I’m not making myself clear ... of course, that’s not anyone else’s fault – it’s the words I’m not saying.
You see, this is not about me versus them... this is all and has always been about R and what is best for him
yes, they piss me off, but my fight is for what I believe R's needs are
SS don't dispute his needs, in fact, no-one does - but each time a new social worker takes over we go back a few years... and then the years catch up to when he becomes 18 - a new social worker who doesn't understand what she's up against - in the "understanding" level... and...we revert back to the lack of trust - from R and the knowledge that I have tried to fight for him - which he believes - he sees the emails now
I don’t know how to say the words without breaking – which is where I am now
i know... boo hoo
just walk away and he'll have to do it himself
BUT HE CAN'T!
He cannot write what his disabilities are - that's his mother's job - he can't say a lot of things - and hasn't for a long time but... he knows I've not been wrong too often about what he's feeling or getting people (on the ground, his carers, not management) to listen to what he was saying silently...
well anyway, there's no point in any of that anymore - all but one is gone and a new SW who knows jack about him
I posted exactly what the social worker said because what she said is correct.
Her reasons are “the law” – the specifics that is – a lot of the content of her email is incorrect – but that’s because she doesn’t know R and admits that
No-one has been in his life as long as I have and no-one knows him like I do – you may think me deluded there but that’s OK because I know it - not that I'm deluded, but that I know him
What I also know is that R’s insistence on being his appointee is because he knows that I will fight for him, that tho he despises me, he despises them more
he trusts me more and trusts them less – which is not much really because he does not trust the person who signed him into care so imagine how he feels about them
The damage done to him, and the further damage to his psyche at being in the system became more damaged because of his lack of understanding and responsibility – but when a child self harms from an early age – it’s a tough call for a parent to blame the child when they've cut themselves up
It may all be “the past” and life moves on – but not in R’s world – that hurt is as much now as it was then – when we placed him in care I told him I would never leave him – but he didn’t leave care, did he because... he was who he was - so in his mind I left him
He’s now in a bigger body – he wants to be “the same” as others – and is in many ways, but isn’t in many ways – he wants to be independent but wants someone to take care of things because he cannot comprehend a lot of things
He cannot talk to me because he has too much hurt and anger – I understand that – I wish I could explain it in words, but it makes no difference – I understand why he won’t talk to me and that's all that's important... I accept that, but no-one else seems to be able to or wants to try and understand why he won't
"talk to her" they say - he'd prolly rather hurt himself again than talk to me - which is in effect what he will do, not with a knife this time, but with making life a lot more difficult for himself
As much as I accept he won't talk with me, is just the same as I understand why he won’t trust anyone else to help him and why he wishes me to remain appointee
It matters not what I feel, it doesn't – I wish to do right by HIM – I want to help him because that’s what he wishes – but I do understand he can’t talk to me
Social Services are right – I am “legally” in the way and useless because unless I can get the info, and as SS won’t be the middle man, he cannot apply for benefits
therefore, he's up the proverbial creek
Believe me, I have spoken for about 4 hours today with various agencies (housing, ESA, DLA, including the Office Of The Public Guardian and a legal bureau... I am told this is unprecedented – exactly what the “Child Lawyer” and “NCAS” told me ... what, last year, the year before – I can’t remember
I do not have legal stature as appointee – it is an “personal agreement” – I don’t make decisions nor do I have access to his bank accounts etc... (it's not like having a POA) - I do paperwork, I push SS into doing what they are supposed to before he became an adult – which was fine (not that it did any good really) - THEN he turned 18 – now, if I am his appointee – he has to “talk” to me – he has “mental capacity” – therefore I don’t make decisions for him ... I cannot be appointee without communication with him. LEGAL END OF.
I cannot be an appointee if he will not communicate
He cannot communicate with me
SS will not be the middle man
R will not trust anyone else (well........again, words I can’t say)
He doesn’t need a lawyer
He doesn’t need protecting
He needs forms filled in which are too complex for him
(He can't even meet other people without his support worker in tow to prompt him with what he needs to say - R will glaze over)
(Who would believe how good he is at rapping a?)
Others cannot do that for him because I am his appointee
He wants me to be his appointee
He cannot communicate with me
SS will not be the middle man
and so it continues
Catch 22
Not one agency that I have spoken with today has dealt with this before
If R has “mental capacity” – which he does – he can make decisions and they have to be supported
If he can’t communicate with me, cannot fill in the forms himself and will not trust anyone else because he insists I remain his appointee and therefore legally they cannot take him to the JobCentreplus and have the forms filled in – then he will not be able to apply for benefits
CATCH 22
Which says between the lines and what SS are saying... I should relinquish being his appointee as they will not be a third party conversation
But what you don’t see... and what he won’t understand but will feel and believe – is if I do that – again, what I am doing, is leaving him in the system – this time, on his own
And again – for his best interests – just like before
Of course I realise that many will think that because he won’t talk to me, I should leave him to get on with it....... it’s not that simple
Leaving him to get on with it will make his life so very much more difficult
I don't know peoples circumstances here - but can anyone imagine their child doing what R is doing, with autism or whatever, at 18, on his own, without family input and various strangers in and out of his life every few months declaring they will help him and he should "trust them", and when he has a family who desperately love him and wish him to be part of our lives.
It's ******* hell - for all of us
Emotionally, it will damage him further
It won’t make him grow up, or talk nice with his Mom or any of those “tough love” things that we do with our kids
He doesn’t need a lawyer – I don’t need a lawyer
SS summed it up without realising it – she was too mad at me and is new to R so would not have realised what she was saying - but it's been said often enough, in different forms
What he was saying, what she wrote to me, and what I already know, is R wants to be back to when this started for him... when he was 11
When he had a family
When he believed I wouldn’t leave him
And now the tears... if I could do that... I would do it all differently
But as we can’t turn back time – it’s not possible to make R feel better or not to be the person he finds himself to be today
So I have to do that to him again in order for him to be able to live and be financed – I have to go against his wishes and not be his appointee
The question to him would be:
“What is the worst scenario for you R? – to let SS take you to the agency and have these forms filled in and live independently OR to talk to your mother?
I know the answer.
So does everyone else.
He may not be able to do either.
The Legal Bureau gave me the name of some lawyers in London – they advised me that this would be unprecedented – insisting on an appointee who you will not communicate with. I could try and get a lawyer to represent me to force SS to act as his middle man due to exceptional circumstances ... but then you never beat the system, do you, especially in just a few weeks!
All because I wish to abide by R’s wishes...
Believe me again, if I never spoke to Social Services again, it would be a blessing - telling them all the time that they know more about him than I do if ******* soul destryoing - but it doesn't stop me hearing about him or following things up or anything - do what needs to be done and hopefully it can turn around for R - that's why I talk to them - not because I want to or want to score points... there is not score - they won when they wouldnt help us when he younger.
Now, I want to abide by his wishes, he's asking me to help (that doesn't happen too often a?) and this is a biggie - don't talk to me, just get things sorted and don't leave me on my own in this system
But then I never did before, abide by his wishes, all the times he begged me to take him out of care – this is no different. I will have to do what SS want me to... and relinquish being his appointee. He will then be able (or not) to apply for benefits.
It will come at a high price for both of us emotionally.
But I don’t expect to make myself understood on that part.
None of this is about me versus them – the system beat me a long time ago. If he would engage with someone who was ‘able’ to act for him – I would do it in a heartbeat and know he was better off for it – because then I would know that he was starting to heal from the hurt, that he was taking responsibility for where he is and what he does and what he wants from life. The less he will engage, the more he insists I do it – the more I realise how little his perception of “why” has changed since he was very young.
There's no-one in his life at all who can explain why.
His support worker will see him tomorrow morning – he has tried so hard to get R to engage with me... he describes R’s reaction in detail – it’s breaking Matt’s heart too – I think he is likely to walk away before too much longer – he can’t get through to R and ... its just too hard.
His Social worker will see him tomorrow – so I will do nothing tomorrow until I hear what happens with her.
Perhaps, after seeing what I have completed on the forms, she may decide that getting R to fill in some basic details is not too much to ask really – but, I have a feeling SS will push him now and literally “lay down the law” – we’ll see.
It’ s not easy to try and do what you think is right, when you have no idea about your child’s life except what others tell you, yet the only person he wishes to entrust to get things sorted is the person he has no contact with.
Of course, I have thought of the “payback” version of events in that if I do fill in anything – and something goes wrong, it will be my fault inasmuch as if I don’t fill in anything, and something goes wrong, it will also be my fault.
There maybe an element of that going on – his not taking responsibility
But it goes a lot, lot deeper than that.
There has been no normality in his life for a long time, no education, little outside world... and now... there’s a lot to face and he doesn’t have the ability or know-how to do it – more than that tho – it has to get done – but I will have to go against his wishes, again – else, nothing will happen other than he will be homeless, damaged and homeless.
If I do what is best for him legally and financially, I have to relinquish.
If I do what is best for him emotionally knowing that if I relinquish I am going to damage him more in his head - then I am shite.
......................................................................................................................................................
tired, need to focus on Sboy hospital visit tomorrow - 'nother long day.
gone.
sorry if no-one gets it... just talkin'
