On the edge and toppling off....

Oh, Iz-. Just read up on the thread. I hope things are going better now. I'm thinking about you. Hope you're getting a good sleep in right now. (((Iz-)))

Ah Izzie... {{{hugs}}}... what a life we lead, eh? or a, as you would say.

Lots of peaceful, serene and warm thoughts going out to you. You're doing what you can, so feel good about that. Poor R! What a state to be in. How's the Little Fella?

How I was diverted from my mountain

Summer of 1981, 1 credit short of graduating with a degree in environmental science. Lead hand of an environmental assessment crew working for the government through a grant to the university. Ready to take on that permanent job with the Ministry that had been offered. Yes, that job. The one everyone wanted. Walking through a corn field toward a woodlot. Boom. Down. Out. Crew took me to hospital. Lots of stuff messed up. End up with eye drops, ear drops, 2x nasal stuff, buncha pills and potions and a warning from the doc.

"you can't do this anymore"

I had been a couple of hours from losing the vision in my right eye due to swelling/pressure on the optic nerve.

In comparison to some mountains, the mountain I lost wasn't big, but it was the mountain I'd fought my way to the foot of and I wanted to get to the top.

Switched paths.

Still wish I'd made it to the top of the mountain, but some of the other paths have been spectacular.

Bethie... thanku for letting me know - perspective and understanding - I'm glad you had crew around when you needed help - physically and mentally - must have been very scary. I'm sorry - but glad you have found spectacular too. I have too - I know that. I see spectacular every day.

Mountains are all relative - the biggest mountain may be a molehill - but it's just as hard to climb. Even blind, a mole can make it look easy - but it can be hard work even when you see where you're going but there's something that stops you - and no matter how much you "will" it not to be there, you will never get to the top. Gotta find a path around mine right now...

you completely understand what I'm trying to comprehend right now, don't you?

I know I need to talk - I guess it should be here tho I'm no longer toppling off anymore and I wouldn‘t wish anyone to think that anything is bad, because it really isn‘t, quite the opposite, I feel good, life is good - I don't think I will topple again - too many folks have given me excellent perspective and shown me what I've achieved already - in just over a year - but I have to come to terms with my figurative mountain and I'm not sure I know how to.

I should be talking over here - Noddy would be slapping my wrist at the steel trap I've got going on. If I could say it out loud and spit it out - I'd be loosening the grip, and in so doing, getting a grip.

“Stupid woman - just get on with it" I hear. Get out the bubble and quit complaining. Well, I‘m not complaining, I‘m musing. Problem is - the bubble is the easy life - it’s easy just to sit still and be contented and that’s where I’m at. Carry on doing what I’m doing - easy job, lovely house, perfect little river, roses round the door - who could wish for more …………….medical appts every month, living on pain pills, feeling less than something I wanna be blah blah blah.

That should be fine, shouldn’t it - all the easy things? But I don’t even want to leave the house and meet people HERE. I want to get on plane and meet people away from HERE….. Anywhere, but here.

Life is good now - it's not just good - it's wonderful as in where I am and what I have, except the health and my son (who I have seen for 5 minutes this year) is not with me (and spends his time with my mother and at Pam’s house). I love this house (heck, it needs a lot doing to it to make my mark on it as I haven’t done anything to it since I moved here), love the garden, love the moors, love the green, so much to love about being here. But I could leave it all tomorrow.

In a moment I could turn it all around and up and leave because.... why.... I have to divert onto a path which is leading me to......... I don't know where, or how, and if I sit still here "accepting"....then what is left of the mountain. That's where the steel trap closes tighter, realising that tho I love my "location" - I've got the "sherpa's" from the previous mountains who keep reminding me that I never got to that mountain - so, "sit in yer tent at the base and shutup". I don't want to shutup - I don't want to give up and sit here. I can’t say it out loud here without them saying “she’s mad” or making others feel that they have done something wrong. And if I up and go - how will I do that with my health with a little boy to look out for - that‘s totally irresponsible. How? That might not make sense.

The answer is to find what mountain to crack here and realise it and accept it BUT I DON‘T WANT TO. The consultant wants me to talk to some “dynamic” people who are involved in a medical association who he thinks can help me “come to terms” and to guide me onto what is achieveable. I don’t want my medical stuff to stop me doing things - but I have little energy at times to fight it. I am self motivated, I believe, but I am lacking patience at the moment at not being able to do the things I want to. So I push myself - and then suffer it physically the next day. If I don’t push myself - I suffer it mentally. Gotta find the balance. It’s not like I’m really sick or anything like that - I’m not. I just have crap cells in my body which eat my bones. Not that serious - just a bloody nuisance. I am so very lucky all things considered - I am blessed with I have here - it’s beautiful - I have so much good here - but here, I won’t step outside the door. That’s sh!te! I could get on a plane and travel anywhere and meet anyone - no worries - but I won’t go into my home town or go out and meet people here in Devon. Rubbish a? Just rubbish.

So, it might not be here - where the little fella and I end up. I may have to leave here to get away from the past - or so I tell myself - but then health is the problem - I mean, in the UK there is a NHS system. I know if I didn't have this nuisance disease - that I would not be in this country. I know that. Then again, if I didn't have the health record I have, my life would be completely different anyhoo.

There's a part of me ready to do that - to go. I've talked to FQ,Tulip and Pam about it - I've said it to a few folk quietly. Could I really do it? Could I leave everything and everyone here? Yep..... I could. That's awful isn't it. Could I take the little fella away with me and therefore he wouldn't see his Dad as much? Well, that's a big hold on me there. The BigBoy would not care either way as far as I‘m concerned tho he would not want his brother to leave. Just because it may be "what I want" - is it right for the little fella? Yes and No. Is this really where I want to be for the rest of my life? Sitting and waiting for operations and all that, time passing by so quickly. No. Yet it could be wonderful here. You see, I could do what I do anywhere, I could go anywhere. I enjoy my solitude - really - I enjoy not having to be “anyone” - I quite enjoy the bubble - I don’t need to go out and be around people all the time or do the things that others seem to do to enjoy my life, or what makes me tick. Maybe I am a recluse. Whatever I am inside, feels good tho - it doesn’t feel bad. I don’t feel “under achieved” or anything like that at the moment - I just feel frustrated with what I seem unable to do physically. I’m not sad or unbearably lonely or any of that. My friends will always be my friends, I know where they are, I know they are there for me and I’m there for them.


Strange - at the start of this thread many moons back I talked about my son's masking skills - ha - chip of the 'ole block a?

That's where the consultant says I need to figure out what mountain I can realistically achieve. Realise and accept my capabilities with what I have healthwise. I'm not ambitious like FQ and some of the folk I know, I don't have any leanings towards power, designer clothes, flashy cars, heaps of dosh - I don't need a flashy job or care about any of that stuff - I have everything I need really - actually, I just like a simple life, I’m happy talking to people, I don’t need all that other stuff - I'm not driven by any of those things - I'm driven by what I feel inside. Ack - can't explain. I can't seem to get the simple with the people here in my life.



Whatever life deals us - you find another mountain - the view from the top may not be the same - not quite as pretty or - it may not be the image we create or how we viewed life to be - but...it is what it is.


as the saying goes - don't make a mountain out of a molehill - ha - a molehill is about all I can manage.

I’m no better than anyone else. I’m not some super duper person. My problems are no greater or less than anyone elses. Well, actually, that’s not true, my problems are a lot less that many peoples. I do realise that at the very least. I’m just a regular person who wants to get as much out of life as I can - but feel trapped at the moment because physically I can’t do it and mentally I don’t want to be doing it here - yet I love it here. In fact, I’m terribly selfish by wanting more - not money or any of that sort of stuff - just I want to be able to do more with my life. The consultant thinks that is where I need to talk to people who have that dynamic input - to show me a way to achieve things that physically my body won’t permit, what my mountain will be. Mind over matter is a great thing - but sometimes not even the mind can stop the “pain”. A new regime of drugs - NSAIDS may be the answer - less morphine which actually causes “pain” too (tho I didn’t know that) - tho after 3 ulcers taking NSAIDS again worries me. Gotta give it a go tho. I have so many positives in my life…… so so many - I need to focus on how to get those positives into a forward plan because sitting and waiting for it to happen - to me is not the answer. I’m tired of waiting - but just don’t know how to do it when many steps forward are a “physical” pain.


Now…. I intended on writing “thanku Beth” and all this baloney has come up. I have kept back 2 paragraphs I still can’t say out loud about reasons for not wishing to be here too, not the complete picture - but I’m getting there with what‘s going on ‘upstairs‘ and how I need to find some direction.

S-boy came in just now - he said “is there anything I can help you with Mom - you are mind “bottling” - I smiled and said the expression is mind boggling and that I just needed to get some of my thoughts onto paper - he said “no Mom - it’s not a “boggle” - you have a lot of thoughts trapped in a bottle in your mind and they can’t get out. He’s so me.

I have a spinning bottle.

You left yourself wide open on that one Iz...I will let Dutchy or Try take care of that "spinning the bottle" thing!

I hear you hun. I had a friend who, a few years ago had so much piled on her. Her father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer of the liver, they moved to town and she had to get her upstairs finished and refurbished because they decided to have them come live with them. Her mother-in-law and she did not get along, Grandmother gave the kids whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it, which made the household maddening for my friend. Her life was not her own. She walked on egg shells and sat and tried to be patient while her father-in-law slowly died - two years passed and he passed away there in her house. It was a hard time...she felt guilty for being frustrated and yet, her struggles were very real and very burdensome...the guilt adding that much more to it.

I in the mean-time was going through my normal fits of depression. We went to get coffee one morning and I said to her," I don't think I should be saying all of this - it is nothing compared to what you have been going through." She said, and whether it was true or not - it was still comforting, "The difficulty of someone elses life does not lighten the load of yours, it is still hard, but God gives us grace to deal with each day, each moment as it comes, no matter how big or small the problem."

Now, I know many don't believe in God. But that has been the one thing that has always brought me back to my sure ground. Things get wobbly sometimes. I get insecure and I focus on my problems but every once in a while in tiny moments of sanity - I know that I can deal with each moment, even when each moment is difficult. Sometimes, in my own moments of wallering in misery (which truly are not very miserable - but I have a tendency toward the dramatic) I think I cannot take one more step - but miraculously, I do. I have things I read that are deeply soul satisfying and offer me a shelter from the things that horrify me. Psalm 46 has always been a comfort - "God is my refuge and strength an ever present help in trouble, therefore I will not fear, though the earth give way - and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Just reading that seems to end the uncertainty I feel. And I can move on. For a little while anyway.

Friends and family are a blessing. If you can find a true friend who will in moments of supreme misery lay everything down and listen, then you have found a friend indeed. I do believe you have those Izzie. But I too know about " the bubble". When I struggle with depression, I generally tend to cut myself off from people. It is a defense mechanism of sorts. I hate letting people know how much I really struggle with it. So, I just take myself out of their way until things get back to "normal" (whatever that means - I don't really know - haven't recognized normal for quite some time!)

As far as you wanting more. You are not so very different from others. Although, what I see that differentiates you is an amazing tenacity that seems to buoy you up and allows you to see the beauty in every little thing. You have serious spiritual eyes that allow you to see beyond the surface to the detail of a thing. I would love to see through your eyes, Izzie. And you give me that ability through your pictures. I love the notes that you put with your pictures, because without them I would not see what you see. When you say it, I am in awe of what you have revealed in one tiny group of words. Thank you for that!

Mountains and molehills...all a struggle depending on where you are. My advice to myself lately has been, do the thing that is set before me for the moment, move on to the next and do that, be patient and before long I am looking down from the peak...I get to enjoy it for but a moment and the descent comes too quickly - but the memory of the high point carries me for quite a while. Then it is moment by moment once again. It's so cyclical.

Just know this Izzie...though I know your life is full of things that are hard to deal with at the time...even though you try to blow them off and make light of them...I know they are hard - I am constantly amazed at how you manage to put such an airy spin on things that would sink me...but in the middle of your troubles - you manage to help and give hope to so many. Your stick-tuitiveness is an encouragement in and of itself - and you look into the future and do not allow what others say to define your path. THIS IS GOOD STUFF - thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU! There is no doubt in my mind you will find YOUR mountain and successfully climb it. I have hope for you and your boys.

Love you girl...really I do.

Bethie, You too are a wonder - love your zest for life. Would not know the struggles you have had because of your amazing positivity! I love that you appreciate life for what it is right now. That too is a good lesson. Thank you for sharing it.

Izzie, you are a wonder because of all the people on A2K, you are the one who is most likely to consistently lift my spirits, make me appreciate the goodness in the world, make me feel like I'm not a nothing that doesn't matter nor a pariah that everybody just wants to go away. Yet, in spite of all that positivity, there you are struggling with demons--mental, emotional, physical, stuff beyond your control--that plague you as we all apparently do. The rain truly falls on the just and unjust alike.

I look at my life with an alcoholic mother, a father who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive, numerous addictions, some incarcerations (due to addictions), and general other assorted wierdness among my and my hubby's families and close friends despite so many being salt of the earth, god fearing, honorable, hard working people. Dealing with aging or ailing relatives, births, deaths, hubby's cancer, various other assorted infirmities that beset us all while still trying to earn a living and hold it all together puts us all in a position that our lives cannot be stress free even seemingly for a little while.

And yet as you say, life is good. And not good. And that's the way it is. A geographic solution can indeed make a difference, but so often we just bring the demons along with us. But not always. Not a decision to be made lightly but certainly an option, nevertheless.

eBeth, I think of you differently knowing something of your own demons you have had to deal with.

Mismi, you are like Izzie, affirming and encouraging and one who invariably brightens my day and I thank you and those like you. Thank you for sharing your witness to your faith, too. I think without a very real and loving presence of God, I would have thrown in the towel long ago.

And here we are. I look at my life and am grateful that I can still function and laugh and look forward to pleasurable things. I have a roof over my head, more than enough to eat, people who love me and need me. As Izzie said, life is good. And not good. All in all it isn't too bad.

Here's one person who made the best of a bad situation. Re a Italian quake victim:

My goodness, haven't seen yabber on this thread for ages! Kinda missed it.
Just wanna say, "good on ya, Beth-ie!" Always knew you were a super woman. Now I know a bit of your story. Thanks for sharing it. You really rock!

And our own Izzie. I've missed you and a2k for that matter! Obviously you needed to get some stuff out! Glad you did. I think you are a super fab person as well. You've been through so much, and yet you keep on keepin' on. Recluse or not, we're here for you and you've got your friends there. You are much loved, my friend. And that goes for me too. (((hugs)))

Good to see you, Mis-! How are things in your world? Love you too!
And thank you for sharing too, Fox-. I don't know you that well, but look forward to it.

I'm thinkin' about you all, and doing some praying as well (whether you like it or not!) Hugs all round.

Thank y'all for being so open with me and listening to me ramble for a bit. I'm still musing - thinking things thru, hearing y'all - and need to muse a little more before I write anything else that's a little frayed.

I'm feeling very strong, almost like I am have some control back in my life, seeing things differently to how I saw them. What I see is good and no matter how frustrated I feel about things out of my control, I still see a world of good and feel very blessed right now. Yes, life is more than good - it's a privilege to be here.

Something........... I don't know what it is............ something keeps me going strong. I don't know if it's faith - I don't know what I believe in - I believe in "something".... because something is there that gives me the power to step forward. It's hope.... that's what it is...... there's hope. I used to feel 'hopeless' - I don't feel that hopelessness or helplessness anymore.

I need not to make decisions. I still have so much to say - but I can't right now. I do have hope tho. I won't topple over - nope, nope, nope. It's not even an option any more. Life is too sweet.

Thanku each and everyone. Everything you have all spoken, I've heard - you all really don't know how much you mean to me - you do mean the world.





<((((Dev)))) - great to see you gal >


Think Bethie must have been channeling Maria D'Antuono

aren't knitters just the best!

always best to tie up the loose ends... whether climbing a mountain or waiting to be rescued from under one...




even these boys seem to know what's what!




knitters are indeed the verra best!

Hi ehBeth, Izzie, Mismi, Foxfyre and Dev, what truly remarkable stories each one of you have written down here, all straight from the heart. Your resilience absolutely staggers me, overcoming your physical and mental problems as you do is nothing short of amazing. Ladies I salute you, I'm so honoured to know you and dearly hope each one of you may find peace within yourselves as time goes by. ((((All of you))))

I feel honored to know you as well, my friend, Dutchy.

What exactly are you saying Dutchy? Mental Problems? for pete's sake.
((Dutchy)) Thank you - you are a sweety.

I know Dutchy is not saying I am a mental case...or any of us...I can't resist teasing him - but I don't want ANYONE to mistake my teasing for being really upset. I think the world of Dutchy and would never really think he meant anything unkind - ever!

just so y'all know.

just heard an interview with Ms. D'Antuono on the radio - quite the lively character - wanted a comb if they were going to be putting her on television

I don't think anybody mistook your loving teasing as anything else Mismi. I think we all see Dutchy as his own little ray of sunshine in a sometimes big, cold, scary world. And it is those rays of sunshine that I think keep us all sane. Or at least sane-er. (Is that a word?)

Thank you Foxy! Disclaimer for my dear Dutchy! Hope no one would! Just wanted to make sure....

Maria D’Antuono sounds like a resilient lady - she is after all 98...which is pretty impressive in and of itself...especially after knitting for 30 hours...

I miss my BigBoy- I'm sick of social services - incompetent, screwups, apologies, platitudes - seeing him hurt over again, don't like this angry feeling... too late to go back... can't be undone - trying not to scream - turn the clock back 5 years - make his life better - turn it back 2 years - we were so happy - him, S, me and G... so happy... time doesn't go back - time doesnt stand still - move onto next day - feel better tomorrow - hurdles as high a pole valut, without a pole. He's a good great kid. He's just not my kid now - he just needs me to fight for him when it goes t!t's up. I can do that, but no-one knows how it makes me feel. I feel ****! Makes me feel physically sick to hear them talk about how they care - after the idiotic things they do.... and to hear the depth of despair in my sons voice.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgMOsEk0M9A{/youtube]

tired, very tired, tonight it hurts so bad. Ignore me - i shouldnt be posting. Stupid post - crap - sorry.

Sorry - need to do out loud - have no-one who can listen right now - the UK sleeps. Don't need responses. Just needed someone to hear me.



Nitey nite. apologies. Think I may sleep now. Needed. x