you in danger.

P.S. What does he do all day?

Aside from the obvious major question of his not telling you how he makes a living, this also is a warning sign -

"Whenever the topic is raised, he wears his defensive t/shirt and the argument often ends ugly."

I doubt I'd marry this fellow anyway, even if what he does for a living is a legal endeavor.

How can you consider marrying someone if you don't know what they do?

Sorry, I can't get beyond that.



I'm w/ sully...he's either a drug dealer or a pimp or something.

Normally, when people are getting married, they discuss things like health insurance, and if one of you is going on the others plan.

Does he even have insurance?

Does he regularly go someplace to work?

Hello there and welcome...
I wouldn't trust this guy with my lunch!! i don't know how he managed to keep this secret from you for a whole year! But... either he tells you or you need to get out. You say that you guys have a great relationship, so even if he was a janitor or something then he wouldn't be getting defensive about you asking what he does for a living.
You could try "reading" his friends; dropping an ear when he answers his phone; etc. If its all hush hush and cloak and dagger>>> RUN...
As said before by parados: If he works for the CIA or any government agency, they would have at least given him a cover story!!! Sounds cagey to me! What could be so bad a job that he wont even trust his future wife with?
This guy is hiding something!

Cancel the marriage while you still have your own life! You asked the question because you have doubts. You are right! He is not the man for you. The man for you will be one who tells you everything about himself freely because he loves you. This man does not love you, even if he says he does. You say he treats you like a "princess". That is a danger sign. A sign that he thinks you are his pretty, stupid toy.

Thanks but aint that easy
I appreciate the advices, i think most of the comment are very VALID and i will certainly ponder over them. i have questions in my subsconsciously i wont lie, otherwise i wouldnt have posted this.

What is a bother for me to is that he said, he doesnt do drugs, is no murderer and would never do something that would damage his name or family name, but what he said is that he would never let an opportunity pass him, if could - to make business, as in - he could just sell anything to get money. The main issue is that he is often working from home, as in wouldnt set off for work

Also - he has disclosed a lot regarding his past life which if he was hiding stuff would probably not come as close to what he has disclosed.

Chao ask a question why i would get into this without knowing a person fully...this may be sheer madness but i didnt agree to marry him purely cos i was so inlove or lustful,i am very strong religiously and i feel convicted that despite what he might be or what he may have been - we have been made to meet for a divine purpose and i feel that God would not lead me this far to leave me ---- does someone comprehend what i'm saying or am i talking Greek?

Also - i have good info on his family and they are quite a good solid family,a lot of wealth which he aint interested in and hence has been living his life.

Him treating me like a princess -- the age gap is about 10 years...so i think the older a man is, the more of that u'd feel --- maybe wrong?

One person said: then i should tell him, i wont marry him unless he tells me explicitly what he does - PROBLEM is,he is the kind of person who doesnt like to be threatened,so that line wont work more like that will be a GOOD BYE - not cos he doesnt love me, but cos he doesnt believe in being pushed.

I know i am defending him and at the same time, i know half of the things u said, my other pressure is:so much has gone into the preps, how do i tell the lots invited that the wedding is called off...some relatives travelling from all over the world for the wedding.....

I really need some prayers......i dont know if my strength can sustain me NOW.....

Aya- Think of what you are saying. You are willing to go into a marriage of which you are very unsure.............because you don't want to inconvenience the guests. Would you rather make yourself miserable for the rest of your life?



Honestly? I think that you are talking like a romantic kid. Marriage is a process. It has to develop over time. If the bedrock of the union is not solid, you will be building something on a very shaky foundation.



Really! He doesn't believe in being "pushed". I don't think telling your fiancee what you do for a living is being pushed. If he is so adamant on this issue, you can bet your bottom dollar that any time that he wants something his way, he will intimidate you to follow along, because he does not like to be "pushed".

Do you really want to live that way? I would suspect that being married to him, you would not have a marriage of equals, but a union where he sets out all the rules. Is this what you want? If so, marry him. If you have any respect for yourself though, you would think long and hard before you made a commitment to this controlling man.

Re: Thanks but aint that easy


Wow have I heard this before. I used to volunteer at shelter a for abused women and the one think I heard over and over was - "...but God put us together so I thought I had to make it work", "I believed God wanted me to help this man and that's why I a stayed, even though he tried to kill me", "Why did God arrange for us to meet if it would come to this" (usually stated by a woman who was black and blue)etc., etc. I've got news for you sister, God gave you a brain so you could make your own decisions, he's not pulling your strings.



You don't need prayers, you need a reality check.

Oh! So that's OK then! He doesn't murder people! (he really said that?) You wrote that with a straight face! Boy are you in for a bad life if you marry this guy. Maybe you have friends or relatives far away you can go and visit?

Aya, I think the question you have to ask yourself is:
"Why isn't he telling me?"

Most men identify with their work- they either love it, or hate it, or tolerate it, but they don't hide it.

Aya--

As a little girl, did you ever read Bluebeard?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bluebeard

Fairy stories are usually--on some level--grounded in reality.

Re: Thanks but aint that easy



This reminds me of the old joke...

A woman hears on TV a flood is going to be coming directly through her town. She says "God will save me".
Her neighbors come buy and tell her to come with them during the evacuation. She says "No, I won't go with you, God will save me"
The police come by with bullhorns, telling her it's time to leave. She says "I won't go, God will save me"
The flood comes, rising through the house. She climbs out a window and out onto the roof.
A helicopter comes by with a lowered ladder, the rescuers yelling "Get in!"
She says "No, God will save me"

The water continued to rise, and she drowned.

She went to heaven, and was met by God.

"God" she said, "I've always had faith in you, why didn't you come and save me?"

God said "I sent your neighbors, the police and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

-------

Do you think God is going to appear and tell you what this divine purpose is?
Or, do you think he works through people.

Signs are not ususally accompanied by thunder and bolts of lightening.

They come from the words of others.