Marrying in a month BUT torn apart

Yup, I was just about to say that Phoenix!

Thanks for asking, I actually do have a family and yes they asked but ofcourse he had an answer just as much as am not appearing smart at the moment, my lil brain tells me whatever he told my family and everyone is a cover story.........

And his friends would know purely because they've bn in his life longer.

Afraid of him? Dont think so....never thought i did. Was just afraid to lose him i guess.....but fears aside NOW gotta do what i gotta do......

Aya- Good for you, girl!

Thanks for answering some unanswered questions and I wish you the very best :-D

Well that is good Aya.....you've got to stop kidding yourself with a lot of things.

His friends know what he does purely becasue they've been in his life longer? Soooo....why doesn't he marry them?
Plus, that is just really strange. You have to know someone a certain length of time to tell them what you do? You don't tell the person you're going to marry and have a family with what you do?

I gotta be honest Aya...it's hard for me to believe your entire family has let it slide, and believe his "I'm acting stupid" act.

For some more "God sending his message through people" I'd like to throw out a question to all the married, and unmarried ladies here....(Men can answer too, as father figures)....

Ladies...if you were thinking of marrying a man, and your father/mother asked him "so, what do you do for a living?" and didn't get a straight answer, what would your father/mother do?

Gentlemen....if your daughter was thinking of marrying someone, and you asked the man "so, what do you do for a living?" and didn't get a straight answer, what would you do?

They would tell me something was very wrong with him being so secretive about his job and would show concern for my well being.

Point taken.......

Whatever happens i will post the resolution

Thanks Aya and best of luck to you!

Yes, Indeed...Good Luck!

Aya--

Courage.

You'll earn yourself a happy ending.

I didn't get past page two. The advice is virtually consistent and valid. You asked for it and you got it. This man seems to be one who has no trust. That is enough for you to run for the hills. It may even be that his work is legal but that he's ashamed of it, e.g., garbage collector (which is really an admirable and honest job). If he can't trust you to accept him anyway, that's too much insecurity to make a permanent relationship. Listen to Osso and Phoenix.

Aya... on reading through your posts again, I am having doubts to you being completely honest to us... I sincerely hope not.

anton- I know what you mean. Over time being on A2K, I have taken the attitude that unless something is obviously untrue, I will accept everything at face value. Even if a particular poster is not being truthful to us, the problem may relate to another person, so our answers can still be helpful.

Another thing is that old "blind men and the elephant" deal. Everyone sees things differently. Since we can only get the story as the poster perceives it, we really don't have any well rounded information.

So...........I do the best that I can, and am gratified when my words have given someone some help, solace, or encouragement.

I only read page one and two, I find it absolutely astonishing that a woman could consider marrying someone she doesn't even know.

Well.....i understand where you are all coming from.I have given the shorter version of the problem and i doubt the diagnosis would have been any different even if i had gone long.Bottom line is some of you have really given solid advice which i have weighted and now need to suck up courage to deal with whatever happens after.

Because the truth is i love him, and another truth is, if i stop the wedding - i may have regrets for the rest of my life and "What ifs" and if i marry him - i most certainly may have bigger regrets and what ifs. Overall whatever decision i make based on every advice i have received from the forum,family and friends, I NEED to be able to LIVE WITH.

So....people, it aint eezy but like i said before BUT do-able.

So sorry some people think i have so much time as to write lies....if only you knew it was my first attempt at this as i never trust sites cos you could be getting advice from people who absolutely arent really interested in your well being but in merely dishing out some fancy words and passing time. BUT i did think most of the advice i got was valid and for that I THANK everyone who was sincerely trying to help me.

God Bless

I am thinking this is a HUGE cultural thing going on. There are some societies where the woman does NOT ask what the man does. She is expected to shut up and be subserviant, or ignorant on certain issues.

She said there were relative coming in from all around the world. This makes me think that she is dealing with some male cultural traditions.

Ask her mother in law. That will answer the entire question.

Anyway, good luck!!

[quote="Aya"]So sorry some people think i have so much time as to write lies....[/quote]

Writing lies usually does not take longer than writing the truth!

(notimplyingthatyouwerethough...)

RE: One month to marriage but....
Dear Aya,
i feel your pains about the situation you are in and i must tell you that all hope about marrying the one you say you love dearly may not be lost only if you will determine to be patient and take time to find out things for yourself.
I want you to know that courting for long or short time has no bearing in fully understanding the partner's way of life.This is due to the simple reason that many people do not open up to the partner at this period for fear of being thown out if any lapse is discovered during the courtship period.
Good that you now know that your man does not like revealing himself going by your comment that he is a closed man even to his people.Knowing this gives you an edge.All you need do then is to understand with him that it is his nature ( though not good for marriage)To make him open up then you must pamper him and make him have confidence in you.And in doing this you must mind the way you communicate with him ( the kind of words you speak to him).He might have been offended by your harsh words without you knowing it.Make him feel happy when he is with you.He may not have confidence in passing some info to you.Thats why you need to watch how you too talk about him to others.
I dont think there is a crime making inquiries about your man from his friends and family members.You have a right to know and have informations on the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.Since he has not told you how he earns his living himself,getting the information from other sources is valid and has nothing to do with trust.So go ahead and ask questions and more questions.

Sullyfish66,
i agree with you that in some cultures it is the duty of the woman to be subservient.But i think you will also agree with me that such things are gradually being dropped as it does not gel any longer with present day realities.It is expected that the man and woman will both agree on issues based on superior reasons.
Aya, you appear to be spiritually inclined and i do believe you have prayed over the issue.Yet you need to know the direction God is leading you.You cannot have a perfect start.
My advice based on what your man have said to you is that you go ahead in faith. You need to have a positive mind to achieve a positive result. Believe in your mind that your mariage will work and give it your all.

Nose, Aya is not talking about perfection, she is taking about trust and honestly. Her relationship is lacking both and she knows it. You should go back and read the post from Chai about the woman who drowned. I applaud Aya for even seeking out the advice of people to help her navigate this difficult situation.



Nose, Whose harem are you posting from? Do you really think all it takes is a spiritual belief that your marriage will work for it to work? I can introduce you to dozens of divorced, stalked and abused women who went into marriages believing it was God's will and therefore they could make it a successful union. Unfortunately, God forgot to tell their husbands how to behave.

Aya, I'm glad you're rethinking this. I would suggest you write a letter to all your guests apologizing for any inconvenience and explaining you do not feel ready for this marriage. Maybe everyone can treat the event as big party or family reunion and just skip the ceremony and the white dress.
PS - Be prepared for your fiancee to get violent when you tell him. I suggest you bring a friend or family member with you as support.